The Letter

That was to be the source of the first real disagreement and falling out between Claire and I, for her it was me questioning her integrity, for me it was natural to protect my existing family's future. There was a bit of a coldness developed between Claire and I that had never been there previously.

It didn't make me entirely suspicious of her motives, I just accepted that she was a little hurt but that she would get over it and understand that I was doing something that was perfectly sensible and that, in any case, if we stayed the course in our marriage, it would never affect her. After all, I was perfectly happy for her to have input into the text of the prenup and wasn't intending to be rigid in making it entirely one-sided. Also, I'd offered to adopt her child, I'd thought I couldn't be clearer in my intent that we become a big happy family

Still, it rankled with her and things seemed to become increasingly strained. They still were a month later and I began to reconsider my proposal, I had expected she would understand my motives were honourable but that didn't seem to be happening. I began to doubt her for the first time and questioned internally if I was a convenient way to a comfortable life rather than the love of her life. I had hoped I was the latter, certainly I knew that the father of her child wasn't as he'd left her in the lurch as soon as she became pregnant and hadn't been in her life since long before Lucy's birth.

Now with her hesitation on both the prenup and my adopting Lucy, I was losing faith in my decision to marry Claire and she was not really making any effort to dissuade that notion, weeks after the prenup issue, things were still cool and showed no signs of healing.

+Three Months Later+

My relationship with Claire showed no signs of healing and in reality had been fizzling out for a few months. I decided enough was enough, I hadn't yet told Claire that I was ending our relationship, but neither of us had even called the other in more than a week. She didn't outwardly appear to care.

It was now approaching three years since Gisele had suddenly departed our lives, I was still unhappy, I never had any real closure, no satisfactory explanation as to why she had gone. I still had love for her but had accepted the reality that I'd never see her again. The children never talked of her anymore, it was as if they had never known her, that of course was simply their young ages when she had left their lives, no more than that.

And then.........

Anna returned from one of her extended winter breaks in Florida and asked me to call in with her. Then she dropped the bombshell.

"Sit down Brian, I have news. Gisele contacted me, she is alive."

I had never expected that she would be anything but alive, what did my mother-in-law know that I didn't?

I said nothing but looked at Anna waiting for her to continue.

"Brian, what I had to vow to Gisele was never to tell you was about her illness, she didn't want you to know, that is why she left. However, she now has a clean bill of health and she wants the chance to explain things to you herself. Will you see her?"

+Meeting My Ex-Wife+

Three days after Anna had shocked me with news that Gisele was alive and wanting to see me, we arranged to meet at her mother's house. I was as apprehensive as I'm sure she must also have been, after all, what she had done had been devastating, no matter what the reasons.

When I first saw her, it took my breath away, and not in the way she used to for she was not the woman I remembered. She looked frail and not at all the healthy beauty that had left her family. I had expected a range of emotions, love, mistrust, anger, but what I felt was pity and empathy for what had happened to her, she had clearly had much suffering. The lines on her face indicated suffering and anxiety, clearly the last three years had not been kind to her.

We embraced but it was not as we would have previously, both of us holding back, neither fully committed, hesitancy from both of us. As we parted her face crumpled and tears poured down her face. Every inch of her face was etched with remorse and sadness.

She began her tale and soon I was in shock:

"Oh Brian, where do I start? How can I explain away my pain and the pain I have caused to my family.

I left because I was given a death sentence Brian, I had very aggressive cancer in both my breasts and my left lung with the very real possibility or almost probability that my right lung might be more than likely next to be infected.

I researched my options and found that a double mastectomy was the wise thing to do, the lungs were a much harder problem to solve. I was told that my chances of a transplant in this country were negligible despite my age and circumstances of having young children and otherwise excellent health and no damage due to drugs, drink or any form of abuse.

I did however find that my best chance of survival was to use my wealth and go to a clinic in Iceland where money can buy you transplants, ethics take second place.

I made the decision that I had to go, that I didn't want to inflict my probable death on you or our young children, I couldn't bear to have them in particular watch their mother die, fading away in front of their eyes, sharing my pain both actual and the mental pain of knowing I'd never watch them grow up, never see them marry, have children themselves. I know what I did was cruel but I did it with the best motives but I know you'll find that hard to accept.

Luckily infection of my right lung never happened but my liver was next, Brian I am alive only because I had my breasts removed then I had a lung transplant and they usually fail, there is such a pitifully low success rate, but I made it, and then a liver transplant, that was easier and is commonly highly successful.

I've beaten the odds but only because I found a clinic where wealth matters and I could afford to buy my transplant surgeries' and I have been better now for most of a year but still waiting for things to go wrong, for rejections, oh how I feared rejections. I could not even consider returning until I could be as sure as a cancer survivor ever is that they are in full remission.

I couldn't do what I had done only to come home and then put you all through the process I fled to avoid.

I never lost my love for you, or for James or Ruth, I have had you watched so I could see from afar what was happening in your lives and I know that you divorced me as I asked and that you have had a good relationship with Claire, though I also know that things appear to have stalled with her, though I don't know why.

I know too that my mother is becoming frail, that I too am still very frail from my illness but improving and I've returned hoping you will let me play some part in the lives I tore apart. My mother will welcome me and I hope I can help her, but she has told me that it all depends on you, to what extent I can be involved with her, as she won't be pushed into anything that damages her relationship with her grandchildren... or you... not even for me, you are all that important to her, more important than me after I left you all, thinking I was not far from death.

What any part in all of your lives that I can play, I am unsure, it really depends on you, I will be guided by your wishes, if you cannot stand the sight of me after what I've done I will leave you and our children alone, though in that case, I'll wish that the cancer had won.

My future is in your hands Brian, I'm sure you need time to process all this and I'll give you all the time you need.

I'm staying at a hotel half an hour away; my mother wanted me to stay with her but I want to let you and the children be undisturbed in your routine and for you to have thinking space.

Brian, I beg you to allow me back in your lives, I'll take anything you choose to let me have and I'm sorry for what I did, I still think I did it with the best of motives though I knew the immediate effect would be cruel. Do you want to ask me anything or just to leave you to consider things? This is my number and you can call me day or night if you want to question me. I am not and will not be working in the short term, I'm still recovering and financially I don't need work, so day or night, I'm available."

+How Do React To That?+

I was stunned, almost too stunned to talk, I mumbled a few words about needing to think about what she had told me. She looked saddened at my seeming lack of interest in talking, but then I managed to get a few thoughts together.

"Gisele, I want to say so much to you, it's just that I have been completely stunned by your reappearance and to be blunt, I had begun to accept that I'd never see you again and whilst I still carry love for you, I'm also deeply wounded by what happened three years ago, by three years of mostly loneliness and pining for the woman I loved, with anger at how you simply vanished from our lives... and now, I admit that I do feel some resurfacing of the anger when I see you sitting in front of me...but I've listened to what you have gone through and why you felt you had to do what you did. I will get past my anger, but I need time.

You are back, and without wanting to be cruel or to hurt you, you look as if you have suffered at least as much as I have, physically at least. You look beautiful but so frail and you look in need of being cared for... I hesitate for so many reasons, but yes I can promise you now, of course, you will be back in our lives but Gisele I really need time to sort out my thoughts I need to work out what is best for our children above all else. I hate to tell you this but they had more or less forgotten you and had become very attached to Claire, even to her daughter Lucy. I need to really work out where I stand with everything and decide how you will fit back into our lives, after that, much of it will be up to you to reestablish the relationships."

What I didn't tell Gisele then was that I had already made a decision that Claire and I were not going to marry, I now suspected Claire's motives for being with me had a financial element and that is no basis for marriage, but still I must resolve things and I knew that may hurt the children as well.

But right now, that was not any part of Gisele's business, it was mine and my children's, we were who were important, Gisele had become old news though suddenly appearing out of the blue against all odds. Now she would have to take whatever place in the grand scheme of things that I deemed best for the rest of the family.

I spoke again to her, "Frankly Gisele, my life has been a mess, but your mother has been a rock for me and the children, now I'm thrown again by your reappearance to complicate life. Don't get me wrong, it really is good to see you but yes, please give me time to think things through and to get back to you, I'll be as quick as I can, but I must figure out what is best for the children."

She looked shocked that I was seemingly considering anything other than immediate reconciliation, if that was the case, she needed to understand what three years of her absence had done to us all, her mother included. Before I spoke to Gisele, when arranging it through her mother Anna, Anna had told me that over the last three years the relationship that she had with me and her grandchildren had only become more important to her and that whilst she was delighted at the prospect of her daughter's return, she was not about to damage what she had with me, James and Ruth. Her grandchildren had become the most important people in her lives, she could not see them abandoned again, even for her daughter.

Anna's support had been crucial to me holding things together for my children when I was in despair at my abandonment at her daughter's hands, and I knew implicitly she would not let us down... no, not even for her daughter.

Gisele and I were both exhausted by the meeting, I told her I must get back to the children and she asked one very strained question, fear in every word. "Might your future still be with Claire?" I saw the tears not far away, she had needed to ask, but I could see, she really wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

I couldn't give her the comfort she needed, frankly, she didn't deserve it, it was far too early and I genuinely needed a lot of thinking time, I had to make certain the decisions I had to make were absolutely the best for my children. Biologically, our children, but now legally only my children and I alone would make those decisions.

"Gisele, I will try not to drag out any decisions unnecessarily, but I can't give you any guarantees whatsoever, you left us just abandoned us without a goodbye, you've lost your special place in this family, you must be patient. We will talk as soon as I have something to tell you. In the meantime, it really is good to see you, we will work something out in relation to the children at least, just hang in there for now, I can't offer you more."

With a forlorn look but a nod of acceptance Gisele gave me a brief hug then left quietly.

+THREE DAYS LATER+

I looked at everything up and down, from all angles, what was best for my kids, would I be able to get over the pain of what Giselle had put me through, no matter what her reasoning had been? Could I, could we get back what we once had, that love but most importantly that trust that had been shattered by her abandoning her family?

Sure, I knew that she felt she had done it for the best of reasons, to remove herself and not letting her beloved children have to watched her slowly dying in front of their eyes. I got that she had done what she had done from her version of what was best from them, for us all, but she had taken any part of the decision making away from me. Could I get past that?

I'll admit that part of me wanted her to feel the pain and ultimate distress of being powerless in how your life would pan out. I didn't feel proud of that and quickly decided that was not the real me, I needed to do the right thing for me and yes for my children too, especially for my children.

They had become more and more attached to Claire as our romance had gone on, even though things had cooled recently, they constantly asked when they would see Claire and Lucy again. They were missing them, they had almost come to accept Claire and Lucy as family, after all that had been my intention until the bizarre realisation that all was not right when first Claire baulked at me potentially adopting Lucy and then the hiatus caused by the proposed prenup.

I did think long and hard, but the odd thing was that my mind was finally made up as I slept. I dreamed for the first time in a couple of years about how life had been with Gisele before the abandonment, the pure love we had for each other, the joy we took in our young family, the bright future we envisaged, the possibility of adding more to our brood. It had been everything I ever wanted.

I woke at 5am that morning with a smile on my face, I knew what I wanted. I knew too that what the heart wants, the heart wants, Emily Dickinson had recognised that over 150 years previously. She explained that even if that want was not good for the person, "what the heart wants, it wants".

In my circumstances this was not something that would necessarily be easily achieved but in my dreams I'd understood it was worth giving it my best shot. With a new purpose and the fog in my mind cleared, the indecision gone, I dressed and went to the kitchen for coffee. I let the children sleep awhile yet before starting out this momentous day.

By 8am I had made my plan, it was Saturday so no school today. I knew Anna was an early riser so I called her.

"Anna, can you help me today, we have something very important to do, you and I?"

"Of course, Brian, what can I do?"

Her help was never in doubt, in the great Mother-in-Law lottery I had hit the jackpot, as always, Anna was all in on what was needed. On the stroke of 11, I heard Anna's car pull into our driveway, two figures emerged from her car.

I called the children from their TV programmes with a shout of "Grandma's here and so is Mommy". Two startled children emerged just as Anna opened the front door and in stepped Gisele, a look of fear coupled with grim determination to put on a show of affection for James and Ruth. James had now turned 8 and Mary was soon to be a 7-year-old, Gisele had been missing for almost half of their young lives.

"Mommy?" they said as one voice, vague recognition but no certainty. Gisele rushed to them and enveloped them in a hug, barely able to speak as she choked with emotion, afraid to let them go, so relieved at their hint of remembering her, something to build on for she had imagined, no, she had dreaded blank stares and "who are you?"

It took her quite some time to refocus and dry her eyes before looking up to me in hope and I simply said, "Welcome home Gisele, we love you."

Anna, Gisele and I knew there were long and perhaps difficult conversations to be had, relationships to be rebuilt but my clarity had returned just as my wife had, I knew beyond doubt what was best for our children and for me and of course for the woman I had always loved and her marvellous mother who had been the rock that protected our family when the waves were crashing over us and threatening to destroy us.

Epilogue:

We successfully reunited as a family, for Gisele and me, things were good, great even and we remarried, but of course, they could never be quite the same after that dreadful hiatus in our marriage when it all fell apart.

Gisele stayed healthy for a long time but as often happens, cancer returns eventually to claim even the strongest opponents. She did live long enough to see her children grow to adulthood, to marry and have their own families but now, in my mid-sixties I have lost two of the three most important women in this story. Only my daughter Ruth remains, Anna too survived to see her grandkids reach adulthood but sadly not their marriages.

Had I ever and doubts about letting Gisele back into our lives after what she had done? Honestly? Not once after that morning when I awoke from my dreams everything clear in my mind. She was the love of my life; I'll never seek another and I'm so grateful that Claire's hesitancy cost her the chance to replace Gisele.