The Lies We Say to Ourselves Ch. 01

"Emily?"

"Gracey! What's up?"

"Uhm, not much. Actually, a lot. Ugh, I mean..."

"Grace, you sound weird. Are you okay?"

"I... I'm fine. It's fine... Everything will be fine. But, Em, there's something I need to tell you..."

"What?"

"It's about Ethan."

"About Ethan?" Emily sounded surprised.

"Mhm. Are you with him right now?"

"No, he's at work. Why?"

"'At work.' What a prick."

"Em, what's going on? Why are you calling Ethan a prick?"

"I saw him do something. But I have to tell you in person. I can't do it over the phone."

"Okay, you're really worrying me now. He didn't crash my car, did he? I keep telling him to drive carefully but he..."

"No, no, no. No. Nothing like that. Your car's okay. Em, I really can't tell you like this."

"Come on, Grace, what is it?! Where are you?"

"I'm at my place."

"And you swear it's that serious?"

"I swear, Em. Ethan's hiding something really, really big from you. You have to know what's going on."

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm on my way. Fuck. Don't go anywhere."

"See you."

----

Emily hung up the phone and left it in the kitchen.

She rushed to the bathroom to pee before darting into the bedroom. Settling at the small dressing table, she took out a round mirror from her handbag and reached for mascara, lipstick, and powder. Her fingers trembled with each brush stroke.

What the hell was going on? What could Ethan possibly be hiding from her? Was he seeing somebody else? Was he no different from all the other men in her life? Had he cheated on her? Was he about to abandon her? Is that why he still hadn't proposed to her? Her right upper eyelid started twitching. It reminded her of her mother's eyes that fateful day dad left them.

Wh... What if...? Could it be that Ethan and Grace were having an affair? Is that why she was hesitant to speak over the phone? Her best friend and her boyfriend of three years... "Em, there's something I need to tell you..." "Something I need to tell you, Em." "Em, Ethan and I are in..." With Grace's words on repeat in her head, Emily tried not to think about this option at all. Just the thought of it made her stomach churn.

Emily stared at the people across from her in the subway car. A bald man was laughing to himself and making weird noises. Not wanting to attract his attention, she looked away. On the seat next to him, a young Latino mother was straightening her son's faux-leather jacket. She had such big, loving eyes. Emily found her so pretty.

"It's time for a new adventure," the ad above their heads read.

Emily tuned out. The darkness outside, the rocking motion of the carriage, the sound of the wheels passing over the joints in the tracks were soothing. A slightly older man with gelled hair and yellowed teeth sat slyly next to her and tried to open a conversation, "Has anyone told you you look like that girl from the movie about the," but Emily cut him off before he could even finish his sentence.

"Get on Tinder, creep," she thought to herself. She told him to F-off and leave her alone.

----

"Oh my gosh, Em, I'm so relieved you're here," Grace greeted Emily at the entrance of her third-floor apartment. "I don't know what I would've done if I had to wait any longer."

"Come on, Grace, don't keep me in suspense," said Emily on her way in. She was already exhausted, having run through endless possibilities of what Ethan might be hiding while on her way to Grace's. "So, what is it? What do you have to tell me?"

Grace was startled by Emily's tone -- it had a hint of suspicion, as if accusing her of hiding something. Pushing that aside, Grace braced herself, preparing to unveil the unsettling secret to her best friend. The two flopped on the couch and Grace lit a cigarette.

"You know how Jack's place has a view of that hotel, with the jacuzzis on every balcony?"

Emily was intrigued by where this was going. Of all things she had anticipated Grace might say, this was unexpected. Lighting a cigarette of her own, she replied, "Go on," encouraging her best friend to continue.

"Well, I was over to his place, smoking on the balcony, the one facing the hotel when..."

"When?!"

"I saw Ethan with another woman."

"Wait, when was this?"

"Today, around noon."

Emily's vision went black and her ears started ringing. She closed her eyes and blinked back tears. Ethan was supposed to be at work.

"Em..." Grace's voice grew heavy with concern and emphasis. "I don't know how to say this..."

The thin cigarette in Emily's hand was shaking. Her eyes grew wide and teared up.

"For fuck's sake, Grace! Just spit it out!"

"I saw them on the balcony of one of the rooms, Em. They were naked in the jacuzzi."

"Fuck!" Emily cried out. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuuuuuuck!"

Grace hugged Emily tightly before gently pulling away.

"Em, there's..." Grace hesitated, feeling a wave of discomfort. "There's more to it."

"What?!" Emily's voice was shaky, and her words were laced with tears. "Wh... Wha... What else is there?"

"Em," the girl. "She... She..."

"Do... Do I know her?"

"I don't think you do."

"She had... She had a penis, Em."

"WHAT?!" Emily was having a hard time processing what she had just heard.

"A dick. A big, swinging dick."

"No."

"Em... Ethan's cheating on you with a trans woman."

"No, no, no. He's straight."

"He must be a closeted bi man or gay. I don't know, I'm telling you what I saw."

"No. She had a dick?"

"Mhm." Grace nodded her head.

"A real dick? Not a strap-on or something?"

"I swear, Em. We've been best friends forever. I never imagined I'd have to break something like this to you."

"What was he doing with her?"

"Trust me, Em, you don't want to know. But I think you can guess."

"I don't believe it."

"Em, I took a photo. Here, it's blurry, but you can make out..."

"FUUUUUUCK! Put that away. Please, please, please put it away. Put it away."

Emily stood in silence, covering her face with her hands, the cigarette smoldering between her fingers.

She was backtracking; recollecting all the red flags she had so willingly ignored: Ethan's big, fragile male ego. The inexhaustible repertoire of gay and trans jokes. His obsession with her ass. The non-stop anal sex; the lack of interest in her tits, pussy. The list went on, and on, and on. How could she have been so naïve as to not see it?

"Stupid girl," Emily heard her father whisper from the depths of her childhood memories. "You stupid, stupid girl." She felt heartbroken. Deceived -- again. The unbearable rush of feelings was eating her up from the inside.

Emily cradled in Grace's arms like a child and, for a few long minutes, sobbed and cried into her blouse loudly.