The List Pt. 01

I could hardly tell her that I found her completely sexless. "It wasn't just you, Jude, I ..."

"I know it wasn't just me but I'm talking about me. I had tits, I had a cunt ... see, see what I'm saying? When's the last time I've said 'cunt?' Never. But that's the way I'm thinking of it ... it's my cunt John was after, it's my cunt Alice wants to play with ... it's my cunt I want to play with ... jeez, Mike, what's going on? Seriously. What?"

"You're a late bloomer, Jude, what can I say? Would you rather not have these thoughts? Would you rather not have these feelings? Would you rather not feel you want to masturbate? Would you rather go back to the old Jude?"

"But Jeez, Mike, where am I going with this?"

"You said you wanted to find your boundaries."

"Ya, but that's scaring me. What if my boundaries are ..."

"Are what? Too far out there?"

"Ya."

I laughed. "I'll risk it, Jude. Up until a few weeks ago your boundaries were so close you got undressed behind a closet door."

She got up, came over and curled on my lap. "Jennifer is pregnant, she's talking early February." She kissed me on the cheek. "I want to move, Mike. I don't want a house any more, I don't want to pretend we're ever going to fill the kids' bedrooms. I want to move downtown into a condo; I want to meet new people — people like us; I want to do new things. I looked at the list this morning. I had written 'Where do we want to be in 5 years?' I thought about that all day. Where do I want to be in five years? Who do I want to be? I haven't a fucking clue but I want to start looking."

This surprised and excited me. The possibilities were almost endless. "Will I still be with you?"

She was dressed fairly conservatively as she was getting ready to leave early the next morning — blue Monday I guessed. Before she left I dared to test her: I asked her to toss me her panties, I hadn't done it in a couple of weeks — I wanted to gauge her reaction. There wasn't one, she just fished her panties out of the hamper and threw them on the bed as if she did it all the time.

'Will I be with you?' It was the way she had answered that question last night that had me pumping my cock; the way she had been talking it wasn't at all clear if I was in her plans or not. When I said it she got very quiet, very still, then she said, "Here's the thing, Mike. What excites me about all this is that I excite you. My life has always been about you, that's the way it's been, that's the way it will always be — I'm that type of girl. When I'm talking about my boundaries, that's the way I'm thinking: how can I excite you? How far out there do you want to go?"

"It's not what I want, Jude. If you want to look for your boundaries, great, but they will be your boundaries, not mine. I can try to find my own."

"I lost you, I know I did; I lost you and I wasn't going to get you back. But I did ... because of sex. Sex is never going to hold us apart again, it will only bring us closer together. OK? Can we agree on that? We don't go back to where we were." She bent down and kissed me.

"Fine by me," I said, giving a little lick to her lips. "So how do we do it, search for our boundaries?"

"Same way we got here, we use the list, challenge each other. We suggest something, talk about it and if we accept it, we do it."

"Like blow me in the car on the way downtown."

"Except you put that on the list after I did it, like the masturbation. Think of some things you'd like me to do, I'll do the same for you. Put them on the list, then we'll talk about them — see where it goes." She turned around and as she left she wiggled her ass. "We're up for this, Mikey, we're really up for this."

It's amazing how much more you can enjoy panties when you don't think of yourself as a snivelling little panty thief, and it's even more amazing how much you can enjoy your wife's body once she finds out she's got one.

Her transformation in body and soul had been nothing short of astonishing, as astonishing as, say, me finding out that I have a sexual pulse and a willingness to explore it, to rev that pulse as high as I could.

And it was revved pretty high as I lay there with her light grey panties in my hand trying to think of something I could write down on the list, something that would challenge her, cuff her around a bit. She had pretty much had her way with me ever since she climbed on me and fucked out her apology; there was no doubt who the leader of this mission is and who is the follower. Fine. Great. But I would have to assert my authority pretty soon, I didn't want her to think of me as a lap dog, although that was how I was thinking of myself.

It was the wiggle of her ass that got me going ... and thinking. She had done this before as if she had just become aware of the thing and wanted to tease me with it, which she was doing a lot of now, successfully. "Do you want to fuck it?" She had said that night, "Do you want to fuck it?" I would need a condom and some lube, I will get them today, put them on the night table, dare her to say it again.

I stroked slowly as I imagined her grin, as I imagined her peeling off her underwear, as I imagined her shaking her naked ass ... as I imagined touching it, lubing it ... I cleaned myself up with her panties, got out of bed and sashayed into the bathroom singing, 'The sun will come out, tomorrow, you can ...'

The moment I left the house I knew she was right about moving. We had to get out of there: suburbia was a place to bring up kids — that wasn't us any more. When I got to work I phoned a realtor friend; told her what I was thinking; asked her to put some thought into it: what kinds of places might we be interested in, in what area of downtown, what's available?

When I hung up I put my feet up on my desk and wondered where did I want to be in 5 years? Not a bad question. I had always just assumed I'd work and bring up kids but the kids weren't going to happen now so the work didn't seem all that important. But something else was. In my last year in college I had, for the first time in my life, really got into studies, really enjoyed it. As a result, I had taken courses most every year since, just for the fun of it. I've been thinking over the last couple of weeks that I'd like to go back to school full time, I just wasn't sure for what; criminality interests me but so does teaching. I hadn't talked to Judy about it, I had been afraid to, but I wasn't any more. It sounded like she wanted change about as badly as I did.

I have to work late quite often, tonight was such a night. I phoned Judy and told her and that I'd eat before I got home.

I met her in the TV room, her feet up, a glass of wine beside her, which was unusual, she didn't drink much and never during the week. She turned off the TV when I walked in and kissed her on the cheek. "Can I freshen that up?" I said, eyeing her glass.

She smiled, I did and joined her. "I saw her today, our saviour," she said, cryptically.

I looked at her trying to figure out who she was talking about.

"The woman in the shop, or, more accurately, the owner, the lady who sold you my new underwear. I told you I was going there to thank her and I did. She remembered you, remembered the list, she's quite the woman."

It took me a moment to remember who she was talking about.

"She's a little pissed at women like me, she didn't come right out and say it but she is. I sensed it right from the beginning so I hung around to try to find out why she felt that way — it seemed interesting ... and I owed her. Anyway, I bought a few things and chatted with her. She's old school ... with a twist. She believes fully in women's lib in that it means full equality with men, she was adamant about that, but she doesn't think we are equal in everything. She thinks it's still the woman's role to hold the family together, that's our principle job ... she implied that she didn't think I was doing my job very well with you. She thinks the women of our generation are the worst, a complete dereliction of duty. We're too self-centred, too expecting, too entitled, too ambitious, too irresponsible. We aren't doing our duty. She was pretty adamant about that."

She was telling me this in a kind of barrage, like she sometimes told me about her day. "Hard to disagree with her," I joked.

She smiled. "It is. I took her for coffee ... she liked you. I told her all about us, how fucked up we were before we got married and after, the 'twin solitudes' as you call it. I told her how your underwear spree pulled us together and how it's going so well for us now. I told her I'd like to take her out to dinner some evening after work."

"Why, if she was so critical?"

"I like her, I think she's right, I think I could learn a lot from her."

"What did she say ... to going out to dinner?"

"She said sure." She had something else on her mind, I waited for it. "I also asked her about ... men, whether men bought things in her store for ... themselves."

I was shocked. "You're thinking that's why I went in there, for me?"

"No, I don't think that at all but ..." she lifted a fold of her negligee revealing new white and yellow underwear. "I know what these things do to you. I wondered if men like them for themselves."

I was more than curious. "What did she say?"

"She laughed and said if they don't there are a lot of men out there with very big wives."

I chuckled at this, a bit turned on. "So they do?"

"She said don't spend big bucks finding out, buy them at Walmart, then she said, better yet, get him to buy them at Walmart, he can buy what he likes, what gets to him. So I put that on the list, 'Mike buys girlie underwear at Walmart — within a week ... see if you like wearing them."

I sat down on the floor in front of her. "What else have you put down on the list?"

She grinned her mischievous grin. "Do you want to know?"

I brushed my fingers over her panties wondering when they would be dangling from my fingers. "Do I?"

She bent sideways and picked up the now familiar little clipboard. "I notice you haven't put anything on it yet. Losing interest?" She looked a bit concerned.

I tapped my head. "In here, I'll write them in there in a moment. What else have you got?"

"These are ideas, like Walmart is an idea. Just because they're on the list doesn't mean you've agreed to them. I'll scratch them out if you tell me to. OK?"

"Got it."

She read from the list ...

"Mike to buy panties and bra to fit him — within week. OK? Do you want to do that?"

The bra thing was a surprise but I let it pass. "Sure, I'll do that." I knew I wouldn't.

"This one's a bit weird, don't know if you'll want to do it but it turns me on a little to think about it. 'Mike to filch panties from one of our friends — within month'

It took a minute for this to sink in. "Jesus, really? Does that really turn you on?"

"It didn't at first but as I thought about it, it got really hot ... I think because it really pushes at the boundaries."

"Whose idea was that?" It was the way she phrased it, it sounded like the idea came from somebody else.

"Alice."

"Jesus, have you told her all about this?"

"This is exciting." As if that was reason enough to bring in confidants.

"Who am I supposed to steal them from?"

"Whoever you want, that's the point."

We were going to her sister's place in a couple of weeks. "How about Brighton's?"

She turned almost ashen. "Seriously!"

She has huge issues with Brighton that seemed to have started at birth, her birth, Judy is the younger by a year. "You said anyone's."

"But her's?" Really, she looked stricken.

I laughed. "I'm kidding. OK, sure." I doubted I would ever do it but saw no reason to debate it now; I liked the kinkiness of it; it also meant I could put weird things on the list for her.

"'Mike to get caught groping me in front of one of our friends' — no due date on this, you've almost done it already anyway — the thought of it really excites me."

"Not a problem."

"This one's a bit odd, too. You like to write ... so, 'Mike to write an erotic story with a fantasy about me,' no due date, take your time on this but tell me how it's going."

"Kinky. OK." It sounded like fun.

"Last one. "We watch porn together. "

"Any time." I had been meaning to do this with her ever since I found she had a pulse.

"I'm done, what have you got?"

I had worked my fingers inside the fabric, she was noticeably wet. "Write these down. First one: 'Judy will play with Alice if she wants, tells Mike all about it — whenever.'"

She started to write then her eyes looked quickly at me and locked on mine. "Really?"

"Turns me on if it turns you on. Don't do it if it doesn't."

She went back to writing. "I don't know if it does, I'll think about it." She took her time writing it down, she appeared to be thinking. "But it turns you on?"

"Yep. Been thinking about it ... it's a boundary pusher, it'd be good for you ... to see if you'd like it." I remembered something I'd read. "Did you know that in pre-Elizabethan times women who travelled with their husbands and stayed over with a family, the woman often slept with the hostess ... to talk and catch up?"

"Doesn't mean they had sex." She went back to writing. 'Look at porn of women having sex with women,' I've put that down for both of us, and this one, too: 'Look at porn of men having sex with men.' Maybe it would be good for you, too. Have you ever thought about it?"

"Never, not directly. I know I'd never do it with a studly type, but an effeminate guy? Maybe I could, doubt that I would want to, but maybe, and write this down: 'Judy will submit to light bondage ... at my discretion."

She grinned. "Do I get lots of pain with that?"

"No pain." She exaggerated her disappointment. "And last but not least, 'Judy will submit to an erotic photo shoot at the time of my choosing." I had thought a lot about this one. First, because I wondered if she would do it and second, because the idea really turned me on ... but I doubted it did her.

"You're a lousy photographer. Maybe we should get Dan to do it; he's good."

When I looked up quickly at her, she was grinning teasingly. "Have you ever thought of having sex with one of our friends?" I asked.

"Nope. Never."

"Well, you have my permission to think about it, note the verb."

"Is that where we're headed?" This obviously had never occurred to her.

"We're headed to our boundaries wherever they are." I pulled her down lower on the chair, stripped her panties off, put her leg over my shoulder and moved in on her. "Think about one you'd like to have sex with now."

She was wet and hot and smelly and tasty.

It was Alice, she admitted later. It was Alice who made her nearly wake up the neighbourhood.

I got home late for the third time this week to find Judy just finishing up dinner with an old friend, Tanya Ghoul. I knew Tanya a little and knew she was going through a separation so offered my sympathies and treaded lightly. She looked OK though, no wingeing, no red around the eyes. When they moved into the more intimate TV room I went upstairs, showered and then joined them with a beer in my hand offering to fill their wine glasses. When Tanya declined Judy said the most remarkable thing. "Relax Tan, stay over, you can sleep in a spare bedroom or with us."

Rather than blanch at this, as I did, Tanya readily agreed and I nervously topped them up and we settled into a predictably weird conversation — Tanya has always struck me as an over-age kid with a slightly empty voice that implied she isn't all there. But she is, if a bit spacey and in a pretty nifty package.

"I was telling Jude," she said, "that I'm the type who keeps track of all my old boyfriends, Facebook, that type of thing. Most of them are married now of course, but there are a couple still alive, one of them works near me. He was one of my favourites."

"Are you going to call him?" I assumed that's what she was getting at.

"That's what Jude asked. I'm a little afraid to."

"Why? Phone him; tell him a friend, me, dared you to ask him out to dinner. He'll go."

She beamed, she has a wonderful smile. "Dare? That's not a bad idea. Kind of lets me off the hook if he tells me to piss off."

"He won't." I knew I had to ask. "So, how's it going?"

"Rougher than I thought ... I still love the asshole ... the ungrateful asshole ... I wish he'd stuck around a little longer and tried to work things out ... like you guys. Jude told me."

I tried to lighten things up. I laughed with a hint of daring. "Told you how much?"

Judy jumped in. "I didn't tell her about the list, if that's what you think."

Tanya was instantly curious. "What list?"

Judy now told her about it and when she finished she said, "It made all the difference in the world."

Tanya's curiosity hadn't diminished one bit. "What's on it?"

Judy grinned at me. "Should I show her?"

"No." I said it coldly and meant it.

"Come on, let me see it," Tanya pleaded like a little girl. "I won't tell anybody."

"Promise? This is pretty private." But Judy wanted to, she was already reaching for it which was always down at the side of the chair where it's easy to get at.

When she handed the clipboard to Tanya I could see at a glance that Tanya is a sharp cookie. She quickly scanned the list to get a sense of it then returned to the first line and carefully and rapidly read each of the items, her eyes growing a little wider as she read. "Jeez that's really neat. How long have you been doing this?"

"Not long, we haven't done much on the list yet."

"But you're going to, that's the idea?"

Judy was being cooly matter-of-fact about this but then she knew Tanya better than I did ... then there's that woman to woman thing. "We want to explore and we want some adventure — we want to find our boundaries."

"Jeez, I'd have loved to show Allan this; it's exactly what we should have been doing. We didn't hardly do anything except vanilla and we didn't even do that very well ... or much of it, for that matter."

"We didn't use to either; this has helped a lot."

Tanya looked over at me and grinned. "What's up with the panties or do I just use my imagination?"

Judy bailed me out. "He was using his imagination: he put me in some skimpies in a lingerie shop, that's how all this got started."

She was back scrutinizing the list. "Are you doing anal?"

"No, not yet." Judy sounded disappointed.

"That would be on my list for sure and so would getting caught, my sister caught me once, she was shocked; I was unbelievably turned on."

"We've really just starting. A lot of the fun is in the anticipation — that was the plan going in. You can get pretty horny thinking about some of these things."

"God, no kidding." Tanya was still scanning the list. "If Allan phoned and told me that when he got home he was going to tie me up and beat me with a feather I'd be so primed I would ... well, that's in the area of fantasy now." Her brow furrowed. "What does filch mean?"

"Steal," I said, knowing what she was alluding to.

"So you're going to steal a pair of panties? Why?"

"Ask Jude, it was her idea."

"Because he loves the things and I'd be interested in whose he'd filch, I don't think of it as stealing, they're panties for God sake. And I wonder what he'd do with them."

Tanya looked pensive. "That's a new one on me. I have no idea what Allan thought about panties or anything else for that matter. We never talked about sex."

"No, we didn't used to either. Now we do it through this list. It's better this way, a lot better."

"Can I really sleep with you guys?" She blind-sided me.

"Sure." Judy answered for me then got up. "We'd love that ... we'll put it on the list ... come on, I'll get you a tooth brush and a nightie."

I'd polished off my beer now I finished off both glasses of wine and poured another. My domestic life up until a few weeks ago was almost entirely predictable; nothing out of the ordinary ever happened ... until I put her in those panties. As she said, that changed everything. Now, I never know what to expect, from me or from her, except that I now get an erection every time I think of her which, these days, was pretty much all the time. She had always reminded me of a skinny, pinch-mouth librarian who knew precisely where every book was. Now, she still looked to me like a librarian but one who had read every book and pretty much learned the reason for living. After at least 9 straight years, I had finally fallen in love with her, no, it was better than that: I was in love with her body and fascinated by her mind.