All Comments on 'The Loners Ch. 05'

Very nice chapter. Suddenly turn into geekdom really made me laugh although it fits very well into Alan's character.

Alan's little idea of the turning is expected of course and I think I am getting a sense of where this story is going from what you have explained of vampire history.

In which case I can foresee it going either of two ways, depending on whether your going to continue this story for a long time or end it sooner.

Keep up the great work. Eager for the next chapter..

Really great story I think it's going at the right pace. I really hope alan turns out to be Dracula. keep up the good work.

I really love this story but I personally am kinda hoping that Alan doesn't get turned and that they may resolve the conflict some other way. That would just kill this whole thing for me if he gets turned. I feel like 9 times out of 10, the endgame in vampire romance stories is the human getting turned into a vampire. That's just my opinion though; you're the writer and you can have the story go whichever way you want.

for the mention on the blood bank. got the idea from blade, and well worked for them but good point, if youre trying to not be noticed, dont go to a blood bank! the twist at the end, didnt see it coming but it does make sense. alans her knight in shining armour, even if it is black lol who better to watch over and protect her, than the most powerful vamp ever? but dont let him get power mad. i like him too much to hate him later on!

wow you should keep making more and when he get turned which i hope make him a little more musclar and pretty and also make the sex more steamy and for him to get rough with her a little more

You've been having some trouble with tenses lately. Or maybe I've just started noticing it. I tend to do that. I can overlook it a few times, but after a while it gets old. You've been switching within single sentences.

'THIS WAS different.' Alan thought to himself as he kissed Rachel. 'THIS IS completely different!'

I guess that's technically two sentences. But you see my point. These sentences are supposed to be similar to each other, with an adjective added for emphasis, that's the whole reason for repeating it. Except you went and changed the tense as well.

THAT WAS different for the first sentence could have worked, if he were to reflect on it. 'THAT WAS different, and THIS IS completely different.' But that would basically require two different events, instead of one event which he's commenting on as it occurs.

Anyway, please watch your tenses.

The blood bank aspect...Why is it accepted that vampires have to kill? It's too late to change that, obviously, even if you were inclined to. But every other vampire story (whether erotic or not), as well as simple logic (while obeying the traditional laws of vampires: that they need human blood), suggests that the person is welcome to survive the encounter. It's not like they're drinking the person's soul. Are they? If so, between the invisibility, ability to select who can hear them, and soul-drinking for survival, these basically aren't even vampires anymore (which is fine, but you might as well call it what it is. Or at least not call it what it isn't.)

Moving on. The people talking about Alan turning. That's necessary. In no scenario will true, life-long love (primarily in stories, where there won't be any question of the eternal aspect, plus there are vampires and shit) be okay with one of them living to 600 (subtracted 200 from the apparent 800 maximum randomly) and the other becoming old and frail well before 100. Also one retains beauty for centuries while the other is impotent at 70. Plus he's being pursued by powerful ass vampires, and he's a human. They can beat the hell out of him effortlessly. He needs to have some kind of defense other than his woman, who is apparently rather unimpressive by vampire standards. Also, in most cases being vampirized tends to make an individual more attractive. Rather convenient for scrawny Alan. We can't have a hottie hanging out with a dude without any muscle mass.

Although on the topic of him turning, he's quite bothered by the murdering people thing (as he should be). Freaks him out that Rachel does it. But now he wants to be turned? I'm pretty sure any idiot can figure out that that means he's about to be chewing on human necks for lunch, and that people won't be walking away from the experience. And yet there hasn't been any evidence of inner turmoil about whether or not he can handle that. Again, why does it have to be lethal?

Finally...Your video gaming background is pretty obvious. For the record, FFXII was a good game. I know it was different, it wasn't turn-based and all that, but I dropped at least 100 hours into that in a few playthroughs. And I loved it. One of my top 5 RPGs for the PS2. Admittedly, I never spent any real time with the early ones. They were before I was a real gamer, and sometimes the thought of playing a game with shitty graphics just isn't worth it. Although Sephiroth is the man.

Also check out XV's "When We're Done". It's a rap song that samples Sanctuary =)

Quite the strong set of opinions, which is fine. First, I'll admit, I dropped quite a few hours on Final Fantasy 12 myself, but only for all of the sidequests. I personally felt the story and characters were lacking, which has always been a strong point for the Final Fantasy series. (Aside from 1 and 3, and perhaps even 5, though I liked 5's story. As for 1 and 3, they were on the nintendo, so one can't expect much there). As for the tenses, never really noticed it myself. Sometimes, especially when it comes to speeches and thoughts, I leave the mistakes there on purpose because who really thinks or speaks with perfect grammer every time? I will pay attention in the future so thanks for bringing that to my attention. As for the whole definition of a proper textbook 'vampire', yeah, I just kind of went with it and made things up, sorry. As for why people die when vampires in this world feed, I planned on getting to that later on. The story would be boring if I answered all of the questions at once, though I will admit when I haven't come up with something such as the blood bank scenario, and give credit to where credit is due.

im the guy from below. Title says it all. I tend to focus more on gameplay than plot. So that would probably explain our differences. And I'm very opinionated :)

Oh really?

(No offense to your story here.)

I would've seen that a mile away in her shoes. He's smitten.

Now they are equals and in love!

Before, Rachel had all the power and she just suffered Alan, kinda :( Now, Alan is sacrificing of himself as much as Rachel was (if not more). Now it is give and take; now both of them have vulnerabilities and are accepting of each other's limitations. I like it a lot!

Now they can get on with working out their problems so that their "coupleness" can be even more committed. Yup, feels like love is in the air. Go for it kids :) Lynn

There's a reason that most vampire stories feature vampires that don't have to kill to survive. If every vampire has to feed once a week or so, and each of those feedings results in a corpse, the police and general public would quickly catch on. That's 52 bloodless corpses per year, per vampire. Even the largest cities would only be able to sustain a few vampires, and even then there would still be suspicion. Otherwise, I'm enjoying the story quite a bit, a few grammatical errors notwithstanding.

Except that last line. Should have ended it at "i want you to turn me into a vampire"

Great writing by the way, 2nd time reading through this story.

While I agree that to say the Beatles are overrated is wrong as they were the first to do many things. If I remember correctly, they were the first band to release studio albums rather than compilations of singles. However, the Beatles accredited with being the roots of Rock and Roll and that is completely untrue. The Beatles actually started off their career with A LOT of Little Richard covers, like "Long Tall Sally" & "Good Golly Miss Molly". Chuck Berry is considered by most to be the Godfather of Rock n Roll and his first hits were 14 years before the Beatles, Little Richard was releasing his hits 10 years before them.