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Click hereAlan...no, Dracula had brought her back to life. Dracula was holding her...she had been with Dracula the entire time. Now it all made sense. Alan had been the new incarnation of Dracula, who had been in his infancy.
"I'm so sorry Rachel!" Alan exclaimed as he held her tightly.
Rachel wrapped her arms around Alan. It had to be a dream. This couldn't be real. Yet, Dracula felt warm in her arms. Dracula's arms felt warm around her.
The moment was broken when the front doors flew open, and both Lord Constantine and Benjamin emerged through the doors.
All eyes turned to Lord Constantine as he stared at Alan, stunned. He had to be sure. He had to be sure that he wasn't going crazy. But, seeing was believing. And he had to see it to believe it. Now he could. Dracula was right there, holding Rachel in his arms.
Lord Constantine fell to one knee, and lowered his head. Benjamin saw this and did the same.
"I pledge my allegiance to you, Lord Dracula." He announced as the other Lords followed suit.
"Dracula...?" Alan stammered as he watched everyone kneel before him.
Rachel separated herself from Alan to look into his eyes. "Yes." She answered him as Alan turned to her.
"You...you are Dracula. You bringing me back to life proves it. You are the Lord of all vampires...the most powerful vampire of all...Lord Dracula."
One however, had not fallen to one knee. Lord Caleb's eyes flew around the room in disbelief.
"No! What are you all doing!? How can you bow to this...boy!?" He was supposed to become the next Dracula. He had trained and worked for years to become the next Dracula. And now this...newborn was supposed to be the one he bowed to!?
The idea was inconceivable to Caleb, who turned to Alan and Rachel.
"You...you don't deserve it!" Caleb spat. "I will never bow to you!" He shouted as he drew his sword.
"I was the one who killed the previous Dracula, and once I kill you, then all will know that I am the greatest of all! That I am the one that all should bow before!" Caleb shouted as he jumped at Alan and Rachel.
The admission had caused all of the other Lord's eyes to widen. Caleb had been the one who killed the previous Dracula!? That explains why no one had ever found a clear answer as to how Dracula had died.
Alan's reaction was instantaneous. He met Caleb's charge head on, and before Caleb could react, Alan grabbed his face, and slammed Caleb head first into the floor.
Caleb grunted in pain, and he dropped his sword as his hands flew to his head as he growled and shook on the floor.
"You..." Alan began. "You betrayed Rachel's trust. You killed Katie...and nearly took Rachel away from me forever. I...will never forgive you." Alan said darkly as he went to pick up the sword that Caleb dropped.
Caleb opened his eyes as Alan stood above him, his own sword pointed directly at him.
"Die!" Alan shouted, but before he could thrust his sword down on Caleb, Rachel had moved in the way, and spread her arms.
"Stop!" She shouted, as Alan did so.
"Rachel? What are you doing!?"
"Protecting you!"
"But...he-"
"I know what he did! Believe me, I know! But...I can see it. What you are about to do...it isn't for Katie. It isn't for justice, or peace, or even for me! What you are about to do is only to quell your own hate!"
Alan blinked at those words, having heard something similar to that before.
"I'm not saying he should walk free. I want to see him answer for his crimes as much as you. As Dracula, it probably falls to you to carry out his sentence. But, I don't want you to do it like this, full of hate."
The other Lords watched the exchange, not daring to try and intervene, and suffer Dracula's wrath. Whatever Dracula decided was final.
"But..." Alan then remembered where he had heard that line of thought before. It was from one of his favorite series, Full Metal Alchemist. Like himself, a character in the series, Colonel Mustang, had been in pursuit of vengeance for the murder of his best friend, Lt. Colonel Hughes.
Mustang, throughout the series, had attempted to track down the culprit, and finally did so when he caught up to Envy, one of the villains of the series. Mustang had brutally attacked Envy with no mercy, but was stopped from delivering the final blow by the ones closest to him, who didn't want to see him go down a path of vengeance.
Alan struggled within himself, and finally, lowered his sword, to Rachel's great relief.
"Thank you." She whispered. At long last, she had reached him. The irony was not lost on her. She originally hoped that Alan would be the one to save her from her hate, but instead, she had saved him. Not only that, but he, Dracula, the most powerful vampire, was the one that she had saved.
Caleb spat at this. "I don't need any help from the likes of you!" He shouted as he tried to rise and attack Rachel while her back was to him.
Alan intercepted him before Caleb could reach Rachel, and kicked Caleb in the chest, causing him to skid across the ground.
"So...what now?" Alan asked.
"Ask the other Lords." Rachel said. "Let them decide what Caleb deserves."
Alan's eyes scanned the room, finding all of the other Lords staring at him. Alan wasn't used to this kind of thing. Being in the center of attention. However, there was important business to take care of.
"Rachel is right." He announced. "You all are still Lords, and that means you have a say in this. What do you think?" Alan asked.
"I have a question before all of that, if you will allow it, Lord Dracula." Lord Constantine asked, awaiting Dracula's response.
Alan nodded, and Lord Constantine spoke.
"Who was the one who betrayed my clan and gave you the information on how to find my island, and that I was harboring Dracula and the ones close to him? I know you didn't come across all of that information by accident." Lord Constantine directed the question at Lord Caleb, who was currently on the ground and moaning in pain.
"I can answer that." Lord Issac spoke. "It was Constantine Steven George."
"George? I know I've heard that name somewhere." Lord Constantine pondered, searching his memory.
"I know him. He's the one who botched the drug transportation in Moscow a few years back. It cost us millions all because he neglected his work to get laid."
"That George!? Now I remember! Oh, if he thought he was fucked before, he's in serious shit now. Assuming, of course, you'll allow us to pursue and punish him, Lord Dracula?" Lord Constantine asked.
Alan nodded. "Handle it however you want to."
Lord Constantine nodded. "Thank you."
"Now, about Lord Caleb, what is your decision?" Alan asked, directing the question at all of the Lords.
"Caleb has just admitted a moment ago that he had committed the greatest betrayal of all, and killed the previous Dracula. To hell with him." Lady Helen replied first, her voice bitter.
"Yes. To attack and kill a Dracula is one of the greatest crimes one can commit. He does not deserve to live." Lord Issac said next.
One by one, the other Lords all agreed, and the verdict was in. Caleb was not to be spared.
Alan nodded. "Very well." He said as he turned to where Caleb was.
Caleb's eyes had widened upon hearing all of the other Lords turn against him, and realized that he stood no chance if he remained here. He closed his eyes and attempted to jump, but he was too slow. Or rather, Dracula was too fast.
In one swift swing, Alan removed Caleb's head, and both the head and body fell to the ground separately.
Alan took a long breath as he stared at the headless corpse. At long last, it was over.
Rachel joined Alan at his side as she stared at the corpse. "So...what now?" Alan asked her.
"You're asking me? You are Dracula, it's your decision." She replied.
"Dracula...not sure I can get used to the name."
"You're going to have to, it is what you are."
"I guess...but, I still don't know what to do next. I mean...what do I do as Dracula?"
Rachel shrugged. "Just about anything you want. You can either take direct control of the entire supernatural community if you want, or, you can leave the current system in place, and allow the Lords to do so for you."
"Honestly, I think I just want to sit back quietly somewhere, and not really do anything. Well...I do want to see if I can bring either Katie, Liz, or my family back. If I brought you back, then maybe I have a chance to bring them back as well."
Rachel wasn't as optimistic about that. True, she didn't know Dracula's limits, but was sure there was a limit to who he could bring back to life. Katie's body was in the explosion at the mansion, so her body was probably in pieces at best, just as Liz's was.
As for his family...they had been dead for quite some time. But, who knows? Maybe there was some hope in there somewhere.
- COMMENTS
Fseries7 months agoWow. 75 years of paragraphs to get to the end and the end happens in about a sentence. And then nothing.
Richardbeardover 1 year agoDefinitely think it needs at least another chapter to see what happens after Dracula gets settled in and how everything shakes out! Good job on the story though, loved it
Anonymousover 3 years agoI know this is years later but just wanted to say the story was decent. Nothing I would tell other people to read but I am glad I finished it. With a title like the liners and the way Alan and then Rach developed in the beginning the way Alan started acting towards the end did not make sense psychologically to me but I’ll leave it at that as it is your story and who knows if you even read this so far down the line.
For a quick write it’s quite impressive and like I said I’m glad I finished it even if I didn’t enjoy it as well as I hoped. I mean real life is a dark place, I tend to read to get away from that darkness. Look for more good. This story was just dark, and I realized that when you offed the parents and just friends. I could have gotten behind that if it was balanced out with him still having his lovers to center him but you definitely lost me when you killed Katie and then Rach even though you revived her in the end and hinted at his attempts to revive the others. It just felt cheap somehow, like you were looking for shock value or just degrade and destroy the MC Alan at all costs.
Generally when a romantic interest is removed for whatever reason be it kidnapping or death it’s to provide growth for the main character and I just didn’t get that feeling here, especially with how in the finale all of a sudden the other lords are bowing and scraping to him because he’s Dracula and it just sort of ends.
Ehh don’t listen to me, I’m probably just agrivated the story didn’t go the way I liked or wanted it to.
TLDR: Good story given your lack of using and editor and time constraints. Could use more development.
PyroDragonover 5 years agoI fucking hate this. You actually did it you bastard. You played the idiotic "Taking revenge will change you" card. And you even referenced mother fucking fma with it's stupidity. "Not going down the path of ven-" get the fuck out of here right now holy FUCK. Whatever, stories over. I'm actually surprised that's what pissed me off the most in this whole anal/killing off characters thing. What a mess.
Anonymousabout 7 years agoPls follow up by another chapter in which he brings them back to life and lives for God knows how much
Pls pls pls I beg you
ChasingtheSkyover 7 years agoI enjoyed reading your story and loved your characters. Thank you for an enjoyable "binge" read.
Anonymousover 7 years agoI've been reading this story over the past few days, leaving anonymous comments periodically. Having now finished, I have several thoughts. Much of what I'm going to write will be criticism, but understand this: this story was good enough to make me care about all its flaws. The mere fact that I'm writing such detailed feedback means that what you've written is a cut above most of the stories on this website. Now, on to the critique.
1. - Overly wordy sentences with predictable structure.
You are addicted to the phrase "to do so". Far too often you describe an action that needs to be done or is about to be done, and then follow it up with something like, "Rachel began to do so." Stop that. Simply describe the action being undertaken. Similarly, many of your sentences are overlong, using more words then necessary to convey the point. Trim your sentences before uploading.
2. - Stiff, awkward dialogue.
This is an extension of my previous point. A good deal of your dialogue sounds forced and unnatural. People explain things in excessive detail without provocation, and use far too many dependent clauses. Dialogue should be direct and punchy. Unless you are making excessive eloquence a character trait for a specific character, you should avoid it. Characters need to sound like real people.
3. - Too many filler characters.
Your cast is far too large for the scope of this story. You are writing a supernatural erotic romance. The vast majority of your time should have been spent developing Alan, Rachel, and Caleb. Protagonist, love interest, villain. Almost everything beyond that is superfluous. Far too many extraneous details were given about the Vampire Lords and their underlings. It was nearly impossible to keep straight who they all were, what their motivations were, what their relationships to each other were, and why we should care about any of it. Reading about them was tedious. Instead, the adversity our couple faced should have been personified by Caleb alone. Their clashes with him would have been more satisfying if the relationship between him and our leads, especially Rachel, was more developed. Make the personal narrative intersect with the larger story about impending vampire war, but keep the war firmly in the background. The looming threat of conflict is all we need.
4. - Underdeveloped supporting characters.
The addition of Katie was this story's greatest misstep. She had no real backstory, no motivation to become part of the plot, and the internal logic of the story during her introduction was shaky. She was never necessary to the progression of the plot, nor was she particularly interesting as a character. Furthermore, her presence cheapened the significance of the love between Alan and Rachel. What felt special during the first few chapters became diluted after Katie's introduction. All she did was add a new dynamic to the sex scenes, but without a genuine emotional connection to her character, even these moments felt lackluster. Liz had the same problem. While she at least had an understandable motivation, her arc was horribly rushed. Ultimately, both of these characters were killed for shock value rather than emotional impact. Their deaths become a plot device to motivate Alan, but it is an unnecessary one. The death of his family and of Rachel provide all the motivation needed. Notice how despite killing Katie and Liz, you still had to kill Rachel so that you could have a death with some impact?
5. - Bad fight scenes.
Others have touched on this already, but I'm coming at this from a different angle. What makes a fight scene good is the relationship between the characters that are fighting. Not the fight itself. Without a genuine conflict between characters and a reason behind their fight, the fight is boring. All of Alan's fights with various Vampire Lords could have been removed, especially the one against the two Ladies near the conclusion. This fight should have been replaced with an epic showdown between Alan and Caleb, one that ends with Alan finally overcoming his foe. Similarly, consider replacing the earlier fight against Lord Hector with one against one of Caleb's Greaters. This could have been the same character who got eggs thrown on him, who, out of humiliation and anger, kills Alan's family. These few tweaks would have made the fight much more interesting because both characters would have been personally invested in the conflict.
6. - Love and sex.
When it comes to the romance, you have a problem with earned vs. contrived scenes. This is true both in terms of the emotional connection between characters, and the actual sex scenes. In regards to love, the only relationship you have that works is Alan and Rachel. Thankfully, this relationship works pretty damn well; that's what has kept me reading your story. We see them bond slowly over shared interests. We see them relate to each other due to their shared background as loners. We see them struggle to hold their relationship together in the face of great adversity. We experience their relationship develop, so when we have romantic or sexual scenes with them, those scenes feel earned. This is not true for any of the other characters. Katie and Liz are rushed not only into sex scenes with our leads, but also into love with our leads. Katie in particular shifts the entire relationship dynamic quite literally overnight, yet our characters claim to be in love with her. Notice that we now have to hear our characters say that they love and are devoted to each other. We can't feel that connection. The relationship hasn't been given time within the story to grow, so it feels contrived when they declare their devotion to each other and jump into bed. Just like with the fight scenes, it isn't so much the sex itself, but the relationship between the characters that makes the scene work. Sure, you can titillate the audience with a vivid, creative scene, but any throwaway story on this site can do that. For something of this length and complexity, you need the audience to relate to the emotional state of the characters within the scene. Your energies would have been better spent further developing the relationship between Alan and Rachel while experimenting with positions, fetishes, and even supernatural abilities in the bedroom. Keep the emotional connection solid and vary the form and style of the sex scenes. Do that well, and the audience will never get bored. Alan and Rachel are the only characters that should fuck in this story.
7. - Frequency of sex.
There are two many sex scenes. Sex scenes should emerge organically from within the narrative. They should influence and be influenced by the character arcs and overall plot. They should not be isolated moments of fucking where the entire story grinds to a halt, then resumes after the scene ends. Furthermore, sex scenes should not follow one another in quick succession. They need to be spaced out for maximum impact. Ending a scene between two characters only to jump to another one with different characters lessens the impact of both. Reading a well paced erotica is like having sex in real life. It starts with flirtation, moves to teasing, then lovemaking, and finally, climax. Make the audience anticipate the sex, then deliver it. Build up to your sex scenes over multiple chapters. Quality not quantity. Your first three chapters do this splendidly.
8. - Inconsistent characterization.
There are numerous lapses in character over the course of this story. Here are some examples: Rachel is deeply conflicted about falling in love with a human and on multiple occasions tries to leave Alan in order to protect him, but she is willing to accept Katie into their lives at the drop of a hat. Rachel suddenly becomes a badass killer during the motel scene, yet she tries to stifle the killer within Alan after that side of his personality emerges. She should be able to relate to him since she struggles with that inner darkness herself. Rachel does not support Alan's completely justified desire for revenge against Caleb even though Rachel also hates Caleb and has endured 62 years of abuse at his hands. The two of them should have teamed up to defeat him together rather than her abandoning him at the last minute. The female Vampire Lords hate Caleb because he is a Neo Nazi sexist, but they defend him in the finale by fighting Alan. I could go on, but I won't. Watch out for this pitfall and try to keep your characters consistent.
Well that's about it. I've gone on for quite some time, so while it may look like I just tore this story apart, I assure you that I actually did enjoy it. I wouldn't have kept reading if it didn't. However, I am irritated by its untapped potential. This could have been much better than it was. Frankly, I encourage you to revisit this story and perhaps, even to systemically rewrite it. I would be curious to see a second draft on this.
Anonymousalmost 8 years agoWow. The vitriol and anger really escalated with every chapter. And yet he didn't know when it was better for him to simply let it go and stop reading. And he cursed you at the end for it, blamed you.
Fertile "Hate Crime" motivation. Also what some rapists believe.
The Fear is strong in this one. I pity the young man, and hope he can overcome his fear for all our sakes. That reaction is the first step toward evil actions.
Anonymousalmost 8 years agoI am depressed i even read your sorry filth i hoped things would get better but instead i got this. I pray you and all those other fuckers that like this kinda shit are wiped from the earth. Or at least your stories. Eat shit fucker.
