The Love That Just Couldn't Be

When we entered the restaurant, lights surrounded me. Everyone there was also formally dressed. Being independent throughout most of my life, I never treated myself to such riches because I always felt as if I was wasting my money. I could tell Zoey probably came from a wealthy family. But it made me wonder why she had moved all the way out of her town to attend this college. If they treated her to such great things, why would she want to be so far from them? I guess I could relate, but my reason was probably much different than hers.

Sitting down at the table, I admired the looks of Zoey. She looked quite beautiful - if only I could tell her that. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at me.

"You look really stunning tonight, V." she said. I began to blush. "Thanks, love. So do you." I had started the habit of calling her 'love'. She didn't object to it, but she never said she liked it either.

"You know what I realized?" Zoey said as she took my palm into hers. "You have such small hands." she smiled. "I do not." I joked. "Oh but you do, see look." She proceeded to put her hand up to mind. Without either of us trying, our hands slowly slid together. Before we knew it, we were holding hands in a restaurant.

Zoey looked at me, and I looked back. She had the most loving look in her eyes. Suddenly, the waiter came by and Zoey whipped her hand back. Our moment of love was broken, and left me a little upset.

After he took our orders and left, Zoey said to me, "Sorry about that. I just didn't want him thinking something weird." I could tell she seemed a little upset also. "No really, it's fine. I understand." But honestly, I didn't care what he thought of us. There's nothing wrong with lesbians anyways. Although I wondered, maybe Zoey thought there was. If she did, I'm not sure how I could even go on. So I just pushed the thought away for now.

Our dinner came and we both ate quite slow, enjoying our romantic time together. If I could, I'd love to see this as our first date. But in Zoey's mind, it was nothing more than a treat to us both. I could feel my passion for her growing as the night went on, but I tried to avoid it. Besides, she wouldn't want me and I just had to accept that. Yet, the way she looked into my eyes just made my heart beat like it never had before.

After dinner when we were heading to the parking lot, I saw Zoey stop. "Veronica.." she called for me. "Yes, dear?" "I think we should do this more often. Actually, let's do it again real soon." she said in a suggesting tone. "How about this, I promise that I'll take you out and surprise you just like you surprised me." I said. I probably couldn't top this evening, but I was quite a romantic ."Sounds perfect."

"Hey, since you paid for dinner - how about you come back to my dorm and I make you some hot chocolate?" I recommended. I was hoping she'd say yes, I didn't want our time together to end so soon.

"Well I'm not sure. I don't have clothes and what about your roommate?" It appeared as though she might've seemed uncomfortable. "I can lend you something, or better yet, we can stop at your place first. I want to make it up to you for getting so scared last night. And I don't have a roommate, so no worries." I said. "Well, I suppose it all works out then." Zoey finally agreed. We then proceeded to get into the car but before she turned on the engine, she looked at me and said, "But I rather wear something of yours." Before I could say anything, she turned on the radio and began blasting Three Days Grace.

Arriving at my place, Zoey set down her items and I showed her where everything was. I put in a movie and settled down in my bed. My previous roommate had already moved her bed out, which gave me room for the couch I had in storage. Zoey seemed to have settled on the couch, which didn't please me. I wanted her close, like she had been the night before. "Come lay over here with me. I don't bite." I said to her. She looked away from the movie and said, "Ha, alright. But I do." she joked. "What if I liked that?" I said to her. I was hoping to put some kind of moves on her. "I mean, would you like to find out?" she said. At that moment she jumped on top of me. Zoey began nibbling at my neck, along with a few licks. It was all jokes until we both slowed down for a moment. I let out a small moan by accident and she rose her head.

"Sorry." she said. Zoey then returned to the movie as if nothing had happened. At this point, I just couldn't take it anymore. I slowly got up, turned the movie off and turned on my small lamp. "Hey, what the heck?" Zoey said. I then sat right across from her on the bed, our faces were almost touching. "I need to speak to you." I said. I couldn't remember the last time I was honestly this nervous. "What's going on, V?" she quietly said to me, almost as if it was meant to be a whisper. "It's just, ever since I met you, I've felt so different. You make me happy, and as if someone actually cares. The moment I layed my eyes on you, I knew I had to have you." I would've said more, but I just wasn't sure how to work it. Before she had the chance to say anything, I put everything we had on the line and I kissed her. And surprisingly, she kissed back. Her lips were so soft, like an angel. I slid my hand behind her neck, feeling it's warmth. My tongue found it's way into her mouth and we intertwined them. She let out a small moan. But then that magic was broken.

Zoey's lips pulled away as she said, "I'm sorry I can't do this." Suddenly, I panicked. "No, please. Don't do this. I have so many emotions for you." I tried to kiss her again but she had already found herself getting up. "We can't do this, I can't do this." Zoey panicked. "No, please! I'm so sorry. Forget it happened." My heart was pounding so fast at that moment, I thought it could have exploded. "It's best we don't speak much anymore. It wouldn't be good for either of us. I'm so sorry, V. I'll see you around. Just keep what I have here, it isn't valuable to me. Bye." Zoey blurted before she ran out the door. I was shocked.

Before I could even begin to think, I was on my bed, rolled up - crying. She was the only true person who ever cared about me, and I blew it. I couldn't even breathe, my chest hurt. I wasn't even crying at this point, I was screaming into my pillow. I beat the pillow in anger, then threw things against the wall. I had to stop myself, knowing someone might get suspicious of the loud noises. So, I threw myself on the bed and cried all night.

The next day, I awoke at noon. The first thing I did was call Zoey's phone. "Hello?" she said. "Zoey, please let me explain. I don't even know what happened last night. I think I was a little drunk. I'm sorry for it all. Can we just go back to normal?" In order to save our friendship, I had to lie a bit. "You didn't even drink last night. You confessed how you felt for me. And it all felt so right, and that's why I left." It sounded like she was going to cry. "Wait? If it felt so right, why did you leave? Why won't you speak to me anymore? Please, I need you." I said. At this point I had no shame, I needed her. "Girls don't belong together, it isn't right. I'm sorry. Please don't call me anymore. Bye." I could tell she began to choke up near the end. My feelings were crushed. She wanted nothing to do with me. And even if she did, she was obviously against gays. I then realized I had never told her that I was even a lesbian, nor had she mentioned any of her relationships to me either. I had hoped maybe she would get over this and things would return to normal. But at that point it didn't matter, everything was ruined.

Throughout the week I had tried calling Zoey and messaging her multiple times. Eventually she had gotten her number changed. She never appeared in Chemistry anymore, so I was without a partner. As much as I tried to catch her around campus, she was nowhere to be found.

I was going insane without her. My heart was broken. Each day was a drag and I just couldn't bare the loneliness the engulfed my soul. I ached for her. My body craved for her touch, as well as her kiss just one more time. I usually ended up crying myself to sleep. I even stopped eating daily. She was the only thing I could think about, and it was killing me.

Finally after about two months, I decided to visit her dorm and return the items. My heart raced as I pulled in. Once I parked my car, I grabbed the box of items and headed up to her floor. I procrastinated for a moment but finally decided to knock. I knocked another time, then another. No answer.

Suddenly a student passed me in the hallway and gave me a strange look. "What?" I snapped at him. I was upset at that point. "Uh, you must be knocking on the wrong door because no one occupies that room anymore." And after all this time I thought things couldn't get any worse. I began crying as hard as ever. I dropped the box and sunk to the floor, leaning against the door of the empty room. "Woah, Miss. If you're looking for someone I'm sure I can help. Just calm down." He said. He seemed like a nice guy, but I wasn't in the mood or mental state of mind. "Just go, please. You can't help me. No one can." I sounded insane, but perhaps I was at that point. After about fifteen minutes of getting estranged looks, I got up off the floor - taking the box and heading back to my car. I arrived back at my dorm and threw the box in my closet. I layed on my bed, and cried.

As more months went by, things did get easier. I ended up making some new friends and even chatted up a few girls. I never brought them home, or offered them to dinner. I didn't allow myself to get personal with anyone, nor did I tell anyone about my experience with Zoey. Time passed and I found myself thinking of her less and less. My eating was back to normal, and I was at a healthy weight.Surprisingly, I didn't cry over her anymore either. After Zoey left my life, time flew by. Days grew shorter and I basically stuck myself to my schoolwork to keep my mind occupied daily. On weekends I would study and volunteer wherever I could. I never found myself in Cretan Circle again.

After my second year of college, I decided I didn't need anyone to make me happy. I then decided I would just try to be happy on my own. Following all the pain I had already endured, I told myself that I would never depend on anyone for money, nice things, a house, food or happiness. Making this promise to myself, I dug myself even deeper into my schoolwork.

Before I knew it, I was graduating college. Without even realizing it, it had been almost four years since I heard from Zoey. I tried not to think of her, for when I did - a panic attack occurred. So I kept my mind off of her. Given, it wasn't easy. Many songs reminded me of her and every time the fall came around - she was the only thing on my mind.

During the summer after my graduation, I moved to the nearest city by my old college. I only moved there because I heard there was great work, and it was true. I received a job at a music label, producing heavy metal and alternative music. I earned quite a bit of money there and eventually bought a small house. It wasn't like I needed much space, I had no intentions of getting close to anyone anytime soon. I wanted to focus on my work.

It was a bright fall day when I was heading to work. The leaves on the trees had darkened. I arrived at work and set down my coffee. "We have a new band today, they've got great sound. And if this deal goes through, money will be flowing." Jeremy said to me. He was my boss and actually a pretty cool guy. He knew I was a lesbian, and he was gay - so we worked out well. The band entered the room and I took a look at them. They had a punk-rock kind of look. The lead singer had long black hair with many piercings. But where we worked, this was normal. I really did admire the drummer though. She looked young and had short blonde hair. She had a petite figure, but gorgeous brown eyes. When she spoke, it was softy. When I watched the band perform for us, I mainly watched the drummer. She truly got into the music, and I liked that.

After we made a deal with the band, most of them began packing up and leaving after scheduling another session. But, little miss blondie stayed. She walked up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Alice. I'm the drummer." she smiled. "Pleasure to personally meet you, I'm Veronica. I was actually just admiring how talented you are. I'd never seen someone play so well during a first audition." I said. "Awe, thank you. Since it's almost noon, would you like to catch lunch with me?" I wondered where this was going. But I was quite hungry and in need of good talk to I agreed.

We both walked down the block to the nearest eatery. Alice and I sat down and I started up a conversation. "So tell me, what got you involved with music in the first place?" I asked. "Well you see, my whole life my parents never accepted what I wanted in life. I wanted to attend College out in the city, get my own apartment, play in a band, date girls, ride motorcy-" but before she could finish I said, "You date girls?" I hoped I didn't sound rude. "Yes.. um..is that..bad to you?" she had a painful look in her eyes. I instantly felt bad. "No! It's not, I'm actually a lesbian myself. I just never would've guessed." I said with a reassuring smile. "Oh that's so rad! But anyways, my parents never got into what I...." Alice's voice just drifted off as I was instantly distracted.

In the corner of the cafe, I saw a girl with long black hair, the greenest eyes in the world, thick black glasses and a business suit on. Without words, or even a close look, I knew exactly who it was. She looked exactly as she did four years ago. This couldn't be real. All the pain that I had bottled up for years, burst into my heart and all the loving yet horrible feelings I had forever cursed, were back.

"I'm sorry. Something came up. I have to go. Here, take my number. Call me tomorrow and we can grab a bite to eat or something. I'd really like to be friends." I told her. I felt bad, but at the same time I couldn't catch my breath. Before letting Alice speak, I got up and walked over to Zoey's table. Zoey was alone, drinking coffee. She was probably out like the rest of us, just trying to enjoy our break before heading back to work.

I wasn't sure what I was thinking, we hadn't spoke in four years. What if she didn't recognize me, or even remember me? What if I couldn't even bring myself to speak to her? My brain was literally shut off at that moment, because I just kept walking towards her.

Without skipping I beat I said, "Excuse me miss, but I believe I owe you." Zoey lifted her head from her newspaper to look at me, and we suddenly locked eyes. "Uhm.. don't...believe.. I-I-I.. know you." she stuttered. "Oh but you do know me, dear." I said as I rested my hands on table, which seemed to frighten her. "You don't..k-know.. me. Who...are..y-you?" I could tell she was scared, or at least feeling guilty. Looking back, I had no idea how I was so calm during all of this. "Oh but Zoey, I could never miss those beautiful green eyes anywhere. And I believe after everything, I still promised you dinner." I said, in the most heart filled tone. "Uhm, I have to go."

Suddenly Zoey got up and ran out the eatery. I wasn't about to let her get away again, I couldn't. "Wait! Come back!" I shouted. "Leave me alone!" she replied. She wasn't exactly running, but wasn't going at a convenient pace either. She went to go get into her car, when we both grabbed the handle at the same time. "Please Zoey, stop." But I wasn't sure if she understood me because she was just grunting and whining to leave me. "Zoey!" I screamed. "STOP. I lost you once and I won't lose you again, dammit!" Then suddenly, she stopped. Zoey lowered her head into her hands and began to cry. "I'm...I'm so sorry, V." My heart fluttered from hearing her call me that again. It has been ages. "Get in the passenger side, I'll drive you back to my place so we can talk." I said. Oddly, she obeyed and got in the other side of the car.

I began driving back to my house in the city. I wasn't worried about my car because it was at work. I could just catch a bus the following Monday. We pulled in and I stopped the car. I got out and walked around the side and opened Zoey's door. I could easily tell she was still crying. "Come on, love." I said. I realized I had just called her the nickname I always had. Even after all these years, she was the closest thing I ever had to love.

We both walked to the entrance of my house and sat down. I made her a cup of hot chocolate, then sat next to her on my couch. It seemed like ages until Zoey collected herself and said, "Just let me leave, please." she spoke ever so soft, it was almost hard to hear. But I was angry. I wouldn't let her walk out on me again.

"No, you aren't running away from me again. You ruined my life, and you ruined me as a person." I said with anger. "So what do you plan to do, ruin my life? Is that what you want? You're still hating the world over a meaningless college crush?"

Her words hurt me, a lot. She had no idea what she had done to me, and I never had my chance to explain.

"Don't talk to me like that. Meaningless? You meant everything to me. When you left, so did my heart. Don't act like I meant nothing to you! You can't even say that. I won't believe it. You left that night hurting just as much as I was!" I was basically screaming in her face at this point. I could feel my face was red as I tried to calm down.

"We were just friends! I don't want to talk about it. This is crazy, just get over it! I..I don't even like girls. And even if I did...w-why would I want you!" Zoey screamed.

I began to cry, hard. How could she say this to me? The girl I had so long broken myself over, was telling me I basically was never anything important to her.

"Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, V. Please don't cry. I didn't mean it. It's just.. I can't talk about this. It's too much. You just don't get it. I have to leave." With those words, Zoey tried to get up. But that wasn't going to happen again. If she thought she was leaving me without an answer to all those years of pain, she was dead wrong.

I pinned both her wrists down as I got in her face. "Tell me! Now!" I shouted. "Tell you WHAT? There's nothing else to say! You're a fucking freak!" she screamed. I tried to hold back tears and I took a breath. I knew I wasn't going to get far yelling at her. "Oh but there is." I calmly told her, I actually hated screaming anyways. "Then what do you want to know." she said.

"Why did you leave? That's it. That's all I want to know. Give me a halfway decent answer and you can walk out that door and never speak to me again. Actually, even better. Give me the answer I've always craved for, you can leave and if you request so- I'll walk into my room and insert a bullet in my head so you won't have to worry about me anymore" Although I'd probably die if she left again, I was trying to be reasonable. Yet my heart was slowing breaking all over again.

She paused for a moment, then looked right into my eyes and said, "I would never ask you to harm yourself. It's been a long time, but I still care. Whether you deserve an answer or not, I suppose I'll give you one. If that's what it takes for you to move on."

She stopped for a second, as I could tell she was fighting back tears caused from so much emotional regret.

"All my life, I knew there was something different about me. As a teen, I was never interested in guys, or even dating. I once confided to my sister, that maybe I was gay. The thought of being attracted to the same gender - was absolutely not an option in my house. So I just told her that I was joking, afraid she'd tell my mother. Since that day, I told myself as long as I never became close to any females, I'd never have to worry and I'd eventually find myself attracted to men. Throughout my high school years, my only friends were guys. I was even nominated as prom queen because they all liked me so much. I was more attracted to the girl who almost beat me, honestly." she stopped to look up at me. She could tell I was listening every single word she had to say, and wasn't just wasting her time. She continued, "I moved to a far away college, hoping to escape all the confusing thoughts I had."