The Lyft

I wake up hearing a phone ring. For a moment, I think it's just a dream but then my phone blares audibly again with the stupid default ringtone I never remember to change.

"Hello?" I try to reply as cheery as possible, not knowing who's on the other end.

"Hello Mr. Michael, this is Susan calling from Lyft Driver Support, how are you today, sir?" She had a slight accent and though she spoke English quite well she didn't speak colloquially.

"I'm doing okay, how are you?" I take the phone away from my face and try to yawn as quietly as possible. I bring the phone back and look at the top corner for the time. 8:37 AM.

"I'm doing fine sir. Unfortunately, this call is to tell you that, at this time, you've been suspended from the Driver Program due to recent negative feedback." Susan says so matter-of-factly, with neither glee nor sympathy.

"That...that is indeed unfortunate...uh..." I stumble, completely caught off guard. "Um...wha...I wasn't really made aware of any negative feedback from any riders in particular."

"Well sir, the recent feedback has lowered your Driver Rating below acceptable standards for Lyft as per the Driver Agreement."

"...is there any appeal process for this decision?" I say as I rub the sleep from one eye and breathe with quiet frustration.

"Mr. Michael, if you feel the decision has been made in error you may contact the Appeals Department by email. Typically they take from two to four weeks to review the case and make a final determination."

"I really can't wait that long, I mean I was hoping to go out in about two hours from now. I really need the money today, my car payment is next week and Saturday is always my big day." I stay calm but try to appeal to some human side in Susan over the phone.

"Sir there's really nothing I can do." She answers.

"Please." I firmly beg, desperate now. "This job has been a lifesaver to me. It's gotten me almost out of debt, pays my rent, and my car payment which is my biggest expense each month. I'm asking you, please, let me go out and make the money I need today. Please."

The line goes quiet to the point where I think she's hung up.

"Mr. Michael, I can overlook this file at the present moment but if there's another report of negative feedback then I will not be able to do that again. Okay sir?"

"Oh my god that's incredible, thank you so much. Yes, I understand completely, not a single thing negative." I say overjoyed.

"No problem sir, that concludes my reason for the call. Thank you for being a Driver Partner with Lyft and have a good day sir."

"Thanks, you too," I say as I quickly hang up the phone.

I stare off for a moment, grateful that I wasn't getting suspended and confused as to why this happened in the first place. I'm always courteous, polite, and accommodating. Maybe it's just people having bad days and taking it out on the driver as Yelp reviewers do with restaurants. But enough to suspend me?

I shake off the thoughts and head for the shower.

It's about 11 AM when I get out the door with a Coke Zero in my hand as I brave the mild 80-degree heat on the brief trek to my car, parked on the street about two blocks from my apartment.

I actually hate this job but the fact that I almost lost the thing that makes near the entirety of my income gives me a little skip to my step. I've sucked at getting any other type of job so when I found Lyft I was pretty happy to have found something I could start working at so quickly and easily.

I hop in the driver's seat and start the engine. The air blasts hot for a second before I turn the knob to off, the vents left on high from yesterday's scorching hot day. My steering wheel is too hot to grab so I wait and load my phone into the car mount on the window. I start up the Lyft Driver app and my mileage tracker that I use to get an accurate mileage count for my work hours. For tax purposes.

I take a look at the map in the Lyft app. Definitely some surges around but not near me.

I check to see if any cars are coming and slowly pull out into the street. I head North up Hoover Street towards Silver Lake but I'll get a ping well before I get there, I'm right next to USC. I roll down each of the windows a little and enjoy the rare cool summer breeze as I cruise past all the corner stores and little retail shops.

PING!

And just like that, I get a rider by the name of Jessica, she's less than a mile away. I tap to accept the ride and navigate over to her location. It's the college playing field, soccer practice it looks like. Her and her friend wave me down as I get close. I turn on my hazard lights and pull off as close as I can to the sidewalk but there's not really a shoulder for me. I unlock the doors and one of the girls opens it.

"Hi, for Jess?" I ask as I always do.

"Yup, that's me," the girl says as she enters and crawls over to the other side of the back seat. I see her dirty cleats spreading flecks of mud over my cloth seats as she does but I pretend that I don't; she doesn't seem to notice or she didn't care either way.

"Hi," the other girl says quietly as she takes a seat and closes the door behind her.

"Hello," I reply with a smile and just a brief glance over my shoulder to be polite. Once I hear the door close I shift into drive, signal my lane change, and merge slowly and smoothly into traffic.

"How's your day going?" I ask. I always ask that because I feel it's polite but also it says I'm open to conversation if desired. It's not really preferred by me to talk, I like listening to music but I will if a passenger wants to.

"Pretty good, how about yours," Jess answers and asks.

"Not too bad, just getting started today."

"Cool," she answers genuinely but at a loss for a more compelling response.

I take a look at the navigation. Looks like we're headed to Santa Monica which is going to take about twenty-five minutes on the 10 Freeway.

"We just got done with practice, sorry if we're a little smelly," Jess adds.

"I hadn't noticed anything," I reply. And I hadn't, though the windows are down.

"Oh okay," Jess says with a slight giggle in her voice.

From the backseat, I hear somewhat aggressively shuffling followed a few seconds later by an overwhelming stench of moist sweat and foot odor. I gulp, swallowing my own spit to try to keep my stomach from turning like I can feel it wanting to. I work hard to maintain my neutral expression so they are not offended but I try to lean my face towards the window to try to get bursts of fresh air.

The smell is like old socks pulled from the bottom of the hamper smelling of rotten milk and long since crusted with floor dirt and shoved into musty shoes at least a dozen times.

"Are you sure you don't notice anything?" The other girl asks me, almost taunting in tone.

"Um...no, not really." I lie but I try to sound as convincing as possible. I think they bought it though I have to imagine they know better anyway, no way they could be that naive.

"Hm...that's impressive because it stinks pretty bad to me," she chuckles. I do the same, brushing it off while continuing to use the window as my snorkel to the outside air.

The other girl returns to whispering and giggling with Jess. I can't make out anything they're saying but I don't really care to eavesdrop anyway, I've gotten pretty good at blocking out people's conversations as I drive.

"Uh, sir? I'd like to pick up my friend Amanda, can I just add a stop to her dorm?" Jess asks.

"Sure absolutely," I say warmly.

"Thanks," she replies as she gets on her phone to add a stop to her ride.

"Do you mind closing the windows?" The other girl asks.

I inhale slightly, almost as if my body was trying to get its last fresh breath. "Absolutely no problem."

I pull the window buttons up and listen to the slow whir of them closing, sealing the foot aroma in with me in the car.

"Thank you," she says sincerely.

I turn on the air vents to let a little cool air enter the car without being too much like the window, I presume the other girl was cold. I get the ping for Jess' ride changes a moment later, apparently adding another twenty minutes onto our trip.

"No problem; and I got the update," I say to Jess.

"Okay great," she answers.

I return my attention to driving but the concentrated aroma is so bad that it's making my head hurt. I try to breathe just through my mouth but the swampy aroma still finds its way into my senses. I stifle a gag that I feel coming up on me as I try to speed up just a tad more, anything to cut the time to the next stop and an open door. Even if just for a moment.

We do finally pull up on Amanda's apartment she comes out rather quickly, her brown hair bouncing with her excited steps to the car.

She opens the passenger door and takes a seat next to me. "Hey," she says politely to me before turning to her friends.

"What up, bitches!" She jokes. "I'm starving, are we eating?"

"I could eat," Jess replies. The other girl nods in clear approval.

Amanda has a revelation, "Oh shit, we should go to Fatburger!"

The other girl lights up, "Okay!" It was the most emotion she'd shown thus far.

"Em's excited! Didn't you devour like a five stack cheeseburger?" Amanda asks.

"Only four. But maybe today I could do five!" She laughs.

Food appears to be Em's preferred area of topical interest. I wonder if "Em" is for Emily or if her name starts with the letter M.

"Mr. Driver..."

"Amanda!" Jess interjects to try to correct her friend.

"It's okay," I say. I really could care less, I'm in the job for the money so as long as people are respectful they can call me whatever.

"Could you take us to the Fatburger on Wilshire?" Amanda finishes asking.

"Sure, good choice," I say fluffing them up. Though I do enjoy a good Fatburger. I change the stop on my app to the Fatburger which is actually on the route to Jess' destination. I realize too that I can barely notice the smell of feet anymore.

I glance over with just my eyes and notice that Amanda is kicking off her shoes and letting her bare feet out to breathe. And as she does I notice a new powerful aroma that reeks like sour cheese shoved against my face. She wiggles her toes freely and looks over to me but I keep my attention to driving.

We pull up to the Fatburger and it's not a moment too soon as I feel lightheaded from the collective foot odor. Amanda and Em get out quickly, excited to get inside.

"Thanks very much," Jess says. "We'll be right back, would you like anything?"

"Uh...no, thank you very much though," I answer.

"Are you sure?" She asks.

"Positive but thank you," I insist.

"Okay," she says as she closes the door and joins her friends inside. As she disappears behind the door, I open up my window wide and finally breathe fresh air again. I wonder if my car will ever air out from this smell. I guess nothing a little Fabreeze can't handle. Should I Fabreeze now? No that's stupid and could be offensive that I'm covering up their smell. Better just deal with this naturally with the window.

I sit back, turn my music up a little louder and chill while I wait for them to return.

Ten minutes later I see them coming out with food bags and sodas in hand. I close my window to return the car to the way they expressed enjoying it. They approach the car and get their respective seats that they arrived in.

"What did you get, Em?" Amanda asks incredulously with a laugh.

"I always wanted to try a Fatburger with egg on it but I didn't know they'd give me an egg for each patty," Em replies.

"That's a lot," Jess adds.

"I know," Em says with feigned disappointment.

"You don't mind if we eat in your car, do you?" Amanda asks me, already digging for her burger in the bag.

"No of course not, enjoy," I say. I am a little irritated about that one with those greasy, drippy burgers in my car but I can't risk them rating me poorly.

"Thanks," Amanda says, increasing the intensity of crinkling on the paper bag as she dives in for her sandwich.

"Yes thank you," Jess adds. "Thank you," Em also says.

"No worries," I reply.

The smell of burgers is a welcome change to the last thirty minutes or so. And it's twenty more minutes to Jess' destination in Santa Monica. I see and faintly hear Amanda and the girls practically inhaling their burgers like they hadn't eaten in a year. They seem intently focused on devouring their sandwiches with brief, intermittent moments to sip ice cool soda to wash the big bites down with.

The minutes pass fairly easily without the tormentous aroma of stinky feet hanging in the air. We're about twelve minutes out from Jess' destination.

The girls seem nearly comatose from their burger binge. Em against the headrest on the back of her seat. Jess lies her head against the window, staring out blankly. Amanda still nibbles a few fries from the grease soaked bag on the floor between her legs.

"Oh god, I need to fart real bad!" Em sits up and announces, a slight smile on her face.

The whole world shuts out for a moment, the slow rumble of the wheels on the asphalt is all but disappeared as my eyes expand and I bite my lip tries to retreat back into my mouth with the thought. With her greasy egg cheeseburger, her farts are sure to be...

It happens practically in slow motion. Em's eyes close, her butt lifts and hovers off the seat just a little bit. I feel my mouth open as if to scream out but no sound ever comes out. And then...

BRRRRRRrrrraaaauuuuppppppppppppp!

Her fart ripples through the seat like a bubbly jackhammer and I can see the great expression of relief on her face in the rearview mirror. She even looks like she stares me down cruelly as she sighs but I look away quickly, too nervous to maintain extended eye contact. Maybe I just imagined it. There's no way they planned this, why would they?

"You did not just..." Jess trails off.

"I think I just did," Em says very bluntly.

The smell of Em's fart hits me and I have to work hard to maintain composure because it is truly something rotten, like a sun-soaked dumpster behind a breakfast restaurant. I consciously work to remember to breathe through my mouth but her gas seems to find a way into my nostrils all the same. My head darts, instinctively looking for a patch of fresh air but her odor seems to hang around the car like a putrid hotbox.

"Guys," Amanda pops in after an oddly long time of being silent. "I have to fart too."

"What is wrong with you two?" Jess is clearly upset. "Can't you two hold it in?"

Amanda and Em share a glance and smile with each other. I see Em lean in towards Jess and start whispering something that makes Jess roll her eyes...

FRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

I'm startled by the loud ripping fart unleashed from the seat next to me. I glance over with a fake smile and jokingly incredulously look plastered on my face, my teeth grind behind my lips.

Amanda laughs, "Sorry it had to come out."

"Oh no doubt," I force myself to say warmly. It's the first thing that comes to my mind in my customer service auto-pilot mode. What else am I supposed to say? I have to just grin and bear this for another...fuck, nine minutes. How did we go nowhere? Was that only three minutes?

Amanda's fart doesn't smell nearly as bad as Em's but it hits like a boxing glove, wafting over my face like the desert heat. I try to calm my breathing. It's so putrid in the car but I can't show it, I can't gag, I can't offend them. Oh god, I just took another inhale through my nose. How many more minutes? I watch the nine turn into an eight on the minutes remaining to destination.

"There's an accident on your route. You are still on the fastest route despite heavier than usual traffic," the Google Maps voice announces.

I watch the yellow eight turn into a red twenty-one. Twenty-one minutes remaining in this ride.

"That sucks!" Amanda announces. "You wanna go somewhere else?" She asks the girls.

"Where would we go?" Jess asks, holding her finger in front of her nose.

"Let's go to Long Beach!" Em shouts out.

"Is that alright, sir?" Jess leans forward and asks me.

PPPRRRrppp!

Amanda and Em burst out laughing as Jess has a look of utter shock on her face, she clearly wasn't expecting to do that. "I am so sorry about that," she insists genuinely.

I let out a soft chuckle to be respectful and brush it off, "Definitely, no problem. Just plug it in the app for me if you could," I say like the professional I try to be, in my car that now smells like a used porta potty.

Once the address updates on my app, I see that I'm in for another forty minutes with these girls. And then Jess' gas hits me like a punch to the stomach, I can't help but gag a little but I don't think any of the girls noticed. They seem more preoccupied with enjoying the fact that Jess farted with them.

"Hey, we should have a fart contest!" Amanda suggests.

I stare blankly at the road ahead, still processing the road traffic and making the necessary brakes for other cars but otherwise my mind was gone. How could she suggest a fart contest? Like seriously. Like I'm not even here having to sniff their shit fumes. And now they are gonna have a fucking contest?

"No fucking way," Jess says, still embarrassed and tucked in on herself.

"I say we do!" Em pipes in.

"Are you gonna participate, Jess?" Amanda asks.

"No," she answers plainly.

"Your loss, Em you wanna go first? Mr. Driver, you can be the judge."

"Oh...I wouldn..." I trail off with a slight chuckle, not sure what else to say or how to stop this from happening without being rude. I can still smell the lingering farts from before and I didn't need a refresher in this lifetime or the next.

I see Em in the backseat concentrating so hard I'm concerned she might shit on my seats. At least then I'd have evidence for a Cleaning Fee. But then I'd have shit on my seats.

Em smiles just a bit, almost a full second before it makes a sound.

bbbbbrrrRRRRRRRPPPPPPP! She sighs afterward and looks to me expectantly. "Well?" She finally asks.

"Oh...um, that was good. Uh very good," I correct myself to ensure I said her farts were given a positive enough assessment for her. I have no fucking idea what I'm grading on here and honestly I want it to stop.

"What about the smell?" Em probes.

"Uh..." I take a soft inhale of the air around me and cringe a little, I think it was small enough for them not to see though Amanda is leaned forward watching me. She's trying to see every expression I have. I have to be stone-faced, I can't...this...

"Are you saying it left you speechless?" Em interrupts with a giggle.

"I guess so yeah," I try to force a chuckle like I'm having fun too. Just one of the girls...sniffing and judging farts for some reason.

"My turn!" Amanda announces as she lifts her butt up towards me. My mind can't help but admire it for a moment, between stolen glances from the road. Her cheeks press tightly against her light blue jeans, showing off each bun prominently like little mounds around a crevice. A crevice that's about to...

FFFFRRRRRRRRUUUUUuuuuuuuuupppppppp!

Amanda sighs in great relief and honestly, I couldn't blame her in that brief moment. Objectively, it was an impressive fart. Subjectively, these girls are fucking bitches and I need to get them out of my car! With all due respect that is due to a paying customer. How do I do this?

My head goes back as Amanda's fart hits me. It smelled like it had been brewing and fermenting for a long while inside her and only was just unleashed like hell upon the air around me. I could tell what her next meaty shit was going to smell like and that is disgusting that I have to know that now. Will I ever fucking forget? Any of them, will I forget what the fuck their gas smells like? I hope so.

I gag a bit too visibly, I can feel it, but I can only envision them all shitting now, loudly echoing farts into the toilet bowl as the shit leaves their...it's horrifying! Why can't this be over? How much longer? Thirty-three minutes. Fuck.