The Lyft

"Are you choking on that?" Amanda asks with an almost taunting tone.

"No no, of course not."

"So what did you think?"

"Oh...it was...impressive. To say the least."

"What about to say the most?" Amanda digs further. "You said Em's was 'very good' so what's mine?"

"Um..." I stammer nervously, "...al...also very good."

Em sits up, "You think her fart was on the same level as mine?!" She asks with a clear distaste for my equivocating.

"Uh no no...I think...well they are both so good...it's...um...it's hard to pick, ya know?" My hand is shaking, I'm worried that I'm going to offend them or say something wrong or I don't know...but I'm scared now. I try to focus on driving. Doesn't anyone out there realize what's happening in here? Somebody save me.

"Well, you need to pick," Em insists forcefully.

"I..." I can feel the sweat collecting at my brow. I mistakenly take a sniff of the air and get a nasty waft of combined fart now aging to the ripest perfection in my car.

"Wait!" Amanda interjects.

Oh thank god, I breathe a sigh of relief through my mouth.

"Jess needs to go."

God no. Why couldn't have been, 'this is stupid, we should stop and let Mr. Driver open the window.' That would have been nice to hear. But of course, Jess needs to fart now. Of course!

"I'm not going to," Jess is adamant, her arms folded across her stomach.

"You have to, just once. Please?" Amanda begs, batting her eyes like a cute puppy dog.

"I did one already," Jess replies with aggravation.

I can only hope the girls consider that good enough, I'd be glad to tell her fart from earlier was magnificent if it meant we could put a stop to this. I just have to wait for...

"No! The judge needs a fresh sample, right?" Amanda asks me, clearly rhetorically.

"Uh..." is really the only thing I say before Amanda tries to sell that to Jess as an agreement that I do indeed need a fresh sample of Jess' fart. I don't. I never needed any of their farts to invade my nostrils but that ship has fucking sailed. But if this could stop right here, that'd be fantastic.

"Come on!" Em encourages Jess, she softly shoves her which seems to irritate her even more.

"Stop!" Jess whines out.

"What's wrong?" Em whispers just loud enough for me to hear.

Jess indicates something but I can't see what. Then I realize...she was probably clutching her stomach. Meaning...

fffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrfffffbbbbbbbbbb!

Jess' fart rumbles almost silently against the cloth of my seats, I could almost picture the visible shit particles getting forever blasted into the fabric like a glaze of what her waste smells like.

"See, isn't that much better?" Em nudges Jess supportively. "Oh my god...that's..." Em trails off with laughter as she puts her shirt over her nose. "I feel sorry for you," she says muffled by the shirt, clearly looking at me.

"..." I utter a sound in the moment before Jess' fart wafted to me. It makes my eyes well up from a burning sensation. My breathing feels almost paralyzed by its smell as it blows through me, I feel frozen in place before I finally remember I have to breathe but it comes out as an audible gag that I can't stop myself from emitting.

"Okay that was definitely you choking," Amanda laughs.

"No no..." I insist. "I...coughed...er..."

"Don't lie," Amanda lightheartedly insists. "You made him choke, Jess!" She says to Jess as if that's supposed to be a badge of honor. Let's make the Lyft Driver choke on our farts, oh what a fun game that is. That's fucked.

And yet, I can see Jess in the backseat beaming. Proud of herself clearly. Em whispers to her but I can't hear them over the sounds of the wheels rumbling over the highway. First time in a year that I've ever wanted to know what was being said in the backseat.

BBBBBBBRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!

Amanda sighs loudly to punctuate her gassy expulsion.

"Amanda!" Em chastises. Jess chuckles quietly.

"What? Are we still doing the contest? I thought Jess won. I had to fart, sorry," she says sincerely. She leans towards me asking, "So what'd you think of that one?"

"Well...uh..." I start to say but the smell of her fart reaches me and I can barely keep my stomach from turning as her invisible cloud seems to hover over me like I'm some methane Eeyore.

"Uh-huh come on, spit it out," Amanda pushes with a grin on her face.

"I...erm..." I try to speak without opening my mouth, just sucking air through my teeth, "Your farts have definitely been...um...powerful." I figured she'd like to hear that and it was the truest thing I can think of right now about her farts. I hope I never have to think about them again after this.

Amanda laughs out loud, "Powerful. Really? Aren't you...uh...gonna breathe it in though? You know, so you can really judge it?" She asks like a boss telling you to do something without actually telling you. But you know it would be good for your health if you followed orders. With what's floating around the air here though I'd say the opposite is true for my health.

"Of...of course," I cringe as I bite my lip and take a very soft inhale of her gas around me and that was all I really needed because it rushes in like a river through a broken dam.

I hear Amanda chuckle to herself but my brain is too focused on maintaining the vehicle and finding some way for my senses to process this stench without passing out. I could feel it. The urge to pass out but I had to get these girls to their destination safely.

"What a good Lyft Driver you are," Amanda says to me like I'm her fucking bitch boy. "You're probably the best driver we've had, don't you think?" She asks the girls in the backseat.

"Definitely," Em chimes in.

"Oh well, I'm very glad to hear that, thank you," I say with my usual cheery tone that comes out like I'm possessed by the spirit of the friendliest ghost. I just want this to end. Now. Just sixteen more minutes. Just sixteen more...

Suddenly I get an update on the Lyft Driver app, Jess has changed the destination to Los Feliz, another forty miles away.

"I've changed my mind and we're gonna go to LA, okay?" Jess rudely tells me after the fact, no longer keen on giving me the appearance of a choice. I would have said yes anyway. I head towards the right side of the freeway to take the next exit and head back the way we came.

I glance at Jess in the rearview and she looks right at me too. My eyes go wide as she lifts her butt off the seat prominently, more than clear enough for me to see, and BRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

She never blinks once during the blast and then asks me, "What'd you think of that one?" Her tone so blunt and cruel, like I was nothing to her now.

"Uh...oh wow, yeah...that...that was...wow..." I stammer through trying to play along with a game I'm not sure I follow anymore.

The aroma of Jess' fart pushes through and joins the rest of the gang around my nose like a rambunctious leader of the flatulence. My tries to crane upward like I am trying to keep my head above water but there is no relief from the methane pool collecting in my car. There's no thin layer of fresh air at the roof of the car to sustain me. I could drown in this gas.

"Not gag worthy anymore?" Jess pushes me with an evil grin on her face.

"I...oh...I'd say...probably it is, yeah." I try to think of the right things to say instead of all the things I actually want to say.

"But you didn't actually gag," she nudges more.

I feel like she's trying to get me angry but I won't. Not while they're still in my car as riders. "I...suppose not." I happen to notice a quicker route open up on the map so I click it and head off the congested 110 freeway.

"Okay Jess, we get it," Em says. "Anyway, I'm overdue a turn!"

"Who's stopping you?" Amanda calls out from the front. "Right?" She nudges me like I'm her best bud.

That pisses me off. Almost more than anything else. Okay, well not more than the farting but that...fuck these girls. Just remember, eventually, this ride will end. Just keep repeating it. Eventually, this ride will end. Eventually, this ride will end. Eventually, this ride will...

PPPPRRRRrrrrrooooooooppppppppp!

Em's expression is almost angelic despite the context like she's passing a great mass with the utmost grace and delicacy.

"Whooo..." she exhales deeply, "I think I may have passed the baby, guys. Oh, wait..." PRRrrrpp! She sighs from her straining and relaxes back into her seat as Jess and Amanda praise her effort.

And I can almost time it now as the gas floats up from the backseat to me and for me to enjoy for the delight of these girls. Em's eggs are still firing off full force as it remains the most prominent smell in her gas, it's like driving through a sulphur mine.

I glance over at Amanda who grins in silence as we pull up to a red light. I brake softly so as to not jerk any of the passengers from their seats, another thing I do as a professional doing this job. Come on light. Change. Change. Their fart odors are burning my nostrils and making them raw. Please change. I'm begging you. Change.

Then, suddenly, a tight grip on my forehead with fingers clutched around my hair. My body goes down to the right, my face pressed against Amanda's perfect but sweat soaked seat of her pants where I got a strong whiff of her ass crack smell and the last fart baked deep into the fabric of her jeans. I figured that wouldn't be where it ended though.

FRRRRRRRRRrrrrruuuuuuppppppp!

Her fart gas bubbles like thick, hot tar against my face and she holds me there despite my attempts to pull away. I fought the urge to just remain in place like a good, subservient independent contractor but I still worried about being seen as rude or non-accommodating. This was really pushing it though.

No, actually they've pushed it since they've gotten in my car but this was a final straw. Though I really had no means to retaliate. I'll give Jess a one-star rating for sure. That'll ensure I never see them again.

"It's green!" Jess calls out from the back.

Amanda finally releases my head and I pop back up ready to drive as if nothing had happened. I wipe the water from my eyes so I can see again and rub my nose as if in some vain attempt to wipe the smell away. If only it was that easy and I was so close this time. I smelled her fucking asshole. That's...

"So what'd you think of that?" Amanda interrupts my inner rant.

"Oh that was...I'm not...I'm not sure what to say. Strong. Very strong. And hot."

Amanda cracks up, "You're so cute, you sound like a fucking caveman. Very strong. Very hot." She makes a deep caveman voice to mock me as she and the other girls laugh out loud.

"Did you like her farting right in your face?" Em taunts me even further.

I chuckle along as I try to keep my mind on driving. I can feel myself almost crying now. But why? Why the fuck do I care what these fucking girls think? I did what they asked, more than they asked, and now they fucking make fun of me! I fucking hate this! Now my fucking face smells like Amanda's ass like I'm fucking wearing it for her, her gassy perfume on my face for her.

"Say you liked it and maybe she'll give you another one," Jess floats the idea from the backseat.

"Of course I would, I'd hate to deprive our favorite driver," Amanda accepts as she rubs her tummy. "I can get one ready for you right now."

"Um..." I start to say. I certainly don't fucking want to say I liked it and I certainly don't fucking want another fart to the face. But what is it they want me to do? What would make them not complain about my service to Lyft?

"We're waiting..." Em nudges.

"Uh...I...I like...liked it," I stumble through, hanging my head after uttering those words.

Amanda gets excited but Jess interrupts, "What specifically do you like?"

I gulp, she can't...she can't really want me to...say it. But she does. Clearly, she does in that sick brain of hers. She's getting some sick satisfaction out of this. And I fucking believed for a second that she was the good one. But they're all fucking demons.

"I...heh...I like farts," I chuckle through it as if to make it deniable later, even if only to myself.

They all get excited to hear it and laugh. "What a good boy," Em says while patting me on the shoulder though I barely noticed. To say their words felt like to let them peel back my skin, shit inside my body, and then sew it all back up with their waste sitting inside me.

I am their plaything. But only for as long as this ride lasts. How long is that now? Six minutes. Oh, thank god. But Jess might fuck with the ride again so best be calm. Obey. And get through this. Just get through it.

"Oh and right on time..." Amanda says as we pull up smoothly to a red light. She leans her butt to the side, showing it off to me. "Go ahead, dive in if you like farts so much."

I want to fucking scream. But I can't. And this light is only so long. And they're only going to be so patient. And it's only going to be a few seconds. And I need this job. So I quickly lean my face straight towards her ass but not quick enough to miss her wide grin as I demean myself further for their amusement. They are loving it.

"Oooh here comes..." Amanda declares.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRrrruuuuuuuppppppppppppppppp!

"Yes! Smell that one really good!" She says as her cold hand grips around the back of my neck and holds me there.

I fighting like crazy to get free from the deep veggie stench that blasts effortlessly from her ass but I can't break free from her grasp.

Em chuckles, "Oh this is a long light." Jess laughs as well.

"That's no problem since he likes farts, right?" Amanda taunts. She readjusts her butt to my face and PRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrbbbbbbbbb!

Amanda sighs exaggeratedly, "It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"Green!" Jess announces.

When finally released my head pops back up as quickly as I can but I can't help panting like a fish out of water. I slowly start to roll the car forward as I recover from Amanda's ass. I was happy to be amongst the older fart air again, sadly that is its own sick relief in my life now.

"So...I asked you if it's wonderful," Amanda reminds me.

"Uh...yuh...yes, of course. Wonderful." I repeat back to her almost like a parrot. I'll say anything to get these girls out of my car in good spirits and no ill-will aimed towards my livelihood. I cringe in part from the smell but also a headache like I'd never experienced before. Maybe the lack of fresh air in the car? I'll take an Advil when they leave.

"That's good to know, maybe we'll ride with you again sometime," Amanda smiles genuinely.

"Oh, I hope so," I say unable to really lie beyond that. My finger is so ready to hit one star on this ride. The thought fills me with a little bit of glee. Fuck Jess! I hope she gets kicked off Lyft because of me.

"Right here on that next corner is fine," Jess says sweetly as if nothing had happened for the past...what was that, two hours?!

"You got it," I say in my cheerful usual way, accepting this farce. I know it happened because I can fucking still smell the farts on my face and in my nose! And in my fucking car!

I softly turn off onto the shoulder with my hazard lights on. I unlock the doors and the girls shuffle out just as quickly as they came in, without another word other than a "Thanks, have a good night" from Jess.

As they disappear around the corner I open my windows wide and finally enjoy something other than the smell of three girls' burger farts. I take big deep inhales of the nice LA air. Well, it's nice in comparison to what I've been smelling. I lean my head out to get a little more fresh air. Finally free from those bitches.

I'm so excited that I notice I forgot to end the ride. I smile to myself, finally a chance to get back at them. Confirm end ride. And one star. Explanation? Um...'very difficult rider' should cover it I think.

Done. Nice.

And how much did I make on this ride from hell? I take a look at the app. $42. Forty-two dollars. Forty-two fucking dollars for all that shit!

PING!

God damn it! But another ride is more money so fuck it! I tap the phone aggressively and accept the ride. I grab the Fabreeze bottle and spray it liberally around the car, front seat and back. The windows down will help it dissipate so it won't be so strong when the passenger gets in. Passenger's name is Beth.

After about four minutes, I am close to the pickup location. I see a woman standing on the curb alone, clearly looking for something right at about the exact spot I'm headed. But maybe it's not for her. Hopefully, it's not for her.

Then she waves me down as she sees my car get close.

"No...no no...not her..." I whisper to myself as I get close to her and bring the car to a stop.

She opens the passenger door next to me.

I tremble a little, "H...hi, for Beth?"

"Hi, yes!" She replies enthusiastically.

She starts to get in, a massive woman in a sunflower sundress and white hat that can barely fit in the seat. I feel my car tilted slightly towards her as she sits all her weight down, she has to pull in some of her girth in order to close the door.

Then I noticed in her hand was a steaming hot chili dog piled high with cheese. My eyes glanced from her chili dog to her face.

"You don't mind if I eat this in the car, do you?" Beth asks politely.

"No...certainly not, please enjoy," I whimper out.

"Thank you," she replies. "I will warn you though, chili tends to make me a little gassy, I hope you don't mind. They don't smell too badly."

I freeze. And I gulp as discreetly as possible. "N...no ma'am. No problem." I say through clenched teeth. "Would you like the windows down?" I glance to her with a smile, praying that she does.

Beth grins and sweetly says, "Oh no, thank you for asking."

I whimper silently as I turn my head back to the road and pull on the window buttons to close them. I turn off my hazard lights and signal my turn. Beth takes a big bite of her dog, munching and chewing just loud enough for me to hear in the silence of the car. I am probably more tuned into it than most anyways, especially after...that last ride.

Once it's safe I merge into the traffic lane for what looks to be another thirty-minute ride. I turn up my music just a tad bit, just enough to hear it and enjoy it before the inevitable switch to Beth's tuba music.