The Marshal Pt. 05

"What?" he asked as her voice trailed away.

"I don't want to leave you," she murmured.

His stomach rolled over. Was she feeling what he was? "I wish you didn't have to leave too, but you knew this was coming."

"I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

"This is for your safety, Bae. Kwang-hoon will never stop looking for you now. It's the only way to keep you safe."

"I'm safe here with you! We could stay here! I could stay with you!"

He reached over and took her hand. "You know that's not possible. Eventually Kwang-hoon will find us. Even if he couldn't, how would we live? My job is in New York."

"I know," she said, looking at her feet. "It's just that I'm so happy, happier than I've ever been. I don't want to go back to my old life."

"I did my best," he teased as he put the car in gear and backed out of the parking space.

"I'm not kidding, Rob," she said, her voice firm. "Something's changed. I've changed. I see there's more to this world than the city. I love it out here where it's so quiet and peaceful." She looked at him. "I like waking up in the same man's arms every morning."

"And I like having you wake up in my arms," he said softly.

They were quiet for a long moment, each lost in their thoughts. "What are we going to do?" she finally asked.

"What we have to."

"Once I go into witness protection, I'll call you."

"I hope you do."

"Do you?"

"Of course."

"I know you said I'm more than a job, but do you think we might have something?"

"Maybe. I'd like to find out."

She nodded slowly. "I would too."

"What?" he asked as she watched him drive.

"Nothing."

"Huh-uh," he grunted. "If something's bothering you, I want you to tell me. You've never been shy about that before."

She was quiet for a long moment, but he said nothing, letting the silence between them linger. "I don't know how I feel. I don't love you, but..."

"But you feel something, something more than friendship?" he suggested when she didn't continue.

She looked up. "Yes. That's it exactly. How'd you know?"

"Because I feel the same way. At dinner I was think how amazing it was that I sat and watched it rain for almost three hours, and I was perfectly content because you were there sleeping in my lap. I'd never have done that before."

She nodded slowly. "And I don't think I'd have been happy being out in the boondocks except that I was with you." She looked at her feet again. "For the first time in my life I'm really happy. I didn't even realize I was unhappy before, but now I know. I was looking for something and I didn't even know it. I found it here, with you." She paused. "And now it's being taken away."

"Hey," he said softly, causing her to look up. "Don't think that way. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can become a new person. Do you know how many people would love a chance to start over? You can move anywhere. You could move back to Maine, if you wanted." He paused and then smiled. "You might want to check out our winters first, though, before you make up your mind about that."

That won him a half-smile. "But you wouldn't be here." She brightened slightly. "Maybe I could move here, to Bangor. I'd be close to you. Maybe we--"

"The service won't allow that, Bae. You have to cut all ties to your past, and that includes me."

"But you said--"

"I know. And I will, but we can't have a life together, not a real life."

"I don't understand. Why not? The Marshal Service doesn't expect me to be an old maid, do they?"

"No, but there's no way they'll let us live together. I'll never forget you, and I'll come see you as much as I can, but you have to move on with your life."

"Is that what you want, for me to move on."

He thought about his answer. "Yes... and no. I'm greedy. I want you with me, but I know that's not what's best for you. As much as I'd like to find out if we have something special, I know that puts you at risk, and I don't want that. So, to answer your question, as much as it pains me to say it, and as much as I wish it could be different, yes, I want you to move on. It's the only way to keep you safe."

Her lips pursed and her eyes welled with tears. "What if I don't want to move on?"

"We have to, Bae. It sucks, but it's the right thing to do."

"Maybe if I don't testify and just disappeared, Kwang-hoon would--"

"You're committed now. You know that," he interrupted.

She stared at him for a long moment. "Just like that, you're going to let me go? You're not even going to fight for us?"

Her words stung. "No, not 'just like that.' But I'd rather miss you than mourn you."

Her face hardened, and she jerked her hand from his. "You're nothing but a bastard! You've used me! You don't give a shit about me so long as I suck your cock and let you fuck me!"

She was lashing out in anger and maybe pain. "No," he said softly, refusing to rise to the bait, "but if it makes it easier for you to think that, then do."

She stared out the side window the rest of the way home. When they went inside he tried to take her into his arms, but she shoved him away and stomped into the bedroom before slamming the door behind her.

"Fuck," he muttered.

He considered following her but stopped himself. He knew he shouldn't have gotten involved with her. Way back at the beginning, when he'd first fucked her in a fit of ire, he knew he was making a mistake even as he was screwing her. After the first time he'd tried to pull back, to not get involved, but she'd broken down his resistance. The past three months, with her living with him, had given his house a vivacity. Before her arrival he'd enjoyed his solitude, but now, thinking about living there without her, the house seemed empty, as if the life had gone out of it. She'd made his house a home. He'd recover, but it was going to suck for a while. A long while.

He went to the kitchen and mixed himself a drink, pouring a splash of coffee brandy and a bigger splash of rum into a glass from the supply he kept, and returned to the living room. It was growing dark and had started to rain again. The weather fit his mood perfectly. He knew Bae testifying and going into the witness security program was the right thing to do. He knew it beyond any doubt, but that didn't make it any less depressing.

He finished his drink but was still staring into the darkness. He wanted to go to her and explain why he had to let her go, but he didn't. Instead, he tried to come to grips with his own feelings, working to convince himself she was no different than any of the other women he'd taken to bed. He kept telling himself it wouldn't have worked between them, that they were too different, and he didn't really care about her. It was just infatuation from having the best sex of his life, and as soon as she was gone, he'd forget about her. He'd fucked her on their trip from Los Angeles, and after less than two weeks of separation, he was ready to fuck some other bitch. This time would be no different.

Except he knew he was lying to himself. The difference between sleeping with her three times and for three months was the difference between the lightning bug and lightning. He might get over her, but it was going to take a hell of a lot longer than a couple of weeks, and he'd always wonder what might have been.

He heard the bedroom door open, and Bae stepped out of the room like a shadow in the darkness. She came to him and sat down beside him, and leaned in close. He wrapped his arm around her.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."

"I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"I shouldn't have put you in this position. I shouldn't have--"

"Just stop," she said softly. "I'm a big girl. I wanted you, too. I'm the one that forced us into this situation."

He kissed her softly and could taste the remnants of her tears. "I'm still sorry."

"I'm not. The only thing I'm sorry about is that it has to end."

"Me too."

"Please, will you take me to bed? If we only have five days left, I don't want to waste a second of it."

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Don't you want to?"

"Yes."

She rose and sat in his lap facing him. He placed his hands on her back to hold her. "You're a good man, Marshal Cogburn. You've opened my eyes to so many things, and I want to enjoy every moment we have left. I want to make love to you, and go kayaking, and walking in the woods, and go shooting. I want to cook, and sit on the deck and watch the sun go down, and make love to you until we stop to watch it come up again. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up there the next morning." She kissed him softly on the lips. "I want to do all that, and more, and I want to do them with you for as long as we have left."

Her words touched him. She had changed even more than he realized, but more than her, he'd changed. Did he love her? He didn't know, but maybe he was starting to fall for her. If only they had more time!

"I'd like that," he said softly.

She leaned in again and kissed him. "The sun is already down, so..."

"I guess I'll have to make love to you until it comes up again."

She sniffed. "I'd like that."

He reached up and gently brushed a tear away with my thumb. This was he fault. He couldn't make it right, but he could do everything in his power so she wouldn't have cause to cry again. "So would I."

They kissed gently, slowly, their pain fueling their desire. He took her to the bedroom where they undressed each other, their lips never far from the other's flesh. As the last of their garments fell away, he lifted her and placed her carefully in the center of the bed. He kissed her, putting all his hopes and regrets into the caress of her lips. They interlaced their fingers as he slid slowly into her depths, her soft sigh of his passage warm and gentle on his face.

Tonight there'd be no fucking, only lovemaking, and he made her his with slow, easy strokes. He wasn't able to last until morning, but they made love long into the night before falling into a deep sleep, still wrapped in each other's arms.

Bae watched as Rob prepared his house for them to leave. Over the last couple of days he'd started the process, washing and servicing the tractor and equipment, putting fuel stabilizer into the fuel, and unhooking the batteries. Since their dinner in Bangor, their meals at home had become more and more eclectic as they consumed the perishables until there was nothing left and they were forced to drive into Wurth for their meals.

Also over the past week, they'd spent as much time enjoying themselves as possible. They'd kayaked and walked in the woods, sat on the deck and sipped brandy as they watched the lake, and made love. Even though she was hurting, the past five days had been the best week of the best three months of her life.

She'd put them in this situation. Rob has tried to keep their relationship professional, even after he'd fucked her the first time outside Fort Smith, Arkansas, but she thought she knew what she wanted. She did know what she wanted. Even after he'd delivered her safely to New York, their three tumbles had been just that, tumbles. They'd scratched an itch but had meant nothing. Now all that had changed. She was starting to have feelings for him, and he'd admitted he had feelings for her. What had started out as sport fucking had morphed into something more. Neither had used the L word yet, but there was something there, something between them, something special she'd never felt before.

When she'd been ordered back to New York City to testify, she'd realized how much she'd come to care for him. She was enamored with him, that much was certain, but it felt like there was more to it than that. She'd briefly entertained the idea that they could run away together, but Rob, as solid and dependable as the stones that littered the edge of the lake, made her realize she was dreaming. She'd lashed out at him in frustration and anger, and he'd accepted her accusations and not snarled back. He'd take the blame to make it easier for her, even though he was blameless. She'd felt guilty for taking her disappointment and frustrations out on him, and resolved not to do it again.

Over the past three months, he'd been wonderful, more than wonderful. He'd been perfect. He was there for her when she needed him, and especially this last week, he'd stayed strong. He'd done a good job hiding his disappoint that their time together was ending, but sometimes she caught him looking at her with sadness in his eyes, and their love making had moved to a new level. They weren't fucking anymore, they were making love. The tenderness in his eyes, the softness of his lips, and the gentleness of his touch was unlike any man before him. There were times, after their love making was finished and she lay in his arms, comfortable and warm, that she felt like crying. She couldn't decide if she wanted to cry for what she'd found, or for what she was losing. Maybe it was both.

Rob opened a valve on the well, water flowing out of the hose into the yard as he drained the plumbing. This was the last thing to do before they left. Tears threatened again. It was really happening. She was leaving, and it was possible she'd never see him again after tomorrow. He'd promised he'd come to her once she was in witsec, but would he? By the time she was able to make contact, would he have moved on, as he'd urged her to do? She looked away before a tear could fall. Until this very moment, she held a secret hope something would happen, a reprieve would be given, and she wouldn't have to leave this beautiful house.

"That's it," Rob said, closing the valve.

All morning his voice had been devoid of any emotion. He'd always been so alive, but over the past couple of days, as they started preparing to leave, it was like the life was draining out of him. It had touched and saddened her in equal measure, but this morning especially, she'd noticed the monotone deliverance of his words.

It was nearly eight, Monday morning. They hadn't made love this morning, the first morning they'd missed in weeks, and by unspoken agreement they'd simply held each other.

She heaved a great sigh. The car was loaded with her clothes and sitting outside the garage, and the house was locked. She bit her lip so she wouldn't cry. His words were like a stake in her heart. It was really going to happen.

"I have something for you," he said. He pulled a key from his pocket and pressed it into her hand before curling her fingers over it. "This is yours."

"What's it to?"

"The house. If anything ever happens, if you ever need to run, if you need to get away, you come here. I'll come for you."

She tried. She really tried, but she couldn't stop the single tear that rolled down her cheek. He wiped it gently away. "You said they'd take everything from me when I go into witsec," she sniffed.

He nodded and took her hand, leading her to the back of the barn. Because the barn was sitting on a bit of a slope, the foundation at the back of the barn was almost hip high. He took the key from her and carefully worked a stone out of the foundation. The back of the stone had been cut away or was naturally flat. Behind it was a small hole with a black plastic box the width and length of a cell phone, but twice as thick. He placed the key in the box and returned the stone. Once the rock was in place, it was almost impossible to tell it wasn't part of the foundation, even with a close inspection. Nobody would ever find it unless they knew exactly where to look.

"Directly under the center of the left window, three stones down, under that wide flat rock," he said, pointing to the stone he'd just described. "It'll always be there if you ever need it."

"Thank you," she whispered.

He smiled, but it was forced. "You're welcome here, always."

"Don't make me cry," she whimpered.

"We have to go."

"I don't want to."

"I don't want to either, but we have to. We gave our word, and it's the only way to ensure your long-term safety."

She looked away, unable to hold his gaze for fear of breaking down into tears. He led her to the marshal car and opened the door for her. She smiled to herself as he placed his hand between her head and the top of the car as she sat. He'd stopped doing that, but he was slowly slipping back into his Marshal Cogburn mode. They stopped on the way out, and for the first time since she arrived, he locked the gates.

The long drive back to New York was uneventful until they reached Massachusetts. They decided to stop for lunch in Worcester because there was a wreck or something on the interstate that was bottling up traffic, and they hoped by the time they finished eating the problem would be resolved.

"You okay?" Rob asked as they waited for their food to arrive. "You've been quiet the entire trip."

"So have you," she pointed out.

"Yeah."

There was a lot of meaning hidden in that one little word. She knew exactly what he meant. She had so much she wanted to say to him, but she was afraid. Afraid to put into words how she felt, afraid he didn't feel the same way, and afraid that even if he did, they were going to be ripped apart. Until she said the words, she could pretend they weren't true.

"We had good times, right?" she asked.

A smile flickered over his lips as he reached across the table. She took his hand. "The best. The house is going to seem empty without you there."

It was his house, but she'd become so comfortable there. She thought she enjoyed the hustle of the city, but she dreaded going back to it now. She didn't have a response for that, so she squeezed his hand.

The waitress was putting their plates on the table when Rob's phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket, frowned at it, and touched the screen.

"Cogburn." He listened for a long moment. "We're on our way. We're in Massachusetts and should be in New York between six and seven tonight." He listened again, rolling his eyes and rapidly opening and closing his fingers as if they were speaking. "No. We're safer staying under the radar. I'll deliver her to the courthouse Tuesday morning." He paused again. "No!" he said sharply. "I'll have her there, but right now there's no way Kwang-hoon can know where we are or where we're coming from. Every time we pop up we put her at risk. I'll have her there, and I'll bring her in without drawing a lot of attention to ourselves. That's the safest way." He listened a moment longer. "You do that," he said firmly and hung up. "Dumbass."

"What?" she asked as she poked at her meal with a fork.

"Martinelli wants to take you into protective custody the moment we arrive in New York. You know damn well Kwang-hoon is going to be watching the Moynihan building and try to pick you up."

"So what are we going to do?"

"We'll stay at my place tonight and I'll take you to the courthouse in the morning. After you testify, you'll leave under heavy guard."

"Will you be there? On my protection detail, I mean?"

"Probably not."

"I don't like it," she said firmly. "I don't trust anyone but you."

"I can't be on you twenty-four, seven."

She couldn't help but smile. "Maybe not, but you've tried."

He sniffed once, his eyes crinkling in amusement. "You know what I mean. Martinelli is going to have four marshals on a protection detail at all times. Not even Kwang-hoon will be able to reach you through that."

"I'd still feel better if you were there."

"You'll be safe."

She looked down. "I guess. Maybe I could demand it. What do you think?"

"I don't think Martinelli will go for that again. That opens him up for accusations of impropriety."

Rob was probably right. Kwang-hoon would do or say anything if he thought it would benefit him in some way, but even if Rob wasn't in her room, and in her bed, if he were just outside the door, she'd feel better.