tagNon-EroticThe Name Not To Call Your Dog

The Name Not To Call Your Dog

byJack Gates©

The last name you should choose is, 'Sex.'

Everyone who owns a dog calls it by a sensible name, Like Rover, Boy, Trixie, or just plain, 'Dog!'

Not me! I don't know why. Maybe it was because I wasn't getting any at the time and it was rankling. I will even go as far to say it was a sore subject. Dunno, maybe I should not have called my dog, 'Sex!'

Little did I know then what an embarrassment it would be for my wife and I. Like when I went to the post office, in those days you needed a licence to keep a dog.

The lady behind the counter was nice, she called me, Sir!

'Yes? What can I do for you, Sir?' she said.

'I would like a licence for Sex please.'

She seemed quite genuine when she asked, 'Are you legally married? Is your wife over the age of consent?'

'Yes, Miss! Why do you ask? I don't see the connection!'

'You do not need a licence to have Sex with your partner if you are legally married, Sir!'

'But! You do not seem to understand! She's a dog!'

'I am not really concerned what she looks like! We all have our crosses to bear. You should see my husband!'

'You still do not understand, do you? I have had Sex since I was nine years old!'

'Really, Sir! Whoaweee! I don't know whether you are bragging or complaining. I thought I was an early starter when I had it when I was fourteen! My Dad threatened to disown me, he did!'

Finally I gave up and purchased a book of postage stamps.

Then there was the time my wife and I went on honeymoon and we could not stand to see our Sex left behind.

'Good Evening, Sir and Madame! Welcome to the Palm Beach Hotel! Have you made reservations?'

'Eh! Yes we did. We have a problem though. The lady who usually had Sex, said she couldn't do it this time, so we had to bring Sex with us which means we now require an additional room for Sex... Please.'

The hotel receptionist just did not know where to look, finally she looked at me and then my wife and back at me again. I could see she was doing her best to control her features. Finally she said, 'You do not have to worry on that score, Sir! All our rooms are warm and sound-proofed. We have had no complaints although some of the ladies admitted to us that they were very loud in the bedroom. Personally, don't say I told you, but I can tell you from experience that it is possible to get up to the kinkiest of goings on and not be heard.'

It was at this stage that, Gertrude, my good lady wife tried to help, Bless her. 'You do not seem to understand, Miss. Sex, keeps my husband and I awake at night! I can put up with it, but my husband can't, it makes him fractious, when he gets excited, sometimes he can be violent!'

I could see the receptionist was beginning to enjoy the conversation, she probably felt we were talent for the hotel variety show. She cleared her throat and continued, 'Let me see if I can sort all this out for you, Sir, Madame. First of all, you do not like to have Sex in your bedroom. I can understand that! Some people can't eat in the dining room. We all have our idiosyncrasies, don't we? You want a special room for Sex. That could be a bit expensive. Our en-suite bathrooms are very spacious, my boyfriend and I often have it in the bathroom. The bubbles tickle, you see. plus the fact he has this thing for water sports. Can't get any kinkier than that, can you?'

We gave up! We ended up having Sex on our bed.

You haven't heard the last of it! There was the time when I entered Sex into the local Dog Show. We spent hours on Sex, getting her ready for the show, even teaching her to hold her tail up.

Amazingly, she went right through to the finals! We were proud of Sex!

Everything went fine until this nice lady Judge started to ask questions.

'What is your dogs name?'

'Sex, Marm.'

'Excuse me? What did you say, Young Man?

'I said, Sex, Marm!'

'Now! Look here, Young Man! You have a very good show worthy dog here who can win prizes on her own merits. She certainly does not need you to bribe the judges!'

'B-B-But, you don't seem to understand Sex is...'

She did not give me time to finish, she walked Sex on her lead and placed her on the First Prize rostrum. Later, when she shook my hand formally she held onto my hand and passed me a folded note concealed in the palm of her hand. It read: I am very tempted by your offer. Phone me on this number at 7 o'clock this evening. Leave your wife and the dog at home.

We had a good laugh about Sex later on that evening. We both were glad that she misunderstood about Sex.

Finally, the arguments about Sex became overheated between my wife and I so that we decided to separate for a while. She just could not understand why I put Sex before her! I think it was because I had Sex long before I met her and Sex means so much to me that I could not possible be without Sex.

You have no idea how complicated it was to talk to a divorce lawyer! Needless to say he was more on my wife's side than mine. He had the damned audacity to say that I should give up Sex! He went on to mumble something about me getting my priorities right! The nerve of the man!

I was in a fit of rage when I left his office, let me tell you! Me give up Sex, never!

When I got back to the car I found the Sex had got bored and chewed up her leash. No problem, I stopped at the pet shop on my way home. I did it again, didn't I?

'Good evening, Sir! What can I do for you?' said the very nice comely young lady behind the counter.

'Good evening to you too, Miss! I would like a nice studded collar and a strong chain lead for Sex, please, Miss.'

'Certainly, Sir! Would you like sharp or blunt studs? Me and my boyfriend likes the sharpens! They scratch lovely, they does.'

'I want them for my, Bitch!'

'Oh! Sir! You are like my boyfriend! The things he does call me when he his aroused!'

I came out of that shop with a box of Bonios...!

The fat really did hit the fan when I got back to the car! Sex had only escaped through the window I had left open! It was already getting dark.

How do you get your dog back? You call her right? Sometimes you have to call real loud, don't you? I was only calling when I felt this size fifteen hand on my collar!

'I must caution you, Sir! Anything you say may be taken down in writing and used in evidence...'

'B-B-But Officer! I w-w-was only looking for Sexxxxxxxxxxxxxx!'

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