The New Season

"Ladies," he said, "you are very relaxed, so relaxed that you need to use each other just to remain standing." Instantly the two reached out for each other's arm and reset their feet as if to keep from stumbling in their high heels. He turned to the audience and said. "That ought to do it."

"OK, ladies," the hypnotist said into his microphone, "You just stand there for a few moments. Steady on your pegs." Turning to the audience he said, "Folks, these two lovely ladies are going to do a little 'improv' for you tonight. I'll ask a few questions and you will set the scene for our lovely actresses. What are these women doing?"

"Having sex!" one patron shouted.

"Sorry, buddy, no can do" said the hypnotist as he raised his hand to shield his eyes from the spotlight while he peered into the back of the crowd. "Someone's been spending too much money on porn I think." The crowd laughed.

"Having lunch!" came a suggestion from a young woman towards the front of the stage.

"Now that we can work with," said The Amazing Randy. "What will they talk about?"

"Men!" came the immediate response from a few women in the crowd.

"O.K.," the hypnotist said as he formed a mock-pensive posture, gently rubbing his chin. "We can work with that as well."

"Sexy men!" came a shout which was immediately followed by both laughter and applause.

"O-KAAAAAY!" Randy shouted back. "Pot's on, gas on high; we are cookin'! " Randy said before he turned his back on the crowd and returned to the two women who were standing quietly. "Ladies, you are having lunch together downtown. You're very close friends who keep nothing from each other. While you are waiting to order your meal you are checking out the twenty-somethings and comparing notes. Speak up, nobody else can hear you. Watch the spotlight. When it stops that will be your cue to start your conversation." Then, turning to the audience and cupping his ear he asked, "and that conversation will be about what folks?"

"Sexy men!" the audience shouted back.

"That's right," said the Amazing Randy. Then he added "Men, if the spotlight falls on you please stand up so these lovely ladies can get a good look at you. Of course, you don't have to, but I think that you will find that cooperating will look better to your girlfriend than wussing out. Right, folks?" The audience loudly agreed.

"Well," he said, "that ought to do it." He hesitated just for a moment and then said "Let's make it more interesting. I will be your waiter and I'm fair game for comment." He hesitated for a few seconds and then spoke clearly into his microphone and half-turned to the audience. "Oh yeah, you both think I'm incredibly good looking."

The house lights lowered as Randy walked over to the two women who were still holding on to each other and softly gave them their final instructions. "You're seated at your table ladies. When the men in the audience stand up let's hear your naughtiest thoughts."

Randy moved to the side of the stage, away from the spotlight which softly lit up the two women. Suddenly a bright "follow spot" began to sweep over the crowd, zigging and zagging until it stopped on a young man with shoulder length curly blonde hair. When he rose, he stood at well over six feet, long and lean, a credit to his gender.

The girls had been "miked-up" while the room was darkened, so when they spoke to each other the entire room could hear their conversation. Vickie was the first to speak.

"Oh my God, Stephanie," said Vickie. "Get a load of Sven over there. He looks like a Viking. Oh my God," she exclaimed.

The audience laughed. Stephanie replied without hesitation and without diverting her eyes from "Sven." "Not a Viking, Vickie, more like a Norse god. If Thor over there asks nicely, I'll help him lift his hammer." The audience roared its approval.

The follow spot moved to another part of the room and stopped on a shorter but solidly built man, who stood up to reveal a massive upper body with tattooed biceps and thick forearms. "Check out the big guy over there," Vickie said as she spoke to her daughter-in-law.

Stephanie shrugged and held up her right hand with three or so inches between her thumb and forefinger. "Eh," Stephanie said, unconvinced.

"Maybe so, Stephanie, but I bet it's more like this as she used both hands to make a circle three or so inches in diameter. The crowd, which had reacted to the length measurement with a bit of a hush, almost a shock, exploded into laughter in reaction to Vickie's generous girth estimate and laughed even harder when the patron in the spotlight held up both hands leaving a six or seven inch space between his palms and then used them again to confirm Vickie's generous girth estimate. The man broke into a broad grin and gave the audience a big "two thumbs-up."

The girls continued to rate other men for a few more minutes to similar crowd response until The Amazing Randy walked through their spotlight pretending to hold a full tray of food in his right hand, which was raised above his shoulder, waiter-style. Instantly both women looked at each other and mimed "Oh, my God!" Stephanie said "Vickie, we're in his section. That's our waiter!"

"Steph, I don't care if he's a dumb waiter. I just want another look at his amazing ass. Wow!" said Vickie.

Randy returned to the table, this time with a pretend order pad. He said, "Are you ready to order?"

"Tell me about your Alfredo sauce," said Stephanie. "I hope that it's creamy and thick."

"And plentiful- enough for two," Vickie added as she licked her lips, with a slow, languorous and unmistakably sensual smack. This cougar was dangerous.

"Can I get a large helping of your sausage with that Alfredo sauce, Randy?" the younger of the two asked. "How about you, Vickie, could you handle a piece of Randy's sausage?" The crowd howled its approval of their raunchy talk.

"Oh yeah," said Vickie. "You know how I just love sausage, Steph, especially if it comes with gobs of thick, creamy white sauce." She made the hand gesture which was universally synonymous with fellatio as she added, "Sometimes I like to just take my time with the sausage, sucking the sweet juices from it and then follow it with a mouthful of sauce. Then, I swallow it all."

In the darkness, The Amazing Randy could tell that the audience needed a few moments to catch its collective breath. He took a moment to check out Mike and Mike Jr's table. The two husbands were completely unaffected by their wives' crude comments, except, of course, Mike Jr., who was doubled over in laughter. The display had run its course and it was time for The Amazing Randy to end the performance. Acting on a pre-arranged signal, the lighting technician switched the spotlight back to the table where both Mike and Mike Jr. stood up as per Randy's previous "suggestion."

The girls on stage wasted no time critiquing their husbands. "Hey Stephanie, what do you think about the young one?" asked Vickie.

"Not particularly attractive, Vick," said the man's wife. The crowd held their collective breath. "I actually know him and I know for a fact that he has a tiny dick. His closet and bedside end table are full, of weird pump devices and penis enlarging pills."

The place went wild. There were gasps of "Oh my God!" and "Did you hear that?" but mostly people just laughed, turned to each other and laughed some more.

"What about the other guy?" Stephanie asked.

"Well, for starters, he's wearing a rug and a not very good one at that. I have a strong feeling that he's lousy in the rack. I'll bet that he's as bad in bed as his stupid rat's nest looks."

"If he can still get it up, you mean," added Vickie.

"Exactly," said Stephanie as she held up her index finger and then curled it, indicating a limp penis.

"Whoa!" several members in the audience shouted before guffawing while the rest of the audience offered its loudest laughs of the night.

That was enough for The Amazing Randy. He knew from experience that the laughs simply could not get any bigger and it was always better to end the show when the laugh meter was "pegged." He walked to the front of the stage to address the audience. Behind him, still bathed in the spotlight were his two subjects, whose microphones were still on. "Oh, Steph," Vickie gasped. "I can't get over Randy's magnificent rear end. Jesus, I could tell him the TRUTH! We need to leave him a big tip."

"I'll bet he already has a big tip," laughed Stephanie.

Still looking at the audience, Randy raised his right hand and then said "Ladies, time to be quiet." He snapped his finger, strictly for show, and the ladies fell quiet. Then, addressing the audience, he said. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're nearing the end of tonight's show, but before we say goodnight I'd like to call our two very forgiving husbands up to the stage and maybe do a little damage control." He turned to the two men, who were still standing and whose table was still illuminated and said, "You guys have been really good sports. Come up here and take a bow."

The two men made their way to the stage and Randy met them at the top of the stage stairs. He greeted them and then turned his back to the audience while he leaned in to speak privately. The three of them walked slowly towards the two women. "Listen carefully. This is the last time either of you will ever come to Harry's. You will leave this club tonight without collecting any payment whatsoever from the club's owner. Each of you will leave the waitress a hundred dollar tip."

Randy continued his list of commands. "You will not send anyone to collect anything from Lil or any other club employee, ever. From this moment on you will leave this establishment and its owners, employees, and patrons completely and unalterably alone. Furthermore, you will hold no recriminations towards your wives, who you love, and to whom you will remain absolutely faithful from now on. If you understand me, nod your heads and laugh.

The two gangsters nodded and laughed in reply.

When the three reached the two silent women Randy turned to address his audience. "Folks, I have a couple of marriages to save. Please bear with me for a moment. He pulled the watch from his pocket and waved it back and forth. Speaking to the four subjects on stage, he said "I want to thank you all for being such good sports. When I snap my fingers, ladies you will be released from my hypnotic control. You will remember only that you had a wonderful time tonight and that you love your husbands. You gentlemen will completely forget your wives behavior here tonight, remembering only that you love them. If you understand me, nod your heads affirmatively." All four indicated that they understood his instructions.

"Additionally, as you leave the stage, you will do your very best impression of monkeys until I snap my fingers."

Randy watched as all four got down on their haunches, howling jungle sounds and scratching as they moved toward the stage stairs near their table. He snapped his fingers and all four stood up, a little disoriented, but smiling as the audience gave a standing ovation to the World's Greatest Hypnotist. Randy waved and said "Goodnight. Please drive home safely."

Once out of the limelight, Randy was greeted by Lil, who was still clapping.

Randy spoke. "Lil, before you say anything, I want you to know that you aren't paying anybody anything tonight, except me, of course," He added a tiny chuckle for good measure. Neither of these men will ever come to Harry's ever again, nor will they send anyone in their stead. If, by any chance, they do... and they won't, give me a call and I will catch the first flight I can and solve the problem, which isn't going to happen, within twenty-four hours.

"But Randy," Lil protested.

"Lil, it's over. Trust me. You do trust me, Lil, don't you?"

"Of course I do, Randy," she replied.

"It's over. I'm going to my dressing room to get back into my civvies. When I come out, I'll meet you at the bar. The way I figure it, the house owes me a scotch and soda, and the good stuff too." He smiled a reassuring smile and leaned over to give Lil a brief kiss on the cheek.

The rest of the week's performances were successful, though uneventful.

Randy had already said his goodbyes to Lil and the rest of his friends at Harry's the night before. It was time to move on to the next stop on his tour. As Randy opened the driver's side door of his rental car to slide his small make-up case into the back seat he remembered the guest check that Amy, the cute waitress from the X-Cut, had given him. Reaching over, he took it out of the glove compartment. Her phone number and name were written in a neat, easily readable cursive script. "Feminine," Randy thought to himself. "I like that."