The Next Generation

I was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping my third cup of coffee, trying to drown in my sorrows when my precocious 14-year-old, Jamie came to join me.

"Pumpkin, since when did you start drinking coffee? Don't you know it will stunt your growth?" I was trying to be funny.

"If I read an article that says coffee prevents me developing bigger boobs, I'll stop."

Coffee came out my nose. Jamie laughed as I cleaned up my mess.

"Dad, I've been drinking coffee for months now. Helps me get psyched up to put up with the crap I have at school."

"I know what you mean. For me, it took going to college to become a coffee drinker. Changing subjects, how's your love life going?"

"Better than yours."

Déjà vu the coffee, nose and wiping up routine.

"What the hell do you know about your parents' love life?"

"I know she's getting some on the side and you're not."

Damn, my own daughter knew about my wife cheating before me. Was I that clueless a cuckold that I missed all the warning signs?

"So, how long have you known about your mother having a lover?"

"Several months. I came home early and caught them in your bed. By the way, your dick is much larger than his."

After the third episode of spraying coffee out my nose, I gave up drinking anymore. "How would you know how big my penis is?"

"I've peeked in the shower before. I was curious when my friends said that men's dick size differs and bigger is better. I was disappointed the first time I saw yours. I thought it would be bigger. Then I saw it one time when it was erect. Wow, what a difference. I guess you're a 'grower and not a shower.'"

"Have you seen other boys' penises?"

"Sorry, Dad. That's privileged information. Maybe I'll tell you when we have our father-daughter sex talk."

"It sounds like I'm already too late. I keep telling myself you're not ready to talk about that yet."

"I'm not talking about me having sex, I'm talking about you and Mom having sex. If you're stupid enough to want to keep her, you're going to have to up your game."

"Now you're a damn sex therapist? I don't think I need one of those. What I need is a good divorce attorney."

"I can help there too."

"I'm sure you can. I keep forgetting that at your age, you know everything, and I know nothing."

"Sorry, I'm not dressed appropriately for your pity party. I may only be 14, but I've done my research. You know that I've been hanging out with Eileen and Brenda lately? Well, they both have gone through their parents getting divorced. I've learned from them."

"Excuse me, Ms. Marriage Expert, just what do you think you have learned?"

"You're going to get screwed in the divorce and not in the enjoyable sense of the word. Mom will end up with the house, alimony, child support and half your assets. I'm old enough to have a say in where I go. No offense Dad, but I plan to stay with Mom. I can torture her better that way. In my 14 years I have learned the right buttons to push. Just to warn you, don't believe the stories you will hear from Mom about how I am acting.

"I've also learned not to stand by and do nothing. I'm taking a proactive stance in this matter. This is my life. If it's going to be ruined, I want it to be my fault. My friends just sat at the bottom of the hill and let the shit from their parents roll right over them. I'm not about to put up with that shit, pun intended."

"Jaime, are you that sure your mother and I will divorce? What if I agree to tolerate living in the same house with her in order to be home with you?"

"Really, Dad? If you stay, you will be to trading saving money for self-mutilation. You will not be saving your precious little baby. Thanks, but no thanks. I won't accept that burden. I will not be the cause of your continued misery any more than a normal teenager causes anyway. If you stay with Mom, blame yourself for your sadness and depression. Believe me, I won't value your supposed 'sacrifice' for my sake."

"So, what do you propose we do?"

"Burn the bitch!"