The One Where Everyone Finds Out

It was a busy Tuesday morning at work. Saoirse had only seen Neil briefly as he walked past her office on his way to the kitchen for tea break.

Just before lunch, her office door opened. "Hi Matt!" rang the chorus of Saoirse's colleagues greeting Neil's boss Matt as he poked his head in the door. He greeted them quickly then looked directly at Saoirse and tilted his head indicating for her to step outside. Saoirse thought it strange since he usually came in to her office full of chat in a jovial mood. There was an eerie silence in the corridor outside. Matt's face was sombre and almost grey, he was wearing his coat and holding his car keys.

"Neil has taken ill and he's asking for you." Matt said quickly in a hushed voice as he stood in front of her, leaning down to her height.

Saoirse's face fell, her eyes widened and she felt her heart race. "What?! What happened? Where is he?" Saoirse asked, moving to get past Matt and walk in the direction of Neil's office.

Matt stopped her. "We called an ambulance because he collapsed and he couldn't get up. The paramedics think he might've had a stroke." Matt said quickly. "I told him..."

Saoirse interrupted him. "A STROKE? What?! He's only 42 and he's as fit as they get. Oh my god. Oh my god!" Saoirse panicked. "Where is he?" she asked frantically, trying to move past him.

"Listen to me." Matt said quietly but sternly, holding his hands up.

"WHERE IS HE, MATT?" Saoirse asked frantically.

"LISTEN!" Matt said, grasping her shoulders. "The paramedics are with him downstairs. There's not enough room in the ambulance so I told him I'd drive you to the hospital. OK?" he said.

"OK, OK." Saoirse nodded, her mind was racing and her breath caught in sharp gasps in her chest. "Wait, what do I tell my boss?" she asked, panicking further.

Matt lowered his voice. "I squared it with your manager. I'm sorry but in the circumstances...I told her about the two of you, alright?" he shrugged and pursed his lips apologetically. "I just told her there was an emergency and you needed to go with Neil." he said. Saoirse nodded. "Get your belongings and come back out here to me, you don't need to tell anyone in the office anything. I'll wait here." he said firmly.

Saoirse's mind was racing and she was shaking as she walked quickly into her office, turned off her computer, lifted her cardigan and her handbag and left without a word to her colleagues.

In the car they barely spoke. Saoirse tried to hold back tears but it was useless. Matt drove faster than she thought he'd probably ever driven for someone usually so careful and law-abiding. When they got to the hospital, Matt parked in the first space he saw and they rushed into the Emergency Room. They joined the queue for the reception desk and Matt shifted impatiently on his feet. Saoirse was overwhelmed with panic, she was shaking and crying. Matt patted her back. "We're here now, we'll find out where he is in a minute." he said, trying to sound calm but his voice was tense.

"They won't let me see him, I'm not his next of kin. What if they won't let me see him, Matt?" she panicked.

Matt patted her back. "Shh shh sh sh." he tried to reassure her.

They were called forward to the reception desk but Saoirse couldn't speak, she was sobbing and desperately trying to contain herself. "Deacon, Neil. He was brought in by ambulance." Matt said. Then came the next of kin question. "No, I'm his boss but this lady is his partner who he's been asking for so I've brought her here." Matt replied. They were told to take a seat in the waiting area. An hour passed and they were still waiting. Matt got up to speak to the receptionist again. "They've said they'll get someone to come and speak to you." he said as he sat down. Saoirse nodded thankfully. Her eyes stung and her throat burned from crying. Matt went to get a cup of tea, a bottle of water and a cereal bar for Saoirse. "Anything?" he asked when he returned, nodding towards the reception. Saoirse shook her head.

Another hour passed and Saoirse spotted a nurse scanning the waiting room intently. She approached them. "Saoirse?" she asked softly. Saoirse nodded. "I'm Zoe, I'm looking after Neil." she smiled. "When I asked for your description he said 'she's short with red hair and she looks about 21' so I was trying to figure out who you were." the nurse said. "Sorry about that!" she gave an embarrassed smile.

"That's pretty accurate though so don't worry!" Saoirse laughed nervously.

"He's back from the scan now and I can bring you in to see him." the nurse said quietly.

Saoirse nodded. "OK, thank you." she said timidly as she gathered her things and stood up. Matt left, telling her to phone him for a lift back to work to collect her car when she needed it. Saoirse tried to stop shaking again as she walked beside the nurse through the triage area and into the treatment bay. "Is he OK? I'm not sure what to expect." Saoirse said nervously.

"He's awake, sitting up in bed and talking so that's good. He's not saying much, is he usually quite quiet?" the nurse asked, looking at her. Saoirse nodded, took a deep breath and her eyes filled up with tears again. The nurse stopped and squeezed Saoirse's shoulder. "He doesn't look like he's had a stroke, that may be just because of his age but it's still a good sign. He's very weak and tired. Don't worry about getting upset." she said softly. Saoirse nodded and gave her a grateful smile.

They reached the bay and the nurse stopped at the curtain in front of Neil's bed. "Trouble's in here." she said loud enough so Neil could hear. Saoirse peered round the curtain to see Neil in the bed in a hospital gown with a nursing assistant holding a glass of water with a straw up to his mouth. He was even more pale than usual and hooked up to various monitors that beeped and hissed. The nursing assistant put an oxygen mask on him and left. Neil stared at Saoirse as she walked up to the bed, his eyes were red as if he'd been crying for hours and his skin was blotchy. She didn't know what to say, she tried not to cry but couldn't help it, she was simultaneously relieved to see him and frightened by what was happening.

Neil tried to reach his right hand up to her face and to wipe her tears but he was shaking and weak. "Aww Saoirse!" he said softly, trying to take the oxygen mask off with his left hand. She shook her head at him and reached over to put it back on his face. She slid her hand over to hold his hand, careful to avoid the cannula in the back of it.

"Are you OK? What happened?" she asked softly, trying to compose herself.

Neil shrugged and shook his head. "I just fancied a lie down..." he said, trying to joke, his voice weak.

Saoirse shook her head and looked round at the nurse who was standing at the end of the bed watching them. "He said he had a migraine which we think was the start of it. We had to give him a clot-busting drug, because of the muscle weakness we thought it might be a stroke. So he's been for a CT scan and they should have the results within the hour." she said. Saoirse swallowed hard as she nodded and tried to take it all in.

"See, it was nothing!" Neil teased quietly as the nurse moved up beside Saoirse. Saoirse shook her head and tutted quietly at him, squeezing his hand in hers.

"I'll just try and call your sister again, Neil." she said, rubbing Saoirse's back before leaving the cubicle.

Saoirse and Neil looked at each other for a while without speaking. She squeezed his hand in hers. "You told me on Sunday night that you had a headache." Saoirse whispered as he looked away. "Neil, this is scary." she whispered. Neil nodded slightly. "Really scary." Saoirse whispered. He looked at her but didn't speak and she could feel him shaking. "I just want to hug you and never let go." Saoirse whispered as tears started to run down her face again. Neil nodded, stroked her hand and they looked at each other. He pulled down his oxygen mask and she leaned over to kiss him gently. "I love you." she said softly, trying to compose herself. Neil nodded as she put his oxygen mask back on his face and smoothed his hair. Soon the nurse returned and the doctor came to see them. He explained the CT scan showed no immediate signs of stroke but Neil was to be admitted to hospital for a few days for more scans and observation.

Saoirse had to go to work for the rest of the week. At night she couldn't sleep and couldn't stop thinking about Neil. The gossiping was already rife at work which didn't help. Saoirse felt awkward about visiting Neil in hospital, like the time was for his family and she didn't really have a right to be there. She began exchanging daily messages with his sister Deb and she Facetimed Neil in the evenings but he didn't have much to say because he was still very weak and tired. She could tell that he was frustrated at being in hospital and having to stay in bed but he was avoiding talking about what had happened.

A few days later he was discharged home from hospital. Saoirse went to his flat on Saturday morning and was greeted by Deb. They had formed a strong bond over the past week, even though it was mostly over text message. They agreed that the following week, Saoirse would go to Neil's after work and stay until morning and Deb would arrive after night-shift and be there while Saoirse was at work.

Neil was in surprisingly good spirits when Saoirse went into the living room. He looked tired and weak just sitting on the sofa but he smiled widely on seeing her. "How are you?" she asked as she set a cake tin on the counter top. Neil shrugged and nodded. Saoirse was shocked at how much thinner and more frail he looked in the 4 days since she'd last seen him in person. "Deb told me the MRI scans showed no signs of stroke at all, that's such a relief." Saoirse said, sitting down beside him. "That's great news." she smiled and reached over to hug and kiss him.

Neil nodded. "Where is she?" he asked.

"Deb? She's gone to get some groceries, she won't be long." Saoirse replied.

"Come here." Neil said, reaching his hand across to her. Saoirse must've looked shocked because Neil laughed and tutted. "We haven't had a cuddle in over a week so you must be in withdrawal, come here 'til I see you." he smiled. Saoirse smiled at him and held her hand over her heart. She pushed off her shoes and pulled her feet up under her then she slid across the sofa, lying her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms round her. "I've missed you." he said softly. "I love you." he said as he smelled her hair.

"I love you too." Saoirse replied. She could see and feel that he was still very weak and trembling. The warmth of his body and the scent of his cologne comforted her into a relieved yet brief sleep. She was woken a short time later by him trying to move. For a split second when she stirred she forgot what had happened and was momentarily shocked by this frail figure trying to get up off the sofa. "Neil, what's wrong?" she asked quickly, shaking herself awake and standing up to help him.

"Nothing, I'm fine. I'm just going to the bathroom." he said with a weak laugh.

"Do you need a hand?" she asked, nervous at seeing him on his feet for the first time since he'd collapsed.

Neil tutted and laughed dismissively. "I'm going for a piss so unless you want to hold my dick for me then no." he said sharply.

Saoirse was taken aback at his tone but she rationalised it thinking he was probably just glad to be out of hospital and at home. She stepped back. "Do you fancy a cup of tea and some cake?" she asked. "The caramel one, I baked it last night." she said timidly, nodding towards the tin she'd left on the counter top. Neil raised his eyebrows and nodded.

They spent the afternoon on the sofa watching films and chatting with Deb. Saoirse could sense tension between Neil and his sister. She didn't want to get in the way and she hadn't yet got a proper gauge on how Neil was really feeling. Deb started questioning Neil about how he was feeling. "Got your nurse's hat on again, Deb?" Neil joked.

"Well, dear brother, if I keep my sister hat on any longer I'll give you another piece of my mind!" she retorted.

"Give it a rest, Deb. You must have someone else you could harass!" he said sharply.

"Neil!" Saoirse said sternly, looking at him. He met her gaze and glared at her as she shook her head.

"I'm checking you are alright before I nip home and I'll be back tomorrow night before Saoirse goes home." Deb said, flatly, nodding at Saoirse.

"I need permission now to be with my girlfriend?" he asked. "And am I not allowed to be on my own at all?"

"Stop it now!" Saoirse hissed at him.

Neil gave her a puzzled look and shrugged. Deb got up and lifted her bag and Saoirse followed her out into the hall. "I'll text or ring you if there's anything wrong." Saoirse said. "Though he has yet to talk to me about any of this at all, he just keeps avoiding it or trying to make a joke."

"Stupid male ego!" Deb said quietly with a sigh as she rolled her eyes. To Saoirse's surprise, Deb hugged her tightly. "I'm not back on nights until Monday night so I'll be here when you get back after work." Deb reassured her.

Saoirse nodded. "I have plenty of annual leave to use so I might take some next week, that'd give you a proper sleep during the day." she said.

"I don't mind," Deb shrugged. "There's not much he wants help to do, he's that stubborn! You'd better check with him." she pursed her lips. Saoirse agreed and Deb left.

"How's work?" Neil asked when Saoirse went back in to the living room.

"Yeah, fine. Busy. Just the same." she replied with a shrug. Neil looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "Well, the news has spread like wildfire. I'm not sure if people are more interested in the fact that you're not well or that we've been together for nearly a year and hardly anyone knew." she sighed a laugh. "Has anyone been blowing up your phone?" she teased.

"Yeah, my phone's been busy. I haven't even read half of the messages. I can't deal with it at the minute." he said. "People that ignore you in the corridor are suddenly very concerned when they want to know the gossip." he said, sceptically.

Saoirse nodded. "People who've never even looked at me before are asking me how you are as if they're my bestie!" she said with a laugh. "I've just been telling everyone you're fine." she said, looking at him cautiously.

"Yeah, cos I am." he said with a flat smile. Saoirse didn't want to push it but he was completely avoiding discussing it with her. The mood between them was tense and it remained that way until Monday evening when Saoirse arrived after work.

Deb made dinner and they all ate together at the dining table before she left for work.

"Do you want to go out for a drive? Get some fresh air?" Saoirse asked as she did the washing up.

"A drive?! I can walk, I'm not an invalid!" Neil laughed dismissively.

Saoirse took a deep breath and turned to look at him sitting at the table. "I know you don't want to talk about it Neil but we have to at some point, OK?" she said, timidly. "There's no time like the present!"

"What?" Neil said sharply, looking at her.

"The big fucking elephant in the room! The fact that you collapsed last week and the doctors thought you'd had a stroke and there don't seem to be any answers!" she said sternly.

Neil tutted, exhaled loudly and shook his head as he looked down at the table. "Nah!" he hissed. "What is there to talk about?" he shrugged and laughed dismissively.

"A stroke, Neil! A stroke!" she exclaimed.

"You don't have to keep saying it, Saoirse, it happened to me!" he snapped, looking up at her.

"Only a few of weeks ago we were away on the surfing trip with the guys and Emma and now look!" she said. Saoirse felt her eyes well up with tears. "I know you prefer to keep things to yourself and I appreciate when you feel comfortable to share them with me. I'm not trying to force it, I just want to try and support you but I can't if you're behaving like everything's fine." she said quietly. "I don't know how you feel about it." Neil looked at her then turned to look out the window. Tears spilled down her cheeks. "I just can't stop thinking about how frightened you must've been, Neil." she sniffed and tried to wipe her tears with the back of her hand. Neil hummed and nodded slightly. Saoirse approched the table and waited but he didn't say anything else. "I don't know if you feel embarrassed cos it happened at work or...? I don't know..." she shrugged and touched his shoulder. Neil looked up at her. "Matt told me you were distressed and asking for me." she said quietly. Neil frowned and put his head down. "And I can't stop thinking about how... lucky... it was that you fell ill at work. What if it had happened when you were driving the car or out in the sea on your board or in the forest on your bike or even just here on your own?!" She sobbed.

"You sound like Deb and Matt." Neil said with a defeated snigger, shrugging her hand off his shoulder and folding his arms.

"Well we're all worried. It was so sudden and so serious." she said quietly, stepping back and leaning against the counter. "I noticed you hadn't been yourself for about a week before you collapsed though, did you feel unwell and just ignore it?" she asked softly, picking at her nails. Neil shook his head dismissively but Saoirse didn't believe him. "You're only 42, you're strong and fit and healthy. Your body is obviously trying to tell you..." she said.

"Argh! Don't start this shit, Saoirse!" Neil interrupted loudly, standing up and walking to the door. Saoirse stopped and shook her head at him, puzzled. "So this is just the perfect excuse for you to tell me to stop my sports, isn't it?" he said sharply, raising his voice. "Isn't it?"

Saoirse shook her head. "No! I've told you before, I don't want you to stop because it's what you love and what you've always done. But I'm concerned, I just think you should slow down a bit. What're you trying to prove? And to whom? Only yourself, Neil!" she said desperately. "Everyone who claps eyes on you can see you're fit and strong. Half the guys at work would give anything to be able to keep up with you, you intimidate them!"

Neil laughed dismissively. "Yeah whatever you say. Stop trying to fucking analyze me because there's nothing more to it. Why are you so concerned anyway?" he asked sternly. "What the fuck has it got to do with you?" he shouted.

"Because I love you, because I care about you, because what happened was horrible, Neil. I was really fucking frightened!" she shouted, tears streaming down her face. "We're supposed to be there for each other. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish because I don't want you to die! OK?!" her voice cracked with anger. "You don't need to do everything with such risk and force! If you keep going like this you're going to do real damage that you can't undo. Are you trying to punish yourself?!" She shouted. He shrugged and shook his head. "You haven't really processed what happened the time you broke your neck and probably other things you've never told me. There are other ways to deal with all of that apart from doing all available high-risk sports." she said.

"Just leave it, Saoirse! Stop projecting all your own trauma responses and shit like that onto me. I don't need to fucking wallow in my own pity about it when I've got you to do it for me, do I?!" he shouted. "Oh let's sit and ruminate about something bad that happened years ago." he mocked. "It just keeps going round and round and you never get anywhere. I'd rather keep doing what I do than overthink every single thing I want to do and then fucking bottle it because it might be a bad idea." he shouted.

"That's not fair and you know it." Saoirse sobbed with a mixture of upset, frustration and anger. "Don't you dare use my experience against me! The way you're behaving is your own trauma response right there. You're a self- fulfilling prophecy." she shouted.