The One Where Everyone Finds Out

"Oh fuck off Saoirse, just fuck right off!" he shouted as he stormed out of the living room slamming the door and Saoirse heard his bedroom door slam.

Saoirse sat down on the sofa and sobbed, she couldn't stop shaking and she was conflicted. She knew she had touched a nerve because of the way Neil had reacted, the conversation had escalated so quickly and she wanted to comfort him but she also felt really hurt and betrayed that he had mocked her and used things she had confided in him against her. She wanted to leave but she also felt like she didn't want to leave him on his own overnight. She decided to stay. She sat for a couple of hours on the sofa just staring at the TV but not paying attention to what was on.

Eventually Neil came in, walked over to the sink and got a glass of water as if she wasn't there. He stood for what felt like an hour before he spoke. "Why do you always have to talk about everything? Like a post-mortem about what happened and why and how? Just let it go and move on." he said in a dismissive tone.

Saoirse didn't look round at him. "Before... when I didn't do that, I ended up having a mental breakdown and I nearly killed myself." she said flatly. She heard Neil shifting his body weight and sensed he felt uncomfortable with what she'd said but he didn't speak. "So now I find it helpful." she paused. "The same way you find doing sports that go from zero to possible death as quickly as possible helpful. But not talking about it or dealing with it leads to situations like this." she said quietly. Neil cleared his throat. "We're not going to agree on everything, we obviously don't agree on how the other deals with this sort of shit but it's so serious that we need to figure it out." she said firmly. "Avoiding it is not helpful for either of us." She heard movement behind her and then the door closing as Neil left the room again.

Saoirse couldn't bear to sleep in Neil's bed with him and she knew he didn't want her to either because he didn't come looking for her the way he usually would so she lay awake on the sofa most of the night. As soon as it was a reasonable time to get up in the morning, she showered, dressed and made Neil a cup of tea. She tiptoed quietly in to his room and left the cup on the side. Neil stirred. "I'm going to work now, do you need anything before I go?" she asked. Neil just looked at her. "I'll take that as a 'no'...I'll text you later." she said. She found it almost impossible to concentrate at work, even more so when her lunchtime text to Neil was returned as undeliverable. She tried to phone but it went straight to voice-mail. She left a message but by home time still had no response. She decided not to go to Neil's after work, he obviously didn't want to speak to her and instead she went home to her own flat. She was restless and upset. She felt sick, she couldn't sleep and she pushed herself to get up for work for the next couple of days.

On Thursday morning Matt came in to Saoirse's office to use the printer just as Saoirse was printing. "Well, how's the patient?" he asked with a chuckle.

Saoirse shrugged. "I was hoping you could tell me." she said quietly. Matt frowned. "He has blocked my number and either blocked me or deleted his social media accounts." she said, her voice trembling. "I haven't seen or heard from him in 2 days." she whispered.

Matt looked angry. "Come in to my office." he said quietly. Saoirse shook her head and refused. "I'm not getting at you, I want to talk to you in private." he said, looking around at her colleagues. Saoirse followed him into his office. "Sit down and tell me what's happened." he said, firmly.

Saoirse felt embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Matt! I know you said you didn't want any relationship drama and this is going on and now the whole building knows." she said quickly.

"No, forget all that." Matt shook his head. "Just tell me." he said, firmly.

Saoirse took a deep breath. "Basically he was avoiding talking about what happened to him and when I kinda forced the issue we ended up having an argument, like a full-on shouting match. Our first proper argument... except it's about something really serious and he kept saying there was nothing to talk about. Then he said quite hurtful things to me because he doesn't understand or agree with why I need to talk about everything. Then he ignored me all night and now he's blocked me or whatever, like some stroppy teenager." she said.

Matt stared at her. "He needs to get a grip, he sent me a text yesterday saying he was recovering well, you were looking after him and he could be back at work next week!" Matt said. Saoirse looked alarmed and shook her head. "I know! He thinks he's the bionic man and he's not!" Matt said angrily.

"He doesn't need everyone being angry with him now and I know there's a really bad combination of him falling ill, falling ill at work and maybe being embarrassed about it," she shrugged. "everyone at work finding out about us BECAUSE he took ill, and then having to deal with being ill." she said. "But I just don't know what..." she shrugged as her words tailed off.

"I think you're giving him a little bit more credit than he's due there but yeah." Matt nodded. "I was going to ask you to have a word with him about saying he could be back at work next week but it seems he sabotaged himself with that too."

Saoirse shrugged. "I was thinking of texting Deb, his sister, to see what was happening and what I should do."

Matt hummed in agreement. "That's the best thing to do. I'm here if you need a listening ear. Don't worry, we'll get there!" Matt reassured her. Saoirse gave him a grateful smile and got up to leave. "Honestly Saoirse, the way he reacted when it happened...the only person he wanted to see was you. He really does care for you, I would go so far as to say he loves you. He's just struggling with the right way to show it at the minute. Us men, eh?" Matt said sincerely with a laugh.

At lunchtime Saoirse sent a text to Deb with a vague explanation of what had happened. Deb replied later and she was livid. She apologized and explained she'd spoken to Neil but that he and Saoirse should have some space.

Saoirse tried to get on with work and the next week came and went with no word from Neil and no sign of him at work. She daren't ask Matt and he didn't offer any information. The following Tuesday Saoirse was standing in the kitchen in work with Evelyn, heating up her lunch. As they were talking, she heard footsteps in the corridor and then Neil was standing at the door. "Welcome back!" Evelyn said. Neil thanked her and went to walk past when he noticed Saoirse in the corner. He stepped back into the kitchen and hovered awkwardly on the threshold. "How are you? Are you alright?" Evelyn asked.

"I'm fine, yes. I just had a senior moment. My first senior moment!" he laughed nervously as he and Saoirse looked at each other. Saoirse didn't speak though she could see in his eyes he wanted to talk to her. She could see him trembling and he somehow looked even more weak and fail than he had done when she last saw him.

"Good to see you back, Neil!" Evelyn smiled as Neil walked out of the kitchen. "Are you alright?" She asked Saoirse. Saoirse shook her head. Evelyn's eyes widened "Has he still not spoken to you?" she asked, incredulously.

Saoirse shook her head and discreetly wiped tears from her eyes. "I didn't even know he was going to be here until I saw him there now." she whispered. Evelyn's face fell then she grit her teeth in anger. "It's not worth it, Eve. It'll get sorted out one way or another." Saoirse shrugged. Evelyn shook her head and muttered to herself.

After lunch, Saoirse was washing her dishes on her own in the kitchen when Neil appeared and stood beside her at the sink. "I wanted to..." he started.

"Not now please." Saoirse interrupted quietly, not looking at him.

"...talk to you about..." Neil continued.

"Not now, Neil!" Saoirse said in a firm low tone, glancing at him. He looked at her and smiled awkwardly. She could see him trembling. "Just because it suits you to talk to me now, doesn't mean it's OK with me." she said quietly but firmly. "We're at work. Not appropriate!" she said, glaring at him before leaving the kitchen. Saoirse managed the rest of the week by avoiding bumping into Neil as much as possible. He didn't text or call her and his social media was still blocked. She felt heartbroken and foolish which was compounded by the fact that everyone at work now knew about their relationship.

At home time on Friday, Saoirse locked her office and walked down the corridor to see Neil sitting waiting. He smiled awkwardly and stood up. "What are you still doing here?" she asked.

"Please can we talk?" he asked. He gave her a pleading look. Saoirse agreed and they went for dinner at a nearby restaurant. The atmosphere was tense and it wasn't until their food had arrived and they'd been eating for a few minutes that Neil spoke. "I think it's obvious to everyone that we've both had different reactions to what's been happening." Neil said, looking at her. Saoirse found it hard to meet his gaze and even when she did they both looked away. "I've handled everything in the way I needed to..." he shrugged and she looked to see his face in an awkward crease as he thought. "I'm sorry I shut you out and I'm sorry I was nasty and said things that hurt you." he said quietly, fidgeting in his seat. He glanced up at her but she sat with her head bowed, staring at her cutlery in her hands and trying not to cry.

She took a deep breath. "Thank you for apologising." she said softly. "I'm sorry I forced you to talk about it when you didn't want to. I was trying to understand how you felt but I should've listened to what you weren't saying instead." she said, finally meeting his gaze. Neil. hummed and smiled softly. "I don't really know where we stand now?" she asked, maintaining eye contact with him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, sounding panicked.

She frowned and shook her head at him. "Well, I haven't heard from you in 2 weeks. You blocked my number and blocked me from social media..." she said.

"I've unblocked your number now." he said quietly.

"Oh so that's alright then, is it?!" She sighed a laugh and made a face.

Neil shrugged awkwardly and shook his head. "I deactivated all my social media and all that cos I couldn't stand all the notifications. I just wanted to take a step back."

"I understand that. I totally get it, OK? I don't understand why you couldn't tell me that instead of getting on like a teenager and blocking me for 2 weeks." she said "Then you just show up at work like..." she shrugged. He looked at her and she sighed. "I'm on YOUR side, we're supposed to face things together." she said, looking at him. "You're the one who said that to me in the car that night I told you about my gynae surgery. How is this any different to that?" she asked.

He was silent for a moment while he thought. "It's not." He said blankly as he shook his head and looked at the table. They were silent for a moment. "I felt like you were pushing to talk about it and everyone was trying to have a go because I wasn't talking about it..." he sighed. "I still don't want to talk about it, I don't know how I feel and I'd rather deal with it in my own way." he said, getting irritated.

Saoirse frowned and nodded. "That's OK, I'm sorry. I'll not ask you any more." she said quietly. "If or when you change your mind," she held out her hand.

"Thanks, Saoirse." he interrupted. Saoirse stopped talking and nodded.

"I still don't know where we stand though." she said with an embarrassed smile. He looked at her and tipped his head inviting her to contine. "Do you not want to be with me anymore? Is this us over and done with?" she shook her head and shrugged.

"NO! Of course not!" he said urgently. Then he hesitated. "... not from my side. Unless that's how you feel?" he asked, looking at her cautiously.

She shook her head. "No but Neil, you acted like I never existed. Then it turned out you lied to Matt and Deb about it. What am I supposed to think?" she asked.

"I know, I'm sorry. The anxiety was getting the better of me and I was stuck in the house." he said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, really. I know that's horrible. But Muggins here had to go to work, deal with the fallout of everyone finding out about us and knowing you were ill, and pretending everything was fine when all the while you could've been dead for all I knew!" she said sharply.

"Harsh, Saoirse." he said. "And a bit dramatic." he chuckled nervously.

She pursed her lips. "Look Neil, I'm not trying to make this about me. I really want to support you. You've accepted and supported me and I thought we'd built a good level of trust." Saoirse said with a small shrug. "I don't know what you're going through and I know that even though we've both been in similar situations in the past, our experiences and outlook on them are very different but I like to think that's why we can help each other." she said with a heavy sigh.

Neil nodded and looked her in the eye but she could see his mind whirring. He was silent for a moment and she noticed his hands trembling slightly. He cleared his throat. "When you told me the reason why you talk about everything," he said quietly. He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, wringing them. "Honestly, I felt sick Saoirse." he said sincerely. He glanced up to see her looking at him. "I panicked what I would do without you, I realised how strongly I feel about you and then I thought I shouldn't be relying on other people. I just tried to get my head round everything." he said with an embarrassed smile. "You know I don't like to dwell on things, I just want to move on but I know deep down that that's how I ignore everything." he took a deep breath and sat back, looking at her. "Whereas you? You're all over it, every possibility - you'll examine it!" he said.

"I don't like doing it, I wish I could ignore it. It's not nice always thinking and going over and over..." she said.

"Whether you like it or not, you do it!" he interrupted loudly. "That's my point. You do it. That takes some balls." he said firmly. "I admire you for that, you don't hide away." he looked at her and she watched him, surprised by his words. "You're unapologetically real and honest. I mean sometimes, yeah, you overthink unnecessarily and I'm like..." he shook his head. "'Come on, no one else is thinking that much about that.'" he smirked. Saoirse pursed her lips and blushed. "What I wrongly said to you about going round and round and not getting anywhere..." he sighed, annoyed at himself. "What I failed to acknowledge or admit was that if you didn't get anywhere then you wouldn't have made it to now." he looked at her intently and Saoirse's eyes welled up with tears. "And I know you find it difficult and it troubles you. I'm sorry that I said that." he said with an apologetic look.

Saoirse swallowed hard, nodded and looked down trying to discretely wipe tears from her eyes. She couldn't speak. Neil reached across the table to hook her fingers in his.

"Maybe we just need to... try and... take a leaf out of each other's book..." he said slowly with an awkward but hopeful smile.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry for pushing you away when you were trying to help and I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said." he said.

Saoirse nodded and swallowed hard as she tried not to cry. The lump in her throat felt sharp. She looked up to see him gazing at her. "Thank you. I'm sorry too." she said with her voice breaking. Neil shook his head, indicating he didn't want her to apologise again. "No, really Neil. That's the most honest and the most...responsibility you haven't avoided with me." Neil nodded heavily once in response.

"I do really love you, Saoirse." Neil said softly, looking at her. "I don't want to imagine life without you." he smiled sincerely.

Saoirse smiled shyly, her cheeks flushed and she blinked tears away. "Same, I love you too." she said quietly.

Neil nodded. "Eat up before your dinner gets cold!" he said, letting go of her fingers and lifting his cutlery as if nothing had happened.

Saoirse laughed to herself but appreciated his momentary vulnerability. She knew everything would be alright and it was what her heart ached for, to be back in his embrace.