The Party

The card was your typical birthday greeting from a husband to a wife of many years. It told of his love for me and how his life has been made better because I had agreed to let him be my husband and every birthday since has been one more reason to celebrate.

The hand written part of the card is what tore my heart out. He explained how I had treated him the last two months and how he hoped it was turning 50 years old was the reason for my mistreatment. He had hoped the birthday party would smooth over the big 50 and we could recover and live out the rest of our lives together. But being served with divorce papers hit him with a new reality and he wasn't going to go down quietly. When I refused his calls he knew it was indeed over so he packed everything of his and decided to give me what ever I wanted in the divorce. However he would not allow me to have the cabin. That is where he was drawing the line. Since I never visited the cabin to begin with, he was going to fight to keep it from me.

That is where I would find him. The damn shack he calls a cabin. I never did like the place. Too far out from civilization and it smelled. Yeah I went with him occasionally to spend a couple days, but that was years ago. Only Michael and my son in laws used it now for fishing trips.

We packed everyone up in two cars and took off for the cabin. It was only a two hour trip, but it felt like it was taking an eternity to get there. I prayed that Michael would at least talk to me when we got there. Our daughters being there would force him to talk. He could never deny them anything.

With every mile I replayed the last two months in my head and I hated what I saw. How could that man still love me after all I put him through? I don't think I could be so forgiving if he did to me what I did to him.

Michael

When it comes down to it, I'm nothing but a coward. My thumb tightened against the trigger several times, but I couldn't go through with it. Maybe some liquid courage. I knew there was nothing in the cabin so I drove into town. The convenience store had a limited selection of whiskey, but it really didn't matter whether it tasted good or not. I just needed a little help to pulling trigger.

Every swallow reminded me why I never drank the hard stuff. It just tastes awful, but after my tongue went numb it wasn't too bad. It wasn't long before I started to feel the alcohol take the pain away. Hell if a little whiskey took the pain away maybe more whiskey will take it all away. A few more tips of the bottle started to make me feel sleepy. I figured a few more drinks I would have enough courage to pull the trigger. I imagined the hangover would hurt like hell if I was still alive come morning but since that was unlikely, I kept drinking.

Sandy

Jenna's husband knew the way to the cabin better than anyone. Michael has let him and his friends use the cabin whenever they wanted for a few days of fishing. We turned off the main road onto the drive to the cabin. As we approached I noticed the place didn't look anything like it did when I was here last. It was no longer a shack. It looked like a vacation home. There were solar cells on the roof and a newer garage workshop off to the side. It was no longer over grown with weeds but instead had flower and vegetable gardens.

I asked William, Jenna's husband, when did Michael do all these changes because this place looks wonderful. He said that between himself, Haley's husband Brent, and his father in law, they've all been doing it little by little over the last few years and that Michael had set up a family trust so it goes to the girls upon his death so it would never leave the family.

It had been Michael's family's land since before we were married and he had every right to do with it as he seen fit. I felt even worse when I realized that the divorce papers even mentioned taking this from him. At least I know that no matter what, it would always stay in our family, even if I was no longer part of it.

Michael's SUV was parked in front of the cabin so at least we knew he was here. If he wasn't I knew he had decided to just disappear and I would have lost him forever.

William told me and the girls to stay in the cars while he and Brent went inside to make sure Michael was OK. I could tell from the look in their eyes that there was a possibility that Michael could've come up here to hurt himself. The thought of Michael doing anything like that shook me to my core. If Michael did come up here to die, I would lose my daughters as well. They would never forgive me for driving their father to do such a terrible thing. I said another prayer as I watched William and Brent walk up to the cabin.

There were no lights on inside and only a flood light off the garage was shining. William and Brent found the front door unlocked and I heard them call for Michael. They entered slowly turning on light in the front room. They continued to call for Michael but I could tell they did not get a reply. I seen light turn on in the back of the cabin and that is when I noticed a new wooden deck. It wasn't a minute later that Brent came off the deck and waived us out of the car and to come to the back of the cabin.

The look on his face was almost humorous so Michael had to be alright. I sprinted out of the car and what I saw was my husband passed out on a chase lounge with a half empty bottle of whiskey laying in his lap. I started to chuckle to myself until I realized why he was drinking. I walked over to him bringing my hand to his cheek when I noticed what was in his right hand.

I dropped to my knees and sobbed like a baby when I realized that Michael did come up here to die. The revolver was in the palm of his had with his thumb on the trigger which means he did intend to kill himself. William reached down and gently took the gun out of his hand. Jenna and Haley joined in with me crying when they realized how close they came to losing their father.

Michael didn't stir, even a little. Brent and William thought it best that they leave Michael where he was because more than likely he was going to projectile vomit whatever was in his stomach when he woke enough to do so. I told the kids to go inside and get situated for bed and bring down a couple blankets. I was going to sleep out here with my husband so I could take care of him when he wake up.

My daughters wasn't too sure how their father would take seeing me so soon after filing for divorce, but I told them that I was the one who screwed up so I had to be the one to make it right.

As my family went to bed and I had time to sit outside with my husband, I prayed for a little guidance on how to make everything right. I asked for the strength to accept that I may have lost my husband because of my actions, but to please give him the peace he deserves. I thanked God for giving me Michael and how sorry I was for doubting my husband and if he would please give me another chance so I could make my husband love me again.

By now you'd think there were no more tears left to cry but there was. I reach over for Michael's hand and held it while I spoke to him. Telling him how much I really did love him and that I was so sorry for ruining all the hard work he put into my birthday party. I asked him to forgive me and to please give me another chance. I found myself kneeling beside him with my head in his lap continuing my prayers hoping it wasn't too late.

I caught a movement inside the patio doors and seen my daughters watching me. They both had tears falling down their cheeks and smiles on their faces. I think it was then they forgave me for what I had done and knew they would do what they could to get their father and I back together.

After they went back upstairs I laid back on the lounge beside Michael. Looking up at the night sky I realized how wondrous it really was out here. I've never seen so many stars and the quietness was very calming. Now I knew why Michael liked this place so much. I wondered why I didn't see this place for what it could be instead of what it was. Not until Michael spoke to me did I realize I was still speaking out loud. The shock of his voice and him looking at me made me jump.

Michael

What the hell did I do? Why am I not dead? SON OF A BITCH! I passed out. I can't even kill myself right. And who in the hell is crying in my lap? Why the fuck is she here? Enough fucking questions...Oh fuck does my head hurt and my stomach. It hurts too much to fucking move and if I do I'll vomit and I hate vomiting. Lay still asshole, just lay fucking still I keep telling myself.

While laying there I listen to Sandy cry. She keeps talking about how sorry she is and how she hopes for a second chance and that I will forgive her for being such a bitch and filing for divorce. She is so sorry for hurting me so much that I would consider killing myself and that no matter what happened she will never forgive herself for what she had done.

This went on for a long time until it seemed she finally calmed down enough to stop crying. I felt her raise from my lap and lay down in the lounge beside me, but she kept hold of my hand. This whole time I was still fighting an internal battle with my head and stomach, but was more interested in how things were going to go with Sandy. I still loved the bitch even after all she had done. You can't turn off over 25 years of love like that over night. If I could I wouldn't have put a gun to my head earlier.

She was quiet for some time but I continued to listen. If she came upon any revelation while sitting here on this deck I didn't want to miss it. This place has a special serenity to it; the type that you can only feel at night when you open yourself up to it.

She must not have realized she was still speaking out loud. I've done the same several times. It's like you're talking to God, like he is there with you helping you along the path not yet chosen. As she described what she was feeling and seeing as she looked up into the night sky I could feel it along with her. We had that connection throughout our marriage, but recently it just wasn't there. When Sandy calmly said, "Now I understand why you come up here Michael. It is beautifully quiet and calming. I do believe I could live here with and never regret a day, but only if it is with you."

I quietly replied, "I want that too, but you're divorcing me."

Sandy

I nearly jump out of my skin when I heard Michael speak to me. I assumed he was still passed out drunk. His words were barely out of his mouth when I threw myself onto his lap hugging him so tightly sobbing like a little girl who lost her Barbie Doll.

My apologies and requests for forgiveness started all over. However seconds later he told me to get off of his lap. At first I thought he was rejecting me and I refused to let him go, that I would never let him go if he gave me another chance. Instead he warned me he was going to be sick and that I had better move or wear whatever was in his stomach.

I barely started to move when he pushed me out of the way. He sprinted off the deck and emptied his stomach in the flower garden. Poor Michael couldn't stop throwing up. His groans were so loud he woke up the rest of the family. When they started laughing and making comments about Michael being a light weight drinker, I had to chastise them to make them stop. My daughters asked me why since he deserved it for drinking so much. I had to remind them why he was drinking in the first place and what he had in his hand when we found him.

The shock of remembering why we were there brought everyone back to reality. By this time Michael's heaves finally subsided and I knelt down along side him putting my arms around his body. My tears started again and so did my apologies. Next thing I knew Haley handed me a wet wash cloth, towel and a glass of water, "Come on Michael, let me help you clean up. Then you need to lay back down again. After you wake up we'll talk." He wiped his face and rinsed out his mouth.

My heart filled with joy when he stopped and looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me, always has and always will. However, he said he would not talk to me until the divorce was stopped and I swore on my soul that I believed he did not have an affair with Rachel and had never cheated on me. There would absolutely be no discussion until I agreed to those terms. If not, leave now and never return.

I agreed instantly and told him I am sorry for accusing him of having an affair and that I know he did not have an affair with Rachel and I had already apologized to her. Looking him in the eyes I swore I know in my heart that he has never cheated on me and never would. When I told him I stopped the divorce before I got out of the hospital he looked at me with worry.

Michael

No one will ever have to tell me again about the dangers of drinking hard liquor, especially the cheap stuff. I'm not sure I'll ever get the the taste of partially digested whiskey out of my mouth. The flower garden will surely die by morning.

When Sandy knelt down beside me and wrapped her arms around me, just like she had done in the past when I was sick, it felt right. I knew I would always love her, but I could not stay with her if she believed I was a cheater. I have my pride you know. It would be best to let her go and let her find a man she felt she could trust.

From listening to her when she thought I was still asleep, I knew she has had a change of heart because of her non stop apologies and crying. But the hurt was still with me and I have to admit a good amount of the anger. That was probably the reason when Sandy asked that we talk I gave her ultimatums. She was and is the party responsible for the situation we find ourselves in. I'm the victim and have been for the last two months so I have no intention on forgetting everything like it never happened. The fucking bitch served me with divorce papers!

Breath! Deep breaths! Slowly. If I didn't calm down I was going to visit the flower garden again.

However, when she said she was in the hospital I instantly became worried. I may be pissed off at her, but I still love her. When I looked into her eyes I saw the woman I deeply loved. Her eyes did not deceive her and I knew she still felt the same for me.

She wouldn't go into details but said she was OK and there was nothing to worry about and that we would talk about everything after I wake up. Not wanting to argue and start up my stomach again, I laid back down on the chaise lounge while she placed the blanket over me and took her place along side me.

When I woke up again it was just after day break and I could hear movement in the kitchen. Obviously the women were making breakfast using every pot and pan we had. It sounded more like God was bowling and getting a strike every damn time! Oh fuck, I'm never drinking whiskey again!

Swinging my feet around the side of the lounge I noticed Sandy was no longer beside me. I felt a sense of loss just like I had all the previous nights since this all started. It's more than a comfortable feeling you have when you sleep with someone you love for over a quarter century. The feeling gets to be part of who you are, how you act, how you live and when Sandy became the she bitch from hell and I started sleeping on the easy chair instead, I woke up every morning feeling something was missing from my life.

When I packed everything of mine I fully expected to never feel the same again. It was more than just the loss of waking up without my wife. I drove away from my home feeling like I lost part of my soul. Of course I was angry, beyond pissed actually, but the pain was still there driven by her actions. It wasn't until I came up here to my quiet place and read what was inside the envelope that I was served did I felt utterly lost.

The woman I swore my soul to in front of our family, friends and God thought I was an adulterer, that I had taken another woman. In over 25 years there has never been another woman that could replace my Sandy. That she believed I was having an affair with Rachel or she did at the time, still hurts. It was that belief that I could do such a thing to her is what drove me to consider suicide.

Of course the hangover I was suffering made me wish I was dead but no such luck. Surprisingly I no longer felt like I had to vomit, but I wasn't overly confident my bowels were going to play nice. I raised up from the lounge and walked inside hoping the woman would stop talking so loud.

Sandy

After I got Michael to lay back down and got a blanket over him it didn't take long before he closed his eyes and went back to sleep. I watched him for a few minutes wondering how I could have ever doubted him. How did I become such a nasty bitch? The doctors said the hormone imbalance from Peri-menopause was to blame, but there was no way it was to blame for it all.

Turning 50 years old three days ago hit me hard. It has been on my mind for months. I know it is only a number and you are only as old as you feel, but still... I'm 50 years old! There is no way Michael is going to want to stay with a chunky old woman with wrinkles! My husband works out regularly and is lean and fit. I see women drooling over him constantly and it makes feel so insecure. Michael is my life and I worry that he will get tired of me and take up with some young big boob slut who will fuck his brains out. How can I compete against that?

I love my husband but just don't feel like having sex with him as often as he wants. The look of rejection on his face hurts me but what am I to do? I know a man needs sex, but I just don't have those feelings like I used to. When I do feel guilty and agree to let him have sex with me, it takes me forever to get into it and Michael thinks he doesn't "do it" for me anymore. It's not him, it's me!

So when Beverly told me about Michael sitting at a table in a hotel lounge with a beautiful young woman and how he has been coming home late recently, I figured he had finally grew tired of me and found my replacement. After Beverly showed me the picture she took of my husband and Rachel from her cell phone, I was convinced. I could see the admiration in her eyes. To my shame, I later found out it was her admiration she felt for a man who loved his wife enough to throw an elaborate party for her 50th birthday.

It was still dark outside and Michael was resting so I tried to calm myself by leaning back listening to my surroundings. Little stirrings began with insects chirping and birds singing their early morning songs. It truly is peaceful here. I guess growing up as a city girl I never gave this place a chance. Another regret I hope to overcome. That is if Michael will let me.

Sleep must've taken me again as well. Jenna woke me when she touched my shoulder and asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee. I nodded telling her I'll be just a minute. Michael was still sound asleep, but I knew he would wake up with one hell of a hangover and probably be grouchy as hell. I know we were gonna talk, but he had to be in the right mind to do so.

Jenna handed me a cup of hot coffee when I walked in and asked if I was doing OK. I told her I was better but was still very worried. Tears started to fall down my cheeks. Before I knew it both Jenna and Haley were beside me telling me that everything was gonna be alright. That they knew their daddy loved me too much to throw away a wonderful 25 year marriage and in he long run this was nothing but a bump in the road.

I chuckled at the thought but proclaimed this not a bump but more like a pot hole in an Ohio highway that never gets filled and it is of my own making. How could I make things right with Michael? What could I say or do to make him realize that I am so sorry for everything and I want to remain his wife, to grow old with him and die holding his hand. How am I going to do it?