The Party

Even though my daughters were holding me, my son in laws were still moving around the kitchen getting breakfast ready. Of course, being men they have the finesse of a water buffalo. The noise hurt my ears and I'm not suffering from a hangover. I could imagine what Michael would be feeling if he was not sleeping. That thought didn't even leave my head when I hear a dropped frying pan and a groan from behind us.

Michael

As soon as I walked in the back door some clumsy fucker dropped a frying pan. It had to have bounced 100 times before it was snatched up just to be dropped again. Like I haven't felt bad enough lately my loving family had to make my head implode. All I could do was cover my ears with my hands praying to the Gods to make it stop hurting. "Jesus Christ! Why are you people trying to kill me?"

My eyes were closed and my hands were still covering my ears, but I know damn well William and Brent started laughing. At least they quietly said, "Sorry dad." I told them to keep it down and try not waking up the billions of people in China with the next dropped frying pan while I take a shower. Also, leave me some coffee and I'd like to try eating something that wasn't burnt when I come back down.

Before I made it two steps Sandy was by my side looking at me like someone killed her puppy. The sadness in her eyes was so severe I started to develop some sympathy for her. If her eyes reflected even a portion of the pain she was feeling, then she must be teetering on the edge of a catastrophic collapse. I'll have to admit, her suffering even a little bit gave me a some satisfaction. Maybe just maybe, things might turn out after all, but she sure isn't going to get a free ride.

Sandy's eyes also displayed something else. Behind the pain I could see her begging for the slightest amount of hope that I still loved her. It was as if I rejected her right here right now it could hurt our relationship forever. Her body was so tense and rigid it seemed like a rubber band pulled too tight. If I wanted to, I could destroy not only a person, but her soul as well.

There was only one thing I could do.

I looked at her and opened my arms. Sandy threw herself into me grabbing me so tight I thought she might break a rib. Of course there was crying. I was still fighting a splitting headache and nausea so having her grab me like she did and crying so loudly that I had to begin thinking what did it feel like to sit on a mound of fire ants just so I wouldn't lose the battle against my stomach.

"Come on Sandy, let me clean up and try eating some breakfast. We'll talk after." She squeezed me a little tighter and nodded against my chest. Sandy kissed me softly on the lips and again apologized and told me she loved me, allowing me to go shower.

The shower and shave made me feel more human. Hell, I hadn't showered since I came up here several days ago. What was the point? I came up here to start a new life. A life without a bitchy wife so if I wanted to smell like a forest animal it was my God given right, right?

Clothes that were missing three days of body odor and vomit back splash was no doubt an improvement on the exterior and a little better on the interior. Mostly, if I was forced to admit to it, it was holding Sandy that made me feel good. But then again, holding my wife has always felt good.

As I came back down stairs I noticed my revolver was back in the gun cabinet hanging from its peg with the cylinder opened and empty. A slight pull on the glass doors showed I wasn't trusted just yet. It was locked and no doubt inaccessible by me any time soon. My son in laws were the only two who knew where I kept the key and it wasn't in its hiding place. With grand kids around the cabin, the guns were always secured. I guess I've been lowered to kid status after being found doing stupid with a weapon.

It felt like I was being watched. When I turned around everyone was looking at me with worried looks on their faces. Remembering what I considered earlier filled me with shame. If I was successful in killing myself, it would've devastated my children and grandchildren. At the time I figured my wife would have been happy to see me dead. With life insurance, I'm worth more dead than alive so she could've got her a new man without the trouble of getting a divorce while being wealthy. Her status would've been upgraded to that of sugar momma.

But now when I look at her, I see that it would have killed her also. Not being able to hold my liquor turned out to be a good thing after all.

I gave them all a slight smile telling I was sorry for thinking suicide was a way of getting rid of my pain and it will not be something I will ever consider again.

Sandy

When Michael walked over to the gun cabinet I panicked. I was about to jump on him when he pulled on the door handle but it did not open. Thank God for William for locking up the gun. By the time Michael turned all of us was watching him. His faced showed what appeared to be regret or even maybe shame for his attempt at ending his life. His apology was sincere and accepted by us all.

I pulled him into the kitchen and set him down at the table with a cup of coffee. Everyone was quiet afraid to say something wrong until the most forward one of the family, Haley our youngest, spoke up, "OK dad, what was the deal with you and the fucking gun?" So much for waiting till he had some coffee and breakfast.

Micheal

So much for having coffee and breakfast before the inquisition started. The anger that drove me here had pretty much left me. The immense pain of my wife believing I had cheated on her had dissipated some what but remained even though she now knows better.

"Since you all are my family I will tell you so there will be no doubt of my sincerity. When your mother served me with divorce I was just plain angry. I've been putting up with her bullshit for months getting knocked down, insulted, neglected emotionally and sexually while still trying to set up a birthday party that she would never forget in the hope it would make turning 50 a little less painful and bring a little happiness back into her life.

After I was served it told me she wanted me gone, so if she wanted me gone, I damn well was getting gone! Everything that is mine is in my trailer. My thought was fuck her! But after I got up here and opened the envelope from her lawyer and finally read that she was divorcing me because of adultery, well anger was replaced with absolute despair. After loving a woman for over 25 years, literally giving her my heart and soul, she believed I had cheated on her. It was like having your life, your existence taken away from you. I'm not perfect but I thought I was a good husband.

Knowing that the woman you vowed to love, honor, cherish and to forsake all others for, now believed I willingly and selfishly violated my sacred oath...well it killed me. Inside I died and the thought of being forced to live in a world with her thinking I could be such disgusting human being and would purposely hurt her like that was just too much for me to handle. Something inside me broke.

That is why I wanted to die. But I was just too weak to pull the trigger. I had the gun up to my head a few times but couldn't do it so I figured if I had a few drinks the alcohol it would help me be a man long enough to forget about what I was actually doing.

I knew your mother would eventually find someone new to be with. She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on and since I would be dead she could move on without regret or worry since I died an adulterer.

Instead I drank too much and...well you all know rest."

My family was there looking at me realizing how close they came to losing me. Even my son in laws had tears in their eyes.

Sandy was inconsolable. She had her head buried in her hands sobbing so hard she was shaking. I had made my feelings known all too well and it wasn't pretty, for anyone. Our daughters were wrapped around her trying to give her any emotional support they could. She was still fragile knowing she was responsible for the situation we were in.

Except for crying, it was fairly quiet in the kitchen. Not being able to take anymore drama, I got up poured myself a new cup of coffee and walked out onto the deck. It was a beautiful morning, peaceful and warm and I wanted to take advantage of any goodness I could get.

I was outside no more than a minute when I heard the door open and close.

Sandy

How could I have doubted this man? His reason for putting a gun to his head could not have made me feel any worse than I already did. It wasn't THAT I was divorcing him, but that I believed he had cheated on me was the reason why he didn't want to live any longer. I don't deserve this man's love. He has always been a better person than me in most ways. Loving our children has only been where I equaled him in any fashion. I prayed he would continue to be better and allow me another chance to try and be worthy of his love.

He walked outside no doubt to wrestle with his emotions. His confession had to have take an toll on him. While sitting in my chair I prayed to God that he would grant me the words that would convey the remorse I feel so that my husband may grant me his grace in accepting a broken woman back into his life.

My daughters knew what was on my mind. Jenna pulled me up out of my seat while Haley helped put my face back together. Both girls gave me a smile and told me to go outside and talk to their dad. I took in a deep breath and made the first steps into an unknown future.

Michael was still standing gazing toward the back of the property but looking at nothing in particular. The sun was just coming up and the light beamed through a break in the trees highlighting his figure. It was like I was being shown the way to redemption.

The light shown many more changes than I had first realized. Michael has really turned this land into a true vacation home. After spending the night out on the deck and seeing the improvements made, I understand why everyone liked it up here.

"Michael, can we talk?" He didn't say anything or make any motion that it was OK. I began to lose hope even before I had the chance to again beg for forgiveness. He turned around to me and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "Michael, why are your crying?"

His next words shocked me, "Sandy, please forgive me." Why in the world would he need to ask forgiveness? "You said earlier you were in the hospital and in that I have failed you. I should've been there for you so I'm asking you to forgive me."

After all I've done to him and he was sorry for not being there for me. My stay in the hospital was of my own making and I made that perfectly clear to him by explaining that all my actions the past couple months were a symptom of my refusal to accept the fact that I was growing older and the irrational (but true) belief that he would leave me for a younger woman who would give him the sex he wanted.

When Blanche and Stan dragged me to the party I was forced to accept how terribly wrong I really was. It overwhelmed me to the point of an emotional breakdown. Further, I went on to explain the hormone imbalance and the need for medication. Again I apologized for my actions and begged forgiveness and a second chance to remain his wife, willing to suffer any indignity just as long as he would hold me again and never let go.

During all of my confession his eyes never stopped showing the same concern that he had shown since before our wedding day. The love this man has to give is immense and I refused it for a short time, but never ever again.

Tears fell and my head hung low. His hand reached under my chin and he raised my face to meet his. His thumb wiped the tears from my face and he pulled me into his chest wrapping his arms around me.

Michael

I listened to Sandy tell me how hard it was for her to turn 50 years old, the feelings of inadequacy and her expectations of being abandoned by me. This was not a made up story. The emotions released with every word proved she told the truth.

Thank God her hospital stay proved to be nothing serious, but at least it found a problem that could be controlled with medication.

Sandy was truly remorseful and was trying her best to make up. The big question I had to ask myself is do I think we could get past this and do I even want to try?

There is not one part of our wedding vows less important than the other. For better for worse was now a vow I had to keep. "Where do we go from here Sandy? Are you willing to give a formerly suicidal temporarily insane light weight drinker husband a second chance?"

Sandy

"Oh God yes! Yes, yes more than anything in in the world yes! As long as you are willing to give a former temporarily insane hormonal imbalanced 50 year old wife a second chance?"

When Michael agreed to give me another chance it felt like the world was new again. We were quickly surrounded by our kids engaged in a group hug. Of course they were listening in to our conversation and wanted to join in on the start of our recovery.

We spent several days at the cabin talking and interacting as a family like we had always done, except for me the time spent at the cabin was a wonderful adventure. Why I never gave this place a chance in the past is a mistake I am very glad to have fixed. I asked Michael and the girls if we could come up here more often which they readily agreed to.

Michael and I did make the cabin more of a retirement home in our later years. The nights sitting outside on the deck quietly holding Michael's hand were the nights I remember most.

Michael

It's hard to believe that it's been one year since Sandy and I began another phase of our marriage. It wasn't all shit and giggles getting past...well...everything but we have made it. Sandy's medication helped her feel better, but a general change in life style that included a healthier diet and exercise program helped her self esteem by losing the baby fat she's held onto since Haley's birth 22 years ago.

Sandy's improved body and new sense of self presented new problems for me. Sex, sex and more sex. I don't know where this monster cock thing came from that Sandy keeps talking about. I'm no bigger than any other freakish porn star. Now all that woman wants to do is romp constantly. My God, I'm only one man! Some days we never get out of bed. Medication for her hormones and a little blue pill for me did prove that you can achieve better living through chemistry.

Physical love was only one change that came about after our stay at the cabin. We began some counseling sessions to help keep us centered. My family is still terribly shaken by my thoughts of suicide and I agreed it was wrong of me to do so. They all kept a close eye on me for some time until the counselor assured them it was a culmination of events that drove me to the point of wanting to use my revolver and ventilate my head.

For Sandy, the counseling helped her to accept that gravity will catch up with you. Sagging skin will take us all eventually, but how we live between now and then allows us to tell old age to pucker up and kiss our ass sacks!

I had one more surprise left for my wife and if I survived the ass kicking that was coming, we'd be OK. You see Rachel and I did hook up, but not in the way you think.

Sandy

It's hard to believe that Rachel and I became good friends after what I accused her of last year, but we did. Her compassion for accepting a person's faults was unlimited. I guess it goes hand in hand with the type of work she does. Being a party planner sets you up for dealing with all kinds of people, many of them unpleasant.

Rachel asked me to help her with an upcoming engagement. Listening to her describe her work and what she gets from giving people joy and time to forget about life for a while and just enjoy friends and family was fulfilling. So when she asked that I play hostess for an event I said yes. However I tried backing out of it when I was told it was same night of my birthday.

It had only been one year since everything went to hell and remembering what happened that night was still fresh in my mind. I'm sure Michael hasn't forgotten either, so I wanted to be with him. But he assured me he was fine for me to help out Rachel and that we would still have a birthday celebration with me after. He promised me he would pick me up from the event and we would go from there.

The little fuckers set me up!

Michael

Sandy did not get to enjoy her 50th birthday like she should have. It is a mile stone we all should celebrate and I was determined to give it to her even if it is one year late. That is the hook up I had with Rachel. We re-did everything from last year except we used a different hotel for the party. Rachel talked Sandy into being a hostess for her own party. She was hesitant because it was her birthday, but I was able to convince her we would celebrate after her duties as hostess were done.

Rachel was walking with Sandy running down the list of her duties as hostess actually telling her where to greet the people and how to bring them through the ball room entrance. Rachel was a detailed person so she walked Sandy through it step by step. The ball room entrance door was being manned by Rachel's husband which did not seem unusual to Sandy. However, not until he opened the doors and I was standing there with a shit eating grin on my face with a hundred people yelling "Happy Birthday Sandy" did she realize she was set up.

The Happy 50th Birthday banner was recycled from last year. The 50th had a line through it and our granddaughters scribbled a 51 beside it. Needless to say this party went off without a hitch and a good time was had by all. Everyone knew what had happened last year and were extremely supportive. You can tell how blessed you are by the quality of friends and family you have.

Sandy and I are very blessed.

The private after party party that Sandy and I had was very biblical with Sandy blessing me many times.

Here's to next year!