The Passenger

I knelt down, extended my hand and said, "Hello Ricky, I'm Mr. Harper. Is your mommy or daddy here?"

Before Ricky could answer, I heard a voice from my past, one I hadn't heard for a bit over six years. "What the hell are you doing here? What makes you think you can come waltzing into our son's life after you disappeared six years ago? What gives you the right?"

I stood up and there stood Alex. She was clearly angry, with so much color in her face she looked like she had a bad sunburn. She'd lost a bit of weight since I'd last seen her, but it made her even more attractive and even sexier than I remembered. I was once again reminded of what a mistake I'd made in taking Harry's phone call six years ago.

I looked at her and said, "Hello, Alex. Nice to see you again. I'm here with my daughter, Mattie. She and Ricky seem to be friends."

I certainly didn't see the slap coming. She nailed me across the face. "You bastard. Were you screwing her mother while you were screwing me? Is that why you disappeared? You are a real son-of-a-bitch." Needless to say, by now every pair of eyes in the room were firmly fixed on us. And then it hit me. She'd said, "Our son."

I could see she was winding up to slap me again, but I managed to grab her wrist and drag her out of the room. "Alex, you're upsetting the kids and the parents. Please calm down. I have no idea what you're talking about. It's obvious that we need to talk. But not here, not now. I came to see my daughter in the school performance. You're here for the same reason. I'll set up an appointment with you and come into the city to meet with you at your convenience. Just tell me when."

She was still livid, but at least she'd stopped swinging at me. "I don't work in the city anymore. After Ricky was born, I left the firm and came out here to be near mom and dad so they could help care for him. I'm the county solicitor now."

"That's even better. Here's my card. Call me and let me know when you can meet with me and I'll get Mike Sullivan to let me use one of his conference rooms. His offices are directly across the street from the courthouse. We can meet privately and you can explain to me what you meant by 'Our son.' I'll tell you about Mattie in return. Now let's go watch our children perform." And with that we walked back into the room and sat on opposite sides.

I wasn't sure she'd call, but the next morning, Beth, Mike's receptionist called me to tell me that Alex had reserved a room for 2:30 that afternoon, having used my name liberally in making the arrangement. Since I worked for Mike, no one seemed to be too concerned that the county solicitor wanted to meet with me. I told Beth I'd be there and hung up the phone. Then I began to create a list of questions and an outline of what I wanted to disclose to Alex about Mattie.

Alex arrived promptly at 2:30. Beth showed her into the conference room, then closed the door behind her as she entered. She sat across the table from me, looking angrily at me, but not saying a word. I gave her several minutes, then said, "Alright Alex, what's going on? You called Ricky, 'Our son.' What did you mean by that?"

"You really don't know, do you? That afternoon at the B&B before dinner, you and I went at it like two sex-crazed teenagers. Apparently the medicine I'd taken to make sure I felt better for our weekend interfered with my birth control. You got me pregnant. I didn't figure it out for almost six weeks, until after I missed my second period. I was so pissed at you that I wasn't going to tell you. My mother wanted me to keep it a secret from you. She didn't think you were father material anyway and your work habits meant you'd never be more than an absentee father in any case. My dad had a different perspective. He thought you were entitled to know. By the time he finally talked me around, SunFiSys was sold and you'd vanished. I figured you'd run when you learned you were going to be a father. I didn't bother to look for you, since I didn't need your money to support Ricky and me. I did list you on the birth certificate, but only so Ricky would know who the bastard was who'd fathered him and run off. After Ricky was born, I realized that I couldn't raise him and work the kind of hours I was working at the firm. So when the solicitor's job opened up, I applied for it. Our firm has a lot of political pull out here and the commissioners hired me. I've been solicitor for almost four years."

Alex continued, "I never dreamed you were seeing another woman and had gotten her pregnant as well. You really are a prick. How did I miss discovering that in the year and a half we were together?"

I'd sat through this entire diatribe without exploding, although I was getting close. I pulled out my wallet, took a ten dollar bill out and handed it to Alex. Taking a deep breath, I began, "I want to hire you as my attorney before I tell you Mattie's and my story. This has to be subject to attorney-client privilege, or I can't tell you how I came to have Mattie. I promise you it wasn't illegal, but there are some gray areas I don't want anyone exploring. Can you accept those terms?"

Alex took the ten dollars and nodded her acceptance.

"After you ended our relationship, I was shattered. Then two months later, SunFiSys was sold. I was out of a job and couldn't work in the telecommunications industry for a year. The only cell phone I had belonged to the company and I turned it in without taking over the number. I had more money than I'd ever need, no girlfriend, few real friends, and no family. I decided to take a trip similar to the one my parents and I took when I was fourteen. I bought a motor home, sold the townhouse and hit the road. I planned to spend nine months seeing the country, then come back and look for a new job. The RV died when I was in western Pennsylvania. I ended up spending two weeks there. While there, I got friendly with Mel and Sharon, a couple that owned a small diner I ate in every day. They had a girl who waitressed for them part-time who'd just come out of foster care. Her name was Kelly. Her former foster parents were letting her live with them. Her foster father forced himself on her and got her pregnant and then beat her up when she wouldn't abort the baby. She wanted to go to Washington to live with a former high school friend who was married to a soldier stationed out there. We took four months to get out there. By the time we got there, her friend's husband had been transferred to Germany, so Kelly stayed on the trip with me. We got as far as San Diego before she had Mattie. She died the next day."

I paused for a minute to gather myself. "During our travels, Kelly became like a daughter to me. We never slept together. I expected to bring her and the baby back here and have them live with me while Kelly went to nursing school. I know it sounds unreal, but Kelly and Mattie were going to be the family I never had. Before she died, Kelly had filled out the forms recording the birth. She named me as the father. Once she died, the hospital released Mattie to me, since they thought she was mine. I've been raising her ever since."

Alex started to say something, but I raised my hand to stop her. "I never knew about Ricky. Not even a hint. When Mattie told me she had a special friend, she didn't know his last name. I expected to meet his parents at one of the kindergarten functions, at which time I'd get their contact information so we could arrange play dates and such. I never in a million years dreamed that he was yours and not in a billion years would I have considered the possibility that he was mine. I'd like to be part of his life, even if it's just as a nice man who pays attention to him. Do you think we can work that out?"

Alex grimaced. "I don't know. He doesn't seem to miss having a dad, with my father around, and I don't want to upset him or have him asking questions I can't answer. I'll have to think about it."

Then she continued. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"No. I haven't had a date since we broke up. I stupidly lost the woman I wanted to spend my life with and I haven't had either the inclination or an incentive to try to find a replacement.' At this statement, Alex winced bit. I continued, "How about you?"

"There hasn't been anyone since you. With Ricky and my job, I haven't had the time or the energy to do it again. My last relationship ended so badly I'm not really interested in being hurt again."

Well, we'd both laid our cards out on the table. I still had feelings for her; she apparently was over me, or maybe over men completely. Damn! Damn! Damn!

Before she left, I asked Alex for her contact information. "Regardless of our past history, our kids are friends and will want to get together. Can we be civilized enough to let them do that without yelling at each other?"

She asked for my number, then dialed my phone. I gave her my address and email address and she did the same for me. Then she stood up and said, "I need to get back to work. I'll think about letting you into Ricky's life in some capacity other than Mattie's dad, but I'm not making any promises." And with that, she turned and walked out the door.

Alex and I worked out an arrangement that gave Mattie and Ricky one play date together each week. We alternated between having the kids play at her parents' house and their playing at mine. When I dropped Mattie off or picked her up, her dad usually was willing to spend a few minutes chatting. If her mom answered the door, she was cold and couldn't wait to get rid of me. Alex usually picked Ricky up from my place. She never accepted an invitation to come in and talk, just hustled him out the door as soon as he appeared.

The whole play date arrangement was expressly conditioned on my being nothing more than Mattie's dad to Ricky. Alex made clear that one word about our prior relationship or my real role in Ricky's creation would end my opportunity to see him and I'd have to sue to get visitation rights. With her connections to the county's judiciary, she made clear that the process would be long, involved, painful and expensive. I agreed to her terms, because it let me see my son.

The arrangement worked well for the rest of the school year. As we approached summer, I decided to join one of the local swim clubs to allow Mattie to take swimming lessons. Mattie wanted Ricky to take lessons with her, so I asked Alex if she'd mind if I listed Ricky on the membership as well. That way I could bring him to the lessons and he could stay at the pool with Mattie. Alex hemmed and hawed for a while, then finally agreed, but limited Ricky's days at the pool to no more than the three days a week lessons were scheduled. I was over the moon at the additional time I could spend with him.

Like many RV owners, I was a summer weekend camper. From the time we first got settled into our home, Mattie and I would jump in the RV on a Friday afternoon, drive to a campground and spend the weekend walking, fishing, swimming and canoeing, depending on the amenities offered. This summer was no different, except that after the first trip, Mattie wanted Ricky to go with us. I was fairly sure that would generate a vigorous objection from Alex, so I didn't even ask. But, bless her heart, Mattie just had no such compunctions.

The next time Ricky was at our house, Mattie greeted Alex at the door. "Hi, Ms. Morgan. We're going camping this weekend. Can Ricky come with us? Please, please, please!!"

I got the look from Alex that told me she was not pleased. "Mattie," I said, "why don't you and Ricky go outside for a few minutes while I talk to Ricky's mom." They left and I waited for the explosion. It came almost immediately.

"Did you put her up to asking?"

"No. She's been wanting to take Ricky camping since we started this summer."

"This wasn't part of our deal. I didn't agree to overnights and I'm certainly not enthused about an overnight somewhere other than your home."

"If you're so concerned, you can come with us. The RV sleeps five in three separate beds. I can give you the master bed, put the kids on the fold down bed and I'll sleep in the overhang."

"I'm not spending a weekend with you. That ship sailed over six years ago."

"Look Alex, I want Ricky to be able to experience some of the things Mattie enjoys. I've been scrupulous about limiting my role in his life. This will give him a chance to experience canoeing and fishing, something he can do as Mattie's friend. Please, let me give him this weekend."

She hesitated a while longer, and then finally, grudgingly, said Ricky could go.

We had a blast. Ricky and Mattie spent hours swimming, had fun in the canoe with me paddling, caught lots of fish (all of which we threw back), and chowed down on hot dogs and hamburgers cooked over the campfire. By the time we finished the trip, Ricky was hooked on camping.

Alex allowed me to take him camping twice more that summer. Each time I dropped him off, he'd go running into the house talking a mile a minute about how much fun he had. In spite of herself, I think Alex was beginning to see that I could be good for Ricky.

We took one final trip that summer, just before school started. I'd wanted to take Mattie to Dutch Wonderland, an amusement park with lots of rides for younger children in Lancaster County. Mattie and Ricky had a ball and I did as well. Ricky and I had bonded over the summer in a way I'd never thought would be possible. He wasn't thinking of me as his father, but he did think I was a special person. It wasn't all I wanted, but it was progress.

I still hadn't been able to get so much as a crack in the wall Alex had formed around herself. No matter how hard I tried, she just refused to engage with me. I was beginning to think that it would never happen and that maybe, finally, it was time to move on. Then, of all people, her mother caused a breach in Alex's defenses that let me penetrate them.

I didn't follow local politics and rarely read the local paper, so I was surprised when Mike told me that county government was in an uproar and Alex was working incredible hours to deal with the issues. There were several things going on. First, there had been two unexplained deaths at the county jail, resulting in a serious investigation by the state and a pair of lawsuits from heavy duty plaintiffs law firms. Then, almost immediately after those suits were filed, three women had filed suits claiming sexual harassment by one of the county commissioners. And to add to the fun, that same commissioner and the county's director of facilities were under investigation by the U.S. Attorney's office in connection with an alleged bid-rigging scheme going back several years. The U.S. Attorney had subpoenaed thousands of documents and Alex and her staff were scrambling to respond to the subpoenas. The whole solicitor's office was working twelve hour days. That explained why Alex's dad had picked Ricky up the last two times he had been with Mattie and me and why I was dropping him off at his grandparents' house instead of Alex's.

Then came the straw that broke the camel's back. Alex's mom had not been feeling well and had finally agreed to go to see a doctor. The diagnosis was cancer, stage 3. The prognosis was guarded. Mrs. Morgan would need surgery, extensive chemotherapy and radiation, and would not be able to care for Ricky for months, if she recovered. Neither Alex nor her parents had shared any of this with me. I learned it from Ricky.

Shortly after Ricky's grandfather dropped him off to play with Mattie, Ricky came to me. "Mr. Harper, Grandmom's really sick. She's in the hospital. Grandpop was crying and so was mommy. I'm scared. I don't want anything bad to happen to Grandmom. Can you make her better?"

I told Ricky I would try to do all I could to make his grandmother better. He seemed to take that to heart and went off to play with Mattie. I waited until it was time for Alex to arrive to pick him up and made sure I answered the door when she rang the bell.

When I opened the door, I found a woman clearly on her last legs. Alex looked like hell - ten years older than she had a couple of weeks ago. She looked like the weight of the entire world was resting on her shoulders.

I pulled her in and sat her down on the sofa, then went into the kitchen and poured her a glass of her favorite wine. For once, she didn't even pretend to resist. Then I asked her to tell me what was going on.

Alex started to cry. "Mom has cancer. It's very advanced. They did surgery yesterday and she's starting on a series of chemo and radiation treatments that will last months. If she survives, and there's no guarantee she will, she's going to be sick for months and months. I don't know what to do. Daddy is helpless without her. I'm overwhelmed at work and the only thing keeping me afloat is that mom was caring for Ricky. I can't take care of her, daddy, Ricky and the job. There just isn't enough of me to go around."

With that, she began to sob uncontrollably. Not knowing what else to do, I gathered her into my lap, wrapped my arms around her, laid her head against my chest and let her sob. She literally cried herself to sleep in my arms, leaving me in a quandary. Alex clearly needed sleep, but she was at my house, not hers. After a few moment's thought, I picked her up and carried her into the extra bedroom. I pulled back the covers and laid her down on the bed. She barely stirred. I thought about leaving her clothed, then realized she'd be more comfortable without her work clothes. Besides, I'd seen everything before. I gently removed her pants, blouse and bra, then hung up her clothing in the closet and covered her with the sheets and blanket. I fetched my robe from my bedroom, laid it on the foot of the bed, turned out the lights and shut the door.

I still had to feed Ricky and Mattie and the next day was a school day. Spaghetti and a salad took care of the kids. After supper, they did their homework. I then bathed each of them, and put them to bed, putting Ricky in the second twin bed in Mattie's room. I kept spare clothes for Ricky in case he needed them when he was at the house, so I had something clean to send him to school in the next day.

I called Richard to find out how Meredith was doing and to tell him that Alex had crashed at my house and was sleeping in my guest room. I also assured him that I had taken care of Ricky and that I'd get him to school in the morning. As much as I hated to ask him to do anything while he was dealing with Meredith's illness, I requested he run by Alex's place and pick up a change of clothes and her travel toilet kit so she could wear something fresh tomorrow. He said he'd take care of that and that he wanted to talk to me about something when he stopped by. I told him that was fine.

Richard arrived about an hour later, Alex's clothes and toilet kit in hand. I took them from him and hung the clothes in the front closet and put the toilet kit in the guest bathroom. When I got back, Richard was sitting at my kitchen table, a beer in his hand. Given his last few days, I couldn't begrudge him raiding my refrigerator.

I sat down across from him. "You wanted to talk?"

"Matt, how long are you and my daughter going to keep this bullshit up?" I winced. In all the time I'd known him, I'd never heard Richard curse.

He went on. "I know you love my daughter, even after all she's put you through. I've seen how you look at her when you think she's not watching. I'm equally sure she still loves you, although she's afraid to admit it. She talks about you way too much for you to be just some part of her past that she's over. I know my daughter. She's hot-tempered and stubborn and that's a bad combination. She told us what she wrote to you the night she walked out of that B&B and I don't blame you a bit for taking her at her word. It was fucking stupid of her to have done that and even more goddamn stupid to have put the exclamation point to it by leaving the earrings. And it was stupider yet not to have more of an effort to find you once she knew she was pregnant. She's painted herself into a corner and her pride won't let her admit it. I so fucking tired of waiting for one of you to do the adult thing, I'm doing what I promised Meredith I'd never do. I'm interfering in my daughter's love life. I want my daughter to be happy, my grandson to have a father, and I want that little girl of yours to be my granddaughter. Meredith's cancer has brought home the fact that we don't have all the time in the world to wait while the two of you figure this out on your own, so I'm asking you to do something that maybe isn't right. I'm asking you to be the one who steps up, admits he made a mistake, and asks her to forgive him. Please, if not for your sake, for her sake, Ricky's sake and Mattie's sake. Be the bigger person here, even if you don't agree that you're the one at fault. Can you find it in your heart to do that?"