The Perfect Beginning Ch. 19

Donna laughed with nervous excitement.  How she longed for this! 

Oh my god, to do that to a man!

"Okay, okay, okay, I have to stop here.  I'm probably more happy to have this conversation with you than you are.  I'm getting so excited and happy, I'm mixing up a whole bunch of ideas.  Here we go," she took a deep breath. 

"So sometimes I do it to actually punish him.  I know that sounds bad, but don't feel sorry for him.  There are times when he just needs to learn!  And it's good for our relationship, trust me.  Things always run so much smoother when he knows how I want him to do things. 

"I'd much rather spank him than be mad at him.  I never go to bed angry.  And who wants to be angry? 

"There is absolutely nothing playful about it.  It's real discipline and real punishment.  It does not damage him, but it hurts him.  It would not be punishment if it did not hurt.  I don't want to have to tell him to do something...or not do something and he continue to disappoint me."

"I don't judge...at all.  To the contrary, I think I understand.  I sometimes wonder how things might have turned out with your father...  Anyway, please, go on."

"Remember the time I caught him with all the icky masturbation stuff?  Don't you think he needed to be punished?  Imagine if your boyfriend was cheating on you like that!  Or what if you asked him to clean the house and he didn't?"

Donna really liked how her daughter just saw it as a man's place to be a domestic support partner.  Having her man clean the house like the classic wife was the most reasonable expectation her daughter could have of her man.  It was delightful. 

She's so modern!  I had a hard time getting David to just take out the garbage. 

"Like I said, I'm pretty sure I understand.  In fact, I think, at least in the moment, a lot of women would feel the same way."

"I think that at certain times, and in certain ways, they can be just like little boys!"

"I totally agree!" 

Little boys who need their Mommy!

Michele took unexpected comfort and strength from her mother's obvious approval. 

"So when he behaves badly, I punish him for real.  This does not happen all that often because Tim knows what I expect of him and he's mostly a good boy and that's because I am a naturally stern and strict disciplinarian.

"But that just proves my methods work!" she smiled proudly.  "He probably does not get more than two punishment spankings a month and sometimes none at all. 

"Like with all expectations, it comes with a lot of responsibility in that I really have to help him understand my expectations." 

Michele could not hide her pleasure. "Although I might be mad when I spank him, I try never to do it when I'm like real mad.  I don't want to lose control.  I've talked with Sister Ann a lot about this and she agrees that it's important for him to always see me as being in control of the situation...including myself. 

"And like I said, a lot of times, I just like to spank him.  We get so close from it!  Want to know a secret?"

"Of course.  Do tell," Donna prompted eagerly.

"Oh my god, you are going to think I'm so bad!"  Michele laughed.  "Sometimes when I'm really mad at him and I've got him bent over my knee, right where I want him...it's fun to be angry with him.  It's like the anger and the excitement mix together and it's such an intense rush.  I get this big angry smile on my face and my whole body gets flush.  I get so...hmmmm, I love it! 

"Oh my god, he gets so scared of me!  I LOVE his fear.  It feels sooooooo incredibly good!  Like I just want to consume it!"

"Oh my god, I love it too," Donna said dreamily.

Donna visualized her boy bottom up over her knee.  She was in a long, pretty, cotton dress while he was totally nude. 

It should be pretty, the whole ceremony. 

She looked down at his round, pert bottom.  She could see and feel both his fear and arousal and it stoked her greed.  Her skin was tight, her nipples hard and she felt her irritation for her boy mixing with and fueling her own sexual desire. 

"And sometimes I can be a little mean, Mom.  This is just between you and me.  I've not decided yet if I want to put this in the book.  Sometimes I give him a real bottom burning just because.  Sometimes I'm just in a mood. 

"I think that this is when other girls just get bitchy and snippy with the world.  Not me."  She smiled hugely at her mother. 

"I know, I know, I'm probably bad, I'm probably going to hell," she smiled again, "but I take it out on him...and even openly blame him for it.  Poor boy."  She smiled shyly at her mother. 

"On the other hand, it's at least partially his fault.  Part of his role in our relationship is to keep me in a good mood."  Once more smiling at her mother.  She knew how wildly unfair she sometimes was with Tim and absolutely relished her sense of elitist, entitlement.  

"And it's not mean in a bad way because it always comes back to us being in balance and in harmony with him beneath me. It really is a good thing."

"I think I get it. I mean, how bad can it be if it makes you two closer? It's what God wants, honey."

"Exactly the way I see it. Even when it's punishment, it's about love. My guidance keeps our relationship strong. And even though it's real discipline, Mother, it feels so wholesome and..." in her pause she locked eyes with her mother and with a hint of a smile twitching her lips, "it feels so good."

She could never tell her mother she came from punishing her boy but mother and daughter were very in tune with their in-audible and almost invisible lines of communication.

Donna fed off Michele's energy and wanted to take it further.  Donna wanted full validation.  "Does it excite you?  You know what I mean?"  It was all she could do to not use the word "arouse." And with this, Donna threw open the door.

"Oh my god, mom, you can't know!" 

Seeing how much her mother drank this all in, she felt a little badly for having said it the way she had.  She felt almost like she was flaunting it.  In a more moderate tone she repeated, "I'll never not have it in a relationship.  It is very important and central to our intimacy.  Let me be clear, Mother, it arouses me like nothing else in the world."

"Oh my god, I can just imagine!"

"You know I'm still a virgin, but we do it, I mean I spank him a lot before he takes care of me," Michele said with blushing cheeks.  

"As foreplay!" which was a simple statement of fact. 

This was exactly how Donna imagined it.  "I knew it!" she said excitedly.  This disclosure was exactly what Donna had been fishing for.  In her fantasy, spanking was intense sexual foreplay.  She was actually relieved of some measure of guilt and shame when her daughter validated her fantasy.

"It really gets me in the mood.  It's the ultimate.  Him too.  He loves it, Mom. 

"Not when it's punishment though. 

"When I give him a loving, play spanking, it's not as hard.  These are the spankings I give him, like all the time.  Oh, and when it is a play spanking, he gets soooooo amazingly docile and submissive!  It's incredible!  Really, for our relationship, like for bringing us closer together, it's just as important as anything he does to me...like after.  We are so connected during a spanking.  When I spank him, I feel like we are truly one with each other. 

This is about love and connection for us. It's more than foreplay. It is to us what loving intercourse is to any other loving couple. In this, we are as close and connected as we can possibly be."

Oh my God, that is so beautiful and loving! 

"How about when he's been naughty and you have to spank him as punishment, do you still get...you know, excited?"

"Yes...but it's different.  You never know, sometimes I get excited right away, like just announcing his punishment.  Sometimes it does not happen until I see him break and accept what is going happen.  Sometimes it does not happen until he starts crying."

"Oh my God, you make him cry?" asked with total astonishment.

"Oh yeah, mom!  God, totally!  Telling you all this makes me feel bad, but I absolutely love, love love making Tim cry!  Please don't think I'm bad."

"That's amazing, honey.  Really, you make him cry?" asked in total disbelief."

"Yes.  Seriously, I've turned him into a total crybaby...but like in a good way.  Since I stopped him from masturbating, he is a total crybaby.  Even though really, I've made him cry from the beginning. 

"Do you think I'm bad, Mom?"  In spite of all of her validations, Michele knew her mother's approval would always mean the world to her.

"Goodness no!  Don't even think that.  I am so proud of you, Michele!  So proud!  What you've accomplished with Tim just amazes me.  I just want to brag to the world about you!

"You make him cry? Well...I think that's just beautiful."

"Oh, Mom, thank you.  That means ...that really means so much to me."

"You were telling me about how it excites you..."

"Oh yeah.  His crying always gets me in the mood. Every single time. I guess it's just part of the emotional connection we feel when he's so emotionally broken and vulnerable. It's really so pretty. Like, he's an emotional mess and I just feel so composed and I know that in that moment, he feels complete respect for me and he is very in touch with what a little boy he is to me. Feels so good.

"Sometimes it is all business until the end and it's all over.  He is so contrite.  Sometimes it does not hit me until he is kneeling before me and with tears running down his face, he is asking me to please, please forgive him.  Like in a begging way.  I like that.  When I see how honestly sorry he is for upsetting me, and it's all over, and he's kissed my spanking hand, and I've forgiven him and I'm hugging him and telling him it's okay, then I get really, excited!  It's love making, Mom."

Oh my God, he kisses her spanking hand!  Oh my darling girl! 

"That is so beautiful, Michele."  Donna visualized it all and it stoked strong desire within her.  She wanted to be Tim's Mommy so badly, she nearly shook with need.

"Sometimes I give him kind of like reminder spankings.  I give him warm little play spankings all the time, but sometimes if it's been a little while since I've really punished him, I give him a good hard bottom warming.  It's sort of a 'Hey little boy, don't forget who wears the pants in this house,' kind of spanking.  You know...a reminder.  Sometimes when it's been a while since he's been over my knee for real, he starts to get big for his britches."

Donna reflected that every single man she'd ever been with seemed to be born too big for his britches.

"I hope you don't think I'm bad, but I just like showing him who's boss, who wears the pants and who wears the apron.  He gets really frightened and begs me not to.  I know I sound bad, but I totally feed off his fear, Mom."

"Stop, honey.  You've not said one single thing that I think is bad.  I know you are not really hurting him.  It's not like you leave him with injuries. To the contrary ... it sounds lovely.  And it is easy for me to imagine how this is helping him.  I certainly know how men can get. I love Tim and I know you have a lot to do with that because you have brought out the best in him."

"When I do it this way, like when I'm not mad to begin with, and I see his reaction and his fear, it always excites me.  I get more stern and bossy.  I love it!  It is such a power trip!

"And I have different personalities that come out when I discipline the boy. Like, there is this internal shift within me and I become. I'm not really becoming anything because I've always had that side of my personality to begin with, but I feel I'm shifting into another side of myself.

"Like I can feel like the stern, bossy, mature woman while at other times I feel like a fun loving, little girl getting to play with one of her dolls. Sometimes I feel like a strict teacher." She avoided the whole "Mother" facet of her personality as it was too close to home.

"I can be harsh, I can be aloof, I can giggle at his humiliation, I can enjoy a calm, smiling pleasure at his shame, I can laugh right in his face. Whatever the mood or the facet of my personality that I share, when I shift into it, I almost always notice how excited I am. Like these parts of who I am go with that feeling of excitement. It's kinda...neat."

"Goodness," she was taken aback by the direct honesty of it all. It was all so intimate and shared in such detail. And it validated everything she felt about herself and the emotions that sprung from he feelings about this newly discovered world that lived within herself.

"Exactly how do you spank him?  I mean, like do you just bend him over?  Do you just use your hand or what?"

Michele fully appreciated her mother's detailed questioning and knew she was hooked on the idea.  This was all as natural to her mother as it was for Michele.  She knew that her mother had just been raised the wrong way.  Michele was excited to know that her mother was changing.

"It all depends, Mom.  If I don't have a lot of time and I really need to teach Tim a lesson, I just put him over my knee and deliver a hard, fast spanking with my hairbrush.  I also have this wicked little paddle that I use too. 

"I almost always put him over my knee though.  It brings us closer.  Sometimes I use the 'diaper position, and I'm coming to really like the 'wheelbarrow'  Those are positions Sister Ann taught me and they're a lot of fun too.  The wheelbarrow is fun!  I adore diaper position but it takes practice." 

Michele gave her mother a quick description of the techniques.  "I like these positions because of the physical nature of each. I like the contact because I feel it keeps us closer in spirit, if that makes sense?"

"Yeah." Donna was out of breath just then.

"If I have all the time I want, I usually start with the hairbrush or the paddle and bring Tim to where I need him.  If it is just for fun, I bring him right to the edge of what he can handle.  If it is punishment, I push him past that with the paddle.  Then I like to switch to a hand spanking.  It's more intimate and I like that.  It's more juvenile which shames him more. 

"At this point, I can spank lightly and it still burns him.  It is fun hearing him whimper from little more than light smacks to his naughty bottom." 

Michele left out the humiliating way she spanked Tim when she made him cum.  She knew there would be time for that later.

"I've talked a lot with Krista about ceremony and the symbolism and how fundamental and essential it all is.  I did not start off with a plan, knowing what I know now, but we just kind of fell into something kind of profound.  Although it's all real...very, very real, there is also an element of role playing to it all. 

"We are taking a disciplinary technique used by parents with their children and turned it into so much more.  We have roles to play...but it's also not play.  It's weird Mom, because it really does reflect who we are on the inside.  When we do this, I'm the adult, parent and he is the child.  It's natural for us.  This fulfills me in so many ways."

Donna could only imagine.  She could all but feel the emotional calm and the spiritual connection to it all.  And Donna simply was not used to being so deeply aroused as she was just then.

"One thing I'd want you, or any woman to understand, is that it brings out the best in us as a couple, reaffirms our commitment to the relationship and really brings out the best in each of us as individuals. 

"I get to focus my intensity in a positive way and Tim gets to learn how to do what I want him to do.  We feel sooooooo connected to one another when we do this.  We each enjoy a sense of purpose for ourselves and we get this from our respective roles.  I always feel closer to Tim after a spanking. 

"And I've been able to use it to keep Tim from becoming that kind of guy we hate: a guy who is emotionally cold and totally arrogant.  You see, Tim's not really weak at all.  He can be a pretty strong personality in his own right.  When he is away from me, he can be a dominant personality.  And even around me, he sometimes tries to strut about in his big-boy pants.  And I let him...a little.  Within reason, I like this other part of him. 

"But what I really like, and don't think I'm too bad, is putting him in his place!  Putting him back in his place...beneath me, that kinda like keeps it fresh, if you know what I mean?  Oh my god, Mom, I love that!  Most of the time he knows how to behave, but sometimes it's like he forgets himself and tries to act like "the big man" in front of me. 

"Sometimes I think he does it on purpose just to test his boundaries.  At the wrong time, it can really anger me, but usually I just take it in stride and put him in his place by calmly but firmly putting him over my knee. I know my boy just needs me to make love to him.  He can be a little needy. 

"Oh my god, it is sooooo much power, Mom!  Goodbye cold arrogance and hello, committed, submissive, loving, little man!  I can't tell you how much I've come to love those qualities in a man, especially after a long day.  He's totally committed to me, he loves and adores me beyond measure and my big, strong man totally submits to little ol' me!  And it's soooooooooo much fun!"

"I think it's beautiful, honey."  She really was so proud of her daughter.

Up until now, Donna had mostly obsessed over the idea of spanking a man.  She knew it was the tip of the iceberg, she knew there was so much more to the relationship her daughter had and the kind of relationship she suspected she'd want for herself, but  was it all just too much to ask for?  She tried not to think it through because she did not really believe it was possible.  With Michele sharing it all so openly, she allowed herself a peek of what she really did want for herself.  It was breath taking.

"It does not really matter if it is for fun or for punishment: either way, there is an art to it.  I make it as shameful for him as I can.  This reenforces his sense of inferiority and that's essential. I simply won't allow him to view himself any other way. I absolutely love that part, his shame.  And from the bottom of my heart, I believe his shame and embarrassment are so essential to this beautiful ceremony. 

"The emotions are the most important part, Mom.  Drama and strained emotions are all at the heart of it. And if it is a real spanking, given as punishment, he must experience real fear.  Tim will fear me. 

"It's kind of funny really.  Big man scared of little ol' me."  The women laughed. 

"And honestly, the scolding is just as important as the spanking.  Maybe it's more important.  It's part of the drama and it really does shape his perceptions and effects his attitude.  The scolding makes it so much more of an emotional experience.  It is important to understand that I'm breaking his will.  I love when I think about it that way," she smiled. 

"It establishes and reenforces the roles, communicates the expectations and establishes and builds the drama. 

"I'm very thoughtful about how I wield shame with all of this.  It's an essential emotion and by stoking it, it goes a long way to keeping him beneath me. 

"If he is not falling off an emotional cliff or does not feel totally out of control of his life, I'm not doing my job  And Mom, it's super fun! 

"It's my firm belief that a scolding should begin before the spanking and continue at least until it's finished.  It truly shapes his thoughts and emotions.  Critical is that the scolding be as belittling as possible," mother and daughter giggled. 

"It can't just be all about hitting.  It has to mean something otherwise, I think it's abuse.  It might not seem like it, but I really do love Tim and I want to be a good girlfriend to him.  I have a real duty and responsibility to give him what he needs.  I take my responsibility seriously. Relationships are work and require dedication. I'm very dedicated to Tim, our relationship and my responsibilities in the relationship."