All Comments on 'The Perfect Crime Pt. 01: The Setup'

Have the same story twice here

You liked it so much yourself you repeated it all on pg 3 n 4.

It ended up being 4 pages because it pasted up twice. Good intro.

Norman_Sands

Ummm, 4 pages of repeating copy-and-paste? I assume you didn't mean to do that.

You should clean this up. It repeats the first section 3 times. And please tell us this isn't the precursor to another February Sucks story.

I'm sure you know your post contained the story twice.

As for the story itself, the pov shifts were annoying. Frankly, it seems to me that authors should learn to write 3rd person rather than first because you can do far more with that format. There are some editing issues, and the writing is a bit stiff at times, BUT this story shows promise. The plotting was more interesting than average. I think you have a lot of potential for an LW writer.

If you are going to do a story in parts, each part ought to be longer than less than 2 pages.

Oops, you triple pasted the text in when you submitted the story.

Multiple first person retellings of the same scene are never a good idea. It's boring reading about the same event repeatedly, especially when the dialogue is copied too.

I also noticed some narration in quotation marks, so you might want to look for an editor to spot these kinds of obvious errors.

How is it the story is 4 pages long and repeats itself 3 times? Did you or the moderators not even look at the published piece? That's shoddy workmanship!

The first half is just like the second half.

You pasted the story in, twice. Otherwise, great story.

I'm looking forward to part two and burning Sonia!

you were doing good then went into repeat and kept repeating the same story why do that stop and when you have more put it on lw don't keep repeating what you have written good so far

Why the same story twice???? Was good until the second time around....Maybe a editor or maybe a friend to read it first or watch how you uploaded it!!!

Tks for the story once!!!

Take this mess down, fix it and post the two pages you have left.

as others have mentioned you tripple pasted,

if each of the seven parts is 1.5 pages long post it in three parts,

multipule POVs of the same scene - usually doesnt work, I think it did here becuase they werent copy and pastes, they painted each person in their best light - use it sparingly

and not good penmanship. Give it up please

Serious copy & paste error I suspect! I was enjoying the story and it has potential but at this point it's basically trash unless you can do a quick save on a follow-up!

I GAVE IT 3*** as the star comment is "Liked it, Keep on writing" which seems to apply here! There is basis and scope for a really good story but it is going to take a good writer to save it!

It’s a common mistake of new writers to re-tell the story every time another character appears.

The writer worries about how to “clue-in” the new actor with everything that happened up to that point.

The thing is—you don’t have to—the reader knows—and that’s what’s important.

You’re not writing to inform your characters. You’re writing to inform your readers.

Oh, and one other thing. It’s easy to fall in love with your own words and be reluctant to cut them. Don’t be. The more you think something is brilliant, the more it needs to be cut. Kill your darlings. Less is more. Brevity is the soul of wit.

Having been hit too many times on the noggin. Sometimes you see double, and repeat yourself on the blog. Hope it's treated and cured before the 18th page of a 5 page story. Very good tale though.

please do not submit until you have at the least proofread the context, idiot

great start to an interesting tale... great start to an interesting tale... great start to an interesting tale... LOL. seriously, you are off to a good start

He becomes some kind of marriage counselor telling the guy to stay with his wife? Why not say divorce and get the cash! That is what he should be doing for himself so why tell others to forgive.

Never mind the posting glitch, you've got a great start to your story. You've established that Sonia is a cold, calculating, cheating bitch. Marcus is an arrogant cheating asshole. Now get to burning these assholes, but put a little psychological torture on them before you destroy them. Looking forward to the next post.

Hopefully the remaining installments will quickly follow!

Thanks for that and really looking forward to the next part..but just one copy this time😁.

Do you know how to write a story *only* once not 4 times within!

I've seen your comments on lots of other stories - now you realise how hard it can be to actually be an author.

Good story - get over the finger trouble (double posting) and the 3 different POV that meant repetition of the car park story and it could develop into something worthwhile.

3*** for effort

Folks, if you’ve never submitted a story to lit, you aren’t aware there are two ways to do it.

One is submitting an actual doc, and the other is to cut n paste into a form.

If you chose the latter (and almost no one does), then this kind of result is more common than you think. It’s an easy mistake to make.

To be honest, I’d be more annoyed at lit moderators who didn’t see it, since they are supposed to review stories before they post. This just proves that they only look at the start and the end of a story, and not the middle.

I liked the tale, it builds nicely. He could follow his own advice, but his wife is different from Mrs Jallies. So that leaves a brutal BTB story to come. Looking forward to it.

As to the double glitch just be careful next time.

Good luck and post again soon

Scores 4/5

Don't make me repeat myself.

And thanks for the effort.

The same thing over and over again for four pages. Hopefully part 2 won't be this stupid

If you plan on burning Marcus and Sonia in chapter 7, I think you'll loose many of readers before the finish.

Intriguing setup, just a couple of things stand out. Don't get how the guy could go from pissing himself to suddenly smirking and calling the guy pointing a gun in his face a cuckold. Of course, this is Thomas' narration, so it might be unreliable. But how the hell did he get off scot-free for shooting a guy in the balls? Can't just say there was no description, he clearly stated Worns was banging his wife, so that narrows the list well enough for a roundup.

Concurrence with 26thNC, Anonymous ?

.

Is that permitted here ?

.

Lue

dont you even read what shit you post? same shit repasted four time u prick!

Obviously something went wrong with the submission as the whole of part 1 was repeated. That apart I'm hooked. Can't wait to see where this goes although 7 different parts seems a lot to set the trap and see it through.

It seems a good story, but 7 short parts are too much parts to maintain our interest in it...Let's see where this is going...3* for now

Promising start, let’s see how it progresses. Not sure how you managed to post the beginning twice. Oh well not a huge issue.

That stings, coming as it does from my Aussie crush. I thought we had something special , but I quest it was just wishful thinking.

... About needing to add 3 quarts of oil to the bronco while you drove around the parking lot LOL

The story is good, 2+ copies of the same one after the other is not.

It's called EDITING

Aren't pages 3 & 4 just repeats of 1 & 2?

a 4 page chapter that only has a page and a 3rd.

If the other parts are as short as this part, you should probably just post it all at once. Stories in parts, especially if they aren’t on successive days, are hard to follow. There are too many other stories to read. Actually, I’ve already forgotten what this story is about.

Looking forward to more.

Loving it so far, I'll even help you edit the rest of you world like. 5 stars and a fave

I trust got out of the hospital. Hat a stroke. Bear with me, The Bear

The BEAR

Don't post the same story twice just to make your story look longer!

I enjoyed the three POVs of the hotel scene. Each was slightly different, and that added to the story. Dtiverson's "English History" was the first time I read a story here that uses that technique. I have to say you did about as good a job with it as he did. I'm looking forward to the rest of the series.

Looking forward to Pt. 02 don't worry about the screw up of the first two pages just finish the story. Thanks for sharing.

But when I confronted him, he was getting out of his car at work, and I pointed the gun at him. He quailed and almost pissed himself." He looked down at the table for a moment, then continued. "I lost my resolve, and I was just going to tell him I knew and that he should stop banging my wife." His voice became an angry growl.

"That asshole stood up and smirked at me and called me a cuckold. A freaking cuckold! And laughed! That bastard fucking laughed! I saw red, and shot him in the balls. Twice!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This section of the story implies that the guy would have known who it was that shot him. No mention of a disguise at this point.

@BobbyBrandt: When I read this section I thought so too. But when it came out that he fucked the complete secretary pool you could say that he didn't know which husband it was and it didn't matter to him because in his eyes they were all cuckolds.

A little odd. Your idea is sound but you tend to jump around a bit, and need some continuity. For example, during your opening you suddenly shift to telling us you think your wife is cheating, then back to your description, then back to your wife. Also, after the guy is shot twice in the balls, how is he standing near the reporters so the woman can punch him in the gut. Shouldn’t his gut be in surgery with the two shot balls being treated, and not in the lobby where the balls would be bleeding all over the floor while he smiles for the camera? It’s an intersecting image, I’ll give you that. Ok, off to read part 2!

Thanks for writing!

Seven parts, and a month or more between parts? No thanks.

Nice read but I think the sidestory with Mr and Mrs Jallies is a bit off. Mr J was so upset that he shot her boss, but when he found out that his wife was just one of many women the boss fucked at work that made him accept her betrayal? And the same goes for Mrs J, the love she shows her husband after it is clear her boss has many woman is just buyers remorse.

The Bear is off to a good start. Bodes well for the series.

I like it so far.

Not very good in my opinion. Don't know whether to describe it as a police report or what. No feeling, no emotion.

Pretty good, and leading one on to the next episode. However, every one of my contacts with a lawyer has started with my leaving a retainer (and I don't mean dental).

strong evidence is required. TK U MLJ LV NV

great, the second time I guess. I was a bit down today almost 80 with family guilt trips and wanting to kill my ex wife but that was forty years ago and shes still alive. Anyway I read these stories about LW and it smooths me out and even cheers me up to see some of these terrible females getting what they deserve. Selfish people cheaters, men or women. They have no clue about the collateral damage they cause by their actions.

She doesn't want to lose her husband. Why does she fuck around? If he were smart, he would lose her. She's a slut at heart and she will cheat again.

Had a real hard time figuring out who was who and was doing what win...

Does such a Sonia exist in real world? It was appalling for her to have such mindset and her vows meant nothing.

Why cheater always say they still love their spouse? The moment they decided to cheat, the love was flushed down the sewage.

Another pussy cuck story

That’s a good old fast paced read, plenty of fun

Okay, I know some readers will think I am vicious and, well, I can be, but I hope someone stakes old Sonia's ass out on a fire ant nest in the middle of the Sahara, ( are there fire ants in Africa??) and lets a dozen camel spiders feast on her female regions. Good 1st part, looking forward to the next.

Very good storyline- good character development and plot movement. Good job BEAR. On to part 2

"failure to enforce their non-fraternization policy." - I know this is standard in LW, and I'm not going to argue that they don't exist. I would just ask authors to think for a moment: Why would a company have a policy that exposes them to lawsuits? If they DID have such a policy, wouldn't you have to prove that they knew about the affair? They can't punish an offender if they don't know about it.

Marcus supposedly told her to cut off James, but he's said nothing about being cut off.

Has any company in America EVER had a non-fraternization policy???