All Comments on 'The Perfect Storm'

What a fucking bitch. And what a wimp. Do you really think that's how the average man acts and reacts? Total crap!

Sorry, but the story just doesn't work. You boxed yourself in a corner by making him completely and irreversibly infertile. Had you given him a super low sperm count, yeah, the story could work that he thought he knocked her up. As written, there is zero chance that he thought his wife was faithful and his daughter was biologically his. Once again, sorry, but that's what you wrote.

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Also, it's not very clear. Did the biological father just go away after threatening her the first time, or was she fucking him for his silence all of those years until he added the demand for money? To be honest, neither makes much sense with what you wrote.

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Finally, I will chime in on the sound effects as well. To be blunt, I didn't like them and I especially didn't like the way you included them. I read another story quite recently that included storm sounds. I didn't really like them there either, but I thought they did it better in that they treated them more like dialogue, only surrounding it with asterisks instead of quotation marks, so there was no co-mingling with the actual dialogue and narration. Still, even better is to actually roll it into the narration with actions. Things like 'Marie was interrupted by an especially loud clap of thunder.' You know, have the storm actually be part of the story or, if you just want the storm passing to be a metaphor, don't try so hard to emphasize it.

You had a great story going and then you completely ruined it by not letting her have ANY repercussions at all. Do you even live in the fucking real world. You took what would've been a 4 star story at worst and made it a 1 star, by being a dumbass.

I loved the story ... your characters, your world - I'm just peeking in - and this 'peek' was wonderful.

Abject shit.

Good story, well told, Brought in the perspective of both main characters. I would have liked more the internal dialogue for each of them, the “storm” of emotions swinging and swirling around in their minds and physiological effects - seems like that’s what you were trying to convey was happening within the home (and outdoors) - Did find the use of the rumble boom so frequently within the dialogue itself to be distracting, might have been better as standalone paragraphs ?

Anyway, good freshman effort and ignore those haters who are upset because the story didn’t go the way they think it should’ve or would’ve liked to seen. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

So she cheated, and at the end of the story, he is the one apologizing for hurting her feelings, and she doesn’t have to actually do anything meaningful in the way of atonement, but everyone including the daughter just expects him to forgive and get over it and move on.

Is that a fair and accurate summary?

You don’t make this decision unilaterally. The husband knows he had no input and, hence, should be gone at the end of the wedding day. She made this decision to “get some strange”. She admits that in the retelling of the experience.

Ok, so it's a solid idea but there's a major problem with the reconciliation aspect. From the way you present the story from both of their point of views, their transgressions are nowhere near equal. Especially after her detailing the events of the night to him. Her telling of the story is cheating for the sake of lust, not for a surrogate as told by her own words when she gets explicit. So that's a major issue that's never addressed. You have an interesting idea about the father holding back the truth as well for so long and that could have been played into the story in a clever way but instead it's used as a false equivalence to her cheating in the first place.

The way you tell the story it doesn't feel anywhere near equal And so her attitude comes off as completely unremorseful and it makes him feel like a 2D blank slate that only exist to make reconciliation possible because he says sorry too. Honestly I would love if you came back to this at some point and greatly expanded the story. I do think reconciliation is possible but as it stands, this definitely feels a lot more like RAAC than an actual reconciliation story. Also the prose is a little stiff. A lot of the dialogue actually feels pretty good but the transition from one person speaking to the next feels very forest A lot of the dialogue actually feels pretty good but the transition from one person speaking to the next feels very forced sometimes. And finally like everyone else said, you really need to calm down on the sound effects. I get what you were going for but a little goes a long way.

Good first effort. A few typos and other errors that a bit more proof reading could prevent.

No lead up to the event. No back story for the couple. Cool, author's choice, and for this story it worked.

Almost the entire story spent on her actions and reasons. Then we cut to Anna's wedding and they stayed together. No time or effort spent on how they managed to work things out and stay together. For me, that's where this story falls short.

Considering the sperm donor showed up when Anna was 1 1/2 and then again when she's 18 looking for some money... it's hard to believe there were no other appearances during that time and that as desperate as she was to keep her secret that she didn't get blackmailed into more cheating.

An issue I had with the wife's confession is her making a point that her one night stand both ate her pussy and fucked her better than anyone else had. Later she made a point that she never told her lover that. If she was interested in reconciliation, why would she point out that her hookup was better than her husband in bed? It didn't add any worthwhile context and would add unnecessary pain to her husband.

A man can love their wife and enjoy sex with them, without the need to tell them that out of all the girls you had sex with, they were only second best at blow jobs and third best at fucking. Her husband asked for details, not a Yelp rating/review.

Congrats on putting your first story out there, btw. You may be a little shell shocked by the comments, but don't take them too hard. I think half of the negative ones were over the storm sounds and that isn't something you will have to work at to change. You used dialogue well and seem to have a good handle on the language, something some accomplished Lit writers never got the hang of. You found a motive that wasn't as easy to write off as your typical Martian Slut Ray infidelity. Somehow, you also avoided many of the standard LW clichés. For a first story, I think you should be proud of your work.

That worked well.

Couldn’t rate. Don’t know if I absolutely hated it or just was unhappy with it.

Welcome to LW New Writer. It can be tough in here as commenters can be rough.

This story worked well for me, and I enjoyed it.

Certainly there were little irritations, but a bit of tidying could work wonders.

Lots of people point to editors. They're right. It's a free service and can improve, not only the story under review, but also your approach to future stories.

I sincerely hope there will be many of these.

Thank you 5710. ( If I find your card, I have your PIN!)

"It doesn't matter what happens to us now." If it doesn't matter it is time for a divorce IMHO.

I the only thing no man would want the details like that’s but yes this is Literotica

I wonder how many couples agreed something like this before invitro Never criticize a couple for their decision

I remember my wife’s heartache of not having own children her eggs wouldnt take. After 2 times 20,000 later

That’s 1995 money

We ended up adopting and never regretted till they became teenagers

Welcome to LW. You can write and had a good idea, though you took it in a direction I found distasteful.

A couple of issues:

1. The husband asking what happened was not a request to hear ratings on how good the one night stand was as a lover. A wife who had any respect for her husband, who had any concern for his feelings and who wanted to save her marriage would not take his request to know what happened, tell him not to get pissed and say he'd asked for this, then tell him not only what they did (which he did ask for) but also that the man she cheated on him with was the best.

Pretty clearly this was not a woman who was remorseful, who loved her husband or cared about his feelings.

2. The husband thinking the baby wasn't his cannot in any rational way be considered something he did horribly wrong, that he needs to apologize for or that can in any way be equated with her deciding unilaterally to cheat on him and have him raise another man's child.

There was an idea here that could have been turned into a reasonable though difficult reconciliation, but that wasn't the direction the story went.

Writing your first story is hard, and given that you tried to attempt something different gives you good marks in my book.

I liked the concept, but some of it doesn't ring true. The idea that 20 years ago it would be hard to get inseminated by a sperm donor is a bit of. Iui and ivi are used when there are problems conceiving, it isn't hard to artificially inseminate an otherwise healthy woman. I realize that was context to the story, but it wouldn't be realistic in let's say 2006.

As others have pointed out the storm elements were problematic, it was more like your stomach was rumbling. If you wanted dramatic effect, you need to illustrate it a bit. For example 'Anna, he is not your biological father' <BOOM!> . The peal of thunder hit just as she dropped the bombshell, the house shook, and Alan didn't know which hit him harder, the revelation or the storm.

In another case, you might say 'Alan didn't know what was worse, the terrible storm raging outside or the one raging inside himself.

I agree with someone else, if Alan was infertile and knew it, then there is no way he couldnt know and it makes Marie look stupid that she thought she could get away with it. It would have been better if Alan had a low sperm count, where it was hard to get pregnant, rather than impossible.

I am not sure Allen's explanation of why he didn't challenge Anna as being his worked. While he may have been guilty because he couldn't father a child, having his wife get knocked up like that would make him feel worse, it would hit home he was not even part of the process and she felt entitled to do it unilaterally. I don't think he could have ignored that, that she thought she didn't have to tell him.

The fact that she never told the guy he was the best is irrelevant, when she told Alan that the sex was amazing she was quite honestly sticking the knife in and twisting it,whether she wanted to or not. He would not see this as her doing this to go have a baby& the sex was a plus, he would see it as the opposite.

Also,would be believe her when she said she didn't deliberately get a single room? Why would he believe her over him?

In the story when she is telling it we never see real emotion from Marie, we see anger that he asks about what happened, as if she is irritated that he is being a baby about it, it is entitled , and why the hell would he apologize, a guy would be pissed she got angry. If she had broken down, cried,shown remorse, he might feel bad,but she was arrogant.

Likewise when she tells him that she came home and had sex with him it was because she really needed him, it kind of comes off as self serving. Did she do it bc she really needed him, or bc she was trying to cover for what she did,make him think he might be the dad by a miracle. Too, in his mind it would equate to a wife who cheated who says 'wasnt the sex when I came home great? ', in effect saying 'I did nothing that hurt us'.

To me she was almost acting as if the revelation was an annoyance . There should have been regret that she hurt him, nit the other way around.

It was just too easy a reconciliation. I am glad he didn't take it out on Anna, but it would have been a lot more than an hour discussion. If he has gone off to live by himself for a while, gotten angry and wrestled with it, if she could actually show some sort of remorse at all what she had done.

With the writing, in terms of flow try reading it out loud and see how it sounds, can help smoothen it out.

Good first story, thanks.

In 1990 the rock band 'Heart' (sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson) released the song - "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You." I'm struck by how remarkably the plot of your story matches the plot of Heart's song.

A nice little story that intrigued me throughout, and I have to say it is very well written. I believe that it deserves a 5 due to the descriptive details of the complex situation. Thanks for sharing your creative thinking.

It was a dark and stormy night!

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Like many others, I found the sound effects not only annoying, but repetitive, and that really hurt readability. You could have done the same thing with varying prose, such as, "Another flash of lightning illuminated the wall, and the crash of thunder was only two seconds behind, so I knew the lightning had been close."

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Anony wrote, "Ok, so it's a solid idea but there's a major problem with the reconciliation aspect. From the way you present the story from both of their point of views, their transgressions are nowhere near equal." That's an issue that seems strange to me, because even steven never is; when you try to equalize that stuff, it never works out.

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Another issue I had is that Marie told her husband that the sperm donor was much better than her husband in bed. Yeah, it was just a one nighter, and those can be very exciting, but it's difficult for me to picture a wife caught in such a situation as describing the sex as even as good as her husband's performance, let alone better. If there's a way to drive him off, that sure is one! We had the same issue with Linda in the original February Sucks story, and that, too, seemed improbable to me.

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The theme that a man is tricked into rearing someone else's child will never, ever be appreciated in this section.

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Martyr2002 wrote, "She's robbed him of his only biological child." No, she didn't, because he couldn't father a child.

Good job, some typos, but you had a good flow for the story.

So it's HIS fault she was a cheating slut? He's gone the minute the weddings over. She lied to him for 18 years....

It seems AI generated.

So, when she first cheated and got pregnant, he figured it out immediately. Knowing that he couldn’t sire the child, he forgave her and never brought it up (forgot as an action). NOW, when she is forced to face her sinful betrayal of him, she considers his grace to her as an insult equal to her betrayal of their vows. That doesn’t make any sense. Her secret tried to hide her injury to him, but he was still injured. His wife betrayed him and he raised another man’s child as his own. His secret protected her emotional well being and kept her reputation intact even though it was broken.

As the author of this story, I am happy to say I appreciate ALL your comments, even the negative ones. I see where I failed in a lot of my hopes, like impressing that it was Alan’s desire to have children more than her’s. That would have lessened the overt negative thoughts about Marie and might have impacted opinions of Alan’s forgiveness. I also failed to express how Marie meant the stranger only seemed the best for that one night. I only briefly mentioned 19yrs of Alan being her best. She was anngry, as much at herself as the situation she caused. Okay, too much on the sound effects. There are other things too that I failed at. I could have done more but this was meant to be a short story. I’m glad as many of you liked it as it was.

I liked it. The storyline is focused on what’s been going on in her head; that’s a lot more interesting (and challenging for the author) than the usual BTB machinations which are always successful (although improbable in this world) and destructive only to the unfaithful wife and her accomplices.

How one can an EROTIC charge - sexually exciting - out of intentionally cruel behavior in the name of revenge mystifies me - must be the same thrill some little boys get pulling wings off grasshoppers

Three stars. Fair to good first story.

No respect for that woman. If she needed a baby that badly then she need to get hubby's agreement on that approach or get a new husband.

HUH?? he apologizes because she deliberately fucked another man and got pregnant... that is a new one lol

Why is the husband apologizing? He did nothing wrong. What a bitch he is. She a liar, and a cheating c*** !

Solid story! I wish we could put a thumbs up or down on comments. I don't have anything new to add. I liked the many comments here that critiqued the work on top of responding to the story itself. 👍

Good writing skills but WTF???

Enjoyed it but so many LW marriages without a set of balls anywhere.

Nice first effort, a little too heavy on the sound effects. Didn't really need the epilogue.

First story huh. Reconciliations stories usually get scored lower. It’s hard to write a really good reconciliation. But if you do, you’ve really done something. This guy was way too easy. On the other hand, he was complicit from the first. Great originality.

I liked the story but in all honesty, I don't think I could have forgiven her, even if I knew the true story nineteen years ago. She was too graphic with her recounting her night because she was angry with him. She did not want to limit his pain she caused.

To be fair I didn’t read much more than about a quarter of it. I couldn’t get past the boom rumble snap crackle and pop every ten words. Take all that garbage out and you might have a story.

Great first effort, but I’m just not sure I would reconcile after the lie, the infidelity, and telling me how wonderful it was. I think she would be gone, as I’m not sure he would ever get the whole truth.

Yeah, I don't see the reconciliation, that's 19 years of living a lie, she is only "his" daughter because he thought she was from the get go. That is not fair to him, who knows what other things she could lying about, seriously, it's 19 years that she had been lying about a kid that is not his for her own benefit, not his. He deserved better, if she told him at the time of pregnancy and they reconciled, then maybe, but no, not this.

You realise that the way you wrote the wife made her seem like a total piece of crap, right?

She decided to find someone to sleep with who hopefully would get here pregnant.

Then she decided that she would wait until the kid was 18 and then tell them both the truth. But the way you wrote it made it sound as though she was waiting until 18 so daddy dearest could help raise the kid and pay for everything.

Then when she was forced to tell hubby, she physically assaults him.

Then she decided to tell hubby that he's crap in bed and her lover was miles better.

There is noway the level of disrespect that she showed in this story would have resulted in anything other than divorce.

Divorce is a great way to end a toxic relationship, but a stupid way to punish someone you still love and who still loves you. The main reason to divorce a cheating whore is because she will just cheat again and again, probably. Here the wife apparently demonstrated that she took a surrogate fucker, fucked his eyes out, got what she wanted from him, and never strayed again. Which is kind of unfortunate, since a single child is kind of sad if it can be avoided. But she did stay faithful once she had the seed she needed. So its kind of up to the cuck. What does he gain from divorce, or staying married?

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Of course the marriage ain't finished just because the daughter is married and gone. The wife took what she wanted from another man because her husband couldn't provide it for her. What should the husband do some day in the future if the wife can no longer provide what a man wants from a wife? Women can suffer from sexual dysfunction too. Or better yet, what if modern medicine can reverse the husband's sterility, but the wife is now too old to conceive another child? But the husband now wants the biological child that the wife can not give him. What should he do? It could be an interesting sequel.

Sorry to boom rumble rumble on your parade

Some of the writing style was far too simplistic

There are so many more creative and descriptive ways to describe thunder for example - your descriptions sadly came across a little too child’s bed time story at times.

You told the story you wanted to tell though so fair play to you, don’t be perturbed by some of the arsehats that comment here and have never typed more than a sentence of their own tale as they lack the imagination and ability to actually front up and even try and tell a story. Not least when it’s far easier to criticise others

That all said please proof read or get someone else to proof read because there were on occasions so many disruptive errors, words sentences and grammatical faux pas that should’ve been glaring to you that impacted the flow of what you were trying to portray.

If the doctor said i cant have kids and my wife becomes pregnant and says it is a miracle, I will get DNA testing. Just looking at the blood group will probably show the kid wasnt' his. I would have known it was not mine by the time of the birth and would have gotten a divorce. Now, after all this time, I still would get a divorce. The wife is a liar, she is a cheater.

Nope. Several hall passes for him. And he sure should use every one of them.

She's trash. She goes out and get pregnant, has her husband raise another man's offspring, and then lays hands on her husband. This bitch has no real shame, given the right circumstances she'd cheat again. Poor Cuckold bastard is too weak, apologizing to that slut for making her tell the truth. Hell, it's no skin off her nose.

Well I felt he was a little to quick to reconcile but other than that, a good first effort..

Good story, with a few problems as mentioned by others, e.g., the husband could NOT have impregnated her, this is bad. If the Dr had said there was still a small chance....

The husband apologizing for "making her tell." Sure, people are imperfect, do not always respond perfectly in the moment, and the husband may later think to himself, "Why the hell did I apologize for that?" It would be better if he kept his mouth shut about that, or had internal dialogue about what he was thinking/ doing.

The reconciliation was pretty quick, without a lot of STATED reason. Keeping things on a low boil until after daughter's tests and graduation and end-of-school stress would be a stated reason for a cease-fire. Quality of reason does not need to be exceptional, but that reconciliation was pretty dang quick.

Also, to forgive does not mean to forget. Forgiving and forgetting can coincide, but really, the forgetting is just "less and less in mind" and, the two are not the same.

For instance, hubby can FORGIVE slutty wife because of the time passed, his wife's actions since then, and having a lovely daughter.

FORGETTING when he is about to mount her for love-making, or when he is mad at her, that is quite a different thing.

Don't miss my initial statement, though, good story.

Very few stories, even good ones, do not need SOME polish.

I look forward to your work.

Well written, you can write. The song is good but with horrible lyrics, a real terror story for a man. And somehow you managed to make it even worse... her plan was to let her husband (and daughter) live a lie for almost 20 years before telling them! Thats stealing the best part of the husbands life! It would have worked better if the story was set when the child was young/infant, then she would have been giving Alan a real choice in life.

Liked the story, hated the repeated boom, rumble, rumble. Not necessary, and didn’t add anything to the story, the tension or the overall atmosphere. 4 stars.

The skanky ass cunt describes having the best sex in her life while she was cheating on him and he apologizes to her? That is some world class willing cuckold shit right there. What comes next? Does he beg her to bring home some fresh cream pie for him? Sickening garbage.

Another story about a narcissistic woman feeling completely justified in betraying her husband and making her cuck raise another man’s kid. Even her self-righteous attitude when he found out is pathetic. No real man would stand for this drivel.

Interesting story. The next 20 years would be hers to enjoy without a husband. Lots of opportunity for her to train for the "pseudo pregnancy making" olympics. Great first story.

very basic story, lookng fwd to your others though.

So she cheats on him lies for 19 years assaults him gets pissed and decides he deserves to be punished for daring to bring up her deciet and adultery so describes in detail how much better in bed the guy is, and he's the one to apologize? If you hate and have no respect for men just say that

This was a very touching story. It had great premise and tension, and a happy ending. The description of the sex was harsh, but he asked for it *****

Get rid of the frequent boom, rumble rumble. They are annoying and add nothing.

Obviously the girl is his daughter no matter what he raised her . Me personally don’t know if I could stay with a woman who lied for two decades. I never trust her again . I also know me and as soon as she told me she was pregnant I’d have said we will have a test as soon as our baby is born to see if you cheated on me because we know my medical issue but maybe a miracle happened. That of put the ball in her court to tell the truth because now there’s so m as my years in question and I say to her if I though this or not how many times have you cheated since. She have been appalled but it would have been a legit question

"The description of the sex was harsh, but he asked for it ", she cheated on him and he deserved to know, if he wanted. The way she desribed it, the bigger dick , the skillfulness in bed bla bla bal is what wld make me either divorce her or never fuck her again. "But for that night, that one night... he was greatest lover ever". cant compete w/ what she'll always remember " a real man w/ a mans cock skillfully loving her, impregnating her. So im done, stay involved w/ the person i tried to raise, daughter but done w the woman who cheated for her own reasons and then kept me as 2nd best to support both and raise one. rk

The repetitive descriptions of the storm detracted from the story.

Flash! Boom! Rumble rumble.

please ..... just stop it.

For a first it was well written , the reader was kept in suspense throughout until the closing brought it home . I’m personally looking forward to more by you . I’m confident that I’ll find them worth reading . Thank you for the entertainment.

"A week later, the man was in jail after the setup caught him in the act of taking money for extortion"

What setup? The guy already told the husband.

Writerscramp: Nice first effort! The rumble rumble boom boom was disconcerting at first but I got used to it. Maybe it'll be your schtick like StarStang6 and his Mustangs. (Not as pleasing as the mustangs though so I hope not. :o) 5 stars

a good freshman outing. and a great use of the story concept of the old song by Heart.

What kind of men do you represent as an author? Wimps and cuckolds? Even though your way of telling stories isn't bad, I have to wonder what world we live in. A man is lied to by his wife for 20 years and she gives him a child that is not his own? And everything he does, he puts up with it? In my time, men still had pride and honor and would never have allowed a cuckoo's egg to be foisted on them without drawing the consequences. This woman belongs on the garbage heap where all the trash ends up. This has nothing to do with the daughter, but only with the character of this ugly woman!

What a cunt. She stole his agency, his ability to decide what he could accept. Why a man would accept that is baffling. It's ludicrous.

not acceptable behaviour from her , should have ditched her and claimed off him for raising his child

I liked it, more please.

Alan took on the passive cuckold role well.

His wife used him well for it . The end.

Huh so hurt, her so details what happen in the Nights, so selfish pretending not cheat

I didn't enjoy the boom rumble thing. I also didn't enjoy that she hit him and he didn't hit her back. I'm getting a little tired of stories with women initiating combat and men taking it. Once she smacks you smack her back twice as hard. Simple as that. The law is on your side and so are all the ethical and moral condiderations. Other than that he should have divorced her but didn't. That's just wrong.

Last I noticed perenial moron SomeoneOther once again had something inane to say about stories written better than he could ever do. Really, when will he learn to appreciate his betters?