The Perils of Love Ch. 02

"No, Sunny!"

"Okay. Are you embarrassed you got a little messy?"

"Um … yeah."

She pulled my head to hers and kissed me. I felt her place something in my hand. She closed my fingers around it with her own.

"I guess it's what happens when you lose control to someone. Should I be embarrassed because I did, too?"

She kissed me again then gripped my hand and let it go. I brought it up and saw she'd put her rolled-up panties in it.

"No. Of course not."

"I am going to be up front with you," she said. "You hurt my feelings. At first, I thought I'd physically hurt you when you pulled my arm away with such … force." She was rubbing her wrist.

"Then, when you didn't say anything, I thought … maybe you didn't like it. I thought I didn't please you. And I also thought maybe you used me and were done with me. Is any of that true?"

"No, baby. No. God no!"

"Are you being honest with me? I'll hate everything about you if you're lying."

I didn't need to think about my answer. "Yes. I'm being completely honest."

She stared at me, watching me closely for several long moments. "Okay. I accept your apology and I forgive you. Do you believe me?"

I couldn't understand how she could.

"Gary, do you believe me?"

"I do. I don't know why you would. I hurt your feelings and I hurt … you," I said, pointing at her wrist.

"Well, I do. And yes, you did. But I'm a big girl. You don't have to leave. I'm not ready for you to go."

"But⁠—"

"Turn back time twenty minutes," she interrupted. "What would you do differently?"

"I can't turn back⁠—"

"Jeez, Gary! Get out of your own head! What would⁠—"

"I would've asked you to wait. To give me a few minutes to … um, cool down," I interrupted.

She pulled up my arm to look at my watch and her eyes widened abruptly.

"Oh, god, Gary!" She darted toward the bathroom.

I looked and saw smears of dried blood from the scratches she'd landed when she slapped at it. She came back with a damp washcloth and cleansed my skin. When she was done, she placed a tender kiss there.

She rotated my wrist and looked at my watch. "You asked for a few minutes. It's been almost ten." She smiled at me. "Is that enough?"

Her levity surprised me, and I chuckled. I pulled her close to me and clutched her tightly.

"What did I do to deserve to be with someone as incredible and patient and forgiving as you?" I sighed into her ear.

"You completely let your guard down for me. That's a pretty good sign. Now come back to bed."

I followed and curled up with her. She held me and stroked my bare chest and arm. It felt calming and eased me into a new moment.

It was interrupted when she grazed my hip and started chuckling.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"You're not wearing any pants."

A blast of modesty caused me to grab the corner of the blanket and cover my midsection.

"Sorry! I wasn't thinking when you knocked. My shorts are … I'll put on my jeans."

"Don't worry about it, baby. I've already seen the tighty-whities."

I really didn't know what to do. I was self-conscious but her earlier words echoed in my mind, Get out of your own head , so I did, and dismissed my doubt.

She traced her fingertips along my upper arm, shoulder, and the exposed side of my back. The sensation was so comforting. When she ran her hand over my pecs, her palm brushed over my nipple and my skin erupted into bumps. I guess she noticed, because, after I'd rolled the rest of the way onto my back, she stroked the other one quite softly. I didn't know such a thing could feel so good until she placed her lips on it and sucked gently which felt exquisitely better.

"Can I try again?" she asked as she drifted down my trail.

That time, I answered aloud. "Yeah."

Her hand traveled under the blanket but stayed outside my briefs. I felt her palm begin to move over my penis and I focused on the pleasant sensation.

"Are you okay? You're not …"

"Guys … um … guys don't recover so fast."

"Really?"

She made me laugh. "Apparently."

"Do you want me to stop?"

As an answer, I very gently removed her hand from me. I felt her flinch at the initial contact of my fingers, but I brought it to my stomach and lifted the elastic of my briefs then gave her a gentle nudge.

She entered my clothes and stroked my penis. She moved her hand farther in and cupped my scrotum. I felt her very gently exploring, feeling my testicles move under her fingers. I opened my legs wider. She caressed my sac in her hand and held it, her palm pushing against the base of my penis. My breath staggered.

"Am I hurting you?" she whispered.

I sighed deeply and whispered, "Not at all."

I felt the blood rushing.

Her hand retreated a few inches and pressed into my growing shaft.

"Oh, wow," she said softly and traced a fingertip from my tip, all the way down to the back of my scrotum, feeling my erection grow. She tugged at the hair around my balls which felt weirdly awesome.

I was as hard as I'd been before within a minute. Her warm hold on me felt incredible and I pressed her onto me with my own hand as we kissed fervently.

"Sunny, that feels really, really good. Oh, jeez," I muttered as all of the nerves in my body began to react. "Baby, stop. I don't wanna make a mess again."

She let go of me and I felt her shift her weight for a moment. Suddenly, the end of my shaft was enclosed in softness, and her hand returned to massaging it.

"It's okay to lose control. Get out of your own head, sweetheart," she cooed. The sensual, tender tone of her voice made my soul sing.

"Sunny, I love you so much!" I softly yelped when every nerve ending under my skin and every muscle in my body engaged together. My body was enraptured, and I pressed her palm more firmly against my shaft. She didn't flinch.

I began groaning and grunting as I gave myself over to her touch, letting my orgasm loose with abandon. I gasped and moaned at the peak of my climax.

"Ooh, you're pulsing," she said softly. "Thank you thank you thank you," Sunny whispered as my balls finished emptying. I was panting in her hair.

I felt her squeeze me in the softness I'd felt. When I looked down, I saw she'd enrobed my head in her green V-neck. I let go of the elastic of my briefs as she removed her soiled shirt from me. She wiped her hand with it then dropped it on the floor.

I was so utterly satisfied that I began to chuckle. "Why did you thank me?"

"Because you trusted me. You let go and allowed me to enjoy that. And, I love you."

She rested her hand on my crotch. "You're getting smaller already."

Her innocent observation made me laugh. "Yeah."

I let her caress my softening penis until it was flaccid, then removed her hand with my own, weaving my fingers through hers. I drew her to me, and we cuddled. Her silky pajamas felt good against my skin. I instinctively craved having her warmth close to me.

"Thank you for giving me a second chance," I whispered into her ear.

Her response was only a tender squeeze of my arm, then she resumed her caresses of my arms and chest.

We laid quietly together for several minutes. Thinking about the events of the previous weeks, I asked, "How big is your brother?"

"He's three years old."

I laughed a little too loudly.

"Shh! Be quiet!" She giggled.

"Then why'd you tell me last week⁠—"

"All I said was that I have a brother. You drew your own conclusions."

She stifled my harder laughter with a pillow to my face, which made me laugh even harder as I playfully pawed her boobs and butt in faux defense.

Her revelation sparked a whole hour of conversation. I learned Sunny was the eldest of three siblings. She was conceived when her mother was only fifteen. Her father, seventeen at the time, married her mother as soon as she reached the minimum age of sixteen. Sunny's parents struggled financially. Her father ran cattle in southeastern Kansas. Her mom worked in Kansas City at one of those new mail-order corporate pharmacies where she weighed filled prescription bottles and attached labels to them for ten hours a day, four days a week. Her commute was almost two hours each way. Sunny was a rarity in a huge extended family to have graduated high school, and the first to attend college. Her sister was nine years her junior. I also learned her given name wasn't the one I knew, and I'll get to that later.

We talked about our upbringings, particularly about their differences, with constant cuddles and occasional pauses for delicious kisses. Nothing else went below the waist. Our desires had been satisfied, which was why her next question caught me off guard.

"Were you expecting we'd have sex tonight?"

The tone of her voice was hard for me to decipher. It sounded as innocent as if she'd asked, "What do you want to watch on TV?"

"Believe me. I really would love nothing more, but no. I can't."

"Why is that?"

"You might find this hard to believe, but I want to be married to the person with whom I share that experience."

She rolled over, propped her head on her hand, and looked at me. "Are you telling me you've never had sex?"

"I told you a little while ago I've never even been touched below the belt. So … yeah. I'm still a virgin."

"You surprise me." She paused. "I feel the same way. The first time can only be experienced once. It's something meant to be shared with the person you commit to spend the rest of your life. But you saying it impresses me."

"Why?"

"Well, you're a guy for one thing, and I guess I assumed someone like you would have had lots of … opportunities."

"You flatter me. Not that it matters, but you're the first woman I've been romantic with in almost four years. And what we've shared in the last week makes everything before pale in comparison."

Even though it was way past midnight, I spent the next hour telling Sunny about my totally inept history.

"So, what changed? Why are you and I half naked in the same bed?" she asked.

"All of that. I guess those experiences shaped my life more than I realized. You're right that I probably had a lot of opportunities. But … I was too stupid to notice.

"But with you, somehow, I didn't miss the signs. And this might sound silly, but I'm glad it all happened like that, because I so completely fell for you almost the first night you and I chatted online."

I realized I didn't want to talk about the inevitable, but I couldn't leave my expression to her incomplete.

"Please believe me, Sunny. I'm not taking the time we've spent together for granted. I'm not . But I don't want to think about tomorrow. It's going to completely suck."

"Yeah. It is."

Our moods became somber, and we didn't talk much longer before we fell asleep.

I awakened at 7:30 in a bizarre mood consisting of equal parts dread and joy. I was happy because of what Sunny and I had shared, and I felt dread at what was to come. Sunny was still sleeping, but I was determined I had no choice but to yank the bandage off and depart sooner rather than later.

I brought my clothes to the bathroom and hung the bookmark from the door before getting into the shower. I'd barely started shampooing my hair when I was startled by the sound of the door being opened. I turned around as Sunny, totally and completely naked, stepped in.

Her eyes studied my body. Mine, of course, studied hers and was struck by the beautiful fur atop the apex of her thighs as the water began to intermingle with it. I watched as she shampooed her mane and lathered herself with soap, then rinsed everything. The only touch between us came when she gave me a very soft kiss, then exited as quietly as she'd entered. Not a single word was spoken.

It was bizarre. It was completely awesome, and so very intimate. A ravishingly gorgeous woman shared a shower with me, but my body didn't react. I'd seen for the first time in my life a naked woman mere inches from me and my body couldn't react because my brain knew it was about to go into withdrawal and was beginning to preemptively defend itself.

I turned off the water and stood silent for several minutes before I willed myself to dry off and put on my clothes. Every warp and weft seemed to scour my skin. It hurt to dress. My senses were on edge because I knew the finality was near.

When I went back into the room, Sunny had already dressed. Her eyes were puffy and red.

"Gary, you've got to get out of here. I love you, but you have to leave. Now."

"I know, Sunny. Please don't make me walk out of here by myself. Please come with me to my car," I said, as I stuffed my dirty clothes into my bag.

She nodded, picked up my backpack, and slung it over her shoulder. No exit precautions were taken. She opened the door to the corridor and pushed me gently through it. We walked, hand in hand, down the hallway to the nearest exit. I remember her clutching my hand so tightly in hers that her fingernails dug into my palm. It didn't feel good, but I needed the discomfort.

It was drizzling as we stepped outside. My car was barely fifty yards from the door we'd gone through. Though we were getting wet, our pace was slow. My bizarrely inverted logic leapt in joy when my key fob refused to unlock the door from twenty feet away because it further delayed my departure. I held Sunny's body close to me as I manually unlocked the door with the key, took my backpack from her shoulder, kissed her one last time, and sat inside.

"Shit , Gary, this sucks !" It was the first expletive I'd ever heard her say. "I wish I could hate you !"

"Then hate me, Sunny. It'll be easier that way."

I closed the car door, sealing the rain out. It didn't obscure the pain I saw in her eyes nor the agony in my own. I had to force myself to drive away. In the mirror, I saw her cover her down-turned face with both hands and turn toward her building, crying. My heart ached. My soul ached.

I had no clue why I'd done what I'd done to her. I should have never chatted with her. I should have kneed Dork in the balls when he'd said, "Hey, you've got to try this."

Whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost," was a moron.

I sat in wet, cold silence for the first hour of my drive back to my campus. The road didn't move underneath me as fast as I hoped. I turned on the radio and tuned it to a station airing a Top Hits countdown which was a horrible choice. Not thirty minutes into the music came a ballad by Sade.

Didn't I tell you, what I believe?
Did somebody say that a love like that won't last?
Didn't I give you,
all that I've got to give,
baby.

I keep crying.
I keep trying for you.
There's nothing like you and I,
baby.

This is no ordinary love,
no ordinary love.

I loved Sade's music until that moment, and then I hated her. I despised her for airing the anguish I felt so publicly. My emotions were on the radio, and I detested her for betraying me.

I couldn't see the road ahead because tears began to blur my vision. I knew I was a danger to myself or others, so I decided it wise to stop on a side road off the highway. I sobbed for the first time in a decade or more. I cried harder than I did when my father asked me to decide whether or not it was time to put down my aging, feeble, childhood dog when I was twelve. I absolutely bawled.

I sat in my car for probably twenty minutes with the hazard flashers blinking before I finally got myself under control.

I arrived back in town right before three o'clock in the afternoon.

I was in a horribly foul mood. I changed my clothes and went jogging around the campus for about an hour and a half, but it didn't clear my mind as much as I'd hoped. Instead, it gave me ample time to think, which was something I didn't want to do.

I ran back to the tower, fetched my keys, then drove to a store where I spent twenty dollars on a 12-pack of Coke and something which would have to be hidden in my backpack and smuggled into my dormitory.

Once I returned to my room, I sat at my desk and pulled the 750ml bottle of Jack Daniel's out of my backpack, broke the seal, uncapped it, and took a heavy pull. It almost came right back up because my stomach wasn't familiar with 80-proof liquor, but the searing burn down my throat and the warmth in my belly felt good for some unknown reason.

Yeah, okay, I was twenty-two years old, but I'd never poured anything stronger than a glass of wine. Anything stronger simply hadn't appealed to me, and straight liquor never crossed my mind. Sure, I'd have a few beers with friends while I was kicking their asses playing nine-ball at The Cavern, but that particular day was different. I hoped some concentrated ethanol would destroy the neurons I no longer wanted.

I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the prior night. I had nothing on my stomach, so the first drink started going to my head within minutes, and the following slugs immediately piled on. Thankfully.

I walked down the hall and descended the stairs to fill my small cooler at the ice machine in the basement. Several friends passed me in the hallways and common areas.

Whoever said, "Yo, Gary, what's up?" got a "Hey," in response. Those who offered a simple acknowledging nod or chin-jut of recognition received the same in return. I didn't want to have a conversation with anyone.

I returned to my room and locked the door. I filled a Solo cup full of ice and Coke and sat staring at my powered-off PC for at least an hour while I drank. I then remembered I needed to unpack my backpack and take out my soiled clothes. I threw the whole wad across the room into the laundry basket in the closet. On its landing, I noticed a swatch of color I didn't recognize.

I walked over and tugged at the fabric to discover Sunny had secreted her panties in my backpack. She'd sent me home with the ones she'd been wearing when she let me touch her. She'd given me the clothing she'd used as an object lesson in the well-deserved rebuke of my insensitive behavior.

I threw her underwear in the trashcan, turned on the TV, and watched a rerun of "The Simpsons."

I heard a knock on my door. I rolled my eyes and sighed when I opened it and saw Dork standing there. I have no recollection of what he wanted to discuss with me, but when he saw the open bottle on my desk, he stopped mid-sentence and stared at me.

After a few moments, he ducked under the arm I was using to hold the door open. He helped himself to one of the Cokes and put the remaining ten cans in my compact fridge. He mixed an uniced Jack and Coke in a red Solo cup, then sat down at the desk on the opposite side of the room.

He watched me and didn't say a word. He sipped at his drink and watched me. He was blessedly quiet because I wouldn't have tolerated any of his wisecracks.

When the episode on TV ended, Dork asked, "You eat yet?"

I shook my head.

"Be right back."

He was gone for about twenty minutes then let himself back in because I'd neglected to re-lock the door. He was carrying two bags from the Burger Barn located across the street. He sat one bag next to me on the bed and resumed his silent post at the desk with the other.

I watched as he unwrapped a hamburger and extracted a huge paper cup of fries from the bag, placing them both on napkins atop the desk. He took a bite of his burger and watched me. He chewed silently, swallowed, then stopped. He stared at me and mimed taking a bite of an invisible fry before pointing to the bag he'd placed on my bed.