The Plan Ch. 10

Before he cooked breakfast, he decided to take a quick shower and brush his teeth. As he was brushing his teeth, he got a stab of pain in his cheek and he looked up into the mirror. The gash was long and deep and would require stitches and the underside of his eye was swollen black and blue. He sighed. He just couldn't shake these blues for some reason. With a shrug to his reflection, he went back to the kitchen.

In the kitchen he cracked some eggs for egg wash, buttered and heated the pan on the stove and then set to making her favorite French toast. Absently, he also fried up some sausage and made coffee.

As he set breakfast on the table, she appeared out of the basement dressed in her bathrobe and a smile to light the world. Everything about her was tiny, vulnerable and beautiful and he fell in love with her all over again. She glowed magnificently from the top of her curly raven hair to the tips of her manicured toes which peeked out from under her robe. Joy radiated from her and she outshined the dawn.

Yet something was wrong and he felt it more acutely now that he saw her. Something in his chest felt like someone had left a scalpel inside him after an operation. At the sight of her, joyful in the light of a fresh dawn, he suddenly felt guilty, ashamed and terribly unworthy of her.

While she still looked exactly the same and she was still his wife, what he had done to her last night was so totally out of sync with the rest of their lives he suddenly couldn't wrap his head around it. Her sable hair still shone in the morning light, but all he could remember was how he had yanked her around by it. Her peach face glowed with fresh morning color, but all he could remember was that he had smacked her face. Her teeth gleamed from her smile like pearls, but all he remembered was how he had fucked her mouth and throat. Her body was still that perfect hour glass shape described her robe, but he had used her body and spurted his seed inside her like a dog rutting in the street. He had insulted and degraded her and treated her like a fuck toy. Now when he looked at her, he didn't just see the sweet, caring woman that he loved. Now he also saw the dark siren he craved. This realization made him shudder a bit.

She didn't deserve to be treated like that. She was his wife yet last night he had used her like something he had stolen. The memories of what had happened caused a rush of guilt and forged a hollow place in his gut. How could he have done this to her? He loved her and yet he had done this. He couldn't make sense of it in his head and he felt the flush of shame on his cheeks.

She didn't seem to notice his struggles. She just beamed that happy smile at him, still the most beautiful creature he had ever encountered in his life. He tried to smile back at her, but he couldn't and wound up only giving the floor under her little feet a half smile. He should be happy because the plan had worked out so well and she was happy because the plan had been her idea, but he just couldn't seem to get happy. But he didn't want to spoil her mood so he just kept quiet as she approached the table and sat down to her breakfast.

"You know, Bear?" she chimed to him after a tiny nibble of French toast. "This was really great."

"Thank you," he nodded dumbly at the compliment.

"No, I mean it. You managed to get every kink I had into one scene."

She pointed to the red mark on her neck the edge of the knife had left. It made him feel sick and he had to look away.

"Seriously. Voyeurism, abduction, knives, blood, consent non consent, breeding ... you even slapped and degraded me! I'm so amazed and thankful for that! You're a great husband, Bear. I'm so lucky that you understand me."

When she said this the half smile fell off his face. He had to look away from her.

"Well ..."

"It took you so long to get around to the abduction that I didn't expect it when you did it. You really scared me! And the choke and that stuff with the knife! Oh, my God that was so good! I was genuinely terrified for a bit! Great job, hun!"

"Well, I, uh, well, we had a plan ...." he muttered gamely. An evil little tendril of sickness crept up his throat, so he swallowed it back down through a dry mouth.

"Yes, we did, but you made it all happen for me! Everything a girl could want and my husband made all my fantasies come true! That was the best birthday present I ever got!"

He nodded, unable to smile. The icky feeling in his stomach was threatening to overwhelm him just then.

"I love you, Bear," she smiled as she leaned in to kiss his cheek. Involuntarily he flinched away from her and she frowned at the oddness of that response from him. Then a look of concern replaced her smile.

"Bear! Your face! Oh, my God you need stitches! Come here and let me see it."

He flinched away again, but she insistently sat in his lap to hold him still because she must have thought he flinched from the pain in his face and not from the pain of the sudden realization that he might not be able to forgive himself for what he'd done to her last night. He went stock still and breathed in the smell of her as she carefully traced the wound with her fingers and examined his swollen eye. Her scent was clean and brisk in his nostrils and brought memories of the terror in her eyes, her muffled screams, the way he had used her body and more shame and humiliation. His eyes clenched shut in a shudder of anguish.

"No wonder you're all flinchy around me. I did that to you, didn't I? Christ, Bear, I'm so sorry! And here I am babbling away while my Bear needs help."

He felt even worse now. She was concerned and worried about him and he had had violated her. He had even enjoyed it. Vomit rose in his throat.

Concern showed in her eyes.

"Are you concussed?"

He shook his head.

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him.

"Bear?"

He shook his head again.

After a moment she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head close to hers.

"You know what, Bear?" she whispered confidentially. "I think it worked this time."

She held his face in her hands and turned him to face her. His guts began to churn as she looked directly at him and beamed a brilliant smile at him. It was heartbreaking.

"I think you're going to be a Papa Bear after that one."

He shook his head violently enough to escape her grip and looked down as a few tears began to involuntarily well in his eyes. He wretched and cuffed at his eyes to smear away the tears. She misunderstood. She must have thought he was overcome with emotion at the thought of being a father instead of silently hating himself for enjoying her body the way he did last night.

"No really! I feel it!" she insisted and took his left hand and placed it on her stomach. "I'm going to have our baby! And you'll be Papa Bear and I'll be Mama Bear and we'll have a little baby bear and it's growing right here inside of me right now!"

And she shone with joy from her little pedicured toes to her curly halo of black hair. Excitement radiated from of her. She had wanted a family so badly since they got married and they had been trying for months. He wanted to have children with her too, but suddenly he was sick to his stomach at the thought. He clutched his hand over his mouth.

"Bear?" she asked with a look of confusion. "Bear, what is it?"

He shook free of her embrace and stood up with his hand cupped over his mouth.

"Please don't say that right now."

"But Bear ..."

He held up his hand and retreated from her.

"No! Don't do that! Don't put that on me!"

"Bear, what's wrong?"

He backed into the wall and then slid down to a sitting position with his head in his hands.

"Please don't say that right now!"

He struggled for what to say next and couldn't think of anything. For a moment the kitchen went dead silent and into the silence he heard his voice utter a phrase he had never said before and he wasn't even sure it was appropriate.

"I'm Red. I'm Red! I'm Red, OK?"

She approached with a question on her face.

"You're red?

He didn't answer, but her face went softer and more concerned as the idea that something between them had gone wrong reached her.

"OK. It's OK. We're red and I'm stopping," she spoke gently to him. "What is it?"

He looked away.

"Chris," she used his real name softly. "Chris, Chris what's wrong?

His tears stood in his eyes and he struggled to hold them back. She saw this, her face dropped from question to worry.

"I can't handle that! I can't!"

"Chris, it's OK," She encouraged. "Tell me."

"You were so happy with that plan and I didn't really know if I wanted to ... I did my best to work the plan, but Claire ... I was worried about how it would feel, Claire. I was worried I'd hurt you and now ... Now I don't think I can live with the idea that our child, the ultimate expression of our love, came from that scene! A scene where I terrified you and abducted you and hit you ...."

His guilt flooded out in a rush.

"I raped you!"

Shock and realization spread over her face. She darted across the kitchen, opened a drawer and pulled out a piece of paper.

"Chris," she said urgently. "Chris, listen to me, please. You didn't rape me, OK? Do you hear me, Chris? You didn't rape me."

She offered up the paper towards him.

"I was in full consent and I signed the plan saying so. I wrote out the whole plan for the scene and signed it and all you did was follow what I told you to do."

A tear stung him as it entered the gash on his cheek. He shook his head at her.

"We had all the precautions and safety protocols in place ahead of time. I had a safe gesture and a safe word, Chris, and I never used either of them. You didn't rape me, OK? Chris, listen to me. I'm OK and I wanted it. All you did was make my fantasies come true. You didn't do anything wrong."

He couldn't answer her for the tears that streamed down his cheeks. She tried to hug him but he swatted her hands away. Concern grew in her eyes and at that he sobbed. He was ruining it all for her, but he couldn't make himself shut up. Instead, he stuttered his shame out again as he had done when he was a boy.

"I ... I .... I ... ra ... ra ... ra ... raped ... YOU!"

"No. NO!" she insisted as she knelt before him. "Chris, look at me. Look at me, Chris. It's all right. I'm alright."

He tried to push her way.

"I'M SORRY!" he cried in anguish. "I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, CLAIRE! I DIDN'T WANT TO! I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW THIS SIDE OF MYSELF TO YOU LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS! I WAS SCARED OF HOW I WOULD FEEL! I LOVE YOU AND I FEEL TERRIBLE THAT I DID THIS TO YOU! I RAPED MY CLARISSA!"

She caught his wrists and alarm spread on her face. There were tears on her cheeks too now and it shattered him.

"Chris, it's OK," she sobbed at him. "CHRIS, I'M ALL RIGHT WITH IT! I LOVE THAT YOU DID THIS WITH ME! I WAS SAFE AND SECURE THE WHOLE TIME! I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU DIDN'T HURT ME! LOOK, I'M ALL RIGHT!"

But that didn't help. His emotions churned in his chest and for once in his life, he let himself express what he felt in his heart without reservation. He couldn't hold them back any longer and all of the sudden they burst out like his wailing orgasm of that morning.

"BUT I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!"

Shock showed on her face at this outburst and he was instantly sorry. He had never let anyone see him like this, not even her. But that wasn't the problem in his head. His problem was he had no right to ruin this experience for her.

"I'm sorry," he blubbered, and wished he could take back what he had told her.

She shook her head at him and put her little hands on the sides of his face. A sob shook him as he saw the magnitude of what was happening to him dawn on her. He felt even more guilty because he had ruined this for her.

"No, Chris. No." she cooed to him. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't think it would affect you like this. I'm so sorry, Chris."

"It's OK. I'm OK," he sniffled dishonestly. "I'm fine."

"No, Chris, no it's not OK."

She leaned forward and hugged him around his neck gently.

"I should be sorry. I'm so sorry, Chris. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I was so busy giving you my consent and telling you what to do and that I would be OK with this and that it is what I wanted, that I forgot."

Her hug tightened.

"I forgot about you. And I didn't even have an after-care plan for you. Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry. Thank you so much. I love you."

He sobbed into her shoulder.

"You were so excited and I wanted to be the one that gave this to you. I didn't want you to think you'd missed something. I wanted to be the one ... I wanted .... I was afraid you would go to someone else if I didn't do this for you .... I was scared you wouldn't love me if I said no."

"Chris, nothing could be farther from the truth! You're always enough for me. Look at me. Chris, look at me. You believe me, don't you? You believe that you're my one and only and I'll love you forever? Whether we did that scene or not or if we never do another scene, I'll always love you!"

He couldn't answer that so she hugged him tight while he clung to her. He had to explain.

"Claire, I was so angry with you during it. I felt rage and anger ... I don't want our family to be born of rage and anger. I don't think I could live with the fact that our child was conceived by some kind of hate fuck between us, even if it was just a scene."

She pulled back and looked at him softly.

"It wasn't just a scene, Chris. Our love, your love for me made that scene. You knew I wanted it and you loved me enough to give me everything I wanted. I wanted that moment from you and you gave me everything I ever hoped for. That's the most beautiful expression of love I can think of. You shared every bit of yourself with me and I shared every bit of myself with you, the good, the bad and the ugly. We trusted each other completely. I can't think of anything more intimate. This really is the best birthday present I ever got."

Again, her rainbow smile appeared.

"Besides, do you think I'd do that with just anyone? No, I wouldn't. Only with you. Only you make me feel safe enough to do those things."

Finally, for the first time in front of anyone, he really cried. It was a deep wracking kind of cry that caused his whole body to shake and left him spent in her arms. She held him while he cried and stroked his shoulders and back while she softly "shhhhhhed!" into his ear to calm him. At last, it was over and his tears dried.

Taking her cue, she stood up and held out her hands to him.

"Now, come on. Come with me and I'll make this better."

He stood and looked at her quizzically.

"Trust me."

After a moment's hesitation, he took her outstretched hands.

"Yes, Mistress Wife."