All Comments on 'The Price'

it wasn't revenge, it was karma

There's so much more to this story, unfortunately.......

Thanks 4*

This seems to be missing all humanity, there are no conversations, no reactions, no emotion, no pain and no anger. Its not a story, its a synopsis of what might happen in a story if one were written.

It started of GREAR. Then went down hill.

There's a good story hidden in here. It needs to be fleshed out and edited.

It was a decent story, but you ruined it with the epilogue. After all that effort to get even, John moved to Alaska and became a recluse? The ending sucked!

a poor version of an Aespop Fable

Quite good but could have been fleshed out a bit.

Weird one, felt like a first attempt at a BTB before the fundamentals of the craft had been developed. The response from John's mother to Tina was quite good, everything else was either robotic or unconvincing.

Everyone has something to say until there's a fist in their face.

It's a classic line you hear growing up, and it couldn't be more true. When clever, powerful, or manipulative people feel their life in danger....well....they stop being all of those things. They are just scared little mice trying to avoid the predator. The mice in this story caved every time they felt powerless, and tried to act like tough predators every time they thought they had the upper hand.

Some people though, rare though they are, are wolverines. Stupid and tenacious. They will claw and bite when push comes to shove. That's what our protagonist was.

Great STORY and pretty good writing. But this story should have been twice as long at least. You rushed it without fully exploiting each of the characters. For example, after such a long marriage, we really need to understand the mind of the whore wife. And the end was completely rushed. I suggest you do a rewrite and fully explore each of your characters. Good job but it could have been so much better.

Rudimentary writing skills

Enjoyed it though it was to much for real life.

But I'd give John a beer anyway. If he was real.

Good read, always liked stories where the betrayed spouse get the upper hand.

I got so confused as to who was the boss (Mike? Tom?) and who was the husband (John? Tom?) that I lost interest.

Did not really like this story. Felt too contrived. I have read other stories of yours and found them to be better. I encourage you to continue to write. You can not please everyone all the time.

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Pasqual

Please get an editor

Good story but a little far fetched

This story had great potential, but needed to be filled out. As it is, much of it reads like an outline. Given how bad most of the writing on LW is , especially lately, I'm giving you 5 to encourage you.

There was a decent tale buried in there.

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Unfortunately a very incompetent writer got a hold of it and made a complete mess of it.

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2 **

Wow! If you like to write, please take some online courses or at least study some of the better writers. I'm not trying to be mean but I have to be honest, I've seen better writing from a 12 year old. There is zero emotion in this by anyone, very little dialogue, and no real thought to the plot.

Would have been better if you had taken time to flesh out the story. It was almost point form in places.

Hurried but good shell of a story

Needs some polishing. Sort of a choppy bounce in the rhythm of to story telling. Or to put it another way, the sentence structure has somewhat of a staccato structure. Could have been fleshed out more to enhance the plot lines.

Writing is too cut and dry to make for a good story. Just okay.

Too rushed. D

Not enough karma for the bitch. "Unhappy" just does not cut it. For what she did and tried to do, real pain should have been included in the karma. No mercy!

Basis of a story only, needs someone to polish a turd.

Despite comments, content is good. Could use some smoothing out of the flow, but satisfies the need for justice and tevenge.

Nobody can complain this story had too much "filler". -2-

Not erotic. Poorly written.

Not the best or well written but I loved the karma part, keep trying you'll get better. 5 stars

Entertaining story with some inconsistencies. If his wife Tina leaves him in writing what to expect and what happens if he does not agree, then he has all the cards in hand in court with the written threat. So why all the detours? In addition, he has all the evidence he needs to sue his boss and his company. And don't tell us that this lawsuit is not promising. Which company, which is reasonably well-known, wants public participation in "dirty" things?

It's something you read in newspaper no flesh no emotions no likeably persons. No Stars.

And John is a member of Trump Party.

Three Stars. Plot was not bad, but it felt like you were just connecting the dots. Didn't make much sense on various levels:

If John's such a great engineer, why would Tom screw up his business. Easier to find a less costly playmate. Rich guys don't get rich being stupid. That is stupid.

Considering what Tom & Tina pulled, why in the world would they think John would believe they would deliver on CEO role partnership --- even if he wanted it. Who would sign up for a partner like that?

Hardly adequate pay back for John, he just got what was due him and went into hiding. Although he did dump a gold digging whore, so I guess that is a win.

Not bad, but it was a little stiff and choppy. My problem was that if John was such a dangerous man, even burned Tina's house down, why did he let Tom get off without any serious physical retribution at all? Tom and Tina both deserved more karma than losing a little money.

Well done that husband.

Basically a good story, but very choppy. If English is not your first language, try to find an English speaking editor.

Very rushed and unemotional. ***

Not bad but if it was longer and more dialogue then it would've been alot better

Sixth grade writing skills. Not ready for "Prime Time."

lol what a total bore fest XD

The author is clearly a gay lord who likes bum love XD

P.S you can't write and have no imagination lol XD

***Thanks for the read.

Was this from lovelfmylife other nom de shit story. Same idiotic style. Same rate- nill.

Captcha

simply appalling.

3, interesting idea but goes at break neck speed with little real delving into the emotions of the characters. The wife in particular claims to love her husband but gives him her ultimatum emotionlessly, knows he'll never go for it but still gives him the ultimatum, and she and her lover both continue to harass John despite the problems he has caused them (and presumably more then mentioned with him going full ghost at work). And the ending was just depressing, John dying alone just took this down from a 4 to a 3. Could definitely use a deeper rewrite and the tagline of "rich in a happy marriage" made zero sense with Tina's cheating.

Fun story, thank you.i would have been more aggressive in my response but to each their own.

Wow, what a great idea for a story! Loved the outline, let us know when you get around to writing the story. The only criticism is that if Tina does not end up with broken legs and a scarred face you will have punted instead of scoring the winning points. Tom of course will be sedated while his dick is cut off, fried with onions and garlic, and fed to him. That's the kind of payback these bastards deserve.

Thanks for the effort.

Nothing else

Interesting idea, liked the plot Your writing abilities are not developed well enough.

Recommend some classes at a local college.

Composition, creative writing, etc.It looks like English is a second for you

The writing is poor and getting in the way of the story you're trying to post.

Good luck oddtomas1 . I look forward to your improvements 🙂👍.

I'm

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AMerryman

I mean…. It’s like the story outline? But there’s nothing else to it. It’s just the outline.

Very “stiff” writing

This would have been great as a much longer story

Wish this was more than a plot outline for a longer more detailed story. I'd much rather see it from the perspective of the husband without anything else, see him discover the betrayal and exact revenge versus the quickly narrated story this turned out to be. 3*

Very interesting story, not exactly what i thought it would be and thats good. well presented, moved very quickly though. I feel it would have been a better story if it had drawn out more. In all a very good story

Was this the CliftNotes for a more detailed story?

love the ideas but too fast mostly because i wanted it to last

Loved it BUT why do so many women leave a good relationship for a bit of fun Surely the new blike will realize >>>she cheated on him how long before she cheats on me ???? A good tale jaybee186

I hate when the husband self punishes. He could have found a better woman and had a happy life.

This was an OK story but there should have been more retribution against Tom.

Like this maybe. Tom's second wife searched elsewhere for sex because Tom could never get an erection to satisfy his wife. He could not get an erection because both his testicles had been surgically removed after he received a huge beating. Even with testosterone injections and Viagra he was unable to get erect. This was because the nerves that had allowed the penis to get erect and the blood vessels that allowed the blood to flow to this organ had been severely damaged in his assault.

And when his second wife found out why he had been beaten she immediately lost all sympathy for this dog of a man and sought comfort elsewhere in the arms of a real man.

Obviously, you wrote the kind of story you wanted to write, and that is fair. However, I found it to be extremely unrealistic. Some suspension of belief is required, in some form, when reading fiction, especially fiction written by amateurs as it is required for professionally written fiction, i. e. Comic Books. But, this story is so out there that it is, IMHO, impossible to have such a belief suspension. This tale is so ridiculously one-sided that, again IMHO, it takes away from the narrative you were trying to tell. Do I think you should stop writing? Definitely NOT!!! You should not stop writing. One can only become better by working on their craft.

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Pasqual

A good story a husband with balls. Fun story

Good one .

But it has potential to be better.

Great story. Tom was Nuts, John has balls. Pasqual found the tale to be "unrealistic". What he doesn't realize is that in his world, the author gets to choose what is real and what is not. So for Pasqual and other commenters the author oddthomas1 is the only person that gets to say what occurs in his story.

No smart successful businessman is going to be stupid enough to pick marries woman as mistress too many single women who would jump at the chance

$$ and pain was left on the table...with the VM he could have owned half of the company!

Great BTB story. 5-stars

Entire story can be summed up as, “Woman does something no woman would ever really do. Husband destroys everyone’s life, including his own. Author waits for accolades.”

Not gonna get ‘em from me. This is one more garbage story from someone who hates women and writes poorly.

Story sucks

See the man. He is cross. His wife is bad. Her boss is bad. They took his Dosh. That made him mad. .

How do one say boring in English again?

I enjoyed the story. I feel the word flow could have bee a little smoother. Thanks for writing.

Told in a manner that was a little cut and dry, but a good story

Poorly thought out, written as an outline complete with most of the dialogue being synopsis rather than actual dialogue. There are no conversations and, although sex is *mentioned* frequently, there is not one jot of actual erotica in the synopsis. All of the characters - every single one - is a sociopath, which tells me so is the writer. As for commenters talking about adding physical injury... I mean, to each their own, but I wouldn't hang out with any one of you in case I did something accidentally that you also deemed worthy of injury.

I saw comments suggesting hiring an editor... no. An editor can edit a story, not write one from a synopsis. You need a ghostwriter.

Yes, this is kind of harsh. I absorb mood from what I read; this story was a harshfest with no heart and zero connection.

Another load of shit that’s a waste of time reading

Pretty bland, but the general theme was a good one. Although stranded in Alaska may not have been the greatest reward.

It has potential to be expanded a bit.

Read more like a report than a story. It had potential though

I love a happy ending.

Who is Tom and why is he interested in their sex life?

Now who is Mike? Jesus! Get an editor.

No, no please let this die a quiet death.

Another load of bollocks

So poorly written, it was painful.

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1 *

I had a job keeping up with all the name changes, just a load of fucking rubbish

This reads like an outline for a story. I think it would benefit from some more context and dialogue as well as actual scenes. Maybe a rewrite is in order.

"Except for what I mentioned our marriage will remain unaffected, the same everything" - Including her reduced and unenthusiastic sex?

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Since he knew that he wouldn't take the deal, why didn't HE close the accounts? Tom doesn't want his wife to know? John should make it his business to make sure she knows.

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Learn to punctuate dialog.

The story had potential. But, needs a serious fleshing out.

Man that was horrible.

Who is Mike?

karma, karma, karma, karma, karma camillion ! motherfucker ! this guy doesn't fuck around. boss is fucked good.

JOHN and Tina had been married for twenty-two years. ... The last year had been difficult. JOHN realized their problems started when Tina was promoted to the CEO's secretarial post. She had become distant. Their sex life which TOM considered above average dropped from a few times a week to Saturdays.???????

Patronising.

Surely this was written by a child or someone with the mind of a child. Saying it is truly bad doesn’t begin to describe how terrible it is. Awful story in every sense of the word.

Load of fucking bollocks

Well, the old mantra of "you don't own my body" may be true, but it still leads to divorce.

As for the rest of it, she openly left a message on the home phone, then went away for a week. The photos would convince any jury that there was substance to the threats.

Photos of Tom's security guys at the house would prove that the boss was applying pressure.

The money was all gone.

All he needed to do was not go along with their plans and get himself fired.

With all of that, he had an airtight case.

Adultery may no longer be given the legal weight that it deserves, but blackmail, coercion, conspiracy, theft, intimidation and constructive dismissal sure do.

He would have made out like a bandit and would never have had to even jaywalk to get it done, while the conspirators would have lost jobs, found jail, and both ended up divorced.

And he would have kept the house.

What are you three years old. I know this is supposed to be just a story but where is it. Paddling tounge wagging Mish, mash. Keep trying.

Reads like sth off a wire service or an episode of Dragnet, ‘Just the facts, Ma’am.”

Good plot. Too matter of fact. It's like listening to Joe Friday.

I agree with the last comment. Good plot but too much like a bullet pointed grocery list. Zero emotion. The ending contradicted the wife's feelings. In the beginning there were no fucks to be given. Even most of the way through she was still plotting against him. Then she regretted it because she did what she originally set out to do - marry a rich guy? His parents would have been accessories to his crimes. The whole story was rushed. Should be rewritten using the same plot.