The Quiet Friend Pt. 01

"Rowan, I need to talk to you about something."

He looked at her and glanced at Ashley. Ashley was caught up in speaking to Katarina, who was now edging toward the dance floor again with her in tow.

"Rowan, we're just going to go and dance," Katarina told him sweetly, leading a smiling Ashley away toward the floor. He simply nodded and turned to Sarah again.

"What's up?"

Sarah took note of the music and Ashley nearby. Her heart was hammering. If she wanted to go through with this, she had to do it now.

"Can we go to one of the quiet rooms? It's... quieter," She finished lamely.

Rowan laughed. "I never would've gussed."

Sarah smiled. "So. Can we?"

"Yeah. Of course."

Once they were in the room, Rowan asked, "So what's this about?"

Sarah glanced around the room. There were only two other people in the room. One of them clearly very drunk and being looked after by his friend. The room itself must have had soundproofing since the music was subdued. It was lit softly and there were sofas around the edges of the room, except for one wall where there was a counter with stools by it. Sarah sat down on one of them and Rowan did the same next to her.

"I just wanted to ask you about something," She said, not quite sure how she was going to lead up to it. In fact, she suddenly couldn't be sure what she wanted to know; just confirmation perhaps. He'd been clear at the lunch; this was just pushing it. Yet the burning need for him to say it to her was persistent.

"What's that?"

She stalled for a moment. "How are things going with Ashley?"

Rowan raised an eyebrow. "That's what you wanted to ask?"

"Uh. Yeah. Sure."

"Oh. Well. She seems really nice so far. She's cool. I like her."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm just going to see how it goes, I guess. I mean, I'll see how I feel by the end of the night."

"What do you mean?" She'd had the sudden thought he wanted to move things into the physical realm with Ashley.

"Well. I mean, she's nice and everything. But I don't really know if I like her in that way. Yet."

There was a feeling of relief. Sarah nodded.

"Is that really all you wanted to ask? You want go to back now?"

"No! I mean. No. I. There was something else actually."

He waited expectantly.

Sarah straightened up and placed her elbow on the counter, but found it too uncomfortable. She put her hands in her lap. That seemed a little better, but she sighed, knowing the discomfort was all in her head, of course.

"Do you remember you were telling me about a girl you had serious feelings for?"

Rowan shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah. I do."

"Uh, do you still have feelings for this girl?"

Rowan shrugged. "I guess. Yeah. Why?"

Sarah rolled her eyes in an attempt to make the whole thing seem like a conversation between friends. "I'm allowed to ask, aren't I?"

"Yeah. Of course."

"I just wanted to know."

"Okay."

"And, I guess I was wondering how you were doing over it and all." Why was she even saying this?

"Fine."

"Things are better now?"

"Sarah, is this your way of seeing if I'm going to end up hurting Ashley or something? Because you know I wouldn't do that, don't you?"

Sarah looked at him for a moment. "Yes. Rowan, of course I know you wouldn't do that. Why would you ask?"

"Oh. I don't know. I thought maybe that's why you were asking about my feelings for that girl."

She shook her head. She had to get to the point now, before there was more potential for misunderstanding. "Actually, I wanted to ask about the girl."

"What about her?"

She took a deep breath. "Who she is. I wanted to ask, if, that girl..."

"What?"

"Am I that girl?" She asked quickly.

There was a moment. It was brief, but during it, Rowan's face looked surprised, terrified and caught out. There was a flash of anxiety. Then it settled. His expression became disbelieving and he frowned at her.

"What do you mean? Why would you ask that?" His voice was not calm or settled at all.

"Am I?"

"Sarah, where is this coming from?"

"I heard you talking to Kat, a couple of weeks ago. When we all went over to her parents' place. For lunch. Right before we all ate."

Rowan was quiet for a few moments, before he asked, "What exactly did you hear?"

"Everything. I think."

"What everything?"

"Just..." She trailed off, wondering whether to just repeat everything he'd said. His face had looked so pained for that brief moment that she was beginning to regret doing this. Sighing, she said, "I heard her asking if you were okay. And that you should tell me. And I heard you say you were... well, crazy about me."

Rowan was still for what felt like ages before he slowly nodded.

"... I am that girl." Sarah stated, almost more for herself than him.

"Well. I guess if you heard all that, it's a bit obvious, isn't it?" He seemed a little bitter.

Now she had no idea what to do. He wouldn't make eye contact with her. He was growing hot by the minute and wanted nothing more than to escape but he found it hard to move. Eventually their eyes met and he looked pensive.

"I couldn't tell you. You understand that, don't you?"

She nodded, not knowing what else to do.

"Well. Now you know. So. There's nothing more to be said about it."

"What? Wait! I have questions."

Rowan sighed. "About what? There's nothing to talk about."

"Well. For a start, is that why you were avoiding us over the last few months?"

"I've been coming to every gathering I can," Rowan said quietly.

"Yeah. I know. I meant. Before," Sarah said, all too aware she had pushed him to be more sociable. But she hadn't known. How could she have?

"Yeah. That's the reason."

"I had no idea, Rowan."

"That was the point."

"I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Nothing has to be said. We're just going to forget we had this conversation."

"But--"

"Please."

"Rowan, I can't just forget this! From the looks of it, neither can you!"

He looked pained again and he focused on the surface of the counter. His fingers were tapping nervously on it.

Sarah watched them tap and then looked at his face. He looked like he wanted to just leave. But she had to tell him that things would be fine and that he still meant a lot to her, just not in that way... because that was the truth, wasn't it? Even if now, in the last two weeks, she was beginning to find all sorts of things wrong with her relationship with Greg and felt everything was wrong. It was as if her mind was pushing her to concede to the point that maybe things weren't so clear cut in how she felt about Rowan. Rowan was an excellent boyfriend, she remembered thinking once. But excellent for who? Confused and feeling the beginnings of guilt for a reason she couldn't pinpoint, she started talking.

"Rowan, you're one of my best friends. A close friend. Closer than any other friend I've ever had..." She trailed off. What was she trying to say really? "I mean, you know. Nothing has to change... does it? I mean, we're friends. And. Sometimes things like this happen and friendships survive..." This time she trailed off because he was looking at her with a sad expression.

He gave out a short bitter laugh suddenly and nodded. "I know. I know all that." A pause. "Can we just go back now?"

"I need to know things are going to be okay."

Rowan nodded. "Things will be fine. Like I said, this conversation never happened."

"You can't just pretend--"

"Yes. I can. I've been doing it all this time. I'm going back now, okay? Ashley will be wondering where I am."

She watched him turn around and start to walk away, when before she knew it, she was saying, "They are important, you know?"

He turned to look at her. "What?"

"At the lunch. You said to Katarina, that your feelings aren't important. That's utter bullshit. They're important. They're very important. And I hate that you don't think they are. I think that's wrong."

It had a visible effect on him. Rowan was now teetering on the edge of simply telling her exactly how he felt about her. Nothing else seemed to matter. They were in a room with subdued sound, designed to be separate from its surroundings. It was almost like a cocoon.

He could feel the beat of the music. A slow beat. It helped him relax a little. Looking at her, he asked, "Do you remember when we first met? We had that conversation about getting lost in something? Anything. Music, writing, dancing. Whatever. You remember?"

Sarah nodded.

"I feel like that every single moment I spend around you."

The potency of those words hit her sharply and she wanted to put her arms around him and hold him tight.

"Those are my feelings," He said with a tone of finality. He left the room.

Sarah watched the door close and closed her eyes for a few seconds, feeling the slow beat and listening to her breathing. She opened them and looked around her. The drunken person and his friend were both in quiet conversation. She looked at another one of the sofas. For a moment she wanted to sit down and stay here, but she decided against it. Slowly, she went out of the room, back into the world of loud music and shouted conversations and people dancing and drinking.

She walked all the way to the bar, greeted by Katarina, who was standing by it with a glass in her hand. Sarah looked around for him. He was there in the corner, deep in conversation with Ashley. Ashley had her hand on his arm, but it didn't seem as if he had noticed. He didn't look up or anything. His attention was solely focused on Ashley.

And Sarah realised, she wanted his attention. She didn't want Ashley to have it. Or anyone else. A mass of confused memories and feelings had welled up in her and she found herself sinking into them, unable to be clear about anything at that moment.

Out of nowhere, Greg appeared, a drink in his hand and obviously already quite intoxicated.

"Hey, there you are! I was looking for you! Sorry I'm late."

Sarah smiled half heartedly. "It's okay. I was just talking to Rowan."

"Yeah? He okay? He seems to be getting along with Ashley, huh?"

"Seems to be, yeah."

"I'm gonna get another drink. Want one?"

"No, thanks."

Greg walked along the bar closer to the barmaid. For the next two hours, Sarah watched Ashley and Rowan, feeling more and more out of sorts with each passing moment, until finally, Rowan and Ashley quietly left together.

A drunken Greg watched them go while the rest of the crowd were just talking away to each other around a table.

"Good man, Rowan! Looks like he's getting lucky, tonight," Greg said.

"... Don't be silly, Greg. You know Rowan doesn't do anything on a first date. He's just going to drop her off, that's all," Sarah told him.

Greg laughed. "You think so? Hasn't he ever told you how he lost his virginity? One night stand. He was drunk, of course, but it still happened."

That bothered her far more than she wanted to admit to herself. "Yeah well, it doesn't mean it's going to happen now."

He shrugged and turned to say something to Katarina, obviously about Rowan, as Katarina looked toward the exit.

"Still, about time he got with someone, hmm?" Greg said, turning back to Sarah and taking a long gulp of his drink.

It was then that Sarah knew she was going to break up with him.

... ... ... ... ...

She stared at the door quietly. It was several seconds before she moved. The door was an annoyingly bright blue; it seemed too cheery. She ran through the script she had in her head for what she would say when she saw him.

Sighing slowly, she raised her hand to knock. A few seconds later she felt slightly sick. Trying to keep her heart rate down, she took deep breaths and froze when the door opened.

He stood there, his eyes momentarily wide and then a look of curiosity. He didn't say anything. He had no idea what to say.

Taking a deep breath one more time, Sarah said, "Hi, Rowan."

Rowan simply gulped and raised a hand in acknowledgement.

"Can I come in?" She asked.

"Oh. Yeah, of course." He moved out of the way and half heartedly waved a hand into the hallway behind him.

She smiled gratefully. But when the door shut behind her as she walked past him, she suddenly felt more nervous than she had ever felt before. She forgot the script.

"Are you okay, Sar--"

"I broke up with him."

At first, Rowan didn't even register what she said. Then he remembered she was his best friend's girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend.

They both stood still in the hallway while Rowan gathered his thoughts.

"Are you okay? Why? Did you break up, I mean." Rowan asked, not daring to hope for one specific reason.

She wanted to tell him everything. But it wasn't the right time. "I'm fine, Rowan."

"What happened?"

"I told him last night. Then I drove around most of the night. I slept in my car. Saw my mother. And then the only place I could think of where I wanted to be, was here." She didn't add that he was the only person she wanted to be near right now.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," Rowan sighed.

"Sorry to hear what? That I broke up with him or that I wanted to be here?"

Rowan looked at her in amazement. "What kind of a question is that?"

"An honest one."

He knew why she had asked; all that time he had avoided her. He couldn't meet her eyes as he said, "I'm sorry you broke up with him."

"Really?" She moved two steps closer to him. Tentatively, she took one of his hands in her own, not fully, but enough to lightly grasp his fingers.

The contact was too much. He took his hand away from her and without looking in her direction, he walked past her toward the living room.

She sighed, still feeling the memory of his fingers on hers, as she heard him ask, "Do you want something to drink?"

She followed him without answering.

After he gave her a drink, they moved to the living room. Rowan sat on his favourite armchair, wondering when things had got to the point where he actually felt a little uncomfortable in her company.

Sarah held a glass of mango juice. She wasn't even thirsty, but it was something to keep her hands busy. "Rowan?"

"Hmm?"

"I think we need to talk, don't you?"

Rowan didn't want to hear this. He shrugged and glanced at his phone. Sooner or later, Greg would call to tell him about his break up. He was already feeling nervous about having her here.

"Rowan? For once, would you just confront something?"

Rowan looked at her. "Why did you come here?"

"Because I wanted to."

"Why?"

"Because..."

He sighed. "What? You don't know? Sarah, you know he's my best friend. He's going to call me any moment and expect me to put my shoes on and walk out of here and go hang out with him to take his mind off this stuff. He always does that."

"I know."

Rowan almost said more, but stopped, realising he wasn't sure what he wanted to express. He wanted her there, and yet he didn't. He wanted to stand up, walk over to her and kiss her on those full lips, and yet he didn't. He wanted everything to be different. He wanted this room to break apart from the universe so there would be nothing left but him and her, away from any guilt, anything that could make things worse.

He wanted her.

It was terrifying.

"I think you should leave," He said quietly.

Her face showed hurt. "I don't want to. I'm only going to leave if you tell me you want me to." There was conviction in her tone.

He almost said it.

She saw the opening mouth, and watched it close as he hesitated. "I thought so," She said.

"Of course I don't want you to go," He said quietly after a few seconds.

"You want me here, don't you?"

"It's not that simple."

"I know. But I need to hear you say it."

Rowan narrowed his eyes at her in confusion. It was bad enough that she was here and he was doing his best to keep himself calm and collected, but then she seemed to be trying to provoke him. He could not think to what end.

"Rowan, I just think that sometimes people need to just say or do what they want. Without reservation. Without giving a fuck about the consequences."

"This sounds familiar," Rowan said quietly, looking to the side, thinking of a conversation they'd had once about selfless and selfish people.

"I can do it first, if you want."

He looked at her again.

She put the glass of mango juice down on the floor next to her chair. He looked away so he couldn't see down her top. It was bizarre to him that even now he could think of wanting to do that. Then she leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, her hands clasped just under her chin.

In a quiet, nervous voice, she said, "I broke up with him because of you."

His phone started ringing.

It was bizarre how the words he'd wanted to hear from her seemed so hollow and unreal. The phone was still ringing and she sat still waiting for his reaction. He looked at his phone. Greg's name was appearing on it.

"Don't pick it up, please," Sarah said quietly.

He had to focus to hear her. "It's Greg."

"I know. So, don't pick it up."

Rowan looked at the phone again. He heard Sarah sigh.

"I'm sorry, Rowan."

"...?"

"I shouldn't do that. I have no right to tell you what to do."

The phone stopped ringing. The silence that followed it was prominent and made him feel uneasy.

Rowan broke it. "When you say you broke up with him because of me, what do you mean?"

"I'm not sure. I just know that I didn't want to be with him anymore; especially after what happened in the club. It's like it was a trigger." She spoke quickly, wanting to get the words out before she felt too nervous to speak. "You were the trigger."

He wanted to ask if it meant she felt something for him, but he found himself unable to get the words out. But what else could she mean? All he knew right now, was that he had to get ready to go and see Greg. All of this was too confusing and overwhelming. Everything had to happen in steps; one thing after another. It was the only way he could think of to handle this situation.

"I need to get myself showered," He said, standing up.

"Rowan? Aren't we going to talk about this?"

"Yes, but not now. I can't. And you need to leave."

"But, Rowan--"

"Please."

In a fit of annoyance, she stood up and nearly spoke, turning around to look at the door. A moment later, she decided. She turned back round again and walked up to him.

She took both his hands in her own and held on tightly. They were close together and he was looking right into her eyes; blue eyes that burned with heat. Her thick, blonde hair cascaded down one side and her shoulders were bare, begging to be touched. He wanted to kiss her skin.

She moved even closer. Now their lips were only inches apart.

"You really want me to go?" She whispered.

Rowan shook his head very slowly, unable to take his eyes away from her lips. He moved forward a little; barely conscious of what he was doing. He could feel her fingertips slowly travelling up his arms, over his shoulders and up his neck to cradle his head.

Without so much of another word and without any resistance from him, she closed the gap and kissed him deeply on the lips.