The Rabbit Hole Ch. 12

The Rabbit Hole Chapter 12: Submit to the Procedure

By Trixie Adara

Edited By ALewdEditor

Penny

Part of Penny's mind heard the click of the phone. The rest of her could only hear the silence.

"Hello?" she asked, but knew the answer.

Nothing. There was nothing. She called the number back. It was the same motel, but she didn't know Nadia's room number. She had resisted before, but now she could be there in minutes and make the staff tell her where Nadia was. She didn't need to be good anymore. Her Dolly was so close, just out of her fingertips.

And she loved her. Was that true? Penny wanted it be true. More than anything, she wanted someone to see her for who she really was. She wanted someone to see the monstrous parts of her but not call her a monster. Could Nadia be that person? Could she see the broken pieces of Penny and not just tolerate them, but want them?

No, said a voice of iron. No one wants the scraps of you.

Penny shivered. She threw off the covers of the bed and got up, pacing around the room with her hands over her ears.

"No," she whispered. She recognized the voice. She knew it. It was back. It never left her. She couldn't run. It would always find her.

You can't escape what's inside of you.

"Please."

She wants your power, but will she tolerate you to get it?

"Stop."

The Voice was right. Nadia wasn't interested in Penny. That couldn't be true. She wanted Penny to be a good girl. She was just like Penny's parents. She was just the facility. She was just like the Nurse. Everyone wanted to make Penny a good girl. No one wanted Penny as she was, today. They could only be near her if she behaved. If she couldn't behave, she had to go away. Penny was tired of being sent away.

She looked around at her room. It was another facility. This was just another test. The scenery changed but the function remained the same. Everything was designed to lure her in, to trap her, to test her, and then to fix her.

And what happens if Penny isn't a good girl?

Cruel memories drowned Penny's vision: the tub, the machine, the Nurse, the electricity, the strap-on, the straps, the look on her parents' faces as they left, her sister crying, the strap-on, the laughter, the smell of ammonia, the copper fear, the strap-on.

Penny covered her eyes with her hands and heard the Voice. She covered her ears with her hands and saw the memories. Around her was agony. Within her was tragedy.

Submit to the procedure.

The Nurse. The Voice was the Nurse and the demon of the cave and Nadia and Joanna and her parents and Harold and Nadia and Nadia and Nadia and Nadia. She wanted to fix her. If Penny behaved, she could have Nadia. But if Penny behaved, Nadia would never be Dolly, not a true Dolly. Penny needed her power to make Nadia happy, but Penny's power sent Nadia away. There was no way out. There was no solution. There was only isolation.

Isolation.

Penny opened her eyes. Her rooms were wrong. They were all wrong. She could see it now. It was another cage to hold her in. She didn't need a room. All rooms were hers. She could have any room she wanted in the world. This room was to keep her away from other people, to make her good. It kept people safe from her. But Penny didn't need to stay here anymore. She didn't need to play by their rules. She was too young to break out of her first prison, but nothing could keep her here now. She was too powerful to be caged.

Penny looked at the shelves on the wall. She looked at the pictures hanging up. She looked at the drawers filled with clothes. These were her trapping, designed to make her feel domestic and safe. But now they were no more convincing than the wallpaper of a doctor's office. It was all a ruse, and she needed to be free.

Penny screamed at the top of her lungs and charged. She tore down the books from their shelves. She flung the clothes across the room. She ripped and smashed. She toppled the furniture. She tore through her penthouse and demolished her life. She broke the mirrors last. All the mirrors.

*************************

Nadia

Joanna was in her uniform from work still. A huge stain of mustard and something else had ruined her top. Nadia wished her girlfriend looked shocked, but instead Joanna was something primal, something terrifying. She was ready to fight, but Nadia's eyes darted to the phone. She needed to call Penny back. Right now.

"I told you not to talk to her anymore."

"It doesn't hurt -"

"And you want to come back to her?"

Nadia took the comment as a slap. She fell silent.

"Is that what I heard?" asked Joanna. She stepped towards Nadia like a threat, but the redhead moved backwards. Joanna was taller than her and stronger. She didn't think Joanna would hurt her, but she'd never seen her this mad before.

"Listen, I can explain."

"Explain what? Explain why you were talking to her when I told you not to? When we both know how dangerous she is? How do you know she isn't tracing the call? How do you know she isn't on her way here right now? Oh, Jesus, she could be coming here right now."

Joanna's whole demeanor changed. She went from predator to prey in a flash. She peeled her top off and threw it across the room. She brushed past Nadia and began packing.

"We need to go."

"Go where?" asked Nadia.

"Somewhere else. She's on her way."

"You don't know that."

"I can't risk it." Joanna turned back to Nadia. She was terrified. "I can't go back to her."

Nadia's fear broke as she looked at her girlfriend. She was a child again, afraid of the monsters under her bed. Nadia could see her chest heaving. Was she having a panic attack? The reasons didn't matter. What mattered right now was the Joanna needed her help.

Nadia sank to her knees and wrapped her arms around Joanna. Joanna resisted at first but then melted into the embrace.

"It's okay," whispered Nadia. "It's okay."

"No, I can't ..." She was crying. "I can't go back to her. To that."

"I know. She won't take you back, I promise."

"How do you know?" Joanna pulled back and looked into Nadia's eyes. "How can you know?"

"If she wanted to trace the calls, there was nothing stopping her from ..." Nadia stopped and gulped.

"From all the other times you've called her," finished Joanna.

"Yeah."

"Jesus, how often?"

Nadia waited. This was it. She was playing with knives and now she got cut. She was always going to hurt either Joanna or Penny, but that wasn't her intent. She didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Every night," whispered Nadia.

"Shit." Joanna collapsed, pulling away from Nadia. "Shit."

"She's hurt," explained Nadia. She spoke quickly, all her ideas bubbling over. "And it isn't entirely her fault. I think I can help her. I can take care of her. I can -"

"She'll destroy you." Joanna looked up. There was sadness in her eyes, like a pity that Nadia could be so eager and so foolish all at once. "You know that. Don't you?"

Nadia hesitated. Part of her, the part that was always careful, did know that Penny would destroy her. But maybe only part of her. Maybe only the part that she wanted to throw away. Penny would destroy all the parts Nadia didn't want anymore. She would destroy the cautious, anxious, stressed, rule-following girl. The rest of Nadia would stay, and new parts would arrive. She would be herself, the parts she loved, and Dolly. She didn't need to be anything else.

"Jesus, you do know. You even want it," sighed Joanna. She turned from Nadia and continued packing, this time deliberate and slow.

Nadia watched her. She knew she should stop her. The good-girl Nadia didn't want to hurt Joanna. She didn't want Joanna to go. She didn't want to give up the routine of her life. She was finding a new normal with Joanna and the bar and the safeway house. She was finding a new life, and now that was all fading away. And for what?

For Penny? Was that worth it? At the end of this, would she see the ruins of her life and feel that Penny was worth every sacrifice?

Or maybe she wouldn't care at all. Dolly wouldn't see it as ruins. She wouldn't have an opinion on it at all unless Penny gave her an opinion.

"Where will you go?" asked Nadia.

Joanna said nothing for a long time. They had moved so many times in the past week that it was a thoughtless act. Surely, she wasn't concentrating on that. Her mind was somewhere else. Maybe behind a wall of pain. Maybe panicking to figure out what her life would look like tomorrow.

"I don't know," she finally admitted. "I'll tell Jasper what's going on, and maybe he'll let me crash on his couch for a few days until I figure things out." Jasper was their boss at the bar. Remarkably, he wasn't a scumbag. Joanna could trust him.

"Do you need help?" asked Nadia.

"Sure."

Silently they got to work. Nadia grabbed Joanna's things from the bathroom. There wasn't much to pack, but they worked slowly. Neither of them were in a hurry to say goodbye. It was too much to move all the time, to be afraid all the time, to not know what tomorrow would look like or where it would take place. On top of all of that, to remove the one constant comfort in this hell was too much.

"I should have lied," said Joanna as she gathered her things at the front of the room. "I shouldn't have told you where I'm going."

"Why ..." Nadia stopped herself. She knew why. Penny could get any information from her. "I don't think she wants you," she added.

"Maybe I know too much." Joanna shrugged. "Maybe I'm a loose end that needs tying up?"

"I promise you. She only wants me. This has all been because of me."

Joanna gave a gentle smile. "She took me first, hun. Besides, I think in the end this is all about Penny. We're just pawns."

"It's different with me."

"Is that what she told you?"

"You have to trust me," sighed Nadia.

"I did. Remember?" Joanna dropped her bags. "I trusted you to not call her. I trusted you to keep your distance. I trusted you to keep us safe. You betrayed me."

Nadia didn't say anything for a while. Part of her wished Joanna was angrier. She wished Joanna would just yell at her. If it was a fight, at least she could get angry in response. But this gentle resignation, this soft acceptance, was worse than any breakup she'd been through.

"I'm sorry," whispered Nadia.

"I'm sorry too," said Joanna. "I wish I could protect you instead of letting you go back to her, but I can't risk facing her again. Never again."

"You don't need to save me from her. She's what I want."

"That's what every girl in an abusive relationship says."

"She isn't abusive she -"

"What? Tells you what to do and think? Takes in those you love under her control or separates you from them? She moved you in closer. She made you quit your job. She micromanages every decision but she's not controlling?"

"What if that's what I want?"

"If you wanted to kill yourself, should I let you?"

Nadia clenched her fists. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"

Joanna shrugged. "In a way."

"It's my life. I can pursue what I want. I have that freedom, even if that freedom means giving freedom up."

"I'm not going to talk you out of it."

"You can't," said Nadia. "I'm sorry, but you can't."

Silence descended on them. There was no malice in Joanna's voice. No frustration. There was a gentle sadness as she looked at Nadia, as though Nadia was the saddest and dumbest girl in the world.

"She's not abusive," said Nadia, almost to herself more than Joanna.

Joanna stepped forward and put a hand on Nadia's shoulder. "She is. You don't see it yet, but she is. And I wish I could get you to see that. I wish I could pull you away and let you look at the situation objectively. She's a cancer, and I wish I could cut her out. But right now, you'd put it back in. You're too obsessed. But that's not the scary part. You want to know the scary part?"

Nadia met Joanna's eyes.

"The scary part," said Joanna. "Is that I can't tell if Nadia is obsessed or some part of Penny's control is in your mind, making you obsessed."

Nadia looked into Joanna's eyes, not breaking contact. She hadn't thought of that before, but she supposed it was true. She was certain that she was free of Penny's control, but what if some part of Penny remained. What if these phone calls were all part of some plan to bring Nadia back to her?

"Sometimes," said Joanna. "If you love someone, you don't let them get what they want. I know that sounds terrible, but sometimes love has to be stronger than desire."

Joanna bent down and kissed Nadia on the cheek, turned around, picked up her bags, and left.

*************

Nadia stared at 1000 Union Ave. From here, she had no hope of spotting Penny's penthouse, but she tried anyways. She'd been here for an hour, trying to build up the courage to go inside. After Joanna left, she tried calling Penny back, but she didn't answer. Nadia couldn't blame her. She needed to find Penny and explain things to her. She needed to set this right. Otherwise, she could lose Penny and Joanna all in the same stupid move. She'd never forgive herself if she let both women slip out of her hands.

"Just do it," she told herself for the seventh time. "If she's not there, wait for her or go back to the motel. Come back tomorrow. Leave a note. Do something. Anything besides sitting here and moping."

She began to pace. "What's the worst that can happen? She takes you under her control and punishes you? That's what you want, right? Well, not exactly that, but something like that. I mean, being under her control, no matter the circumstances, is a success, right? No big deal."

Nadia bounced up and down on her feet, trying to hype herself into entering the building. "I mean, I guess she could use her powers to send you away forever. Then what? You could go back to the motel, go back to the bar, go back to the ladies at the safeway house. You could pick that life up, even if Joanna didn't want you there. Right? Right?"

Nadia took a deep breath and crossed the street. "Hey Gus," she said to the doorman, but when she tried to walk past him, he stepped in her way.

"Ma'am?' he asked. "Is someone expecting you?"

"Gus, it's me." Nadia sighed when Gus squinted closer to get a look at her then yelped when she realized she'd tried to disguise herself. At this point, she looked like an adorable goth girl: short black hair still in her bob haircut, fake septum piercing and lip piercing, makeup to look as pale as possible, heavy eyeshadow and eyeliner, black lipstick. This was her mask for the past three weeks, and though when she looked at herself she didn't think she looked that different, she could imagine it confusing Gus.

"It's me! Nadia." Gus squinted his eyes more, practically closing them. "Penny's girlfriend?" added Nadia as she pulled away her fake piercings. Penny and her had never used such intimate terms, but she imagined Gus didn't know the difference between girlfriend and loyal, mindless Dolly. Nor did she have the courage or patience to explain it.

"Miss MacQuarrie?"

"The one and only."

"Oh! I didn't recognize you will all the," Gus gestured to his entire face, "that."

"New look," said Nadia. "I'm heading up to see Penny."

"She's not here, ma'am," said Gus. "She left about an hour ago."

Nadia scrunched her face. She was worried that would happen. "Well, then I just need to leave her a note. Sound good?"

Nadia tried to step past Gus, but he blocked her way again. "Haven't seen you in a while," he said. "Did I hear correctly that you moved out?"

"Yeah ... about that." Nadia had thought of several flaws in her plans, but Gus, the overly nosey doorman, was not one of them. "We broke up, and I did move out, yeah, but I'm trying to patch things back up and talk to her."

"Sorry to hear that." Gus pointed to Nadia's hair. "Did you do that when you two broke up?"

"Uh ... yeah."

"My daughter did the same thing when her boyfriend broke up with her. Well, she went blonde, not goth."

"To each their own," added Nadia with a shrug. "Can I go up?"

"Sure thing, Miss MacQuarrie."

Gus stepped out of her way, and Nadia went into the apartment building. That was simpler than she thought it would be. I guess the truth can have that effect on people.

No one else bothered her on the way to Penny's penthouse. She got to the floor just fine, and paused in front of Penny's door. She prayed to some silent god and tried to turn the door handle. Mercifully it obeyed, and the door creaked as it swung open. Nadia took a deep breath and entered the apartment.

It was a disaster zone. Hurricane Penny had flipped everything that could be flipped. She snapped anything that could be snapped. She tossed and scattered whatever wasn't bolted down or heavy. Luckily, Penny didn't have that much furniture to begin with. The worst Nadia could see as she entered was the kitchen. It was a sea of shattered glass and porcelain.

Nadia walked through like a ghost haunting her own misdeeds. She couldn't escape the knowledge that she did this. While Penny was physically responsible, she was also possessed with the grief of Nadia. Nadia might as well have done it herself.

Nadia moved cautiously down the hallway towards Penny's office, bedroom, and The Rabbit Hole. She glanced into Penny's office. It was a graveyard of books and papers. She looked into Penny's bedroom and what must have been ground zero for her rage and tantrum. The bed was overturned. Clothing was everywhere. The mirrors were shattered. Even in the bathroom, the mirror was shattered with small rivulets of blood going from the point of impact to the sink.

"Oh God," whispered Nadia.

She was almost too scared to go into The Rabbit Hole, but she had to check. The Rabbit Hole was Penny's life work before she got her powers. It was the culmination of her skills as a hypnotist. It was originally used to permanently rewire a person's identity over months of exposure, as she originally planned to do to Joe. With the help of Penny's powers, it was quickly becoming obsolete. Maybe it was spared her wrath.

The smell of burning plastic hit Nadia first. She looked over the room, but there was a black cloud, almost a fog, hanging in the air. She started to cough before she got inside, and she turned around and closed the door. She needed to call the fire department, but somehow, she knew Penny would never consent to people going in there. There would be too many questions.

Nadia spent the next hour trying to clean up. She had no idea where to start, but she figured the wisest thing was to try and make the space safe and habitable first and foremost. She swept up the glass and tried to open windows to let out the smoke from The Rabbit Hole. She did it all in silence but, despite her best efforts, her mind raced with a thousand possibilities. They were the same unlikely scenarios over and over. She had no new information either. She knew Penny was gone. She knew Penny would be mad. She didn't know when Penny was coming back. It was the same story and yet, sitting amongst the ruins of Penny's home made it more bleak. She had no reason to hope less, but she did.

Her mind thought of a dozen terrible endings. Perhaps Penny took her own life. Perhaps she ran away and was never returning. Perhaps she was homicidal, looking to end Nadia if she couldn't have her. Each time she tried to calm herself with logic and reason. Each time she failed. That was the trapping of her mind. There was no cure for her imagination except for mindlessness. Her mind wandered to the darkest parts of reality, and Penny was her only escape.