The Rabbit Hole Ch. 12

Penny whom she had hurt. Penny whom she had chased away. Penny whom she had betrayed. Penny whom she abandoned. Penny who now abandoned her.

Nadia sat in the ruins of Penny's apartment. It was late, past midnight. If Penny wasn't back now, she probably wouldn't be back at all tonight. Maybe she'd be back tomorrow morning, or maybe she went on an impromptu trip. She'd done that before. Nadia needed to sleep, and there was no place to do that here anymore.

Nadia went back to her motel room. She didn't talk to Gus on her way out. She did her very best not to think at all. She needed to sleep, that's what she needed. She needed come back at this with a clearer head. Once Penny calmed down, things would be fine. When Nadia calmed down, she could look at this with positivity. Hell, maybe Joanna just needed to calm down. That was it. Everyone just needed a night's sleep and the chance to calm down.

Nadia was so focused on not thinking, that she didn't notice her motel room door was already opened partially. She didn't notice the lights were on. She especially didn't notice Penny walk out of the bathroom at the sound of Nadia entering the motel room.

"Hello, Dolly," she said.

Nadia's eyes widened as she looked up. Penny looked like a ghost of her former self. Her blonde hair was loose and wild. The bun or ponytail she normally wore it in was tangled with a nest of stray hairs. Her makeup was runny and smudged across her face. She was in black silk pajamas that were snug against her body, but there was one cut along her thigh that had gone through the silk and part of her flesh. The left sleeve was torn and peeling off the torso. Her right hand was wrapped in dry blood and dangled limply from Penny's side. She looked like she'd been kidnapped and jumped out of a moving car. She looked wild and feral.

Except for her eyes. Penny's makeup was in disarray, but her face held the same predatory look Nadia had come to know, fear, and love. It was the face Nadia had when she first saw Joe and the face when she discovered Dr. Tuminaro. It was the face she wore when she was about to destroy a bully, and it was the face she had for Nadia now. The face was rage.

"Penny, I -" started Nadia.

"Stop."

Nadia's body went rigid. The words of explanation and pleading and apology died on her tongue. She knew this was it. Penny could destroy her. She could do worse than make her a doll. She could carefully craft her agony like she did for Joe. Perhaps she'd make Nadia hopelessly devoted to some stranger, helplessly in love with him, just to break her heart. She could do that over and over. There was no end to the punishments she could create. Reality was clay to her.

"I'm so happy to see you," said Penny. She looked over Nadia's body, her face, her hair, and grimaced. "Though it's a shame what you've done to yourself." She stepped forward, limping a little as she approached, and stroked Nadia's hair. "No more running," she said. "No more games. You're mine."

Nadia wished she had control of her body. She wished she could hug and kiss Penny. She wished she could thank her. She wished she could smile. She wished she could fall to her knees and worship. She wished she could say how happy this made her. She wished she could apologize. She wished she could say she'd never do it again. She wished she could do anything to make it right.

Instead, she was rigid. She was a good doll, and maybe that was what Penny wanted more than anything. Maybe that was what would make Penny happy, and if that was the case, that's what made Nadia happy.

"Close the door," commanded Penny.

Nadia obeyed. She didn't want to cry out for help. She didn't want to run for her life. She didn't want to find Joanna. She didn't want any of that. She wanted to jump and down. She wanted to squeal. She wanted to dance for joy.

Instead, she obeyed.

"Take off your clothes."

Nadia obeyed. She stripped without seduction or joy. Her clothes came off effortlessly and efficiently. There was no doubt. There was no delight. There was only the motion, the mechanics of the action. There was only the commands and obedience to them.

"Become Dolly," commanded Penny.

The transformation was immediate. There was no hesitation. There was no pause. Nadia slipped out of her identity as easily as her clothes. All thoughts vanished. Even the thought of joyful anticipation at returning to her beloved Dolly escaped Nadia's mind. There was no mind of Nadia's for it to go to. There was only Dolly, and Dolly was blank. Dolly was whatever Penny wanted.

Penny wanted Dolly to do much. She ordered Dolly to take her to the shower and clean her body, washing each inch with care. She didn't trust Dolly with medical care, so the cut on her thigh and her cut hand were left alone. Dolly washed her hair with care. Dolly dried every inch with a dab of a towel. Dolly scrubbed, trimmed, and filed Penny's fingernails. Dolly dried her hair. Dolly lotioned her body. Dolly took care of everything, undoing all the damage Nadia did.

She didn't do it with love unless she was told to. She didn't do it with tenderness unless Penny was explicit. It wasn't loving without Penny's command. It was professional. It was reliable. It was consistent. It was immediate.

Dolly was very well behaved.

It was late, and Dolly's eyes were heavy and drooping. Twice she almost fell asleep as she waited for her next order. Penny tried commanding her to stay awake, but her body had been through much today. She needed rest, and so did Penny.

She ordered Dolly to hold her through the night. She ordered Dolly to talk about something, anything, but there was nothing in Dolly's mind to say. There were no memories and no imagination. Penny had to order Dolly to remember Nadia's day, and then order her to tell her all about Nadia's day.

"Nadia had a good day today," she said robotically. "She went to work at the bar. One of the men there was drunk and grabbed her ass. She didn't want to cause a fuss, so she didn't say anything. She didn't like it. She hates when the men there try to touch her, but most of them are drunk. She knows that if she tries to stop them, there will be retribution. They can get violent. Nadia could get fired. It's not safe to speak her mind."

On and on it went. Dolly gave the facts of the day and the most private thoughts of Nadia's life with the same inflection. Dolly held Penny and spoke without hesitation, regret, guilt, or shame. Penny quickly fell asleep, and without any other orders, Dolly continued to speak. She spoke about talking to Penny on the phone. She spoke about Ginger. She spoke about changing her mind, about accepting the consequences of loving Penny. She spoke about Joanna finding her and leaving. She spoke because she was ordered to, and no one listened. It was simultaneously heartless and intimate. She spoke of her deepest fears and concerns as though she spoke about the weather.

As she spoke, Nadia realized that nothing was forcing her anymore. She spoke, not because she was ordered to, but because it felt good. It felt good to say she loved Penny without hesitation. It felt good to say she feared Penny without concern of repercussions. It was a strange time for her as she held Penny. It was a time of no consequences. It was the closest she'd ever felt to Penny, and yet, Penny was gone to her, a closed window.

But Nadia couldn't enjoy the moment for long. Sleep came for her, and she willingly dove into her arms.