The Red Ledger-Life Goes on

None of this, however, made an impression on me as I tried to digest what the doctor was explaining. Stephanie was pregnant. And she was going to die. And I was going to be a single dad.

Maybe I could do nothing to save my wife, but I would give my life to save my child.

"Can I see my wife, doc?"

"Sure, son. Just brace yourself. It's not going to be pretty."

Sal spoke up "Don't worry, doc, we can handle it."

He took us to her room. It was a shock: she was wrapped in gauze over 80% of her body. Tubes, leads, and I-V lines ran all over her body. You couldn't see her face, and you could tell the right side of her body was badly deformed, as in no leg, and no right arm. Her skull was misshapen. I sobbed and crumbled to the bed. Sal caught me and helped me to a chair. Lainie was almost hysterical.

"Oh, Stephaine, baby, sweetheart. Please don't leave me."

Sal held my shoulder and sobbed along with me. And so began my vigil.

Every day, Monday through Friday, I was there from 6:30 a.m. to 9:00 a.m., when I left for work. Then I was back at 6:30 p.m. till 10:00 p.m. when they kicked me out. Lots of times I was there till after midnight because I soon became the mascot on the floor. Once, a new security guard tried to toss me out. The head nurse and three-floor nurses threatened him with everything from bodily harm to his job. When he was apprised of my situation, he apologized and proceeded to watch over me.

Saturdays I was there from 9:00 a.m. till closing, sometimes later. Sundays I was there from 8:00 a.m., right after church, till closing. Sal and Gina came lots of times, and my folks came during the day, and on the weekends. I sat and held her hand, and read to her. I talked to her and cried.

GOD, how I cried.

But she continued to slip downhill; her condition, such as it was, got worse. The baby continued to grow and was still getting stronger.

Celeste

I sat and talked to him for a while, and told him if he needed anything, anything at all, to get in touch with me. I was torn between compassion and guilt.

Time moved on, and Shawn continued to drift through his existence.

I went to see his wife lots of times, always without his knowledge, during the week, when I knew he would be at work. She was wasting away. I was there when his mom and dad came one Wednesday. I talked to them for a long time. I asked them not to mention seeing me, as I didn't want him to think I was prying into his private life. They assured me they would say nothing, and thanked me for my kindness.

When Stephanie was about 6 1/2 months along, she took a turn for the worse. The doctors felt they could not wait any longer, and delivered a 6 lb. 2 oz. baby boy. He was beautiful.

Shawn

I held my son. He was perfect, in every way. I showed him to Stephanie, and then they unplugged her life support. She took 3 breaths and passed away. I cried, and shook, as my parents held me.

Shawn Salvatore Reilly Jr. and I went home to our little apartment. My sister came and stayed for a while. My mom would either come over and watch Jr., as I called him, or my sister would take him to pop-pops and grammies for the day. My life got back to a semblance of normal. I did not know Mrs. Olefson would stop by when the baby was at my folk's house, and she was having a great time.

We had a christening, and Sal and Gina were his Godparents. It was a nice little ceremony.

I had put enough away, after 2 years, to afford a little house, about 2000 sq. ft. 3 bedrooms, 2 car garage, and a detached workshop. Out in the country, on about 2 1/2 acres of land. I also got a large insurance settlement.

I put in an offer and closed. I got ready to move. My sister and brother-in-law came and helped me pack up. We loaded everything I owned into my pick-up and their Expedition. Sal and Gina came and helped set up what little furniture I had. We fixed Jr.'s bedroom and wired the baby monitor so I could keep tabs on him. (Not too paranoid, am I?) They took all the misc. boxes into the house, including the stuff from Stephanie's desk at work. I had never gone through it. Too painful.

We got some fried chicken, potato salad, and coleslaw, and my folks came over, and we had a small party. A couple of beers, and some wine. I tossed out some ideas-a patio, a backyard hearth, a sandbox. Eventually a pool. And a big dog house.

About 10:30 p.m., we called it a night. It was Friday. Tomorrow would be our first full day in the house. I didn't know the earth-shaking changes that were coming.

I woke the next morning, made coffee, and got my boy up. He always woke happily, and we went to eat breakfast. He liked bananas and oatmeal. I had scrambled eggs and bacon. Milk for him, coffee for me. We did the dishes and then watched t.v. for a while. Then he toddled after me to my bedroom, and we unpacked some boxes.

There was one with some of his mother's underthings, and I teared up a little. I put them back in the box, although some of them I didn't recognize. Then we found a box of cosmetics and lotions. I didn't remember the scent of two of the perfumes and was a little puzzled.

Then I came across the box of stuff from her desk at work. I had never opened it, just shoved it in the closet. I took the top off, and there was the picture from her desk, of me and her at the beach. I choked up at that. I took the picture and went into the baby's room, followed by my shadow. I set it on his dresser and looked at him. I pointed at Stephanie, and said "Mommy." I tried again and said "Mommy." He stared, and grinned at me. Oh, well, he probably doesn't realize. We'll work on that.

We went back to my room and continued going through the box. There were some bottles of lotion, some lipstick (no shades I recognized), several women's magazines, a brochure from a spa resort, and a high-end lingerie catalog. Nice stuff, but nothing we could afford. Inside was an order form for several hundred dollars worth of unmentionables, about a year before the accident. Paid for with a company credit card. 'What the FUCK?' I thought.

And there, on the bottom of the box, was a fancy red leather binder, embossed "Personal Ledger of Stephaine Reilly." I was stunned. I opened it, started to read, and my world disintegrated.

It started about 3 years before the accident. She had just gotten the promotion about 4 months before that, and she noted this in her brand new journal. A gift from her boss, Mr. Olefson. He was so sweet and charming. He might be an upgrade for her marital status. (her words) She thought that this had potential, so she succumbed to his advances quickly.

It started with blow jobs and progressed to sex, vaginal, and anal. Soon, they were spending time at his secret apartment, only a couple of hours on days of lunches and dealership association meetings. She bought expensive clothing and lingerie for wearing at his apartment. Then he made the offer to divorce his wife and remarry Stephaine. He would present her child as his own after they were together. She would file on Shawn the Monday after the accident, if all had gone according to plan, and vanish.

But it had not.

So was Jr. even my? What should I do?? And did Mrs. Olefsen know any of this? I needed answers. I packed up all the papers and took cell phone pictures of every page of the ledger. I went to the stationery store and got a large envelope, and duplicates of everything made. I put them in the envelope, along with the cell phone pictures, and the ledger, and stuck a note in there saying "Did you know about this??"

I addressed it to Mrs. Olefsen and took it to a courier service, spent $50 to have it delivered to her office Monday morning, signature required. Jr. and I went home, and I tried to figure out what to do. Who could I talk to? I didn't know anything yet, so I didn't know what to say. I spent the rest of the day hugging Jr. and rocking back and forth.

Sunday was a waste of time; after church, we went to mom and dad's and I acted as if my dog had just died. And we didn't even have a dog, yet. They tried to get me to talk, but it was no luck. About 5:00 p.m. we packed up and went home.

Monday morning I called in and told them I needed to take a week off. Then I hung up and turned off my cell phone. I was devastated.

Celeste

Monday morning I arrived at my office and was immediately met with a shitstorm. Shawn had called in and told them he was taking a week off. No reason, no explanation; Click, he hung up. Ernie tried to call him back, but it went to voicemail. Then the envelope arrived. Heidi signed for it and brought it into my office. I stared at it and was afraid to open it, even though I had no idea why. I didn't know who it was from, or what was in it. I finally realized there was only one way to answer my thoughts, so I picked up a letter opener, and slit the flap open. I reached in, shocked to find the red ledger! Or what looked like the red ledger. But was it MY red ledger?

I opened the left top drawer and looked under the vertical separator. I had left the false bottom out after the last time, and sure enough, there it was. I pulled it out and laid it on the desk. Then I looked at the other one and turned it over. "The Personal Ledger of Stephanie Reilly." "OH, NO" I moaned. There were two. Now I knew who it was from. He had one. HE KNOWS! OH, GOD!! She dropped her head to her hands and sobbed.

She had developed feelings in the past two years, but had not acted on them. She had talked to his parents, and they had thought she was very nice. They thought he was lucky to have a friend like her, and she did not do anything to dissuade them about their relationship. She was flattered to find that they approved of her. But he didn't know about her feelings for him. Or about her visits, or of her intense love for his son.

Unlit now.

She found the letter, and read it. Short, sweet, ...well, not really. Rather abrupt, and accusative. OH GOD (again) he thinks I had something to do with this. She thought for a moment and realized she had to see him. She grabbed the two ledgers, the papers, and everything she had in the drawer, her purse, and car keys, and went out the door. She stopped at Heidi's desk and told her she would be gone for the rest of the day, and she was not to be disturbed for ANY reason unless the dealership exploded. She strode to her parking spot, and got into her AMG-S 63 Cabriolet convertible, and left, heading for Magnolia, and Shawn's house.

1 hour later, she turned into Shawn's gravel lane and drove to the house. She shut off the car and collected all her paperwork. She took a deep breath, steadied herself, and got out of the car, walking to the front door. She had no idea what she would say, or do. She had no idea what type of situation she was walking into. But she did not care. She should have acted on this months ago, a year ago. Now it might be too late. She swallowed hard and rang the bell.

Shawn

He was torn apart; he didn't know what to do. He moped around the house, and turned on the t.v., then turned it off. JR. followed him, and was talking to him. At least, he made cute little noises that a parent would think of as talk. At about 11:30, he put him down for a nap. He called his Mom and asked her if she could come over and talk. "Is everything alright, honey? How's the baby??"

"He's fine, Mom. I just have to talk to someone. Please??"

"O.K., I'll be there in a second. Just calm down till I get there, alright???"

"I will, Mom."

5 minutes later the doorbell rang. 'Dam, she must have broken every speed limit to get here.'

I opened the door, and there on my front doorstep stood Mrs. Olefsen. She looked like I felt. I stuttered and asked her to come in. She entered, and I asked her to have a seat. I noticed she had two red ledgers, and what looked like all the papers and pictures I had sent, plus several large manilla envelopes. She started to sit on the worn old second-hand couch, but I motioned her to my leather recliner. It was the best piece of furniture I owned.

I asked her what she wanted. She blushed; she looked so pretty when she blushed.

She said she needed to set the record straight. She had made a mistake several years ago and never fixed it. Now, she had come to rectify it.

"Do you remember the day I first met you? What did it feel like when I shook your hand? I had never felt anything like that before in my life. You shocked me, took my breath away. I did nothing, and for that, I am eternally sorry. I should have come to you later, and told you how I felt. But I did not. I let you move on with your life.

"I went and visited at the hospital 2-3 times a week; I even met your parents there. We became friends. Then your wife passed after they delivered the child. I found out where your mom and dad lived, came to see the boy 3 times a week. I was the one who gave him the stuffed bear for his first birthday. I gave him a stuffed doggie for his second birthday." "I thought that was from my Aunt, in New Jersey. That's what my mom told me." "It's what I told her to say, or something like it. I set up a college scholarship for him, payable on his 19th birthday, or when he graduates from high school.

"I watched you for two years, probably two years too many. I knew on the first day I met you what had happened, but I could not tell you then. It would have killed you before your son was born. So I kept quiet. GOD HELP ME, I kept quiet.

"I have all the paperwork with what happened right here. How my bastard, slut fucking husband seduced your bitch of a wife and destroyed both our marriages. Jr. is your child, and she kept it a secret from you. I have the papers that show how they were going to divorce you, and me, and she would disappear, and raise your son like he was their own. He was sterile, from diseases suffered during childhood.

"I have loved you for 2 years plus. I have waited long enough, and you never knew it. Now I don't know if I have enough time to make it right.

"I love you, Shawn."

I didn't know what to think. I was torn between what I was lead to believe, and what she had told me. I wanted to believe her, but was she telling me the truth??

Just then, the doorbell rang. It was my mom. I opened the door and she came in. "Shawn, what is wro..." Then she saw Celeste. "Oh, I didn't know you had company."

"Hello, Celeste, how have you been?"

"Mrs. Reilly, how are you?"

"I am well. I haven't seen you for a while."

Just then, Jr. started to fuss, and we heard him on the baby monitor. Grandma piped up and said she would get him, as it looked like we still had things to discuss. Wise beyond her years, my mom, and very astute. She left to get my buddy, and Celeste and I sat there fidgeting.

I started to speak; "Mrs. Olefson,..." "Please, Celeste. Call me Celeste."

"O.K., Celeste, you have me at a disadvantage. I didn't have any of the facts. I only found the ledger on Saturday. I always felt someone was pulling strings behind the scenes. But I didn't know everything. Maybe...I didn't want to know. I don't know what to do now, or how to react."

Just then my mom came out with little Shawn. He was looking around, wiping his eyes, when he saw Celeste. "Mommy, mommy" he giggled, reaching for her.

Celeste burst into tears, and exclaimed: "Oh, baby!!" Suddenly, all seemed right with the world. My mom smiled and looked at me. "Out of the mouth of babes," she said. I crumbled and started to cry and laugh at the same time. It seemed that Mom had figured out most of the situation, based on Celeste's visits, and concerns. She had put 2+2 together but said nothing because I appeared to be so fragile.

Epilogue

We sat down and went over everything. I got a better understanding of what had gone on.

We dated for about 8 months and became engaged. She sold her house, and we enlarged my house and made some improvements. Jr. kept right on with his vocabulary growth, but he still hasn't managed Da-da. Celeste made a tongue-in-cheek point of checking my childhood health records, but with the chuckles from my parents, and the evidence of Jr. stumbling around, I was pretty much in the clear. We were married, and honeymooned in Cancun. 6 months later, Shawn Jr. is expecting to welcome a baby sister. Life, such as it is, goes on. Oh yeah, we got an Irish Setter, and he and Jr. are inseparable.

The End.