All Comments on 'The Return Ch. 04'

10 years later? How the fuck did the story suddeenly JUMP 10 years later? Wow that ROB is a REAL Man and what a Brain!!

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NOT

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How many clues does this Moron Rob Green need before he realizes what he is up against...? He was arrestd for NO reason spent the Night in Jail and NO charges were filed against Jenny.

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even if that COULD happen that should be a clue as to what sort of corruption and power he is up against

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<b>WHY send the shooter (Davd F) away? </b> His story could be Easily corraborated... what about the Local Poice officer Eric?

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Australia is a real country isnt it? That have Federal govt right?

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why didnt Rob Kick Jenny in her nasty Cunt?

I enjoyed your story very much. Your storytelling seems to be improving the more you write.

Boyd

I really enjoy your stories. The only criticism I have is that after such a long tale it is almost as if the ending were almost an afterthought; it was wrapped up so quickly. BUT I still really enjoyed the story for what it was and I like that all of them have a sports tie-in. Thanks for the entertainment.

i didn't really like married to a monster but i took a chance on this story and i was disappointed again...the plot was crazy and the ending seemed rushed...it could've ended better than this...and come on really, he could've head butted her before she so called raped him..this story was just plan ridiculous....i really wanted to like this story but i just didn't....and the whole jumping 10 years later with no real explanation had me floored as well...it would've been better if the plot was drawn out more.

So much potential. But, it would seem that you got bored with this story and opted for a quick and easy out. What a shame.

The people were such monsters that it leaves you wondering who you can trust. Most of them paid for their greed but a lot of other people who seemed almost as clean as a whistle paid too. Oh well that is life or rather an interesting vision of it. Personally I feel that you could flesh out both the early part and the final part of the story.

The relation with young Jenny had to have been positive and certainly the breakdown of her character would be interesting. Funny how everyone mixed in doses of love and hate. There is the problem of no one really watching their back in this story, including Rob, Jenny, Augustus, Paul and Gary.... You know only the first two chapters are connected with the Return so the title does sum up the story.

Thanks for writing and posting.

good story. waiting for your next story.

The world is full of people just as greedy, corrupt, and brutal.

Uh, they have Mafia in Australia?

I thought it was a good story and ending. Thanks for the words and I'll look for your next one.

I think you are I fine writer, But I get confused trying to follow your plots in which the good turn bad and the bad turn good and half the population ends up dead. I guess I'm getting too old to ollow all the machinations of your stories.

the Ct. Yankee

there were potholes in it. 10 years jump was too much. The title really didn't match with this chapter. How did jenny & gary survived their marriage was a surprise. Aungus surviving cancer & living for 10 years was also a surprise. If gary wanted all the fortune why he waited for 10 years?? Aungus was already down with health issues, gary would have easily killed him. Mafia in Australia??? Well there are 11, Ricky Ponting & his mens.

You were going great guns in Chapter 2, and then things got rushed in Chap 3. Wow, in Chap 4 you went into light speed, rushing into an avalanche of forced events and conclusions. And what of our hero? In the end, everything just happens to him. Certainly not a man in charge of his life, bringing us a conclusion on his back. Instead, almost shot to death, but saved by the bell. You certainly have the talent to tell a good story with good dialogue. Hope you keep it up so you can learn to truly let the story tell itself, instead of forcing events and conclusions, before the characters have spoken.

Wild Harry went from a 75 to a 00! LOL <p>

that tells you who are more level-headed: those who think Obama is more intelligent (me) or those who think Palin is more intelligent (Harry). <p>

fact is, this story --- particularly the main character Rob --- has always been full of big holes. I'm sure the author, who seems to be a decent writer, will learn to temper with his plot, characterization, etc. but despite all of the many small things that the story had it going, they're just NOT enough to overcome the other so many holes. <p>

and you do NOT jump 10 years --- suspending all the evil doers, from your "Mum" to her lover/husband whom YOU KNOW, as Rob, had LIKELY killed your father --- to do a last 2-3 intense convoluted paragraphs of the end of ONE TINY TOWN, with dead bodies lying everywhere, and, then, in the fourth paragraph, said: "The End." <p>

it's just stupid and childish. <p>

I still persist: someone as stupid as this Rob guy/main character, there's NO FUCKING way any woman, smart and no nonsense woman, like Molly, could be happy and successful with him for all these 10 plus years. <p>

all the years thta went on before the AUTHOR suspended the story for 10 years SHOWED that Rob had NO BRAINS. <p>

Ten years have gone by and the man had NOT CHANGED one iota! and he said he and Paul were rich like hell but just didn't want to flaunt it! okay! No doubt all due to Paul and Denises, with Rob's lack of brains. he likes to box, though! <p>

after having heard from the murderer how the Beasely's had plotted to kill him and his family --- AFTER HE LEARNED Eric, the old policeman who was his father friend ALSO PLAYED a role in SUCH a murder, during which Genius Rob was hurt --- and what did Rob do? he drives immediately, barehanded to the Beaseley's, knowing some hired killers/body guards living there HAD EARLY mangled a few people, including Paul! <p>

Again, Genius Rob drives like a maniac to his beloved "Mum's" --- after answering Molly that he would THINK of his girls and the family's general safety --- FUCKED Jenny while being tied down, witnessed Jenny's dead and a few other hideious things, closed his eyes, and prayed to God from Down Under, to safe him, Molly, and the girls! <p>

I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes. As I said in my last long comments, before this,,,, this Rob guy is so dumb it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to imagine any one as smart (Molly), or as cunning (like Jenny) would want have any hting to do with him... <p>

but, again, the AUTHOR seems able enough; I hope he learns some thing from every readers, harsh or complimentary...

Genghis ... Sarah Palin? what the fuck does THAT have to do with anything?

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dude if you knwo anything about me from my posts over the years you know that I am an ATHIEST... while Palin may or may not be a Jesus freak.

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Its clear that with the market down 3000 points since election Day Obama has NO clue what the fuck he is doing... but Palin is NOT my kind of person.

The story was marginal but once again Harry proves his analysis is 99% correct again. However, now we mix in the how the "anointed one" is here to save the world - puke. Not much can be said about any of the puppets who hold that office.

The circus is in town with Harry "The Omnipistupidcrudeworthlessidiot" and "The All Knowing Mongol" leading the chants of 'whydonchadoitlikeIwould&it'lbeperfectlikeme.'<P>

Fact of each matter is if either were actually trying to be constructive they would email the Author direct instead of seeking press and self acclaim with vapid spouts of jiberish from their vast selfish poolsa lackaknowledge.<P>

Or as Harrie would cey "fcukem difdeycantaka goof criticalisem to church" which makes more cents than he.<P>

harrie - the local police were currupt including who you want him to go to regarding the faulty arrest. Then a ten year skip falls into the realm of a why not in a short story not an asside of being a wisdomish mogolism rule of nought.<P>

Tare up - not down kids - you know like your parents did with you - or not.<P>

Sorry Author - I think you are improving with each effort and could do more but only if you push off these caustic comments from people seeking selfism instead of being constructive.<P>

Cheers

I swear....I don't think I could have said it better myself as the poster before me did. (Seriously...I really don't, lol)

I think you davidpaul and doing a fantastic job with this story so far and you are an excellent writer. All the constructive criticisms, take what you want from those to better yourself in any way.....and disregard all other schmucks out there that love to just be mean. (That DOES NOT help up and coming writers, you trolls). Looking forward to more from you!

an amazing story, thanks.

whoa!!! that was a good story!!!

really well done.

One word:Awesome.

Story was very good until the end. Almost like the author just got tired of it. 10 pages of story and character development, then it finishes in a half dozen paragraphs that tersely tell us that most everyone died. A rather unsatisfying end.

yeah all those bitches are dead

The ending was rather truncated after the previous part being detailed and drawn out, that is my only criticism. Otherwise a really good story. Thank you for writing. Jenny and his Mom got theirs, I appreciated that.

The Return: 4 Part Series – 130,000 words ± (50-ish 8.5 x 11 pages)

davidpaul www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php

I like longer stories, 50,000 words plus, as character and plot development are crucial to me. Looking back at The Return, I see now there really wasn't a lot of that; the bulk of the first 100,000 words seem to have been laid down like the filler so often seen in Essay assignments. Those words were just ink on the page, like trying to hit a required number of pages or a word count target.

I suppose the monotony of it all seduced me into finishing the story; I mean it must get better soon right? Well, judge for yourself if you have the time to waste.

Trying to wind up a fantasy of such scale and proportion, so tangled and interwoven in only 7500 words or so, with murders, torture, female-on-male rape plus a last minute Cavalry arrival, more bodies, a dead-but-missing bad guy, a few more corpses, a completely corrupt municipal council AND local police force was …..well, as disappointing as the rest of this work.

I know this took a lot of work and as far as the mechanics go, not so bad. Having said that, if one writes a few thousand words, ran spell check, grammar check, then read the highlighted, suspect passages critically and corrected/edited those, the mechanics are pretty much handled.

The story started with a decent premise and some underhanded, cheating behaviours – OK! But the plot holes, the suspension of credulity at certain behaviour or what I presume were meant to be turning points in the story were just too much to buy into.

Sorry; points for interspersing bits of mildly interesting things, like the cars but beyond that? Overall, this experience was so poor I doubt I can justify the risk of wasting my time by reading anymore of this portfolio.

You spent a lot of time on this, to bad you did, you could of been doing other things.

don't pay attention to asshats.

i liked it. was a good story, thank you.

After all that. All those chapters and all that detail, things go bang, bang, he doesn't want the money, the end? Worst non-ending ever. He has all the money and the chance to make things right for everybody and he doesn't stick around? And stealing the title of a James Bond movie (Never say Never" - Really?) sure didn't help things.

I'm sorry he didn't take the money he may have not wanted it but he could distributed amongst others who had suffered at the hands of the Beasley family, so helping the town to get on it's feet again. Understand why he was leaving because all the bad memories. But he could have left an eternal legacy.

i agree needs a more substantial ending to it besides him not wanting the money. glad the vagina that bore him died too.

Thanks for sharing.

This was brilliantly written. Far better than most popular commercially successful writers. The Texan knows.

Anyone with a childhood like that, would have moved far away & made a new life for themself, instead of dealing with all that crap.

Nobody really paid for their actions. Angus, his mom, Gary, and Jenny died and it's an heavy price but honestly after all the sh*t they have done, to just die like that, that don't sit well with me.

They didn't get their just desserts. Not so much a revenge story .

What a shame to write such and ending when more than 3 and half a chapter was excellent.

Great story until the last page. The way things wrapped up was too quick and too unbelievable, even in a fictional world.

Good story but way too abrupt ending. Still not even sure why the MC moved back to a town of snakes.

Ended too quickly, the MC needed to have a confrontation with his "mum" and Angus, the sex scene with Jenny was gratuitous and disgusting. Taking all of the revenge out of the MC's hands made for a very dissatisfying ending. 3* for this installment.

you just tired of the story, didn't you?

Too quick to end. Gary and Agnus should have gone to jail a long with Jenny.

The first three parts were good. This one was not. It felt rushed, contrived, and gratuitously violent.

All of your stories are very original. Excellent. 5*