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Dzenita and I looked at Marie, then at each other: Deja vue was the expression that came to mind. Then a familiar voice yelled:
"Mum! Dad! You're here! Say hi to Isabella, my best friend ever!"
Turning around we saw Peter running towards us, towing an obviously reluctant girl with him. He went for Dzenita first, pulling the girl closer as he hugged his mum onehanded. Dzenita, in turn, used both arms to embrace both kids. She didn't let go for quite a while, and she had her mouth close to the girls ear.
I didn't wait for my turn, so instead I joined them in the embrace from the other side. That way I came to face Marie. She had one hand on the stroller's handle, and the other wiped a tear from one cheek. She was smiling though, and her eyes were clearly focused on Peter and Isabella...
* * *
That was it. I've had a comment or two before that a story wasn't finished, and in retrospect I can understand that. To be honest, the finish is what I find to be the hardest part, and that can range from the last 10000 words to a single sentence.
I sometimes use the epilogue as a sollution, but I don't like it. After all, if I use 20000 words to tell a story covering six months, why should I use an epilogue of 200 words to describe the next fifty years? To me that says that I got lazy and couldn't be bothered to keep writing, but that's my opinion.
There is another aspect too: I don't like the style of writing where you carry on for eternity and explain every last thing in detail. Enough is enough, and I want my readers to have something to think about, dream about, fantasise about, even wondering if there will be a sequel. The key word is 'wondering' though: if there isn't some kind of ending I have failed.
So, in short, I'm not sure that this story had an acceptable ending, and because of that I want your input. Tell me what you think: was it cut short, was it too longwinded? Any other comments are also welcome of course: that is the reward we who write here get, for good or bad.
Halin24
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 4 years agoToo often what appears in Literotica is trite and at best vapid, one dimensional 'claptrap'.
It takes both bravery and real writing skill to draw together the threads of a story, such as this, where the past constantly has impacts on the now. If we are truthful to ourselves we can recognize AND admit to the times in our own lives when an off the cuff remark may have stirred an instant adverse reaction from those we may have previously thought we knew very well.
Unlike one previous adverse comment, I find the core of this tale of Dzenita as a survivor of genocide' difficulty in fully trusting someone utterly and equally believable as Peter's difficulty in comprehending and inititially accepting her lack of communication as a means of self protection. Building trust as part of a couple is different to the surface level 'friendship' the initial part of the story had shown. It is often impossible or at least difficult for a survivor of trauma to balance the conflicting impulses that family, kith and kin and places from their past can have with a new 'we'.
Overall I feel that Halin 24 has drawn out the story threads well in a superbly crafted story very worthy of 5*s. In doing so reflecting some real truths of the key thought processes that go through the principals thoughts before they achieve a means of working together into their future. The story also does well to finish by pointing up the fact that life can sometimes appear circular throwing up unexpected coincidences into the next generation - although with the principals back story is life repeating itself really that surprising in their children?
Incomplete? Rubbish, it is complete in itself and doesn't need anything added or subtractedto be a veryworthy addition to 'Romance' on Literotica.
Powersworderover 4 years ago"I felt betrayed in some way that I couldn't explain even to myself."
Because she chose some ridiculous fantasy of personally rebuilding a ruined country over his love and commitment to her. If she really wanted to rebuild Sarajevo, she would have graduated in Sweden, then used her education to guilt-trip a wealthy first-world nation into sending millions to aid reconstruction efforts.
Peter loved her, but Dzenita never really loved him. While he was willing to drop everything for her, she failed him repeatedly:
1) Dumped him in Sweden for an uncertain future in another country.
2) Never told Peter he was a father.
3) Only wanted to return to Sweden so she could go to university. She talks about a better life for her son, but never even mentions Peter in her reasoning.
She was incredibly selfish and neither loved or trusted Peter. I can't help feeling that she didn't deserve the love and dedication he had for her.
Anonymousover 4 years agoWell done, I think you handled this extremely well, like your Deja-vu ending too!
