The Ryan Gosling Principle

CHARLIE BURNS WAS a lean man of thirty who tanned easily. His wife Lisa was twenty-eight, plump and curvy, with creamy-white skin that had to be slathered in suntan lotion whenever she went out in the summer. She constantly wished she had darker skin, but Charlie loved her creamy-white body. Whenever she was naked, the pale skin showed up her baby-pink nipples and pussy-lips, the sight of which drove Charlie absolutely wild. They had been married for a year and had recently started trying for a baby, but with the amount of sex they were having, Charlie didn't think it would be long before Lisa got pregnant.

One night they were in bed, Lisa lying on her back while Charlie was propped up on one elbow next to her. They had just made love and Lisa was enjoying the post-coital feeling of a nice, full vagina while her husband ran his hand up and down her body, gazing at her. She smiled at the look of wonder in his eyes.

'You like my body, don't you?' she said.

'I love your body,' said Charlie. 'I can't get enough of it.'

'Well, it's all yours, my darling.'

'Really? You'd never sleep with another man?'

'No, never,' said Lisa. 'Well, unless it was Ryan Gosling, of course.'

Charlie's hand froze.

'What did you say?' he said.

'Oh, Charlie! Don't look at me like that! It was a joke!'

'So you wouldn't sleep with Ryan Gosling?'

'Of course not! He lives in Hollywood.'

'Oh, but if he moved to this town, you'd consider it?'

'Charlie, for god's sake! It was a joke!'

'Well, I don't find it very funny.'

'Yeah, I got that!'

Lisa pushed herself up to a sitting position, moving away from her husband at the same time. She reached for the duvet and pulled it over her body and breasts, then scowled at him.

'Tell me something, Charlie,' she said. 'Why is it okay for you to fancy other women, but it's not okay for me to fancy other men?'

'What other women are you talking about?'

'Margot Robbie, for instance! Anytime she's in a film, you can barely keep your tongue in your mouth!'

'Yes, but I wouldn't sleep with her.'

'Oh, bullshit!'

'Lisa, do you honestly think I would jeopardise our marriage for a one-night stand with another woman?'

'Not just another woman! The sexiest woman on the planet!'

'She's not sexier than you.'

'Oh, fuck off!'

Lisa hurled the cover aside and leapt out of bed. She turned and glared at her husband.

'You are so full of shit!' she cried.

Before he could respond, Lisa marched out of the room and went into the bathroom. Through the open bedroom door, Charlie could hear the scrape of the little bolt.

'For goodness sake,' he muttered.

Charlie and Lisa had made it a practice not to lock the bathroom door. Lisa wanted an open-door policy when their children were small so that they wouldn't learn shame when it came to what she saw as normal bodily functions. Charlie was more inclined to the view that the need for privacy was more important—a view Lisa took seriously herself albeit it to a lesser degree—and she had suggested they try the open-door policy while it was still just the two of them. Charlie thought that was fair and, after a few weeks, he had to admit that he was getting used to it. Of course, the downside was that when Lisa did lock the bathroom door, it meant something.

Charlie sat up in bed and heard the occasional sounds, like water running and teeth being brushed. Eventually, he heard the door being unlocked and Lisa came into the bedroom wearing her bathrobe. Her face was scrubbed clean and her hair tied back in a ponytail. She got in on her side of the bed still wearing the bathrobe and kept her eyes on the foot of the bed. There was a moment of extremely uncomfortable silence.

'Are you upset with me?' said Charlie.

'What do you think?'

'I think it's very unfair. I'm the one who should be upset.'

'It was a joke, Charlie.'

'So breaking your marriage vows is something to joke about?'

'Jesus wept! Just how big is that stick up your arse?'

'Look, I just hate the thought of you having sex with another man!'

'Charlie, what are the chances I would even get to meet Ryan Gosling, let alone shag him?'

'That's not the point!' said Charlie. 'I agree that the odds of you hooking up with Ryan Gosling are maybe a thousand-to-one.'

'A million-to-one, I'd say!'

'Okay, let's say a million-to-one. But that still means if you were presented with that million-to-one chance to sleep with him ... you'd take it. Right?'

Lisa sat with her arms folded, looking at her husband with a guarded expression. You could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. Eventually, she slowly nodded.

'All right...' she said. 'All right, I see your point. Yes, there is a one-in-a-million chance that I will cheat on you with Ryan Gosling. "You got me." What do you want to do about it?'

'What do you mean?'

'Do you want a divorce?'

'Don't be silly!'

'Why is that silly? I've just admitted that I wouldn't be one hundred percent, ultra-faithful under absolutely every single circumstance known to man ... whereas you would be! That Margot Robbie could strip naked and open her legs on a bed made of money and you would still say no! Right?'

'Lisa, why are you making me out to be the Bad Guy?'

'What do you mean, Charlie? I'm the one who is apparently unable to keep her legs together!'

'You're deliberately blowing this out of proportion.'

'Oh right!' said Lisa with a sarcastic laugh. 'You turn an offhand remark about Ryan Gosling into proof that I would drop my knickers at the drop of a hat, and I'm the one who's blowing things out of proportion?'

'You know that's not what I said!'

'Oh, get lost!'

Lisa jumped out of bed a second time and grabbed her pillow. Charlie sat and watched as she went to the cupboard and pulled out the spare duvet and sheets.

'What are you doing?' he said.

'I'm sleeping on the couch!'

'Oh, come on! Let's talk about this!'

'I don't want to talk about it!'

Lisa stood with armfuls of bedding and turned to the man in the bed.

'I'm sorry to break it to you, Charlie,' she said, 'but you're not the sexiest man in the world. Now I thought you might have known that already, but apparently not!'

'It's not about that!' said Charlie.

'Oh, really!?'

'No! I don't care what the world thinks! I just want to be the sexiest man to you.'

'Wait ... so you want me to literally see you as the sexiest man in the world?'

'Lisa, why would you marry me if I wasn't?'

'Charlie, are you nuts?'

'Why is that "nuts"? That's how I feel about you!'

Lisa was speechless. She stared at him, her arms still clutching the piles of bedding, her expression going from anger to something resembling horror. She blinked and looked down. When she spoke, her voice was quiet and nervous.

'I'll see you tomorrow,' she said.

And with that, she left the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind her.

***

Lisa left early for work the next morning and arrived home in the early evening. Charlie was already sitting at the dining table, working on his laptop. Lisa frowned.

'I thought it was your turn to cook?' she said.

'I wanted to wait until you got home.'

Charlie saved what he was working on and closed the laptop.

'Just a sec,' said Lisa. 'There's something I want you to have.'

Lisa sat down at the table opposite her husband and put her big red bag on her lap. She opened it, rummaged around and brought out a blue plastic-wrapped box and put it on the table. The white text announced twenty 'top quality latex condoms, extra thin for sensitivity'.

'What the fuck's this?' said Charlie.

'They're condoms.'

'I can see that! But since when are we not starting a family?'

'I need more time.'

'And you're just going to decide that on your own?'

'Are you saying it's not my decision to make?'

Charlie's jaw clamped shut as he struggled with that one. He did believe that a man shouldn't force a woman to get pregnant against her will, but still ... he did not like the way Lisa was handling this. However, Charlie knew from experience that criticising her way of handling things would get him nowhere, so he forced himself to stay calm.

'When we got married,' he said, 'we said that we would discuss everything as a couple.'

'Yes, but that was before I discovered you were such a control freak.'

'How am I a control freak?'

Lisa leaned forwards and looked him in the eye.

'Men like Ryan Gosling,' she said, 'are at the top of the Sexy Man Tree, and every woman with a normal sex drive will want to have sex with him. That's just a fact of life. But what you want to do is to somehow rewire my brain so that I don't feel that way anymore! In fact, I reckon that you want me to put you on top of the Sexy Man Tree! Don't you?'

'No, it's...' Charlie's face scrunched up as he tried to think. 'I don't see it like that.'

'How do you see it?'

'Look, I'm not trying to say I'm sexier than Ryan Gosling! And I don't even want to be at the top of the "Sexy Man Tree".'

'Bullshit! Every man wants that!'

'Well, I don't!' said Charlie. 'What I want is for there to be no Sexy Man Tree!'

'What, you think after you get married, it just disappears into thin air?'

'Well, it did for me!'

Charlie leaned on the table and looked at his wife.

'Listen, before I met you,' he said, 'I had a "Sexy Woman Tree" too. And not just with movie stars. It was girls I fancied, which one was more beautiful than another one, all that kind of thing. But when I met you and realised that I wanted to marry you ... it was like I cut down the tree. The day you agreed to marry me was the happiest day of my life, and after that day it wasn't relevant which women were sexy anymore! Okay, it was relevant when I was looking for a wife ... but it's not relevant now that I've found you. Do you see what I'm saying?'

Lisa stared at Charlie, looking utterly miserable. He suddenly had a very bad feeling.

'You don't feel the same way, do you?' he said.

'It's not that, Charlie...'

'What is it then?'

'Look, do you honestly believe that me and Ryan Gosling would ever actually hook up?'

'It's the principle, Lisa!'

'What "principle"?'

'That you want to sleep with another man!'

'Charlie, you're being so insecure, it's pathetic!'

'Is it?' he said. 'Look, I get that Ryan Gosling is so far out of your reach that it's a joke...'

Lisa's mouth dropped open, aghast.

'...but what about the new guy at work who "kind of reminds you" of Ryan Gosling? That's not so far out of your reach, is it?'

'Yes, but I would never do that, Charlie!'

'Why not? You've already told me you have a "Sexy Man Tree" in your head. If you meet a man who's a couple of branches above me and you get the opportunity, what would stop you?'

'Because I'm married?'

'Oh, so you'd want to do it, but you'd stop yourself because you're married?'

'Well ... isn't that how...?'

Lisa rocked back on her chair, her fists clenched. She glared at Charlie and pointed an accusing finger.

'You're just the same!' she cried.

'No, I'm not.'

'Do you really expect me to believe that a man with your sex drive would turn down a woman like Margot Robbie?'

'Yes, because I would.'

'Bullshit!'

'It's not bullshit,' said Charlie. 'Because there's something I want more than having sex with Margot Robbie.'

'Oh, what?! Sex with "me"?!'

'No, not that.'

'What, then?'

'A happy marriage with a wife who loves me and some beautiful children.'

Lisa flinched as though Charlie had slapped her. Her face went bright red and it took her a moment to regain her composure.

'Look, Charlie...' she said. 'Obviously, I want that too...'

'Then why did you buy these condoms?'

'Look, I ... I just need more time.'

'And we're back to square one!'

Charlie gave a snort of disgust and got up, the chair scraping the floor. Lisa stared at him.

'Where are you going?' she said.

'To make dinner,' he said. 'I loathe cooking, but compared to continuing this conversation, it feels like a holiday.'

'You started this, you know!'

'Well, I didn't know I was married to a teenage girl who still dreams of shagging her favourite heartthrob.'

'Every woman has dreams like that!'

'If that's true, that's a pretty sad comment on women.'

Charlie walked out of the room into the kitchen. He was busy putting the pots out when he heard the slam of the front door. He was sad to realise that he actually felt relieved.

***

Charlie got a text from Lisa telling him that she was at her friend Janet's. He was in two minds about that. On the one hand, the two women were probably having a good old bitch session about what a terrible husband he was and how he ought to be more understanding of women. On the other hand, the fact that Lisa let him know where she was—and that he believed her—was a good sign that they weren't too far gone.

Was he being oversensitive about this issue?

Part of him thought yes. Charlie googled Ryan Gosling and saw that the actor was happily married to actress Eva Mendes and that they had two children together. Charlie loved Lisa, but looking at those Hollywood photos—especially those of Ms Mendes—he began to think his wife's odds of a million-to-one were probably optimistic. But in a way, Ryan Gosling was the kind of man Charlie aspired to be, albeit for completely different reasons than Lisa.

But Charlie was still disturbed by the whole concept of Lisa's 'Sexy Man Tree'. If Ryan Gosling was at the top, where was Charlie Burns? Halfway up? Three-quarters? High up enough to satisfy Lisa's hypergamy? Charlie had been under the illusion that Lisa loved him in the same way that he loved her, but now he had serious doubts. He remembered a 'joke' by Chris Rock—'A woman will only love a man to the degree to which he can facilitate her dreams'—and Charlie began to go through his memories of his relationship with Lisa to see whether this applied to her.

It was a discomforting exercise. He began to see a pattern: whenever he did things to make Lisa happy, she would 'love' him—that is to say, she would smile at him, show affection, want sex, engage in all the ways in which a woman expresses love. But if Charlie did things that displeased her—or, more commonly, he failed to do things that she thought he ought to do—the love would vanish. There were no smiles, no affection, no sex, nothing. She would turn cold and not want him to touch her. Whereas if Lisa did something that pissed Charlie off, such as when she accidentally broke his old tennis trophy after he'd specifically told her not to touch it, he was expected to put his anger to one side and give her a big hug.

It was about ten o'clock when Charlie heard the front door being unlocked. He was in the living room on the couch and he heard her call out his name from the hallway.

'I'm in here,' he said.

Lisa came in looking tired and a little abashed. She was still wearing her work clothes—smart casual jacket and long skirt—but she kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the couch next to him. She looked fixedly at his shirt collar, avoiding his gaze.

'Can I put my head in your lap?' she said.

Charlie knew a peace offering when he saw one. He opened his arms and Lisa lay down, curled up on her side, her head in his lap facing the room. Charlie put one hand on her shoulder and stroked her hair with his other hand.

'How were things with Janet?' he said.

'She gave me a real telling off.'

'Really?'

'Oh, yes. She took your side on a lot of things.'

Charlie was surprised. He thought women would stick together on principle.

'Like what?' he said.

'Like dumping a box of condoms in front of you,' said Lisa. 'She agreed with you that we should have discussed it first. She said, "Don't you trust Charlie to listen to you and take your feelings seriously?" I said, "Yes, of course." Then she said, "Then why would you do something like that?" '

Lisa put her hand on Charlie's leg.

'You would have listened to me, wouldn't you?' she said.

'Of course I would.'

'Okay, I'm sorry. I should have trusted you. Please forgive me.'

Charlie ran his fingers through her hair and he gave her shoulder a squeeze. Lisa sighed and hugged his leg, making herself comfortable. Charlie really loved this closeness and he felt reluctant to say anything which might spoil it. Still, he had to know.

'What did Janet think about the whole Ryan Gosling thing?' he said.

'She agreed with me that, even after you're married, it's normal to find other people attractive,' she said. 'Especially movie stars, who become stars precisely because of how attractive they are. But she also said it was stupid of me to bring it up while you and I were literally trying to make a baby. She said, "How would you like it if Charlie compared you to an impossibly attractive woman in an intimate moment like that?" And I have to say, I didn't think of that. So I want to apologise for that too. I'm sorry, Charlie.'

'Okay.'

'And, for the record, I really do want to be happily married with a man who loves me and some beautiful children. You're not the only one in this relationship who wants to make that dream come true.'

Charlie said nothing as he continued to caress his wife's hair. He had no doubt that Lisa wanted to have children and a beautiful home and a loving husband who would take good care of her. But did they agree on what it would take to make that happen? Charlie believed that you couldn't love and honour your spouse and harbour a secret wish to fuck your favourite movie star. But he suspected that, deep in the back of Lisa's mind, she believed she could do both. She might even believe that if a one-in-a-million circumstance arose where she could actually make her dream come true, that she would be entitled to have both.

Lisa was squeezing his thigh and moving her head on his lap. Charlie was starting to get a hard-on. He heard Lisa sigh in that sexy way of hers and her whole body began to move and squirm. Her hand made its way to his waist and began to undo his belt. Charlie knew what was going to happen in a few seconds and after that there would be no more conversation.

'Lisa, wait...'

'I don't want to wait.'

'We need to talk.'

'And I want to make a baby. Right now.'

Charlie's hard-on went from half-mast to fully erect. He had to pull at his pants to stop his cock being bent downwards. Lisa saw his arousal and knelt up, unbuttoning the top of her blouse, then pulling the whole thing off over her head, her bra following in record time. Suddenly, her pale breasts with those beautiful pink nipples were bouncing in front of Charlie's fascinated gaze. Lisa took hold of one of her tits and gave it a squeeze.

'Charlie...' she said coyly. 'I think I'm already pregnant.'

Charlie stared at her. Lisa came over and pushed her smooth breast onto his mouth.

'Tell me, Charlie...' she said. 'Do you feel any milk coming out?'

There was no milk, but Charlie sucked her tit anyway, his tongue running over her nipple. He knew now there would be no more talk. And all those unanswered questions—about the Sexy Man Tree, about what Lisa's love was actually based on, about whether she actually believed in marriage the way he did—all those would be rendered forbidden topics the moment he ejaculated into her pussy. Lisa would say—with justification—that Charlie should have addressed these doubts before cumming inside her and getting her pregnant.