All Comments on 'The Saga of Jerry-Josey-Tracy'

I don't usually comment, but I am hoping that you take the comments as constructive rather than as a slam.

1) Please don't feel as an author you need to dazzle the reader with vocabulary. Time and again in this story it feels like you stopped to reach for the thesaurus. And in doing so, the words while grammatically correct don't match the moment you are trying to create.

2) Please write about what you know. Do enough research so that you can write about a topic fluently. It takes but a moment or two for a story to be feel wrong if you have familiarity with a subject and the author gets something obviously wrong. For example, no one in Massachusetts would say they were driving towards 'Boston Center'. It may sound like a detail - but in writing the details matter.

There are other thoughts I was left with but I will stop here.

Thanks for your efforts, there was some good ideas in here that would have been nice with the right editing, and the two points above addressed. Please continue to write, I'm betting your next story is much better.

The elements are present for a very decent story. The mismatched live-in relationship. That he experiences the high in career success just as he is abandoned by his love interest. The problem to solve: how to have his personal life match outward success….My problems with it start with the child’s imagination quality of the adult relationships: The mother’s perfect matchmaking. The nerd who has a secret weapon in that he is secretly—no, not a quadruple black belt…nor a former Navy Seal…no actually—instead, he is a very capable dancer. But that wasn’t good enough, so he is a world class dancer….Then, there is the real problem: that once the new couple-to-be meet, there is no tension—just a fairy tale ending; they are instantly the two intended—as if with Fate’s blessing. There is no hint of tension or problems—everything just fall into place. This is too simplistic and boring. So, I say: good elements, bad storytelling. Plus, the dialogue is stilted and occasionally smarmy....I guess I am being tough. But only because you show some real ability.