The Saga of Kurt and Kim Pt. 04

Kim found my dating app, checked my profile, and discovered Joyce. She copied Joyce's contact information and returned my cell phone quietly enough that I had no idea what had happened. The next day she called Joyce, identified herself as my girlfriend, and warned her that I wasn't available for another relationship.

Goodbye Joyce.

That was the end of the saga of Kurt and Kim. I seethed for a few days, and I considered going back to give her a whipping - and fucking - she'd never forget. But by then I realized that I'd gone much too far with Kim. I'd done too many things I was ashamed of. So I never saw her again.

I shut down my profile on the dating app. My behavior has been so disturbing I'm afraid to date anyone else. My unresolved feelings about Kim never went away, so after a few weeks I decided I had to talk to a therapist. I never want to strike a woman in anger again. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not sure I'm fit for any woman.

Am I?

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"I can tell you've thought about this a lot," Dr. O'Connor said. "Have these sessions helped you form any conclusions?"

"I guess so," I said. "I don't feel like such a big monster anymore. That's how I felt before I started therapy. I still feel terrible about some of the things I did, but the main feeling I have is worry that it might happen again."

"Have you ever hit a woman before?" she said.

"Never. I've had a few girlfriends who enjoyed being spanked, but that was different."

"Do you have any other history of violence?"

"No. When I was a kid I fought other kids when they attacked me. I never fought unless it was self defense."

"That's what I thought you'd say," Dr. O'Connor said. "Can you think of any reason why you might feel insecure about yourself?" she asked.

That stumped me. I couldn't think of a thing.

"No. There's no reason," I said.

"What about the fact that you had just been through a divorce?" she asked. "Didn't that make you reflect on the mistakes you made in that relationship?"

I hadn't made that connection. "Yes. That's true. I did reflect on my mistakes. I still do," I said.

"Is it possible that the fact that you'd failed to keep your marriage alive made you question yourself in other ways? You don't need to answer that right now. Just think about it."

Dr. O'Connor searched through my file and pulled out one page of notes. "Kurt, you don't display any symptoms of psychiatric pathology. You are not schizophrenic. You are not depressed. You are not bipolar. You don't have a personality disorder. You aren't on the autism spectrum. When I go through the list of mental conditions that might cause violent outbursts, you don't have any of them. It's absolutely clear that what happened was an aberration. The fact that you are concerned about it supports the notion that you aren't going to do it again.

"There's one thing that troubles me. You are making a very common mistake. People tend to think they are in complete control of their behavior. We think of ourselves as completely rational beings who are responsible for everything we do.

"The reality is that we are animals. In many ways, we are like chimpanzees with big vocabularies. Much of what we do stems from rewards and punishments we've experienced.

"It's clear that you and Kim trained yourself to behave the way you did. When you spanked Kim, she responded in a way you liked. She rewarded you. When you whipped her, when you slapped her, she rewarded you again. When you introduced her to anal sex, she gave you another reward. She rewarded you when you got angry.

"You have no control over the fact that you respond to rewards and punishments. It's part of what it means to be alive. There's a long, sad history of powerful individuals and governments punishing people for being human. That's what you're doing now. Give yourself a break.

"The last thing I want to say is that you keep using the word 'violence' to describe your behavior. I haven't said anything until now, but that's the wrong word. When a person wants you to slap them, and you know it gives them pleasure, that's not violence. What actually happened is that you went down a path that led to a dark place. Now you know where that path leads. I'm sure you can avoid going that far in the future."

She closed my file and looked me in the eye. "It's my opinion that you should continue to think about the issues we talked about here, but that you don't need any more therapy. Do you agree?"

I wasn't expecting that question, but it made sense. "Yes, I guess I agree. I think we've covered it. I don't feel worried anymore. Does this mean I can start dating again?"

She smiled. "Yes, Kurt. Feel free to date again. You deserve to be happy. Just because things went sour with Kim doesn't mean it will happen again.

"Just one more thing. There's something I'd like to talk about with you. I haven't said anything until now because it isn't something you need to think about for your therapy. Now that you are no longer my patient, I think it's an appropriate subject for discussion. Would it be alright if we met one more time?"

The question caught me off guard. I didn't know what Dr. O'Connor could be talking about, but I didn't object to the idea. "Sure," I said. "I'll be back here next week."

"If you don't mind, I'd rather meet somewhere else," she said. "Since this has nothing to do with your therapy, it would be better if we didn't meet at the office. Could we meet at the coffee shop in the plaza across the street? Would that be alright?"

"OK," I said.

"You've done a lot of thinking and remembering over the last several weeks," she said. "Why don't you spend the next week going over it in your mind? Let those ideas marinate for a while. When we get together next week we can talk about some thoughts I have about your experience."

Does this sound weird? It seemed weird to me. But I felt Dr. O'Connor had helped me a lot, so I wanted to hear whatever she had to say. Besides, I felt attracted to her, and I wasn't happy that the end of my therapy meant I wouldn't see her again. I know it's common for patients to be attracted to their therapists - there's even a label for it: transference. I was aware of the attraction but ignored it. I felt it was just one more sign that I was lonely and needed romance. I knew I needed a deeper intimacy than I had with Kim.

I showed up on time the next week, and so did Dr. O'Connor. We found a booth in the corner and started to talk.

"As you described your experience with Kim, it reminded me of some things I've experienced over the years," she said. "I didn't mention any of it because I didn't want to interfere with the therapeutic process, and I didn't feel it was appropriate for a doctor to discuss such things with a patient. Now that you're not my patient, there's no problem with this conversation.

"One thing I wanted to tell you is that I felt very sorry for Kim as you described her situation. It's sad that she's had such unsatisfying relationships with men. It's sad that she had a chance to have a better relationship with you, but she ruined that. Kim is her own worst enemy. People like that deserve to be happy, but they behave in ways that make that impossible.

"As you described her circumstances, there's one thing I identified with," Dr. O'Connor said. "Kim had many relationships, but none of them were satisfying in a lasting way. Lots of men had a chance to satisfy her in bed, but none of them managed to give her a decent orgasm until you came along. What was the word you used to describe those guys? You called them knuckleheads. That's the right word.

"All Kim's previous boyfriends were too selfish, lazy, or stupid to figure out how to satisfy her as a woman. Until you. You are the first man she met who made an effort to give her what all women need.

"I haven't dated nearly as many men as Kim. But every man I've known has been a knucklehead. It's very discouraging. I've dated men who are handsome, educated, successful, and hopeless in bed. Outwardly, they seemed perfect in every way, but they just didn't know or care about anything except satisfying their own needs. I've become so discouraged that I haven't even tried to date anyone for a few years now.

"As you described all the effort you devoted to finding better ways to satisfy Kim, I felt jealous. That's so different from my experience. If I met a man who did that for me, I wouldn't react the way Kim did. I'd do my best to make him happy and want to stay.

"What I'm saying is that when you walked into my office, I didn't know at first that I was finally meeting a man who possesses the qualities I've looked for my entire adult life. I admire your decision to stop dating until you handled your unresolved feelings about your relationship with Kim. I am sure that most men wouldn't care enough to talk about such intimate details with a therapist.

"Kurt, by now you must have figured out that I'd like to have a relationship with you. I have no way of knowing if that's something you'd consider, but I'd like to try."

This whole conversation felt surreal. Women have flirted with me in the past, but never like this. Dr. O'Connor was a very beautiful woman and I'd felt attraction since the moment we met, but the idea of dating her seemed so preposterous I never thought about it.

"This is . . . a surprise," I said. "I've always thought you were an interesting and attractive woman, but I know it's common for patients to develop feelings for their therapists. I just dismissed those feelings."

"Admittedly, this is awkward," she said. "It took a lot of courage for me to talk about this with you.

"In our meetings you've done all the talking and I've done all the listening, so I know more about you than you know about me. What I'm asking is that you try to get to know me well enough to decide if I'm someone you'd want in your life."

This day was turning out to be unexpectedly wonderful.

"The short answer is yes," I said. "I've already told you how lonely I am. For a long time, I've wondered if I could ever find a girlfriend who isn't crazy. You seem pretty sane to me.

"There's something I'm reluctant to say, but since we're talking anyway I'll just blurt it out. You might be the sexiest woman I've ever met. You have an elegant beauty that I've thought about a lot over the last few weeks. I wish I knew more about you than how gorgeous you are, but that seems like a good place to start."

She smiled. "Thank you, Kurt. I realized a while ago that you seem to know how to make a girl feel good. It's nice to be on the receiving end of that." She paused. I could tell she wanted to say something else.

"I hadn't planned to mention this, but there's something else," she said. "Something happened to me during your therapy sessions. When you described all the things you did while you were looking for ways to make Kim happy, I got aroused. I've never done any of those things. I never imagined I'd want to, but now I can't stop thinking about them.

"Let me be clear. I have no interest in doing anything painful. I have no interest in being degraded. No. No no no no no. But a lot of the other things you described sound . . . interesting. I've never been with a man who had the courage to try any of those things with me.

"And I can't stop thinking about the fact that you made Kim discover there were more ways to arouse her than she'd ever suspected," she said. Dr. O'Connor leaned forward and whispered. "If a man ever did that for me, I'd be his slave forever."

She sat back in the booth. "God, I can't believe I said that out loud. Kurt, there's no way to describe how much courage it's taking for me to talk about this with you. I hope you realize how far I am outside my comfort zone."

This whole conversation was doing amazing things for my ego. It reminded me of how I felt with Kim when we'd do something that satisfied her more than any other man.

"I'm not sure how to get started," I said. "I can't keep calling you Dr. O'Connor. What should I call you?"

She smiled again. I was becoming very fond of that smile. I hadn't seen it during our therapy sessions.

"My given name is Elizabeth, but everyone except my parents call me Liz. I think I'd like for you to call me Liz when other people are around, but I'd rather you'd call me something else when we're alone.

"I'd like you to call me your bitch. I'd want it to be something nice, like little bitch, or sexy bitch, or sweet bitch. I wouldn't want to be called dirty bitch or nasty bitch. But the idea of being your bitch is such a turn-on that I'd like to try it."

That was when I noticed something interesting. She wasn't wearing a bra. Liz wore an elegant white silk blouse that revealed her nipples were hard as two little diamonds poking against the fabric. I suspected she wasn't wearing panties, either.

"I could call you my bitch if that's what you'd like," I said. "Are you sure?"

"Yes Sir," she said.