The Saga of Tallia the Unwilling Ch. 02

Disclaimer: Everyone is over eighteen. If you are not deeply into fantasy pulp fiction, gender fluidity and pansexuality, you are in the wrong place. This chapter features river pirates who are obviously faux-Koreans. I am definitely not implying that Koreans or the Vietnamese or Asians or anybody are all pirates or thieves or anything moronic like that. These are criminals. All cultures, countries and continents have them. Never doubt, Korea is awesome. Bulgogi, alone, is one of the greatest, yummiest gifts any culture has ever given to the world. Gods on high and in hell, now your author needs some damn take out!

BEHOLD! I, Thutmose-Neferkare, royal scribe, chief librarian and high priest of the divine Ra who even though he could scorch the whole world with a word, chooses not to for, yay, he is a fine falcon-headed fellow, do welcome you back to the second scroll in "The Saga of Tallia the Unwilling". Even though we have not yet invented pages, know ye that this one is a real page-turner full of gory violence, most graphic sex and gender fluid fun. Verily, that is how we like it, here at the Temple of Ra!

I hath also noted that some of you didst read the first scroll and left neither comment nor review. Yay, do you not know how much this doth anger both I, the exalted Thutmose-Neferkare, and the almighty Ra? Just yesterday He came unto me and bespoke, "Lo, my most faithful priest and chosen one, my anger is as the rising sun! Do these layabouts not know that if they do not rise from their place of resting and opine unto us their most felicitous feedback and feelings, that I shall be forced to subject their nether regions to the seven fires of heaven? Yay, my Most Holy, I shall blister their bottoms! See if I won't!" Seriously. Ra hath totally told me that.

I beg of thee, good folk -- spare thyself the wrathful yet righteous fire-spanking of Ra! Readeth this entire scroll which I think ye shall find both morally, spiritually and (frankly) sexually stimulating. Yes, of course, first find thy own pleasure and personal appreciation of this most lurid tale. And maybe even thereafter, go forth from thy sacred couch and even make unto thyself a worthy snack or perhaps a lovely beverage. But then, once this be done, fail not to return here forthwith and carve thy musings upon the Wall of Thoth most forthrightly and honestly (to a point -- remember that I am a priest of most delicate sensibilities). Do this I pray thee, for thus alone shall the high priest know that his translation is appreciated and not cast, unheeded, into a cold and uncaring void.

Yay, let it be written! Yay, let it be done!

Chapter Two: The Quest for A Dick

Tallia and Hilarius left town at midday and spared no words of camaraderie or conviviality to anyone in Zhang Zhen. Even though they likely had saved this settlement from eradication by the merciless horned monster-bear, they had made no friends here (other than a single surprisingly appreciative whore). They were regarded by the majority of the rice farmers as the lesser of two evils, but evils nonetheless. Costly mercenaries who bankrupted the town were deemed only slightly better than murderous monsters, it seemed. Perhaps that they spent so much of their gains here in the same town might make them slightly better regarded than typical hirelings, but gratitude was a scarce commodity here in the Rice Lands of Dao.

Travel here was not the easiest of prospects. The Rice Lands were anything but level. These were jagged hill lands at the base of great mountains far too distant to actually see. The hills rose abruptly here and there emerging from the land like scars. In those ancient days, much of the Rice Lands was not yet tamed and through farm terraces were no great rarity, there were also still forests of bamboo and briar tangled amongst and atop those hills.

The Rice Lands were also anything but dry. This was the land of countless rivers that wove amongst the rises, terraces and hills. The rivers here formed almost a net of tributaries, streams and channels. A skilled boatman could navigate this tangle and go almost anywhere at certain times of year. Our two travelers though had neither boat nor such knowledge and so stuck to the often primitive roads.

The pair travelled by foot for fifteen long and tiring days, traversing quickly these crude roads that cut through the rough bamboo-choked hills and joined one farm community to the next. Hilarius the Swift had always been fleet of foot and Tallia now found her own newly acquired Amazonian endurance near boundless, so they made good time. If anything impeded their progress, it was their horse.

Bradus the Less Than Swift moved at what can only be charitably called a thoughtful pace. Still, loaded with water and gear, the pack animal remained essential and besides Hilarius had come to regard the beast as the third member of their company. The rogue, usually quick to laugh at any jest, did not find Tallia's affectionate nickname for the beast of 'emergency rations' funny in the least. Thus Tallia used this jest often.

As for shelter, they were too bereft of coin to afford any inns or way houses and besides, those were scarce in these parts. They had neither tent nor pavilion and that meant that they were camping out in the open weather. Fortunately, the gods smiled on them and the weather proved pleasant enough. They were rained on only a few times and that briefly, gently and not as they slept. That was most unusual for this country in this season.

Their reception by the local farmers, though, was almost uniformly less than friendly. Tallia understood why. This entire region was neglected by its far-off rulers and bandits ran rampant. This tangle of hills made perfect cover and the great river net made travel as easy for pirates as for farmers and honest traders. Armed travelers were easily mistaken for thieves and more often than not, there was no mistake. Oft when they spoke with the locals, the farmers brandished drawn bows or bronze-bladed pitchforks. It only emphasized that there was nothing for them here and that they needed to keep moving.

They were only received well in one village. There, a wide-eyed headman took one look at Tallia, ordered everyone to lower their arms and proposed marriage on the spot. Hilarius of course thought this uproariously funny and began negotiating with the man for the dowry. Hilarius was up to twelve cows, a hut with three rooms and a necklace of jade when a not-laughing Tallia dragged the rogue out of town and back onto the road. It seemed thus to Hilarius that adequate revenge for the 'emergency rations' jape was doled out. The headman was of course heart broken and followed them, crying forth pledges of love, for almost half a league.

Food was a constant concern. The small store they had at journey's start didn't last three days even with harsh rationing. They had no silver nor even gear they were willing to part with, so they couldn't trade. There was no one they met willing to pay for sell-swords, so they could earn no coin. And without trade nor coin they couldn't buy a bow, so hunting was near impossible.

Tallia did find a solution. She hewed a spear out of bamboo and used it to skewer a scrawny feral pig one night. Hilarius found some small golden-yellow mushrooms growing from a log that he insisted were non-poisonous. The rogue was thankfully soon proven right. These meager rations of stone-seared pork and mushrooms got them through, though sometimes only just.

Regardless of all this, the adventurous duo were in fine spirits on their sojourn. Yes, they were destitute. Yes, the food was in perilously short supply. Yes, they had not a friend in the world save each other (and loyal, plodding Bradus). But they had faced those same perils many times before and always together. And if the gods simply wanted them dead, it seemed to the two travelers that they had already had ample opportunity to end their lives. Clearly, there was some sort of weird destiny unfolding ahead of them. They were however eager to get out of these endless rice terraces and to someplace, frankly, more exciting.

They made their way swiftly towards exactly that -- the raucous riverport of Denggang. It was far larger than the rice farms they had been trekking through, but much more perilous. The town was famous for having once been the stronghold of river pirates, but these days, every traveler they met assured them, that sordid past was only a memory. But as Tallia and Hilarius entered the riverport, they were both immediately certain they had been lied to.

They walked into town leading their horse just a few hours before sunset. All about them was the swell and stir of humanity. Jugglers and acrobats busked for coin. Criers declared that the finest silks in all the land could be had at Seo-Jun the silk merchant. Dark-eyed harlots dressed only in scandalous girdles beckoned from the balconies of houses of ill repute. Street vendors hawked skewers of fire-kissed spiced meat, river fish roasted with herbs, grilled flat breads and bowls of steaming noodles. The smells of the food stalls only emphasized that the travelers had not partaken in a proper meal in almost three days.

On the river itself, barges and house boats swarmed the port in countless number and variety, their bright sails turning the estuary into a riot of color. Rarely a hulking square-sailed sea junk could be seen as well, coming through the mouth of the river away from the open sea and pulling alongside a waiting dock. Hilarius immediately loved the place. Tallia was, as always, a bit more circumspect.

"This town is a wonder!" proclaimed Hilarius.

"This town looks like the finest place I've ever seen for getting a knife in the back," said Tallia, appraising the riverside ramshackle of taverns, brothels, gambling halls, docks and trading houses.

"More dangerous than the Rat Ward at Yaath'Xin? Worse than the Ludus of Lord Khaizan? No, my friend, we've been subjected to far worse. Anyways, I must confess a crime I have kept from you. I happen to be in possession of a small ring of gold I lifted off that impolite magistrate from three villages back."

"The one who threatened to hang us if we dared step foot in his shabby little pothole of a town?"

"The very same. I simply could not let such rudeness go unpunished and when he started officiously thumping on my chest and lecturing us about 'we know how to deal with thieves here', well, it became something of a moral imperative." That did make Tallia chuckle.

"Anyways," Hilarius continued, "let's see if we can hock the trinket for enough cash to get some supper and a jug of the local hooch. And then we can look for work. Any place this dangerous has to have some market for sell-swords."

Tallia cocked an eyebrow as the rogue almost magically produced the small hoop of gold from seemingly nowhere with a flourish of his hand. The Amazon said nothing, only giving the slightest of nods to the plan. Hilarius, of course, interpreted this gesture to mean, 'Oh, yes, my dear Hilarius. That's a most well-conceived and amazing plan and you are a genius for suggesting it. Also, I have come in recent days to find you almost unbearably attractive. Wait till we are alone together, oh dearest friend, oh Prince of Thieves and I shall properly show you how a sexy, cursed Amazon like myself expresses her abundant gratitude.'

What Tallia actually meant was closer to, 'Fine, but if you bring down on us the wrath of the local law, I'm probably going to let them hang you.'

Both of these meanings were, of course, utter bullshit.

The pair tied their dray horse to a post and Tallia retrieved her helm and shield, not daring to leave the prized bronze out on the street in this squalid place. She was wearing the rest of her armor for exactly the same reason despite the sweltering heat and devilish humidity.

The pair entered one of the larger river-side establishments hoping that size might imply permanency and thus a lessened chance of getting robbed. As the adventurers walked inside the nameless tavern and trading post, Tallia realized that this assumption was deadly wrong. Various stores and almost certainly stolen goods were stacked everywhere near the front for trade. And against the far wall was a long slab of hard black wood that passed for a bar. Behind that was a mean looking fat fellow who had pierced his lips twice with spikes of ivory and covered himself in red tattoos to give others the impression he was some sort of tusked demon-ogre of legend. Altogether, the costume was quite convincing.

Besides the rough barkeep, there were also more than two dozen men whose only uniform was a dirty black turban. They immediately stopped their jabbering, boasting, drinking and gambling to watch intently and silently as the duo entered. The men in the turbans had gone to some trouble with their combination of tattoos, tattered clothing and wicked armament to convey, 'Hello! I am a ruthless river pirate.'

Tallia immediately wanted to leave and try any place else. Hilarius on the other hand simply let out a low whistle and said, "Nice place!" before stepping up to the bar. He slapped the gold ring down and said, in his best stab at the local lingo, "Good evening, barkeep, I need to attend to a bit of quiet business. I have a ring of purest gold I'd like to exchange for local currency. How much will you give me for this exquisite treasure?"

What he actually said, as far as both the bandits and the tusked barkeep were concerned, was "Good evening, barkeep, I am incredibly stupid, new in town and will not be missed if you kill me and dump me in the nearby river. I am going to show you that I possess the first actual gold you desperate thugs have seen in some weeks. My companion and I are in most urgent need of both being robbed and, yes, raped. Please take our gold and then I would appreciate if you would all, in turn, use both our bottoms most vigorously and in order of gang seniority."

"Wait!" came a bellow from one of the larger and more impressively tattooed bandits bedecked in an only slightly cleaner black turban. Hilarius assumed that 'wait' meant 'hold off on that transaction'. The bandit actually meant, 'Hold off, my brother ruthless river pirates, on the robbing, raping and murdering for just a brief moment. I want to understand what is the deal with these unusual idiots. But fear not we will soon enough take their gold and then take them by force into the back of our establishment to use both their bottoms most vigorously and in order of gang seniority.'

Hilarius smiled as the fellow stood up, though his hand did go to the pommel of one his knives.

"And who might you be, my good friends?" asked the bandit as he approached the pair. "New in town?"

"Ah, where are my manners? I am Hilarius the Swift, called the Jack of Swords, the Bard of Battle, the Writer whose a Fighter and the Poet Who Can Throw It, famed for my triumphant exploits in the arenas and brothels of Yaath'Xin and this is my companion Tallia the... um, Terrible, who is even more famed. Yes. And you are?"

"They call me Monsu Mankiller and this is my humble house. And these are my friends, the feared Black Turban Gang, scourge of the river Deng."

"Wow," responded Hilarius, "well it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, um, Mr. Mankiller is it?"

"Now, you wanted to conduct some business, yes?"

"Straight to point! Exactly!" said the smiling Hilarius.

"Here's my offer," explained the Mankiller. "That's a nice piece of gold you've got there. And that shiny armor and fine blade, they'll fetch a nice price too. If you put all your valuables, nice and slow, on the bar, I have decided to be most generous and let you both walk out of here, alive and unspoiled. You can even have a drink before you go... on the house." Monsu smiled darkly, his mouth a foul mass of broken and missing teeth. The bartender reached for the bottle of drugged wine wondering if these two would actually be stupid enough to accept the drink.

Tallia sighed and donned her great helm and shifted her shield into a ready position even as the Mankiller was still explaining his 'offer'. Honestly, she was not surprised. She had become increasingly certain with every step through the streets of this rundown rathole of a river town that this sort of thing was going to be necessary. There was no way this assortment of pirates, thieves and thugs were ever going to be willing to work with them unless they spilt some blood and established themselves as people not to fuck with. Tallia decided that Monsu Mankiller had just volunteered for the job. She hoped to keep the casualty list confined to only him. This was, of course, wildly optimistic and even a bit naïve.

Tallia drew her sword so quickly that the blade sang as it cut through the air. Two dozen thugs leaped to their feet, brandishing an impressive variety of knives, hooks, hand axes, short swords and machetes. Hilarius also now had a dagger in each hand. Monsu held two wicked looking barbed hatchets at the ready. Hell, even the fat, tusked bartender had put down the drugged wine and was now holding a large spiked club. A grand melee was seconds away, when...

"Wait!" yelled Tallia even as everyone in the bar pointed weapons at one another. This briefly took the bandits off guard. The loud and leonine voice was not something they expected from a woman, even one so unusually tall and armored as this one.

"My name is Tallia the Unwilling," proclaimed the Amazon in the local tongue. "Two weeks hence, I slew the great horned bear that hunted men like dogs in Zhang Zhen and now I wear its pelt. I am the only living soul to both win my freedom in the arena of Yaath'Xin and then, when the mad prince thought he could betray and enslave me anew, to escape anyway. I wield a bright and cursed blade and walk the road of heroes, even though it is a course I never wanted. So what I'm saying, you motherless shit-eating river rats, is do not fuck with me and mine unless you seek death!"

Hilarius didn't even breathe the whole time. He almost (if his hands weren't full of knives) applauded. Monsu Mankiller, though, look less impressed.

"Great speech, sugar tits," he said having lost his smile and replaced it with a surly snarl. "Kill the little one! The bitch is mine!"

Immediately the entire bar erupted into a tumult of violence. Hilarius screamed a high pitched squeal, put two knives deep into the chest of the fat bartender with the spiky club and dove behind the bar just as an intriguingly multicultural assortment of sharp things slammed into the wall above him.

Monsu Mankiller bellowed out a war cry and made a powerful swing with the hatchet in his right hand imbedding it deep into the bronze rim of Tallia's shield. It was a mighty, muscular strike that would have knocked most men off their feet. The Mankiller showed himself to be a skilled killer with that swing. It turned out that he was not in charge of these thugs just because he was tall.

But Tallia wavered not an inch. The Mankiller was wary enough to ready the left hatchet to parry any retaliatory strikes. This too proved a futile stratagem. Tallia lashed out with almost inhuman speed. The magic blade cut through both Monsu's hatchet and his neck with equal ease. The hatchet head fell to the dirty wooden floor with a clatter. The decapitated body of Monsu fell over in front of the Amazon and made a gigantic puddle of blood at her feet.

For one second, everyone in the bar paused to watch the head of Monsu Mankiller fly through the air and land with a grotesque thud on the broad expanse of black wood that was the tavern's bar. His head, quite incredibly, impacted neck down and did not fall over. Monsu's lifeless eyes remained open in astonishment and his tongue hung loose from his smiling but still unappealing mouth. Even his alightly cleaner black turban remained upon his head. Tallia for the briefest of moments, thought, 'That's something I could not have managed on purpose.'