All Comments on 'The Samaritan'

is there another chapter in the offer, to show up the old girl friend & partner.

AAA+++

It was a very enjoyable story. I could certainly tell that English is not your first language but it was easy to follow. I’m American and the British would say I don’t know how to speak English either. So don’t feel bad lol

Charlie

A great story. If English isn't your first language you haven't much to worry about. Yes there were a few words here and there, one example was that you used death instead of dead, and another was Michael attaining meetings when attending was probably the word you wanted, but nothing that really detracted from the story. Chapter 2 or a revised longer version of this story would be good.

They should attend the wedding just to rub the Ex's nose in what she lost!

Really enjoyed it, very sweet. And your English flows well. Thank you

Heartwarming. Loved it. Well written for non-native language. Only suggestion is try to keep verb tenses consistent. Keep writing.

A romatic story based on human kindness, excellent.

I had guessed that English wasn't your first language but you have done a very good job with only a few obvious errors. If someone has been killed they are "dead" and not "death".

I look forward to either another part of this story or perhaps another tale entirely. Please do continue to write.

It was a good first entry, I have to agree with the others, it shouldn't end here.

Some minor errors and the first couple of paragraphs were a little stilted, but when the real story started to flow it was all good.

I do like heartwarming stories such as these and this was a great debut.

I'll make you a deal, if you keep writing stories such as these, I'll keep reading them.

Outstanding effort, and as others have said, you small mistakes with English did not detract from the story. Actually, I think the mistakes helped me see this better as being European based / tied to the Netherlands location described. :-)

The story was well thought out but having it edited would have made it even better

@ Shelleycat1

Thanks for the compliment :)

@ Diecast1 & Anonymous

There’s no other chapter (yet).

I do have some ideas, but I also have a lot of other stories not finished / published yet.

If there’s going to be a sequel that wedding will be attended.

Beyond that there are some interesting questions: is Nicky really the bitch she seems to be, or has malicious Peter tricked her somehow.

And what about those Slovakian thugs?

Will they manage to trace her somehow?

And will a certain Peter maybe play a role in that?

It certainly tickles my creative mind.

Don’t hold your breath though...

@ Anonymous

Regarding the many compliments and suggestions; thank you all.

Regarding the death versus dead issue; I knew that, stupid mistake.

Death is the guy with the scythe, right?

And after he came visiting you’re dead.

Regarding the “verb tenses” issue; that’s a hard one for me probably, I’ll do my best...

@ Charlie

The UK vs USA thing regarding the English language is something I have witnessed exploding on various forums over the years.

That’s a war I’m sure not going to take sides in... LOL

Anyway, I’m going to correct the various issues mentioned; here in the comments and by e-mail (thanks Shelleycat1).

I even found one myself (me me, stupid double word, grumble...).

After I have fixed everything I’m going to wait a bit for any other issues that might turn up in the comments.

Maybe some Russian is going to grill my ass concerning the cursing in Russian.

Who knows…

I’ll blame Google Translate...

Once I’m convinced the majority of issues are fixed I’m going to ask the Admin to change out the story text for an “all new and improved” one.

So which story am I going to get finished and/or ready for publishing next?

Choices choices… dang!

You wrote a great story, I loved it, not being perfect myself I don't expect it from others my writing would be to simple to even post. I like it when love proceeds sex, and sex isn't the only part of the story to draw you in. GREAT JOB FOR THE FIRST TIME, expect you to continue and with that improvement!

Not hardly!! You have done an excellent job and I would love to read a couple of more chapters of this story.

Michael and Natasha should go to that wedding. Natasha should take Nicky aside and tell her, "if you fuck with my HUSBAND again like did with that card, after I have our new baby, I'm gonna twist your head off your worthless neck, GOT IT"? Then, grab Michael and say, "c'mon honey we're going home to the baby, before I hurt her, darling"...

Very good story. Thank you for sharing.

Hey, I just wanted to say that you have talent. Your story reads like a script and that is very different from a short story format. The difference being how the plot is presented. Your story speaks to the actor rather than the reader. The actor needs to understand why characters behave a certain way, think a certain way and speak a certain way so that they can convey this to the audience. This is different from a story where it is the writers responsibility to draw the reader into the world and view the events like a fly on the wall. You describe. Writers show. Playwrites describe because their initial audience is the actor. THEY must show. A story writer must show on their own.

You have a firm grasp on character and plot. You just need to change your style if you wish to write story format. Sadly, I no longer have an account due to harassment. If you want to communicate, just respond and I will reach out. You have promise. -starsong1977

I've read many stories by authors who's native language is supposed to be english...and you've done a much - much better job of it for a first attempt. Enjoyed following your path to the end. Keep writting.

I enjoyed your story and enjoyed the way folks speak and write to a second language

Loved it, congratulations on your first story. Really good characters and the situation was believable. From a selfish point of view I'd love a part two where he shows he's ex how happy he is now. That's always the best revenge.

I admire your ability to write in a second language. Where I live, pretty well everyone speaks English and there is little incentive to learn anything else. My critique is meant to help you become a better writer; I don't mean to trash your first attempt.

I've never written fiction so I have to judge only by what I like or what seems to make me feel comfortable. Perhaps you should have written as if Michael were telling the story: in the first person and the past tense. I think it would have been stronger.

Considering that Michael is supposed to be a successful businessperson, I was jarred by some of the language he used. It didn't match the character I imagined. Occasionally, you used the wrong word, as "to" instead of "too" and in one case you used a trite expression which drew attention from what you were trying to express.

I think there were omissions, like what Michael's business did, that would have added to character development. I would have liked to understand how they grew together rather than just glossing over the time. I wonder why she didn't question him when he started driving out of the city. Most women would have been quite concerned.

Your story isn't perfect but that is to be expected from someone who is writing a first story in a second language. You could use a good editor who could assist you in developing plot, choosing the right words and checking spelling.

I'm sorry if my comments seem negative but I'm trying, in my amateurish way, of trying to steer you onto a better path.

Good first story!

5

First a general remark; if you comment as “anonymous”, and don’t mention a name in your comment, it is difficult for me to reply to that comment.

Regarding my English; I have had the luck of being born in a country where only programs for small children are dubbed in Dutch, everything else is mainly English with Dutch subtitling.

This is the main reason most Dutch people speak some English.

Personally I have also read a huge number of English books, and frequented many hobby related English spoken forums for many years, which is why my English is, for Dutch standards at least, above average.

Regarding some of the story issues mentioned:

“Considering that Michael is supposed to be a successful businessperson, I was jarred by some of the language he used. It didn't match the character I imagined.”

Where did I tell you that he is a successful businessperson?

And what language are you referring to exactly?

“I think there were omissions, like what Michael's business did, that would have added to character development.”

There is a reason I didn’t go into details on this.

That reason is that I don’t know where this story will be going exactly yet.

Only one thing is certain at the moment; if there’s going to be a sequel it isn’t going to be a simple “rubbing his ex’s nose in it and have some more sex.”

If there’s going to be a sequel Michael might need certain yet to determine skills and contacts in order to prevail…

“I would have liked to understand how they grew together rather than just glossing over the time.”

Doing so would have turned it into an awful long story, and I wasn’t trying to write a novel.

I thought I provided enough background to fill in the blanks.

“I wonder why she didn't question him when he started driving out of the city. Most women would have been quite concerned.”

Well, for starters, Natasha wasn’t “most women” anymore.

She said this before going with Michael; “Are you a pimp?” The question takes him by surprise, tears well up from her eyes, “It’s okay,” she says, “I’m out of options. I’ll do whatever I have to. For Mischka.”

At this point she doesn’t really care about herself anymore, her child has become her only priority, her whole universe.

In addition to this it is dark, she’s in a unfamiliar city, and Utrecht is a major hub in the “Randstad”, a largely urbanized area (about 40 by 80 kilometers) holding four major cities and some six million inhabitants.

Even if she would have been paying attention to her surroundings, which she wasn’t, she probably wouldn’t have noticed anything before they had left the city of Utrecht far behind.

And once it does become clear they have left the city behind (the surrounding landscape becoming dark), she does ask where they are going: “Where are you taking us, Michael?” the anxious undertone doesn’t escape him.

Hope that helps…

And again, thanks to everyone, for all the advice and compliments.

@ starsong1977

Thanks for the compliment.

I get your point, but to be honest, I don’t know if I’m even capable of writing in the style you propose, I’m not a native English speaker, remember?

I write this way because I want to paint the best picture possible with the smallest amount of text, and I want for the readers to have a clear picture of the emotions driving the characters.

And this is erotica, so do you want to be the fly on the wall, or do you want to be the actor playing the role?

I'm just wondering...

I loved the story. I fell in love with her, too. Please continue this story.

A wonderful first story, Banbeck. I look forward to reading your next.

“I fell in love with her, too.”

This is THE best compliment you could have made me…

Thanks.

I got inspired to write this story by an image on some blog, an image of an anonymous young homeless mother with her young daughter sitting on the sidewalk, looking desolated.

But it felt wrong somehow to use that image for visualizing the characters themselves, it felt like abusing their misery.

And then I ran into a (self?)portrait of this stunningly beautiful young woman named Natasha.

She became my Natasha…

So if you want to put a face to the story just put “Natasha Ann Nevreva” in your favorite search engine, she’s wearing a yellow sweater… ;)

Wonderful. As I was reading the story, I realized that english is not your first language. I commend your courage in writing in a language that is foreign to you. I liked the story and was not bothered by the slightly different use of some words. I hope you continue to write. It must take extra effort to write in english. Thank you for your effort. 5*

Please continue the story,and have them go to the wedding! Thanks for sharing this story with us!

Wonderful romantic beautiful story. Deserves a 5 star 🌠🌟🌠🌟🌠🌟🌠🌟🌠🌟 rating.

Ali Singapore

I love a good damsel in distress story, and this one is near the top. You did a really good job with your English too. I think us readers would like another chapter with their marriage, Natasha's pregnancy, and then living the good life. Five Stars!

great romantic story. i could easily go for another chapter

Part 2 please. Michael must bring Natasha as his Plus 1 to his Ex's wedding!

"Kakaya grebanaya suka, gryaznaya vonyuchaya shlyukha,"

Veliki Ruuski mat.

“Veliki Ruuski mat”

Thanks mate :)

I’m glad to read I got that right.

My understanding of Russian is, unfortunately, close to non existent.

But my gut said her first response would be in her native language, and that it wouldn’t be pretty…

To all the others who have responded since my last reply; thanks for all the compliments, it’s appreciated.

And to everyone interested; I’m working at the sequel.

Be prepared for some twists...

@ MoMiner64Mete

Hi MM,

The basic problem with Celsius and Fahrenheit is that while it is normal to refer to a length unit when talking about distances nobody ever does this when discussing temperature.

That porter would never have said “Going by the forecast we’ll hit minus twelve degrees Celsius this night”.

In most cases, as soon as the “minus” comes into play, even the “degrees” won’t be mentioned anymore.

Anyway, I thought I circumvented the problem by telling the readers it was close to freezing first (if it is close to freezing on an early February afternoon already how can that minus twelve for the night then refer to anything else than Celsius?)

What I’m going to do from now on is add a setting reference to the cautionary.

In this case that would be “Northwestern Europe/contemporary.”

As I have mentioned before, I’m already working on a sequel.

In that sequel Michael is going to visit Nicky’s wedding, because he wants to show her he got the better end of the deal, and because the plot line needs it, because not everything is always as it seems...

And thank you for taking the time to comment MM, it’s appreciated.

Banbeck

I enjoyed your story so much, I'm looking forward to reading the sequel. Good job.

I assumed the temperature was in Celsius, -12C is damn cold regardless, -12F is colder though. How soon for the sequel, you know its been two weeks since you posted this story.

Great story, 5 stars from me and nice to know that there will be a sequel. Even though I enjoyed the romance I was still wondering in between what the hell is going on in the background. What happend to his ex for her to be so cruel.

I enjoy your use of tense. "months pass, the house gets cleaner, the food gets better." There were a few minor grammar or syntax mistakes but they were not distracting and the meaning was not lost. American here, I'm not sure what a "mourning letter" is. All in all a charming story.

This is pretty stupid to say but it reminded me of my breakup (minus the sex story though). I came here horny but ended up getting emotional. Thanks for the story sir. 5/5

"I'm not sure what a "mourning letter" is."

It’s a letter to inform people that someone has died, and usually includes an invitation for the funeral.

It's a literal translation from Dutch (rouwbrief), and over here those letters are clearly recognizable from the outside, (to make sure you don't put them aside and miss the funeral, because funerals are always on short notice.)

Update

“The Samaritan” is currently in the process of being edited.

Once that job is finished it will still take some time to get it re-published on Lit again of course.

The first draft of the sequel is also close to finished, after which it still needs to be edited and published of course, which all takes time.

And as far as I can foresee now there will then be a third and final chapter.

The plot line has been completed, but I don’t know how many pages it is going to need exactly, so it might turn out an additional (fourth) chapter is needed…

And once this “trilogy” is of the bench I’m planning on publishing a SciFi/Fantasy story which is ready for editing at the moment.

But I first want to complete “The Samaritan”

Update

I just submitted the edited version of “The Samaritan”, so it’s up to Lit now…

I also send the sequel in for editing today.

And with part three starting to turn out rather long it is now certain there’s going to be a part four.

Which also means part three is nearly finished...

Happy reading ;)

Nice story.

Don’t worry about your style and your english. Your main character is a Dutchman who speaks English . This reads like it was written by a Dutchman who speaks English, as indeed it was. To my mind that makes the story realistic. If it was written in American English or even English English it would not feel right.

I look forward to the sequels, and other stories from you. One point, surely the French police would have been looking for her, he was murdered and she had been staying in the hotel with him. Perhaps you will cover that in the sequels

I

Hi anonymous,

“Your main character is a Dutchman who speaks English”

Yes, in this story, but not in all my stories, so I should up my game a bit so to say… ;)

“surely the French police would have been looking for her”

Yes, and they are, for questioning, because the MO doesn’t really fit a girl, it fits a type of criminal of which Paris has plenty..

But Natasha went “of grid”, which is why they haven’t found her (yet?)

Excellent story. I look forward to any future works you decide to grace us with.

Update

Edited version got published on 31/05/2021

Good edit. Just small things overall but there is also one huge difference. Gotta say, Natasha is pretty reckless with her 'small chance' of getting pregnant but I dont think that Michael would be opposed :P The guy deserves some happiness.

Hi Thorlol,

What’s the one huge difference if I may ask?

Just curious…

Regarding Natasha’s recklessness; a far as I know the chance of getting pregnant is very small just before and after a woman has her period.

Periodic abstinence is even a recognized birth control method, be it of disputed effectiveness.

But apparently, with a method called STM, it can be as effective as the pill...

Anyway, there usually are good reasons behind the things I make Natasha do.

Up to now she hasn’t taken any risks she could have avoided; she has played her bad cards smartly, to her best ability, she just ran out of luck, and then Michael found her.

So the reason behind letting this smart girl do this is to show how much she trusts Michael already: enough to risk getting pregnant by him.

It’s the trust development she needs in order for her to be able to reveal her naughty side to Michael later on…

The guy deserves some happiness indeed, and so does she, but don’t you worry, this story isn’t in “Romance” for nothing, and it isn’t on Literotica for nothing either... ;)

A sweet story.

Interesting characters and plot.

Editing left a lot to be desired.

In part I blame today's auto- correct.

The programs make people lazy in their heads.

Now getting things in their correct tense.

Or tenses as the case maybe.

Past tense,

She came through the doorway.

Present tense,

She comes through the doorway.

Future tense,

She will come through the doorway.

Putting an "S" on the end of words when often they should end with for example "ed"

Changes the tense from present to past in many cases.

English can be very confusing.

But badly edited takes enjoyment out of a good story.

Cheers

Update:

For those interested; I created an imgur album for my “muses” and other inspirational imagery, you can find the link in my Lit Biography ;)

Sweet and loving. Need more of this in the world.

Please add more this was amazing

@Daikkenn74

There is more, three additional chapters to be exactly...

1: The Samaritan

2: The Pawn

3: The Bastard

4: The Reckoning

Be warned though, it's a bit of a rough ride to a sweet ending ;)

Beautiful story! You English was top notch too, by the way. 5 BIG FAT BLAZING STARS for both your English and the story!

The three of them have to go to the ex's wedding. Great and creative story.

"The three of them have to go to the ex's wedding. Great and creative story."

Well thanks Anonymous.

The three of them go to the ex's wedding in part two "The Pawn".

Be warned it might turn out different than expected...

Wow talk about the archtypal Cuckboy 🤣🤣 I mean he's literally crying into his cornflakes for 8 months waiting for his lying cheating ex to get dumped fuck me dead😂😂😂

There's codependent and then theres this piece of shit

This looked like my kind of story, but I quit just a few paragraphs in. Since you said you weren't a native English speaker, I'm going to be very direct with why: do not write a story in the present tense. I'm really surprised this got by your editor. It's just not done (at least in English), because it doesn't work. One reason is that the reader cannot properly suspend disbelief for a story told in the present tense.

Take this sentence for example: "He pulls the padded collar of his thick coat up to protect his neck."

This is not happening in front of me and I cannot see it, therefore I must imagine it happening. If I am constantly reminded that I'm imagining things (by being told that things that aren't happening in real life are happening in the story), I won't be able to forget that I'm reading a story. You should write a story as if you were telling this story to someone sitting across from you.

Another reason to avoid the present tense is that the writing won't flow properly. Each sentence might be fine on its own, but those separate sentences won't connect with each other very well. Because each and every sentence is written as if it is happening at this exact moment, there isn't logical transition of time from one moment to the next. While we as readers know that what is written first happens first, this isn't represented in the wording. This is also immersion breaking because your readers will have to put in more work in order for your story to make any sense.

I suggest avoiding writing in the first person as well. While this can and has been done well, it is very difficult to make work, and you should get used to writing in the third person first.

Hi kvalentine,

Writing in the present tense is unusual, but it isn't "not done", that you don't like it is another matter.

As I write this "The Samaritan" has 29K views, 1200 readers decided to rate it at 4.75, and 80 readers added it to their favorites...

Anyway, this was the first story I published, and originally it wasn't edited.

The current version is an edit, which has seen an editor, who did comment on the present tense issue.

We agreed though that it didn't warrant a rewrite.

So it remained present tense, as did the sequels, just for uniformity.

The story I published next, "Battlestar", is in present tense too, simply because it was a story I had already written years before.

In July 2021 "Battlestar" got nominated as the best story in Sci-Fi & Fantasy...

I've been writing erotic stories for decades, I have a whole library of them, all present tense.

The series I'm currently publishing, "Casus Belli", is new work based on a short story I wrote ages ago, so for this series I dropped the present tense.

Be warned though that this isn't a sweet story like "The Samaritan" is...

Michael should go to that wedding and bring Natasha. When he introduces her to his ex-whore , she should say, "honey, I don't feel well and the doctor says we're having twins. Our Mischka is going to be a big sister. Thanks for making me a mother again babe". That would put the slut in her place!

Loved it .when is the next part????????

Hi Tarloso2

"The Pawn" is part 2 of this series, "The Bastard" is part 3, and the 4th and final part is "The Reckoning".

;)

Goed geschreven, het Engels valt best mee. Ik heb alleen het eerste verhaal gelezen, maar ga meteen verder. Na het vierde verhaal, na mijn vakantie, zal ik uitgebreider reageren. Ga zo door.

Groeten uit het Heuvelland van een geboren Utrechter.

Hi Outis,

Bedankt voor het compliment, en voor het de moeite nemen een commentaar te plaatsen.

The Samaritan was mijn eerste gepubliceerde verhaal, en origineel gepubliceerd zonder eerst geëdit te wezen.

Dat was niet slim... LOL

Ik heb voor mijn huidige serie, Casus Belli, ook de schrijfstijl verandert, omdat in tegenwoordige tijd schrijven blijkbaar nogal afwijkend is.

The Samaritan was in eerste instantie als op zichzelf staand verhaal bedoelt, maar de lezers wouden graag een vervolg, en dus is het uiteindelijk een serie van vier verhalen geworden.

Houd er wel rekening mee dat deel twee van het platgetreden pad afwijkt, wat waarschijnlijk de reden is dat het wat lager scoort dan de overige hoofdstukken.

In ieder geval veel plezier gewenst met de rest van de serie, vanuit het zuidelijke heuvelland ;)

I loved this story was not so much with part 2

Hi Anonymous, thanks for commenting.

Part two ends with a plot twist most readers probably didn't expect, and it shows in the story's rating.

As you can read in the previous comments, The Samaritan was originally intended to be a stand alone story (and it can still be read as such).

The next three parts were the result of me giving in to reader demand, but I didn't want to write the usual "betrayed husband gets his revenge on his ex" stuff, so I came up with something rather different...

In case you haven't read part 3 and 4 (yet), I can tell you that the ending is as sweet as that of the Samaritan was.

But it's a bit of a rough ride for anyone preferring "vanilla"...

Nice story, I have no complaints about the writing or grammar, you did well being quite clear. Thanks.

Thanks for the comment Anonymous.

I hope my writing and grammar have improved since I published "The Samaritan" ;)

A feel-good story with a familiar theme. But lonely people seem to find each other and it was good to read a pleasant tale of people who are hurt and find each other. There are many people out there who are alone and don't find the right match-up. We use computer dating services and match-making online, but there's still a lot of people who are alone. It's not clear if people search for perfection in a companion or they're afraid of making a mistake or if it's just too easy to get divorced, but there are a lot of single mothers and guys on their own who would be a whole lot better off if they connected with someone who fit, at least somewhat. 4*

Hi Overcritical,

The words you're looking for regarding modern day relationship issues are "spoiled" and "selfish" I think...

The story is as you describe it, but be aware that its sequels aren't following "a familiar theme".

Things are going to get a whole lot darker before the sun finally breaks through again.

So anyone not up for that is advised to treat "The Samaritan" as a stand alone story, and forget about the three sequels.

Which shouldn't be a problem as the story, originally, was written as a stand alone story...

And thanks for commenting (again), it's appreciated :)