The Same Old Story - End 03

Andy was quite a bit larger down there. I was glad I was on the pill as his balls looked like they would flood me. I didn't know if I could put a condom on him, do they make them that size? It was the kind of lovemaking I had always fantasied about. Andy seemed to know which part of me to excite in the right order. I found I was capable and enjoyed multiple orgasms and it only got better.

If there was anything wrong, it revolved around trivial things. While I loved Andy going down on me and boy, did he know where to find those little bits which drove my orgasms; I'm surprised no one on the moon complained about my screams of ecstasy. I was never comfortable with him in my mouth. I struggled with getting him into my mouth. I wanted to but I didn't really know how. I should have researched it I know. Andy didn't complain, at least at the beginning. I would lick his crown but I knew he wanted more. Why didn't I make the effort?

Andy asked me to consider removing my pubic hair. I did at that time keep it trimmed so it wasn't a big leap. I called him a paedophile. I saw the hurt in his eyes. It was only later I let it grow into the forest. Why?

I don't know what came first. Him wanting me to be more revealing and me becoming dowdier or was I now so dowdy, he tried to get me to be more revealing. It wasn't as if I ever wore revealing clothes, maybe a little breast on display. I was conscious my 38DD's got a lot of attention. If he suggested something more revealing, I slapped him down. Why?

The last one was anal. I was aroused when he played with my rosebud, even enjoyed having one or two fingers up there as he played with my pussy but I wouldn't allow him to use his cock instead. Why? I did use a finger in his bum on occasion so I wasn't anally averse.

The more I looked at my answers, I couldn't believe I was so nasty to deny him so much. Other parts of our life were the same. It seemed I was always against what he proposed, holidays, breaks. He didn't like my Victorian beach garments. I didn't like his suggested alternatives. Why did I do that if I loved him?

So, did I love him? I needed someone to help me.

The next day, I contacted a counsellor but the only appointments available were during the day. I asked my supervisor if I could have the time off for those sessions. I would work late to make up the time. I didn't have anyone to go home to anyway. She agreed.

The sessions were difficult. She managed to strip all the stuff I'd built around me off to reveal the true me. It was the fourth session when we managed to understand the questions, I had been asking myself. It was both revealing and devastating. I took a couple of evenings to get my head round all it meant.

At the weekend I composed an email to Andy. It was now six weeks since "our separation" and we hadn't spoken. I knew the longer we went on like that, the less chance there would be of any reconciliation. I hadn't heard from my parents or my sister either. This hurt badly as we'd been so close. Anastasia had been my best friend as well as my sister.

"Andy,

I hope you are in a better place than I left you. I can never make amends for my utter fucking stupidity in allowing those whores to convince me that fantasy was the way to solve our problems. I should have listened to my real friends and my conscience. If I had and spoken with you, we'd never be at this point.

I'll always regret the needless pain I have caused you. You didn't deserve any of it. If I could take that pain into me and keep it from you I would. I deserve it.

I needed to know why I did many of the things I did, not just that unforgiveable fantasy but the many ways I didn't show you how much I truly loved you. Not to try and put the blame elsewhere but to understand how I could hurt so badly a man I said I loved. I have been seeing a counsellor. It's not been easy as I'm sure you're finding as you said you were considering seeing one as well. If you have, you'll know. It took her time to get through my wall of guilt to reach my actual feelings. My guilt was stopping me from seeing the problems. My guilt had decided divorce was the only option. Breeching that wall of guilt was very hard as I had to face the fact I and only I was responsible for my actions. I couldn't put the blame on anyone else.

Among the many things I have found out about myself, many of which I don't like, was that I felt I didn't deserve you. This, we believe was the main catalyst for how I was susceptible to the lure of the bitches and built that stupid, fucking fantasy. I'm not making an excuse, there is none!

The counsellor feels that if we spoke, we could help each other heal. I believe her. I'm not suggesting that we'll be back where we were but perhaps being more able to understand what my actions have caused to both of us will allow us to address our feelings, seek the answers to the questions which we are plagued with.

I need to know how you are. I can only see your angry face with the devastation I caused. I cannot move on without knowing you are in a better place. When you were screaming at me, you had questions I couldn't answer. If I could answer them, maybe it would help you too. It may help your anger. If you've fought to keep it like I did my guilt, I know you won't be in a good place. It hurt so much to bring that wall of guilt down as it protected me from exploring my feelings, facing the truth. I've never felt so much despair as the pain my actions caused was fully revealed to me. I think if I know how you are I could make more progress.

I'm open to meeting up to discuss our future at any time. I'm sure we both need it.

Everything which I'm about to explain is on me. The fault lies with me and me only.

You were everything I could have wanted in a husband. You were so loving and caring. I was your priority. You did everything you could to show me how much you loved me. I appreciated it at the beginning. Somewhere, my own sense of not being good enough for you made me resent your devotion to me. I didn't feel worthy of your love. I did try to make myself worthy but each effort failed. Instead of keeping working to make myself feel worthy, I allowed resentment to you to build. I put the blame on you when the only blame was mine.

I stopped wearing any sensual lingerie and decried you for suggesting I made an effort to please you. It's probably hard to remember I did wear some when we first started dating. Even if you had the access codes to my blouses and bras. My pubic hair was trimmed so I can see why it wasn't a leap for you to suggest we could experiment with it being bare. I shot you down with such a disgusting barb. To call you, of all people, that was unforgiveable. I saw the massive hurt in your eyes. I let it grow to punish you for wanting it bare. Yet the truth was I was considering it as a surprise for you.

I did so many contradictory things, often against what I wanted to do. You suggested counselling, a sex therapist, how I wish I had accepted. I realise now, far too late, I needed help. You knew and did as you always did, try to look out for me.

Our sex life suffered as I refused to try new things, learn how to give a blowjob, try anal. I refused not because I didn't want to but as I was scared. I wasn't experienced as you know. I never told you how bad my first and only experience before you was. He stuck his dirty cock in my mouth and vilified my lack of talent as I gagged. He fucked me twice without preparing me so it was painful both times. That was the first and last time with him.

It was two years later I met you. You were so different, I enjoyed our sex life but I knew I wasn't giving you want you wanted. I couldn't get your penis in my mouth. I failed embarrassingly at giving you a simple fucking striptease.

The counsellor thinks my first experience so shook my confidence I subconsciously programmed myself to fail. The more I failed, the less I attempted. The more you were perfect the more I resented you. You mentioned many things which I fantasied about but I wouldn't let you do them.

My clothes, my underwear was, in hindsight, designed to repel you.

In essence the more you showed your love for me, the more I backtracked on what I did to please you. Stella said I hadn't offered you the love you freely gave me and she is correct. I know you will find it very hard to believe that I did want to give you the love you deserved but my feeling inadequate meant I didn't. Stupid, fucking stupid!

With my counsellor, I'm trying to learn to be a better lover, hopefully for you, but I can't let go off the anguish on your face.

I have found the answer to the question I have been asking myself, what you and others have asked. Why, if I loved you, would I contemplate, let alone do what I did?

The easy get out, was that I've never loved you. I was happy to have you make me feel so good. You're a great lover, who made me feel so special. I didn't really care about you, love you, just what you did for me.

However, that's not the truth. The most difficult thing to admit is that I do love you, with all my heart. Every cell in my body loves you more deeply than I ever imagined it was possible to love someone. This makes what I did so incomprehensible to me.

My feeling of being inadequate for you made me open to believe the utter crap the girls told me. The way they described their sexual encounters made me wish I could be such a sexual being. This echoed in my brain. As they explained it, my experience would boost our love life, by giving me more confidence. I so wanted to be free to do things with you I accepted this.

My conscience told me I could be but to speak with you, work with you. How I wish I had listened to it and my friends, not a group of shallow bitches. (Yes, Stella was correct in her assessment of me.)

With the girls help I constructed a fantasy that one evening with another man would turn me into someone you deserved. How I could think that I don't know? It was the exact opposite of the truth. My conscience told me that repeatedly but I ignored it. The fact that we were arguing so much allowed me to justify it.

When you caught me coming out of the shower, my conscience was telling me, "tell him the truth, this is for him. To make up for being such a shrew recently. Take him to bed and fuck him silly all weekend." Again, I wish I'd listened to her. She'd been telling me that for weeks but I didn't listen.

I gave you the girls out, asking you for permission. I knew the answer. When I saw the level of hurt in your eyes, heard your words, I was so shocked. At the intensity of the pain you were feeling and how cruel your words were. I thought about coming through to you in just my lingerie but I knew you would rebuff me, so I didn't. More fucking stupid!

My conscience told me, you were right, it was me who was wrong but that fucking fantasy was all I could think about. A shortcut to bliss with you. All the way down the stairs, in the taxi my conscience was battling me. I almost came back up the stairs but I knew you would reject me so I stupidly went off.

I foolishly thought the girls' reaction to me was about how I looked but I recognise now it was just as you suggested. I was about to be a whore, just like them. They had set it up for Eric. I was the gullible prey.

Andy, I accept that there is no hope of us ever being together and that it is all my fault. If there had been any hope, you would have contacted me by now. I will always love you and if there is the slightest chance, we could work this out and stay together I would be delighted. I would do anything you ask to allow us to try to be a couple again.

By one fucking stupid action, I have destroyed my marriage to my soulmate, my friendships with everyone, as well as with my family who refuse to have anything to do with a slut and a whore. But what is worse is I don't know how you are. I badly hurt you, us. I'm the only who deserves this pain.

Your indifference to me as you haven't replied to any of my emails suggesting we meet shows me you are set on a divorce. I know I'm responsible. It's not what I want but I won't fight it. I checked with the Sheriff Clerk, I cannot sue me for divorce on your behalf. Sue me for divorce using adultery as that will be quickest. I will give you Eric's details as you will need them. I don't wish any alimony. We can split the house fund. Once you have filed, let me know the cost and I'll refund you.

I'll never forget my gross stupidity or the unnecessary pain I caused you. Every time I look in a mirror, I know who's at fault.

For your information, the man I went to Room 129 at the Travelodge was Eric Duguid. His address is 49 New Park Drive. I got that from our works records. I can honestly say the sex was bad. It left me feeling so soiled, grubby, worse than even you predicted. I'd take a lie detector test to confirm if you wish.

I did learn something after all, just too late. Not to exclude the only man I will ever love from my fantasies.

I can't say how much I wish I'd never listened to those bitches. If I could travel back in time; it would be far beyond that Friday. It would be to the beginning of our journey. I would take many different paths and been the wife you deserved. You would look forward to work to get a rest but hurry home because of the welcome you would get.

You deserve to find someone new who will love you without being such a bitch as me.

I will always leave the door ajar in case you wish to speak to me. Please let me know how you are!

You were the best thing which has ever happened in my life. I'm so sorry it's ending like this.

I will love you for the rest of my life!

Kat."

After I sent the email, I called my mum. She wasn't happy speaking to me. I told her I'd given Andy all the details so he could divorce me. I wouldn't contest anything. I asked about my sister and she shouted at me about why I wanted to know about her. I said I expected the special family announcement was that she was pregnant. If I knew when she was due, I'd get the child a gift. If she needed a hand I would help her, we had always been so close. My mum's word ripped my heart out, "Father and I, your sister and her family never want any contact with you again." She put the phone down.

I cried and cried. I knew my feelings would only be a small level of what Andy would have felt. These were bad enough.

I didn't receive a reply from Andy. I should have asked him to say he'd received it. At least I'd have had a response, known he was alive.

My life was hell, a hell of my own making.

Andy:

The weeks following our "separation" seemed to be so slow yet sped by. I went to work, I went home to James's. He and Stella tried to help me as I was so down. They wouldn't let me flat hunt as I wasn't thinking clearly. I would never have gone out at night if James and Stella hadn't forced me. The nights in the pub didn't help my pool game.

Stella gave me the name of a highly recommended therapist. Our sessions didn't go well. I refused despite all his urging to let the wall of anger down. Until I did, he couldn't help me. The anger was consuming me, until I could get beyond that he couldn't guide me to wherever I wanted to be.

He explained it time and time again. I loved Kat so deeply, this betrayal had cut out my heart. My brain didn't want me to feel that pain so wouldn't allow the anger to come down. Until I could, I'd never move on. I needed to open myself to my pain, focus on my feelings and work through the anger, control it, not allow it to control me, to come out the other side.

Where I ended up, was not yet written. I hadn't begun any journey. I was parked, neither moving forward or backwards. The longer I remained stationary, the longer this journey takes, the less control I had in the outcome as others would make decisions which suited them as I wasn't interacting with them in any positive way.

Letting my feelings out wasn't a weakness but a strength.

It took quite a few weeks before we made any progress. I was often in tears. I could feel the level of anger reducing but I was still nowhere clear in what I wanted. Despite that, he suggested a meeting, on neutral ground with Kat would be helpful. I had spoken about being able to tell when she was lying. He felt that by speaking with her, I could find answers to the questions which were driving my anger. The lack of answers was stopping me going forward. Did she ever love me? Why? What had I done wrong?

I didn't like the next statement. When you know that, know what your gut is saying about her, you will have a better understanding of whether you can reconcile or not. You'll be unparked, moving to where you wish to go.

Stella and James were in his camp. Stella said, "You both need clarity. You both need to explain how you feel to each other, to even begin to move on. Whether that is together or apart. You both need some sense of closure on this. The relationship you had is over, it's what any new one will be is what you need to focus on. The anger doesn't help you. It's preventing you from listening, examining yourself."

I look at her with questioning eyes.

She smiled, "I haven't spoken with Kat since that first day apart from a text. Call it women's intuition. She's hurting just as badly."

I was still working through this when I received Kat's email. I dismissed most of it as pretentious crap. Didn't feel worthy of my love almost made me bring my dinner up.

I was surprised when Stella said, "She's really opened herself to you. This hasn't been easy for her. She's admitted how this came about. She doesn't see any future with you as you haven't been in contact. She's given you the details you need to divorce her.

"You may want to reply telling her where you are in your journey. Have that meeting we've all been telling you to have with her. From what she's saying she desperately needs it.

"I'm worried about the whole underlying tone. She's had no contact with her family. She and her sister were so close. I've seen her, she looks pregnant, Kat would be spoiling her. She is obviously lonely and sounds very depressed. She never mentioned a future for her. That's not a good place to be. She needs clarity as much as you do. You need to arrange to speak with her very soon, for both your sakes."

I wrestled with this for a few days before I came to my fateful decision. I put the divorce forms into the Sheriff Clerk's Office and sent Kat the invoice for £300. It was paid into my account within thirty minutes.

I had never run my idea by the counsellor or James and Stella. I had the idea that by divorcing Kat, any future relationship was new. It wouldn't be tainted by the past. The trouble was I never told anyone especially Kat.

Kat:

I suppose I wasn't surprised to receive the invoice from Andy. I had hoped he would speak to me first. I paid him immediately.

A few days later I received a recorded delivery letter from the court with details of his application. I filled the form in and sent it back that night.

The next day at work, Eric came up to my desk very angry. He was waving a similar envelope to the one I'd received.

He was shouting, "What's this shit? Naming me in your divorce! Who the fuck do you think you are?"

I smiled and replied calmly, "Eric it's my soon to be ex-husband who has filed for divorce. I told you I thought one of his brother's friends had seen us. He's put it all together. You won't need to appear in court as I have accepted the terms of the divorce.

"It's the price I'm paying for a very sad dismal fuck."

With the word out, many of the men, most single, but far too many married ones tried to get me to go out with them. They made no secret of their desires to get in my panties. I complained to HR but they did nothing. I was a slut so get used to it was their attitude though they never actually said that.