The Shared Dream Ch. 06: Brynlee

I know they want us to tell everything. They asked us all to come in here and tell our story exactly the way it happened, and exactly the way we all remember it. I know. I get it. But I don't want to tell this part of the story. I don't look good, and I don't like the way I acted. I was broken in a way I don't think anyone else could possibly relate to. I'm telling my story for one reason, and one reason only- I don't have a choice.

I left Natalie's full of tears and despair. For months, I'd kept at least some comfort knowing I wasn't alone, people were trapped just like me, but I saw her so happy, so completely at peace, and I felt a sense of isolation I can't even explain. It was more than a pit in my stomach. It fucking hurt. I was in pain and I couldn't imagine a way out.

I'd tried cheating. I tried to imagine simply letting myself out, but the safeguards blocked that. I tried to let myself fall asleep, escape from the world until everything was fixed. I don't know if the fact that my brain was constantly plugged into the stupid machine, or they worried someone would accidentally turn off their consciousness, but I couldn't do it. I was stuck here, and I was in hell.

My life was purposeless, and all I wanted was an escape. I'm saying all this to give, just a little bit of defense, because I felt like I didn't have a choice. I turned to drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex, anything to make get through the day.

I had entire weeks where I couldn't remember having a single thought. I couldn't remember eating, getting dressed, taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I was simply existing. Everything that had given my life meaning was locked on the other side of some hidden veil.

Prior to all this, I hadn't had any experience with psychedelics. It wasn't some sense of moral superiority; it was terror. Afraid of what I'd see. Scared for my health, but in here, nothing could go wrong, because nothing was real. That was the entire problem.

So I don't know how accurate any of my trips actually were. I guess it all depends on how accurate the training data for the machine was. Did they train it on someone having an acid trip? On meth? Would it just be the computer's guess? I didn't know, and simply, I didn't care. I just needed a way to get through the day.

I was at a point where I could have made myself look pristine in the blink of an eye. I could have imagined myself as a wholly different person, and the world would bend around me to make it so- and I still looked like a homeless person with red eyes and tear stains down my cheek. I was so far past caring about anything.

The first time I experimented, I imagined myself in a small room. I thought if I focused on building a perfect stage for myself, it might kill a few hours, and I'd slowly march towards whatever the end was. I rearranged the furniture with my mind. I briefly drew psychedelic patterns on the curtains, experimented with and without shade, bright lights vs total darkness. I planned everything out without any experience, and no idea what a perfect tripping environment would be.

In the end, I settled on a small room, a single light, a couch, a tv, and a bathroom, just in case I couldn't handle it near as well as I thought.

I looked down at my folded hands and saw a small pile of squares. I stared nervously for a moment, my red eyes wide and uncertain. Then I reached forward, grabbed a tab, and popped it into my mouth. It was slow acting, but for the first time in my life, I started to trip.

That single light was the first thing I noticed. I felt like I could see the swelling corona around the light bulb, slowly emanating out, expanding into a fugue-like haze. I fell back on the couch, my arms feeling impossibly light as I stared at the lamp. It felt like the world was swirling around the bulb, some swelling balloon that morphed reality the way stars seem to spin around a black hole.

My small room felt like it was starting to expand. My head turned slowly, the movement automatic, and the far wall felt like it was jogging away, slowly getting further and further. I felt like I was falling deep into the couch, the cushions enveloping me and inviting me into some black abyss.

My eyes were staring straight up, watching the way the ceiling danced as dark fingers tugged at the corner of my eyes, pulling me, deeper and deeper.

I'd thought I was alone. At the start, I was certain I had been, but my mind was acting on it's own, my consciousness severed from my thoughts, and some mystical part of my brain must have imagined, must have longed for comfort, another human to walk by my side.

The shadowy fingers tugged at the corner of my eye, beckoning me towards the tv. It felt like it was rocking back and forth like it were rolling in the waves. The screen was slowly growing, maybe getting closer, maybe it was just the size increase. The channels were changing, images I couldn't understand. I couldn't blink, my eyes transfixed, watching the flashes of lights slowly change. I felt like I could see each individual pixel, slowly swelling and floating off the screen, like a meandering firefly, waiting for it's light to go out.

My mouth was open, I imagined I was starting to drool, as the screen changed, again and again. Then I saw the man on the tv, and I wasn't alone. He was looking right at me. He was speaking, but his words were hollow, a thousand miles away. The world behind him seemed to go in and out of focus, his face slowly narrowing like a dolly zoom. He reached forward, and knocked against the screen, carefully testing the barrier between us.

My hands swatted absentmindedly at the shadowy hands that held me in place. I flopped down from the couch, rolling onto the carpet that swayed like grass in the wind. It felt like the individual tendrils rose up and held me, slowly lulling me across the floor like a singer carried by her crowd. My wrist was limp as my hand shot out towards the tv. It was like I was directing my noble steed onward, the swaying grass-carpet leading me towards the man.

The glass between our worlds had started to crack. He hit the screen again, palm out, and spidercracks raced along the screen. My heavy eyelids fell once, slowly opening back up as the distance between us started to lessen.

The glass was gone, scattered to shards that fell and started to fly, crystalline butterflies that wandered up towards the starry sky. The man's palm gripped the underside of the tv frame, pulling him slowly forward. A leg shot out, reaching through the bottom of the tv, as the grassy carpet lifted me into a sitting position, a regal throne of grass hoisting me up.

The man pulled himself through and stood high above me, a warm smile on his face. He'd been wearing a suit, but the colors weren't consistent. I felt his entire being swirl and morph with reality itself, and the longer I stared, the less certain I was that he'd been wearing anything at all.

His suit seemed to fall away in rags that disappeared into ash before they hit the ground. My throne had continued to rise, and I was high above him, lording over him. He started to climb towards me, proudly walking up the steps, his eyes never leaving mine.

I wasn't entirely sure he was below me. Another version of him was upside down, walking another set of steps that led him towards me. Then another appeared, one off to my left, another towards the right, and another, and another.

I couldn't count how many versions of him their were, a kaleidoscope of beautiful men, determinedly making their way towards me, as my vision started to spin, all of them swimming around me, slowly getting closer. The grassy steps were rocking, green and flowing in the wind I couldn't describe. The steps shook and bobbed, one with nature, but nothing could sway the man.

He tried to say something, but all I heard was the echo. He opened his mouth again, his words shadowy, come here.

I didn't know if I had the strength to get up off my throne. I hadn't even been the one who'd made the climb. Besides, there were at least a dozen staircases, all of them swirling, dancing around me. I wouldn't know which one to take.

"I want you," he said softly, all of them speaking in perfect unison, a haunting echo screaming off into eternity, "Come here."

Some part of my brain was still awake. I took a step forward, the only way I knew how, and watched as my foot landed on twelve different staircases. Each of his hands were outstretched, begging me to come closer.

When he touched me, I felt electricity, my eyes wide in shock and bliss. He pulled me towards him, the movement effortless. He pulled me outside of the reality I'd constructed, and the grass that had taken over my carpet became the only consistency. The pair of us were standing in a field, beneath the starry sky. His bare chest was pressed up against mine. I felt my clothes wash away like rain, slowly flicking down my body, running off my feet.

I fell backwards and the world caught me. I was transfixed by the night sky, watching the currents of the universe, the stunning hues of blue and white and purple, all swirling together, the lights as bright as a distant city.

The man leaned over me, a dozen heads from every direction. The heads joined together like the pedals of a flower, as he started to kiss me, all of him slowly swirling around me, as my head rolled back.

One hand cupped my breast. A head was kissing my sternum, two more were trading tongues between my legs.

I couldn't feel the grass at my back anymore. I couldn't feel anything but the man, his kisses, his tongue, everywhere around me. I was weightless, slowly rising up to join the cosmos, every version of the man rising up with me.

I reached out, my hand going through some refraction, and touched each of the man's heads, slowly stroking the hair behind his ear, "I want you too."

The kaleidoscope of him started to spin and morph, fractals and crystals shifting around each other, as a dozen hands felt every inch of my body. I could see my naked self, my legs floating out over infinity, black holes and nebulae tugging at my toes. Then I saw his legs, six or eight dozen pair, swirling like a star, all gathered in the center, three penises in a single point, ready to enter. I reached out, grabbing between the man's legs, as I slowly pulled him closer, guiding his rat-king penis towards me.

I felt myself gasp the second he entered, the only semblance of reality in my trip. He thrusted slowly, his spiral of heads kissing my chest, worshiping my breasts, his array of legs and joined penis's slowly gaining speed.

I gasped, louder and louder with every stroke. I felt the way air exhaled, like there was something at the back of my throat, some lump building up every time he entered me.

Then my tongue started to move. Slowly bobbing forward, tracing my lower lip. There was something back there, displacing everything, I felt my mouth go wide, like a vine was slowly crawling out from between my lips.

All three penises were pressed together into a single, girthy rod, and the pressure in the back of my throat started to mirror the man's strokes. It was just the tip at first, bobbing along my tongue, stopping at the back of my lips.

The man continued to thrust, and nothing could stop the pressure. His starfish legs went deeper, and the penises came through my mouth, poking out into space.

I was still aware enough to form a single, coherent thought, I want to suck that.

I leaned forward, bending my way into the kaleidoscope of the universe. I was suddenly over myself, seeing my wide eyes as the three penises went back and forth, in and out of my mouth. I leaned forward, somehow both the woman lying down, and also the woman reaching out for the cocks. I started to slowly kiss myself, locking lips, my head slowly tilting, my eyes shutting and savoring the experience. I felt her gasp, the other version of myself, and the penis sprung free from her mouth, driving deep between my lips. I felt myself drool and gag, both versions of me choking on the same three cocks.

I reached out, the pleasure in my pussy, the rod trading between both my mouths. I was still stroking the man's head, but now my hands found the other version of myself, feeling my breasts, the curve of my hips. I traced my fingers down myself. It didn't matter where the man was, he was never in the way. The dream and drugs were on my side, morphing to let me do whatever I want, my hands going wherever I imagined them.

I kept feeling the penis at the back of one throat, sliding away, my body a portal. I felt it go towards the other, as deep as it possibly could, my eyes going wide each time.

And then he started to cum, all three penises at once. I felt it in the depths of my throat, his penis slowly backing out. A small bridge of cum spanned between my lips as I slowly kissed myself, tasting his sweetness. When the legs finished pulling out, and the star of a man disappeared into the nothingness, a small river of cum spilled between my legs, his heads suddenly morphing into one, still swaying from the elastic band that shot them together, as he started to lick me clean, and my legs started to squirm, my feet struggling for traction over the vast expanse of nothingness.

That was the first time I experimented, and it opened my eyes. It was something I could actually enjoy, some small escape from this hellish prison.

I don't remember coming down. I don't think I let myself. That would have meant facing reality, reconciling with the fact that I was trapped, possibly for hundreds of years.

I experimented. Again. And again. And again. I tried everything the dream machine could make, sought every pleasure that could make me forget reality. I must have spent years doing that, dissociating myself as much as possible, sleeping with every person I could, man, woman, and everything in between.

I didn't remember coming down.

I didn't remember anything.

I didn't even remember when Kyra found me in tears, begging me to help her.

I didn't remember what she told me about Dan, or how she thought there was another real person in here.

I didn't remember her telling me there might be a way out if we just worked together.

I looked down at my crossed hands and found that same pile of tabs, my eyes wide and red. And I placed a tab in my mouth, ready to escape all over again.