The Sinner's Canon Ch. 01-06

Chapter 1

"So, Jack, is it? Jack Benton, I believe," I heard behind me.

"Yeah, I wondered how that would be taken, and who would be quickest to respond to me. So, who are you and ... what do you represent? The Vatican? The LDS? The JWs? The Baptists? The IFCA? The Seventh-Day Adventists? Who?" I demanded to know now.

"None of the above. I don't represent any of what you so bluntly called the 'fan clubs,' in your sneering, dismissive tone. Look, my boss is going through a sort of ... mid-life crisis. After so many aeons of this, he's really wondering just where he went wrong. Your social media post really hit him where he lives. As in ... Heaven," the tall stranger told me.

"Let me guess ... you're an angel? You represent God ... but which one?" I scoffed.

"Jehovah, of course. Look ... I know that you're not his biggest fan, but that's led to some real honesty, candor, on your part, and some home truths. Now, he's not gonna pull a Morgan Freeman and give you all of the power that he holds while he goes on a holiday. That's a risky proposition. However, he is empowering you ... to edit Scripture. Put in some new ... morals, rules, that kind of thing. So, if you can do better than someone like Moses, for instance, here's your shot," the angel told me to my shock.

"What's your name again?" I probed now, making the guy grin.

"Gabriel. You might have heard of me," he rolled his eyes ... and just vanished.

Seconds later, right smack dab in the middle of the same diner, at my booth, a massive tome simply appeared in front of me and a quill with it. Then the really weird stuff happened, where the quill pricked my finger to fill up the inkwell that suddenly appeared with my own blood. For whatever reason, I would now have to commit enough to my version of Scripture as to write in my own blood. Worse still, even last jot and tittle stung ... I mean hurt very hard.

"So, can I get you something while you read and edit that massive book, sir? Maybe ... some apple pie a la mode? Or some more coffee, sir?" the blonde cutie in the denim miniskirt who happened to be my waitress flirted with me as she leaned to stare at this version of the Bible.

I had to wonder what the catch to all this was ... and if she had anything to do with it.

"I absolutely do. You see, I've been trying to get to him for centuries, make him see the light, so to speak. But does he listen to me? Nah. He's just gotta try to send me to this Lake of Fire place which is really nasty. Maybe you could do us all a favor and edit that part out of existence. I mean, come on, why all that torture and misery, for what? Someone not being perfect, being human? Piss on that! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm sorta in disguise as a waitress, you see. Call me ... Nicki. Nicki ... Scratch," the blonde's eyes suddenly turned red.

"Let me guess ... you're Satan. The Devil," I ventured.

"Bingo, hole in one. Prince or Princess of Darkness, right here, baby! Lucifer, Lucille, same difference, you get the idea. But, yes, I'm the Evil One, or so they call me. I prefer to call myself simply 'misunderstood.' All that just because I fucked Adam, Eve, and Lilith, made them all slutty, turned them into a foursome ... and then started an orgy with them and the other humans.

"You'd think that Jehovah would appreciate my input, my feedback, my ... improvements on his design, but NOOOOO! He had to get pissy and cast me out of Heaven instead. Anyone who agreed with me, they got kicked out, too. So now, all he has are yes-men ... and yes-women, you know. Suck-ups like that Gabriel fella, for instance," Nicki explained to me, rolling her eyes.

"So wait, there WERE other humans? That explains Cain's fear of being killed and where he got his wife. Unless he actually did marry his own sister, that is. Wait, was Cain even real? How much of Genesis is true, how much ... and can that part even be edited?" I scratched my head as I considered several of the implications of what the Devil told me.

"Okay, first off ... as you probably know, I was the ... top Archangel back then. Head of the celestial cherubim. As you can probably tell, I can change my shape and look as I please, too. Become a snake, a woman, a man, even a cat or dog. Well, I took shape as a woman, seeing the obvious issues with Jehovah's little plan. He altered one Cro-Magnon sperm and one Neanderthal egg for just enough genetic diversity, spliced the DNA, and voila, there were Adam and Lilith, his own genetically engineering human pets.

"I guess that he was less than happy with how his whole ... evolution project had worked out, you see, so this was his plan to improve the species. He also included angelic DNA as well as his own to the petri dish. Wham! There it was! His first real attempt to dramatically change the human race. It wouldn't be his last by any means, but always, he'd cover up his tracks and maintain the myth of Eden, Adam, Eve, etc. The story was much more mundane, you see.

"I insisted that, even with angelic and divine DNA, he would need more genetic diversity, so he tossed in Eve for good measure. Not a real improvement, given that she was a clone of Adam that he altered to make her female. Even less genetic diversity between her and him, so I lured the three of them into a four-way orgy with that produced Cain and some ... other offspring. Nephilim.

"Before I was done, of course, they were very promiscuous, mating freely with Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals alike. This continued for a little while before Jehovah and that Boy Scout Michael caught us. Adam had impregnated no fewer than six women, while Eve carried Abel from a Cro-Magnon and Lilith had my Cain.

"Yes, MY Cain. He was my seed, sired when I was in male form, and as a result, Jehovah banished them from the Garden and demanded my abject humiliation and repentance. I was by now in female form and carried Naamah in my womb. My daughter by Adam. Jehovah exiled me from Heaven and cursed me to become female forever. The first angel to become female for good. Many of my confederates revolted once they witnessed my punishment, who now turned against Jehovah when they realized that I was in the right and he in the wrong.

"Jehovah was furious with all of us. He turned them into demons, almost indistinguishable from earlier demons, in fact. He waited to change me that way until I gave birth, as it turned out. He collected Cain and Naamah after they were born, and when Lilith resisted it with my aid, we were turned into demons, too. You should have seen the pain and rage on her face when she had her own son torn from her breast.

"Jehovah didn't want us wandering constantly over the Earth, so he sent us to Hell, the only part of the Cosmos that I created, failing to realize that we had more power over it than he imagined. He didn't grasp that, as Hell's maker, I could fashion it as I wished. He couldn't even force me to stay there permanently. That was when he made the Lake of Fire, an improvement on Hell in his vision. He also made something called the Abyss, the bottomless pit. If you could somehow prevent my consignment to either place, I would personally be very grateful, I assure you.

"Obviously, being turned into a demoness was the final nail in the coffin lid for Lilith's marriage to Adam, especially once Jehovah intensified any natural jealousy to a dangerous extent for both Eve and he. He did that precisely to prevent any more sharing, orgies, mating with angels, men, women, demons, etc. That included the older demons as well as my devils, the new, angelic breed of us. Poor Adam and Eve were suddenly locked into a monogamous marriage as a form of punishment for them and us alike.

"Lilith and I had to wait for decades until a dispute rose between Cain and Abel, and it wasn't over burnt offerings, I can tell you that much. It was about Naamah, who loved both men, but of course, Abel insisted that she choose, as did Adam and Eve. No more sharing for that family. Strict monogamy for the lot of them, that was the rule now. Ugh. She chose Cain. Abel was livid and then tried to rape Naamah. It turned into a very serious fight between the brothers, as Cain indeed attacked Abel to defend his sister, his lover. Abel perished and it was Adam and Eve, not Jehovah, who exiled Cain from the outskirts of Eden to their new land of Nod.

"Naamah left with her brother Cain, refusing to live with parents who would punish him for defending her. She also resented their push for her to marry Seth instead. Naamah loved Cain even more and they together found others to join them, forming a town in that land far from Eden. Being my spawn, they were free from the whole ... monogamy stuff and they embraced the customs of sharing, much to the consternation of those like Adam, Eve, etc. who felt the hot burning jealousy that Jehovah had stirred in their bosoms.

"Much of the rest is sorta history, except that, of course, Jehovah went out of his way to try to exterminate or annihilate the spawn of Lilith and me, along with any other ... Nephilim. He wanted the seed of Adam and Eve to dominate the rest of mankind. He tried it all, floods, making the Ice Age worse when it happened, hail, fire, plagues, creating the first STIs, all kinds of things like that. None of it worked. My seed lives among you ... and in the blood coursing through YOUR veins," Nicki informed me.

"MY veins?" I reacted with shock.

"Why do you think that Jehovah hasn't punished you for temerity, but actually taken you seriously? He has had to ... make some tough choices, as I have resisted his will and so have others, particularly those of your bloodline. Cain's bloodline. Yes, Jack, you're a direct descendant of Caan and Naamah. Satan's blood is in you. My blood. Lilith's blood, too, and Adam's.

"The previous plan for you, at least from Jehovah's end, was to be the Beast of Revelation. The Antichrist. That was to be you, Jack. Seven years of absolute power, but in a crumbling world, full of plagues and misery, and then defeat at Armageddon, leading to you and your chosen prophet being cast alive into the Lake of Fire to scream and suffer in unbearable agony forever. So, my dear, you have every vested interest in fixing this. You weren't chosen in a vacuum, babe.

"Clearly, even Jehovah is having second thoughts about this plan of his, the one that he has adjusted and altered over time beyond all recognition. Don't ask me what the original plan was. Jehovah IS arrogant as fuck, but even he has had to make concessions now and then. The whole Jesus business, that was a major revision. He didn't intend to have to sire a son and arrange for him to suffer, die, and be resurrected, I assure you of that. It's a bit of revisionist history to claim otherwise in that Gospel of theirs," Satan elaborated a bit more.

"Well, that's one way of putting it, Lucifer," a swarthy man with a baseball cap and a neckbeard said calmly as he sat down next to me, "Jesus of Nazareth. I believe that you've heard of me, too."

"Jesus, as in ... Jesus Christ. The one who got crucified and all that jazz," I shrugged.

"That would be me. Don't worry, we've blocked off all ears around us and even eyes, the Devil and I. Look, I would love to tell you that Nicki here is bullshitting you, but unfortunately, she's not pulling your chain. She's actually telling you the truth," Jesus admitted to my shock.

"Well, despite what your 'Good Book,' claims, I've been known to do that now and then, you know. Show him your wounds, in case he still doubts you," Satan urged Jesus, who for once actually listened to her, revealing the nail prints in his hands and feet, even the wound in his side.

"They got me in the kidney. That's what really did me in, you know. Added to the thirst, renal failure set in from the puncture and killed the Son of God. Damned unpleasant way to go, but it still beats the slower process of privation that killed far more than the asphyxiation that you hear about a lot. I mean, think about it, sure, I would have asphyxiated, but only after my weakened body lacked the strength to lift myself to let more air into my lungs. Lucky me, the spear point got me instead. Sure, they found proof of death ... because they had just then finished me off. I also had low blood pressure and bleeding from the severe blood loss, which didn't help, either.

"Now, you are probably wondering why I'm all chummy with you and why you've been given this task, you, of all people, when by rights, you should be blaspheming me and calling out miracles to win support ... and preparing to face me at Armageddon. I've never been wild about that whole 'outer darkness, weeping and gnashing of teeth' business, despite what many people may claim. Sometimes, it feels like I died for nothing.

"But I'm constrained by my father's plan. A father that, by the way, raped my mother to make me. I'm still dealing with that knowledge, to put it mildly. Mama, aka the 'virgin' Mary, was no virgin, not after Dad finished with her. She was fourteen, considered an old maid by the customs of the day and age already.

"Her parents didn't have a dowry, so imagine what they did when Joseph, their cousin, consented to wed her, anyway. They grabbed the betrothal with both hands. Then Dad showed up and nearly put the kybosh on their whole deal because of HIS law that he issued to Moses centuries back.

"What about the ... Holy Ghost?" I asked him now.

"Also, yes, that's just an alter ego that he uses for little ... adventures like that. It's a handy little fiction, making up that so-called 'Holy Trinity' of theirs. A term that's not even in the Bible, by the way. There's no ... triune Godhead. Resurrection? No, Dad just cloned the DNA of the old me and made an even better version with more powers. That's the version sitting with you here and now. What a crock of shit!" Jesus snorted with disdain for the Christian canon that insisted on his divinity.

"Okay, then ... are you here to advise me or what? I mean, one minute, you're planning to roast me forever in some furnace, with my only consolation that I would get to rule a broken-down, pathetic shell of a planet absolutely for less than a decade. Next, I, the so-called Antichrist, the 'Man of Sin,' get to rewrite the most famous book in history. I'm getting a lot of backstory from both of you, but to what end? Other than the obvious ... changing the eschatology to keep my ass out of that stupid fiery lake of yours," I snapped, feeling no shortage of pressure.

"I think that part's a given," Jesus conceded, "Jehovah and I ... and Satan also, need you far too much to let you burn in that awful place. If you must know, all that you have to do ... is write it out of the Book of Revelation and it won't be your fate. Or Nicki's, for that matter. You can literally write the Lake of Fire out of existence now."

"Excellent!" I grinned and relaxed a little, also removing sections about the Abyss to make things easier on Satan and those stupid Tribulation plagues, too.

Even the mark of the Beast was written out of existence, though I left in place the letters to the seven churches in Asia ... for now. Instead, I spelled out a very simple and straightforward plan, even if it stunned both of them. In place of that old design, I streamlined the whole Rapture business and stuck Jehovah and Jesus with the majority of Christians, Muslims, Bahai, Sikhs, Samaritans, Mandeans, Druze, and Orthodox, Conservative, and Karaite Jews. I figured that I could use the Reform crowd. They seemed more useful, more practical.

"I got bad news for the Baptists. They're gonna have to share Heaven with the Catholics and Eastern Orthodox after all," I chuckled as I finished my lunch.

"You kept the more secular, less pious Muslims. No accident there, I suppose," Jesus laughed a bit, as did Nicki at that point.

"See, he's my kinda guy. I'm really glad that neither of us are gonna have to burn in that silly Gehenna of yours, after all. By why set the date for the Rapture at ... that date? Just curious. I suppose that it's useful to know when it's gonna take place, so everyone can ... you know, make plans. But still ... why that particular date? March 14? What's the point?" Satan inquired now.

"It's ... a ... human joke. A nerd joke. A math joke. March 14 comes out to 3/14, which in math is 3.14, which is pi, a mathematical equation that famously never ends. Ergo, eternity. Pi is the perfect mathematical expression of forever. Hence that date. Mind you, I have no wish to go there myself. You can keep Heaven. I'm not sure where I'll spend eternity, but I have no wish to do so with your old man. Irony, right? Your new canon is being edited by one of the damned," I laughed bitterly now.

"It's a queer sort of numerology, but it actually has a kind of inner logic, yes," the Devil noted with admiration.

"Well, that does give you a time crunch, though. You need to finish editing the Bible prior to the Rapture, my friend. It has to go up in the Rapture with me. All changes are final after that. From what it looks like, the damned are still separated forever from Dad, but that's the extent of your punishment.

"According to him, though, that's supposed to be punishment enough. He seems to honestly believe that people cannot tolerate being without him forever or something like that. That reeks of self-delusion, but if it keeps him happy enough to not do anything crazy, so be it," Jesus added while looking at his watch and then vanishing into thin air.

"So ... you're damned now, by your own will ... any thoughts about a threesome? You, me ... and Lilith? You got nothing to lose now. I promise that we'll stop in time to let you finish editing that canon business. Scout's honor!" Nicki winked seductively at me.

"Clearly, since you're Satan, you were never a Boy Scout, but still, since you mentioned it, I've never fucked a demon before, let alone two of them. I'll bite," I winked.

"Please do ... I love biters!" Lucifer assured me now.

Well, I thought, this has been quite literally the strangest day of my life. I wasn't dreaming, was I? No, I pinched myself, and here I was, having a lunch date with the Devil. While holding a revised canon of the Christian Bible in my hand, no less ... all of the revisions written and sealed in my own blood. Talking about your binding contracts, right?

Chapter 2

"So, if you were cursed to be female forever, how can you change shape?" I wondered while pounding Nicki's fine demon ass in her true form.

"I ... can't stay in those forms as long as I wish ... not if they're male. My default form is female and so I tend to revert to the fair sex sooner or later. I have to admit, though, it can be a blessing in disguise. I can be far more ... seductive this way. And I can confirm that we girls actually enjoy sex a lot more than we pretend to the contrary. Often more than men do. Granted, I don't have a prostate, but even so, I'm loving your cock up my booty!" Nicki admitted while Lilith fingered my backdoor.

"Well, I have to confess that I'm loving this, too!" I chuckled while letting one demoness finger my asshole and pounding the Devil herself.

"I will have to get back to work on this canon stuff, and I still have a day job, too, you know," I warned Satan and her chosen consort.

"Ah, that's no fun ... well, the day job part of it, anyway. Look on the bright side. After the Rapture, you can still be in charge of the world ... without having to worry about that Armageddon mess," Lilith observed while still rubbing my prostate just right.

"It will cost me more blood on the damned Book of Revelation, but I reckon that you're right. I'm gonna have to seriously either invest in a high-iron diet or write down that I'm a vampire. Come to think of it, a vampire ruler for Earth wouldn't be the worst thing ever, would it? Like Dracula on steroids," I licked my lips at that thought while enjoying Lilith's fingers up my butthole and Satan's tush that engulfed my cock.