The Sun on my Skin Ch. 03

"You won't," I reassure her, although, in truth, my memories of Mum and Dad are now quite fragmentary and, yes, faded. But they are not gone. "Ali, it is inevitable that memories fade a little with time. Your Mum is gone, sadly, as are our parents — your grandparents. We can't change that, but we can remember them and be grateful for what they gave us. However, there will always be new things, new people in life that need your time and attention... and love. You'll be with Nessa, with your girlfriend tonight and it's only natural that you're going to think a lot about her, yes?"

"Yeah, I guess." She rubs her eyes again and there's the faint hint of a smile.

"So, do you want me to speak to Frances?"

"Um... okay... but can you not do it today?" she pleads.

"Certainly, if that's what you want," I assure her. "Are you okay?"

"Uh-huh. I mean, yes... Thanks, Tina." She leans into me and, for the first time, I feel that she really wants to be held by me. My throat is tight with emotion and I know tears are close but they are tears of pride and happiness and, yes, of love for this young woman.

Saturday 19 December

I wake slowly from a deep, dreamless sleep. The bed feels perfect: warm and soft and comfortable. I feel relaxed after last night's dancing at Quixote's. I'd decided on Quixote's, despite the memories, but I'd resolved that I wasn't going there to meet anyone, to flirt or get chatted up, just to drink and dance. Besides, after the emotional intensity of yesterday morning, I wanted somewhere familiar where I could unwind.

I was glad that Frankie and Michele and some of their friends were there, people I could chat to and dance with. It seems that I was lucky to find them as they hadn't been there in a few weeks either. Of course, that meant telling them about the Andi debacle — not the full, gory, details but I did admit sleeping with her and told them that I'd met her with her boyfriend. "Just a fucking bi-curious pussy-teaser," was Michele's brutal verdict on her.

My new and unexpected role as a parent left them speechless, albeit only momentarily in Michele's case. "You, a Mum!" she exclaimed, and I'm still not sure if she found it amazing, unbelievable or hilarious. Thankfully, Frankie was her usual, tactful and understanding self. I was tempted to open up to her, tell her of all the stresses, worries and isolation I have felt, but last night wasn't the time. I was off the leash and wanted to have some fun and dance and forget about things for once. Frankie seemed to understand; she gave me her number and said we need to meet for a coffee sometime soon.

I snuggle down sleepily, enjoying the warm caress of the covers as they cocoon me. However, my eyes can't help flicking to the right, to the glowing numbers of the alarm clock: a quarter past nine. I haven't been in bed this late for a while

I hear a muffled beep from my phone that indicates... I'm not sure: a text or an email or something. I ignore it until a few moments later, I suddenly worry that it was Ali and something urgent. Perhaps she's had another emotional meltdown about Pippa. With this thought in my head, there is no choice but to leave my cosy nest, the chill air raising goosebumps on my naked skin.

I go to where my jacket is lying crumpled on the floor, having slipped off the chair I dumped it on. After last night's drinking and dancing, I must have been too tired to bother hanging it up properly. I fumble with the jacket, trying to find the pocket with the phone. Just as my fingers finally touch it, it beeps again. I pull out the phone, and there are two text messages, both from Ali:

Heathers bringing me home now

She found out about me and Ness. Shes really upset

With all of us

The third text arrives as I'm reading the second. Oh shit. What do I do? I text back quickly:

If I call you, can I speak to Heather?

The reply comes through equally quickly:

She says no shes driving

Another text follows almost immediately:

Says she will talk when we get there if u want

Okay, so Heather knows Ali and her daughter are in love — though I can only wonder how she found out and, oh god, what they were up to. I'd better get dressed, and quickly.

I'm dressed and ready and have just started making coffee — proper filter coffee because I suspect I'm going to need every trick I can think of to sort this out — when I hear keys in the door. I hurry from the kitchen as Ali steps inside. She is upset, distraught actually, her face a mask of sadness that makes yesterday's upset pale into insignificance. I'm sure she's been crying but the rain has masked the tears. I hold out my arms, and she steps into my hug, putting her arms around me — another first that builds on yesterday's closeness. However, no matter how touching this gesture is, there are more pressing concerns right now.

"What happened?" I ask.

"We were just cuddling!" she complains, sobbing. "I mean, we had been kissing but I didn't think she'd seen us..."

"Your text said that Heather is cross with all of us. Does that mean me too?"

"Um, yeah... Ness kinda said that you didn't mind that we were in love."

"Okay," I sigh. Where is she?"

"Ness is at her home, but Heather's in the car — down the road a bit. What are you going to say to her?" she asks as I kiss her on the head and release her.

"I don't know because that depends on what she says to me. However, I'm going to do my best for you and Nessa, don't worry."

I hurry from the house and down the steps. As I head down the path I feel the intensity of the blustery rain increase, the stinging, icy drops falling harder, and I feel cold trickles running down my neck while a chill dampness seeps quickly through my clothes.

There is Heather's car, the pale blue looking grey in the dull winter light. The window descends as I approach and I can see she is upset, possibly angry. "When were you going to tell me about Ali and my daughter? I gave you a lift home, and yet you didn't mention that, that... that they think that they're in love. Don't you think I had a right to know when my daughter is doing... something like that?"

"Heather, I'm sorry but I couldn't say anything. It wasn't my place."

"Not your place? I can tell you're not a parent!" she snaps and I bite back my angry response. I take a deep breath of the wet, bitter air and can't help the shiver: the rain is soaking me to the skin.

"Look can I get into the car so we can talk?" I plead. She hesitates; after a moment her expression softens very slightly and she nods.

Climbing into the car, it's a relief to be sheltered from the rain and the warmth inside feels wonderful. "Oh god, I'm making the seat damp, I'm sorry," I apologise, but she waves her hand in an impatient dismissal. "Look, Heather, I know seeing Ali and Vanessa kissing must have been a shock..."

"Kissing? Is that all she told you they were doing? Yes, they were kissing — in bed together naked!"

"Heather, they're two teenage gay girls in love, for heaven's sake."

"Would you be so relaxed if you found Ali naked in bed with a boy?" she challenges and I hesitate. "I thought not."

"I would have other worries, certainly, and pregnancy not least of them. Look, for what it's worth, I advised Nessa that she should tell you that she and Ali are girlfriends."

"You advised her... but you didn't tell her it's wrong, and you think telling me wasn't your place. Well, Vanessa didn't tell me and the two of them still have their ridiculous... infatuation. It needs to end."

I sit in silence wondering what to say. "Heather, it's not easy, you know, coming out as gay; not to anyone, even your parents. Especially to your parents."

"What do you know about it? Is that a line from some agony aunt's help page? Or something they taught you when you became Ali's stepmother?" The bitterness is back in her voice, and her response triggers something in me.

"No! It's because I've been there, been on the receiving end of parents like you, parents who thought I was ridiculous: a girl who just needed to grow out of immature crushes and feelings, who..." I stop, aware my voice has been rising, and take a deep, calming breath, looking down at my hands for a moment. Shit, telling her this might make things worse but I've no choice now but to explain fully. "When I was nineteen I came out to Mum and Dad, told them I was a lesbian, although I'd known for several years that it was women that I was attracted to." I glance up, and as I expected, see the shocked, horrified look on Heather's face. "They... they wouldn't accept me. At first, they believed it was just something I'd grow out of, but as time went on, it was like I was just a huge disappointment to them. I couldn't talk to them about it — they simply refused to discuss it — and Pippa, my sister... God, she seemed delighted that I wasn't seen as the good and dutiful daughter any longer. Somehow, her sleeping around with men didn't seem to matter anymore because I was a dyke, a dirty lezzer..." I rub my hands, my fingers still chilled.

"You mean you're... gay? Is that what put this idea in Ali's head? Why she's doing this to Vanessa?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, no! Don't you understand? Ali is Pippa's daughter... Pippa, my homophobic, name-calling sister. I didn't dare tell Ali I was a lesbian for fear she shared Pippa's prejudices."

"Does she know now?"

"Yes; Nessa too. They were afraid of what I was going to say when I found out, but I told them that if I criticised them, it would make me a colossal hypocrite. Nessa pretty much instantly worked out what that meant about me. Bright girl, your daughter."

She stares at me, speechless, and unmoved by my compliment.

"Heather, the other night you told me things, you trusted me enough to tell me things about your life, your past. Well, I guess now we're even. Don't worry about Christmas, but you need to go home and talk to Nessa, just as I need to talk to Ali. Just remember that Nessa is Ali's oldest and best friend; she's been there during all the crap that Ali's been through. Whatever happens, whatever you say, they'll still see each other at college every day."

I don't expect any answer from Heather and she doesn't offer one. I open the car door and step out into the falling rain. Despite the cold that bites through my still-wet clothes, I bend down to look in at Heather. "Look, Vanessa may or may not be a lesbian — this is her first relationship; maybe it is an experiment or perhaps she's bisexual; maybe it is just a phase, as my parents thought about me — but don't make the same mistake they did. Don't reject her, don't pretend that her feelings aren't real." I start to stand but dip back down to say one last thing: "I don't know if Nessa's ever had a boyfriend, but if she hasn't, don't ask her how she can know if she's gay. She could just as easily ask you how you know you're straight."

Heather gives a nod, although I doubt she's grateful for my advice. I straighten up and close the car door, watching as she starts the car and backs it up a little before turning it around and driving away. With a heavy heart, I trudge back to the house.

As soon as I'm through the door, Ali wants to know what happened. "Heather didn't say much. She's upset, but how much of that is simply shock, I don't know. I told her about what happened with me and Mum and Dad and your Mum. I told her she needs to talk to Nessa and listen to what she says and how she feels."

"Should I tell Nessa?" Ali asks. "I could call her and tell her not to be afraid to talk to her Mum..."

"Maybe. Ali, what you said before, about last summer. Did she start flirting with you and was it you or she who dared the kiss? I guess what I'm asking is who made the first move? Was it you or her?"

"I dunno, really. I guess... I guess it was Ness. She used to ask if I thought some girl or woman was pretty, and then she'd say, like, 'She's a lesbian,' or 'She's only bisexual.' One time Nessa was talking about an actress — I can't remember who it was — who'd said in an interview that she'd be open to a lesbian relationship with the right girl. Nessa asked me if I'd be like that, whether there was like a 'right girl' that I'd ever consider going with."

"And?" I prompt gently.

"I said, 'Yeah, you!'. I mean, I said it like I was joking, but afterwards, I couldn't, like, stop thinking about, you know? What it would be like to kiss her and... stuff."

"And at some point, you and she realized that you weren't joking, yes?"

"Yeah. After we saw the Tomb Raider film, Ness asked if I thought whatshername, the actress playing Lara, was sexy. I said she was but what was, like, even better was that she was a strong-willed, independent woman. Ness said something like, 'Yeah, but what if she's a lesbian?' so I said that being a lesbian would make her an even better icon for women and I'd be okay with a sexy, independent lesbian as a girlfriend. That's when she dared me to kiss her."

"So in fact it was Nessa that started it, even if you quickly realized how you felt?"

"I suppose," Ali shrugs.

"And you'd been girlfriends for several weeks when your Mum passed away. I'm not surprised you wanted to go and live with Nessa."

"Yeah, but I guess it's kinda better that I'm here with you and not living with Heather right now," she admits, sadly.

"Well, I'm delighted to have been rated 'kinda better', thank you," I tell her wryly. "Go on, go and call Nessa quickly, before Heather gets home."

Sunday 20 December

Tomorrow may be the shortest day of the year but yesterday felt like it went on forever. I did my best to reassure Ali that it'll all work out and that Heather couldn't prevent them from meeting. However, I think we're both aware of how difficult Heather could make things. Besides, Ali wants more than stolen minutes here and there.

I don't feel great, either; perhaps getting soaked by freezing rain wasn't a smart idea because my sinuses are definitely complaining now, which is why I'm dripping decongestant oil onto a tissue and inhaling the pungent eucalyptus and menthol fumes in an attempt to clear my head.

"What's that smell?" Ali asks as she enters the sitting room and I hold out the bottle of oil for her to see.

"My sinuses are bunged up," I tell her.

"Has Heather called or texted you?" she asks, completely neglecting to say 'poor you' or anything else vaguely sympathetic.

"No, Ali, she hasn't," I reply, trying to hide my impatience at being asked this for about the millionth time and her lack of empathy with how I'm feeling. "I will tell you as soon as she does, I promise." Ali gives a harumph of impatience and frustration. I can only assume Heather isn't saying much to Nessa, as I'm sure she and Ali are texting each other, probably at least every ten minutes.

"Can't you call her, call Heather and ask?"

"What should I ask her, exactly?"

"Well, if she, you know..."

"If she's happy that Nessa is in love with another girl? Happy that her daughter is a lesbian? Listen, Ali, Heather loves Nessa and I think she wants Nessa to be happy, but we need to give her time to come to terms with this news. I know it's hard, but I think it's better not to risk pushing her, yes?"

"I guess. It's just so... boring!"

"Can't you find something to do?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know," I admit. In truth, I want an answer to this as much as Ali does. "We could watch a film," I suggest.

"On TV?"

"I don't know; I was thinking of the cinema actually, although I've no idea what's showing. We could go and see; at least it would be something to do, and the fresh air might help clear my head a bit."

"Okay."

"I wish you could drive like Heather!" Ali complains as we approach the cinema; the rain that's been falling for the past few minutes is getting heavier. Nevertheless, the cold air does seem to have helped my sinuses.

"I can drive," I assure her, "I just don't own a car. I don't need one to get to work — even if there was room in the car park, the bus is nearly as quick — and what's the point in paying for a lump of metal to be parked outside the flat all the time?"

"Yeah, but at least we wouldn't be getting wet!" she complains. On the plus side, the rain seems to be distracting her from Nessa. This is no bad thing as Nessa has stopped texting, apparently; I wonder if this is Nessa and Heather having their big conversation. I hope it comes out alright.

Inside the cinema, we stand looking up at the list of films showing: it's not an inspiring choice.

There's a Disney film, Frozen, what looks like another The Hobbit film, Cinema Paradiso, Anchorman 2 — another one that looks like a sequel — Nebraska and something called Kill your Darlings, which sounds horrible, but it doesn't matter because the first showing isn't until eight o'clock tonight.

"So, anything you fancy because I have no... what is it?" I ask as Ali grabs my arm, squeezing hard.

"Look, there!" her voice is low and tense. Her right hand, the one not currently cutting off the blood supply to my forearm, is by her chest but her finger points... towards the food and drinks counter. The frizzy black hair with blue ends above the short, curvy figure is unmistakably Nessa. Beside her, the tall, honey-blonde-haired woman in a loose, long coat is certainly Heather. They have their backs to us as they queue to be served. I look at Ali to meet her imploring gaze. "Please," she begs, leaning towards her girlfriend as if Nessa is magnetic.

Okay," I say, reluctantly. The alternative is leaving because there is no way Ali will want to sit through a film now.

Ali doesn't release my arm. I feel like one of those parents being towed along by an excited toddler or perhaps the owner of a large, boisterous dog that has just seen a rabbit.

"Nessa, hi!" Ali says, excited and nervous sounding. The two of them turn and I see an angry look form on Heather's face. Nessa looks up at her Mum, pleadingly.

"I didn't tell her, Mum, I promise!" Nessa protests.

"What, so they just happen to turn up here at the same time as us? I should have taken that goddamn phone off you."

"Heather," I interject as gently as I can, "it was my idea to come here. I wanted to give Ali something to distract her from what's going on. It's just coincidence — or synchronicity."

She looks unsure. "Your idea?"

"I promise. What were you going to see?"

"Frozen," Nessa chips in, possibly to prevent Heather from refusing to tell me.

"That's what I was going to suggest," Ali replies with equal alacrity, although there's little chance she'd get the ticket for a seat next to Nessa if that's what she's hoping. Unless...

"Heather, can we talk?

"I thought we had talked, yesterday."

"No, mostly I talked," I point out, "or shouted; sorry about that. To be blunt, what I did was dump selected lowlights of my life on you, so I thought you might want some time to talk about..."

"'Scuse, but are you in the queue or what?" A lad interrupts. He and his two mates are late teens, with weak, scraggly beards and grungy clothes. "Hi darlin'," he adds, looking at Nessa. Heather and I glance at each other and by unspoken agreement, move aside slightly.

"You go ahead," I tell them and we watch then amble past.

"Well..." Heather begins, uncertain.

"I can buy your ticket from you and Ali can go with Nessa. I'm sure they will be absolutely fine... and impeccably behaved," I add with emphasis. Both nod, both trying to hide their grins. Heather, however, looks far from convinced. "Heather, it's a suggestion; obviously, I don't want to deprive you if you're an avid Disney fan."