The Sun on my Skin Ch. 03

Heather does seem to be keeping an eye on me, because every time I look she's watching me, so I do my best and try the more difficult versions of the exercises. With my legs raised, holding my left leg still as I swing the right leg outwards then back, the pull on my abdominal and thigh muscles makes me wonder if I'll pay for this with a few aches in the morning.

When the class ends, I once again hang back, as the balls are put into the bags and the mats are stacked. Farewells and wishes of 'Happy Christmas' and 'See you in the New Year' are exchanged as the class empties, until just Heather and I are left. Without being asked, I help her put the equipment into the small, built-in cupboard in the corner.

"Hi," I say as she looks at me. "Oh, here's the six quid for the class." I hand her the money.

"Okay, Tina, so... are you a sudden convert to Pilates or what? That outfit looks suspiciously new."

"What, this old thing?" I ask, innocently.

"Really? So old it still has a price tag?" She reaches up and I feel her fingers touching the top of my sports bra at the back; there's a tug followed by a soft pop, and she holds out the tag: SportsNeeds £35.00

"Okay, it's a fair cop," I smile. "I came to see you, actually: to see how you are and... I wanted to thank you for the text, for saying Ali was lucky... that meant such a lot."

"You're welcome."

"Do you have time for a drink?" I ask.

"For sure; that would be nice."

"Good. I just need to get dressed." I turn and go over my bulging carrier bag.

"Here?" she exclaims.

"Don't worry, I'm not getting undressed, just putting clothes over the top."

"Ah, okay. I just need to visit the ladies' room."

Rummaging in my bag I pull out my phone first and text Ali:

Hi Ali. I'll be home in a couple of hours. Are you okay? What are you up to? x

I've put my trousers on when my phone beeps, signalling Ali's reply.

Im good. Im at Nessas house

I wince slightly at Ali's seemingly habitual disregard of the common apostrophe, but there is a more immediate question. Or two questions:

OK so 1. Does Heather know you're there, and 2. If she walked in right now would she see something that might upset her?

Her reply is immediate:

No but Heathers cool about us right

Oh god, I should have said something after reading Heather's texts. Fortunately, Heather is not about to walk in on them snogging and making out — or worse. Still...

Heather is still coming to terms with all this so you and Nessa need to take it easy and don't do anything daft. Got to go xx

I sign off hastily and hit send as Heather opens the door.

"You okay?" she asks, seeing the phone in my hand.

"Oh, er yeah. I was just texting Ali. Just letting her know how long I'd be."

"And how long will that be?"

"I told her a couple of hours. Let me finish getting dressed." As I do so, Heather retrieves and slips on a disappointingly baggy pair of sweatpants. She notices me looking.

"I assume we're going to the same pub and felt a bit... ogled last time."

"Sorry; you only had to say and I'd have looked away," I tell her with a grin. However, her cheeks flush abruptly. "Sorry, Heather, it was just a bit of gentle teasing."

"I guess."

"We could go somewhere else, somewhere where there aren't lecherous old men."

"You mean somewhere where there are lecherous young men instead?" she asks, with a slight smile, "or were you hoping for somewhere with lecherous women, perhaps?"

"Touché!" I concede. "No more teasing, I promise."

We end up going to the same pub since neither of us knows the area or have a better idea. It is, if anything, even emptier than last week, which seems surprising, just before Christmas. A few minutes later we're sat just as we were a week ago: the same seats, same drinks. Even our clothing is similar, well, in my case, anyway.

"Tina, why did you come all the way here this evening? Was it honestly just to thank me for saying something nice?"

"Well, I took part in the class too," I point out.

"Yes, in your new outfit which, by the way, definitely wins the prize for the most revealing outfit I've ever had in my class, for sure. You do have the figure for it though."

"Thanks. Well, I did quite fancy giving Pilates another go, although I didn't plan to win the skimpy outfit prize; there simply wasn't much choice in the sports shop," I smile. "It was also what you said in your text about finding it difficult. I wanted to tell you that I'm here if you need to talk at any time."

"Still worried that I'll stop Ali seeing Vanessa, is that it?"

"No... well, okay, you'd know that I was lying if I said that she didn't matter, but it's more than that. I worry about you and Nessa too. I... well, we're friends, aren't we? Anyway, the offer is there."

"Thanks," she replies, "although I don't know what you can say to help more than you have. I understand what you've said, for sure — all that about accepting her, not questioning — but it doesn't make me worry less about her or her future."

"That's understandable."

"Oh, good, that helps; makes me feel so validated," she complains. "I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help. I get that prejudice and homophobia exist, and that's bad enough, but then you tell me you've has a year of bad relationships — plural — and I can't help wondering if that's what is in store for Vanessa: her heart getting broken time and again as girls come and go from her life."

"No, Heather, it's not like that, not normally. As I said, this was a bad year — an annus horibilis if ever there was one. More of a bad year and a half, in fact. A combination of people being horrible, no little amount of stupidity on my part, and I guess, trying to do the right thing too," I sigh.

"That's... a lot of things, for sure," she says, curiosity radiating from her.

"You don't really want all the gory details, surely?"

"Uh, no, of course not... unless... I mean, would they help me understand? I did tell you about him, the guy I had a one-night stand with."

"Okay, but I'm finishing this," I take a large sip of wine, nearly emptying the glass, "and you need to get me a refill. Deal?"

"For sure."

"And I get to ask you deeply personal questions as well," I call as she walks away.

"Okay," she replies, glancing back over her shoulder, one corner of her mouth raised in a half-smile.

And so, a few minutes later, I begin telling her of Alex, my girlfriend for four years, and the increasing distance between us last year. "That was the first stupid thing I did: I booked a holiday without telling her; a week in Spain, as a surprise in late September last year. We hadn't had a holiday during the summer, you see."

"That sounds like a great idea," Heather tells me. "Get away together, reconnect, all that."

"That's what I thought. It was the choice of holiday that was stupid. Or maybe the way she got upset about it was just an act, a way to finish with me. I'm pretty sure she'd been seeing someone else for a while by then."

"What was wrong with the holiday?" Heather asks, and I feel my cheeks warming.

"Okay... well... oh shit. It was at a naturist resort," I confess, my voice low.

"A natur... oh, I get it; you mean like, not clothes?" Her voice has also dropped to almost a whisper. "Really?"

"Yeah. I thought, you know, seeing each other nude..."

"Er, yes, I get the idea. So you never went?" Her eyes widen as she reads my expression. "Okay, you did go. On your own?"

"Um no. I went with a young woman, Jojo... she worked in my office. We were just friends, though we'd gone out for meals a few times and had this 'let's try unusual food' thing going."

"Okay. So was she, like a naturist? Was she gay too?"

"Er... well... I kind of didn't tell her when I invited her; I just said it was a holiday in Spain and I had a spare ticket, you know? And I didn't know if she was gay, but I had a sort of feeling that she might be. Okay, I admit it: I fancied her."

"And?"

"And it turned out my intuition was right: she was gay... but it wasn't me that helped her discover that but Marta, the daughter of the owners of the naturist resort. We went out a few times after we got back, but she was worried about coming out to her mum and dad, she said, scared of what her family and friends would think. I should have paid more attention to the fact that she was reading books in Spanish."

"Why, what happened?"

"In April she jacked in her job and moved to Spain, to Aldea Naturista, the naturist resort, to work there and be with Marta. They're still together, as far as I know."

"That must have been hard for you, although... it does sound a bit, you know, romantic," Heather points out. I feel a surge of irritation at her insensitivity but it quickly passes and I sigh in resignation.

"I suppose from an outsiders' perspective it is... okay, it is kind of sweet, and they did look cute together," I admit.

"That left you on your own though," she sympathises. "Is that where that place... Quixotes comes in?"

"In a way, I suppose. There was — is — another woman at work, Jan... What's that look for?"

"Sorry, it's just that I've always heard that relationships with colleagues can be... risky, I guess."

"You're trying to guess the ending, but the fact that we work together wasn't the issue." And so I embark upon the tale of Janet and me and Tanwen. To my surprise, I find the experience is cathartic: Heather is a good listener, and although her approval of my actions in bringing Jan and Tanwen together is much the same as Aunt Paulette's, the fact that Heather isn't family makes her praise much more... validating. That doesn't stop me from seeking reassurance that she truly means it.

"So, you think I did the right thing, tricking the two of them the way I did?"

"Tina, it was very kind of you... and brave too, since they're both colleagues. I assume they're still together?"

"Very much so; Jan moved in with Tanwen a few weeks after that first weekend, although I think Jan's husb... ex-husband demanding they sell their house was partly the reason. They even invited Ali and me over for Christmas, if we weren't doing anything."

"Are you going?"

"No. I told them that I didn't think Ali would be too keen on being dropped into a Christmas with a strange family, not after Pippa. I was also worried about how she'd react to a lesbian couple, ironically." I give her a wry smile.

"Tina, that invitation — Vanessa and me coming for Christmas Dinner... I know it's kinda late, but well, does it still stand?"

"What?" I ask in surprise before recovering. "Yes, yes of course... do you really want to?"

"Yes, if that's okay."

"Well, I'll need to go and buy a turkey... and stuffing... sprouts, potatoes..."

"Mashed and roasted," she smiles.

"What? No, just roasted!" I protest.

"Okay, but don't forget the cranberries, the parsnips..."

"Fine, fine: just a small Christmas banquet for four it is then."

"I could bring dessert and something for Vanessa too, so you don't have to deal with the vegetarian option. Are you done?" she asks, gesturing to my almost empty second glass. "I'll drop you home."

"Um, just a moment..." I hastily pull my phone out.

Hi Ali, are you still at Nessa's?

Thankfully, she replies promptly, if not at length:

Yes

"Yes, er, Ali is at your place so if I come back with you, I can take Ali home." I flinch inwardly at the way her happy expression suddenly darkens.

"You knew she was there, didn't you? I saw the reply she sent — 'Yes' — so you couldn't have asked where she was, but if she was still somewhere you expected or knew her to be. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I... okay, I found out just after the class, so I wasn't going to say anything then, not before I knew how you were. Since then, you've been listening to just how crap I am at relationships." I sigh in frustration at the sudden change in mood. "Look, Heather, if I genuinely wanted to keep it a secret, I could have just told Ali to get out because you were on your way home."

"I guess you're right," she concedes.

"Okay Heather, this is one of those deeply personal questions you promised to answer, okay? How do you really feel about Vanessa being in love with Ali? We both know they're not going to have spent the evening playing Monopoly together so, honestly, how do you feel about it?" I ask gently, and she is silent as she gently bites on her lower lip.

"I... I do want to do right by Vanessa, for sure. I know I need to accept her sexuality, but that doesn't stop me worrying, you know?" She looks at me, awkwardly. "I guess I'm also... not jealous but... I guess it makes me aware that I don't have someone who loves me like that. D'you understand?"

"Yes, Heather, I do," I assure her. "You've put your love life on hold because of Vanessa and now she's in a relationship and you..."

"And I'm not," she says flatly.

"I was going to say you must feel a bit left behind. But that can change now, surely?" I point out.

"Will you be going out now, trying to meet someone?"

"Well, I did go out when Ali was at your place, the Friday before last. I wasn't looking to meet someone, not for, er..."

"A one-night stand?" Heather suggests, standing and slipping her jacket on. I guess that means we're going, so I do the same.

"No... and not just because of Ali, although I'm not sure it would be good for her, someone new coming into our home, you know? I'm not saying that I couldn't have been tempted," I smile half-heartedly, "but I want something a bit deeper. Anyway, it was nice just to get out, meet some people I know and just dance." I follow as she starts to leave. She doesn't say anything, so I guess the lift is still on.

As we approach, the amber lights on Heather's car flash and there is a soft double beep as she unlocks the car with the remote control. Despite the damp and bitter air, there's a moment's hesitation as we face each other over the roof of the car.

"What?" I ask, wondering what she's thinking.

"No, nothing... just wondering about you and your horrible year-and-a-half: it seems like you were always so keen to be in a relationship," she tells me. Is that true? I realize I've been staring at her, open-mouthed, and close my jaw with a snap.

"I suppose, yes. Maybe that was the problem — always on the rebound," I muse. "Even the one night st... um," I cut my words short, not wanting to embarrass her... or myself. It's true though: even the one-night stands and the commitment-less sex was a reaction to losing Jan. "Maybe Ali arriving in my life was a blessing," I smile.

We climb into the car. "Are you okay?" I ask as I clip my seatbelt into place.

"I'm okay. Let's go and spoil our girls' fun," she replies, unexpectedly.

PART IV — A different Christmas

Thursday 24 December

Hi Heather, you and Nessa are coming tomorrow yes?

Yes Tina, Vanessa and I will be there for sure.

Good. Just going to buy Turkey and the rest so I just wanted to check

You're only going out to buy the turkey NOW??? It's already gone 2 pm on Christmas Eve! Are you mad woman?

I've never bought stuff for xmas dinner before. You think there'll be a problem?

Tina, people I know either buy or order a turkey in advance. You better get going!

Oh shit. I'm going now. Thanks x

...

Hi Heather, just leaving the supermarket — loads of food and with a turkey that was half price too! :-)

That was either providence or you're one lucky bitch!

Beginners luck. You and Nessa better be here tomorrow because 1 this is not a small turkey and 2 I've never cooked xmas dinner before!

I promise. I'm looking forward to it, really I am. It'll be fun. xx

And before you ask, Vanessa doesn't know.

Excellent. Ali doesn't either. I'm looking forward to tomorrow too xx

See you at 10:30

Yes. If you let me know how big the bird is and I'll work out the cooking times just in case it'll take 6 hours to cook! xx

Thanks, Heather xx

Friday 25 December

"Isn't this kinda lots of potatoes for two of us?" Ali complains as she peels, "and that turkey's like, humongous!"

"Well, there weren't that many to choose from, were there? At least it was half price and, besides, isn't having a ton of food part of Christmas?" I reply.

"I guess, but we'll be eating turkey until, like Easter."

"Okay, maybe it is a bit on the big side," I concede. It is too: There wasn't a huge selection, it's true, but I've never bought a turkey before, and stupidly, I had four people in mind — forgetting that Nessa is vegetarian — and had probably massively overestimated even for four. "Here are the carrots and parsnips, if you could also peel them, please."

"Tina, you do know that this is like, Christmas Day, right? I mean, we haven't even done presents yet," she complains.

"All in good time. Let's get the food prepped, and then we can relax." I glance at the clock: twenty past ten.

She huffs impatiently but carries on peeling. Hopefully, they'll be here soon, although Heather didn't tell me how she's going to explain coming over here to Nessa. Okay, what else needs doing? Um... yes, stuffing for the turkey. I look at the recipe: finely chop a small onion... I really hope Heather is here soon to help with actually stuffing this damn bird!

I heave a sigh of relief when there's a knock at the front door. "Who's that?" Ali asks.

"I don't know," I shrug as I finish chopping the onion. "Carol singers?" When I don't make a move she gets the hint and goes to answer the door when the knocking comes again. I follow a moment later, wanting to see her reaction.

"Nessa!" she exclaims happily.

"Hi... I persuaded Mum to let me come over and give you your present. Some friend of hers, Nita or someone, has invited us to dinner, so I asked if we could come here first."

"Cool, come in. Lemme get yours." Ali immediately turns and heads to her room.

"Come in, Nessa," I say, "Where's your Mum?"

"In the car."

"I'll go and say hello." I wait until Nessa has passed the chair in the hall before slipping out and down the steps. Heather is already heading up the path carrying a couple of bags, one of which she holds out to me.

"Here: it's a veggie pie for Vanessa and Christmas pudding. And a few mince pies, too."

"Thanks," I reply, taking the bag. "So Nessa wanted to come here anyway?"

"Of course she did! Still, it made it easy, that's for sure."

"A good job she's not good at anagrams," I smile. "Nita might have been a bit obvious."

"Hey, I was kinda proud of that," she gently slaps my arm playfully.

"Well, clearly Nessa doesn't suspect, and Ali is very happy she's here. I'm glad you're here too," I add, truthfully, as we start climbing the steps.

"Thanks, me too. This is certainly going to be... different." I glance back at her.

"True. But this Christmas always was going to be different for me. Do you fancy an Irish coffee? You know, coffee with Irish whiskey and the cream floating on top. My aunt and uncle always do them on Christmas day."

"Okay, but not too much whiskey or I won't be able to drive later."

"You could always get a cab," I suggest. "Not that I'm suggesting you get hammered."

"I haven't been drunk since I was in my early twenties."

"Is that pride or regret I hear?" I ask with a smile.

"Hmmm... maybe a bit of both, if I'm honest," she replies with a little laugh.