The Tale Of The Ghostly Ass Eater

This is just a silly story I made.

The clocked ticked 3pm, it was that awkward part of the day that was too far away from finishing time to be the home stretch, but not far enough to be in that sweet post lunch contentment. Time was dragging, Josie was a scientist and knew for a fact that the last minute was the standard 60 seconds, but somewhere she doubted that it really did consist of 60 and maybe 600, because it sure felt like that.

The phone hadn't rang for what felt like days, the email inbox was empty and no amount of refreshing the page was going to change how empty it was. She leant back in her chair and stared out the window to the sunny day outside, the smell of diesel wafted up from the street below, about 10 floors down someone was having engine problems, loudly.

The door busted open and Josie's gleeful partner strolled into the room with a big smile on her face and her phone in her hand like she was about to commit a robbery and her weapon of choice was an iPhone. Josie felt threatened, but at least it was a change to the mind numbing boredom.

"You won't believe what I found, it's a case!" yelled Gretchen, her wolf-like smile widening as she thrust her phone into Josie's face.

Josie adjusted her glasses to read the text on the small screen.

"...abandoned library home to infamous ghost." Josie read. "Well, what do you think?" Gretchen asked, her excitement was being propelled in every direction.

"It looks like a news article. It's not a case unless we're being paid by a client." Josie said, factually.

Gretchen's thinking was almost audible. "Josie, what if I told you there was a way to get paid to do this investigation, without actually solving the case." he replied, deviously.

"I'd say you were lying, but come on then. Let's hear it." Josie replied, her words full of the cynicism that only years of experience could permit.

"Well... this ghost is infamous right...."

"...Yes...?"

"And if we filmed ourselves interacting with it, we could make a lot of money on views."

Josie rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair, reaching across to the computer mouse and clicking on the refresh button, still nothing. "So, let me get this straight. You want us to film ourselves interacting with a ghost...", "Yup!"

"... that may or may not even be there."

"Oh it's there alright, I've got several witness testimonies."

Josie perked up a bit. "Oh really? Let's see." Gretchen forced a smile. "It's uh, quite a unique ghost." she replied.

Josie's scepticism reared it's head again, it wasn't that she didn't think the ghost would be unique, she just didn't trust her partner. With the speed of a lightning crack, Gretchen's phone made it into Josie's hands.

"The PHANTOM ASS EATER?! Oh for fuck's sake Gretchen, there's no fucking way this is real. This has to be a parody article." she said, scrolling down, her eyes went wide as she saw it was from a reputable outlet.

"What the fuck..." she said, digging deeper, following links and finding yet more corroborating evidence.

Gretchen was trying her hardest to contain a smile, there was a certain joy in being right that she didn't get to experience very often. She soaked it up whilst she could.

"This is insane. You're telling me that people go into this library and the ghost just... fucking... eat's their ass?!" Josie said, dropping the phone onto the pile of documents that cluttered the desk. She briefly turned her head and looked at her diploma's on the wall. Accolades and academic achievements looked down at her.

"The universe has to be messing with me." she finally said, defeated.

"So we're going tonight yeah?" Gretchen asked, mischievously.

Josie cast a glare at Gretchen. "It IS a ghost, the only one we've got a lead on in the area besides pipes in the attic and someone claiming they felt something briefly once. You've seen the report, there's like 5 witnesses..."

"Really Gretchen, the phantom fucking ass eater?" she said, exasperated.

"I don't think people are imagining their asses being eaten." Gretchen retorted.

It was a sign, she knew. She'd been chasing ghosts for years and had nothing to show for it, every house it was a winter breeze causing a window to creak, rats in the downstairs pantry making those rattling noises, or in one case, an actual squatter in their home that would eat their ice cream from the freezer. It was getting to the point that they either had to prove something or admit defeat and close down the office. They weren't paid to disprove things, they needed something.

Josie glanced up a the calendar and let out a deep sigh. Rent was due in a week.

"One night. One camera." she said.

"Oh good, my stuff is already in the car waiting, hurry up." Gretchen replied as she walked out the door.

Josie might have an IQ of 140 but she was constantly hopelessly outmatched by this adorable idiot, she knew before she entered the room that they would both be heading off tonight to chase the stupidest ghost she had ever heard of.

It took Josie a surprising amount of time to get all her gear into a bag for a vigil, it wasn't a case of packing clothes, it was all the highest technology in supposed ghost hunting tech. An Electromagnetic frequency meter that made an annoying noise when ghosts were supposedly in the area, it was a staple in ghost hunting though as useful as a smoke detector on bonfire night, it was constantly going off and the false readings made it unreliable. Next up was the "Spirit Radio" which was just a regular radio that would alternate through the channels very quickly to supposedly allow ghosts to communicate, however on the same level that a million monkeys with a million typewriters may eventually produce the works of Shakespeare; playing radio stations one after the other in quick succession would eventually produce some words that almost make sense. Other than these two questionable objects, the tools of the trade consisted of a night vision camera, some hand held microphones and voice recorders, an infrared attachment for the camera and a very sturdy torch.

Gretchen had only really brought what she considered to be the essentials, her phone charger, her night dress and a Nintendo Switch for when she got bored. Josie was going on an exploration into the realms of the supernatural and Gretchen was planning a slumber party. They were partners, but like a ventriloquist and their puppet, the amount of work each put into the act was uneven.

The library had a deep history that Josie read up on as Gretchen drove them to the location. It was erected in 1960 and was a library. Josie had never seen such a bland location before in her life, no one had even attempted to spice the place up or give it any kind of paranormal backstory, it was just a library until one day in 2003 when it suddenly wasn't.

However in the last few years a series of young adults, urban explorers and paranormal investigators had entered The Stokes Library and found themselves moist downstairs with no identifiable source to the unexplained moisture.

Josie was staring intently at her phone like she had just discovered the secrets of the universe and they didn't impress her. It wasn't like the internet to be scarce on details like this, the article even had "Ass Eater" in the title, why skimp on the details at this point? She tried flicking safe search on and off to see if that made a difference but all it did was sully her search history.

Then near the bottom of the page was a link to one of the paranormal investigation channels, which in turn had a link to a porn site. Josie turned down the volume on her phone, the last thing she needed was Gretchen giggling like a school girl at the sound of people clapping cheeks.

Against her better judgement, Josie put in her headphones and pressed play. A grainy video began playing, it was the foyer of the library at night, a green hue of a nightvision video was unmistakable at this point. The sound of heavy breathing could be heard as the cameraperson lead the viewer into another room where their breathing increased as they turned to face something in the corner of the room. Josie felt her heart rate increasing as the blurry object was brought into view. A green mass turned into a human shaped blob and eventually into a young man who had his jeans around his ankles, on his hands and knees, looking up into the camera. One of them shouted to the other and pleasured screams were heard as the eyes of the man in shot rolled up until his reflective pupils had vanished. Then the video ended.

"So what does the ghost do then?" Gretchen asked as they rode along into the old town.

"Well, it eat's asses. Said Josie, scientifically.

The drive didn't take long but the thoughts running through Josie's mind were only slightly unprofessional as the car pulled up to the disused library. The building seemed to look down on them as the van was parked outside it's large, foreboding front door. Two gargoyles seem to stare you down from either side of the door. 'no wonder this place is disused' though Josie as she got out and started gathering her things.

Whilst most of her scientific instruments were solely for her use, Gretchen was the camera-lady and she was surprisingly good at it for someone who couldn't focus on a single thought for more than a few seconds.

Gretchen sauntered up to the front door, ignoring the gargoyles completely and produced a key to open the front doors.

"You have a key?" Josie asked.

"Yeah, I contacted the last paranormal investigation team that went in and they hooked me up with the key." she replied.

"Did... uh, did they say anything about their experience?" Josie asked, shyly.

Gretchen turned and grabbed Josie's hand and pulled it to her chest and looked her deep in the eyes. "They said it was... unforgettable." Josie blushed hard and yanked her hand back as Gretchen burst out laughing.

"You dope." she replied, angrily.

The door swung open to reveal the dimly lit foyer from the video. The faded posters hung limply from the wall, old damaged books were stacked up against the front desk and there was enough dust to cause serious harm to anyone with allergies. Josie's eyes trailed over to the corner of the room where her mind superimposed the subject of the video getting his ass eaten in the corner of the room.

"So, according to the research, the ghost only really appears after dark." Josie stated, factually.

"It waits until nightfall to begin it's ghostly adventures into the butts of unsuspecting investigators!" Gretchen answered, mockingly.

"We're here to catch the ghost on film for the University, we aren't here to 'experience' this supposed ghosts' party trick. If we don't catch anything on film by morning then I'm going somewhere else." Josie replied, firmly.

"Sheesh, okay. I just think it's funny, you don't think it's real do you?" Gretchen asked.

"No." Josie huffed, walking off into the library to set up her gear.

Gretchen pulled the door shut and the thin shaft of light that came from the outside world was cut off, as the room was suddenly plunged into darkness. She reached into her bag and pulled out a cloth and began trying to clean the windows. Her expression turned sour, this was pretty gross, but after a few minutes the results spoke for themselves as some light returned to the room.

Meanwhile, climbing the stairs to the upper floor, Josie found herself staring at all the abandoned books in the various rooms. She reached down and picked up a dusty book, giving it a wipe with her hand to reveal the books title. 'The Art Of Cunnilingus'. She rolled her eyes and immediately dropped the book to the floor, 'of all the books to pick up' she thought as she continued down the hallway. She entered into the children's reading room, faded furniture was caught in the half-light of a window where someone had drawn a smiley face in the dust. Walking up to the window she looked wistfully out into the street, half of her childhood was spent in places like this. It suddenly dawned on her that the smiley face drawn in the dust was fresh, she raised her glasses to take a closer look.

Suddenly behind her the sound of the ghost radio sprung into life. "...ass..." came a voice through the static. Josie froze, looking down at the bag she put down in the door, "...ass..." it said again as it cycled through the channels.

"What the..." she said, marching up to it to turn it off when a knee high reading table suddenly moved in front of her, tripping her up and causing her to fall over one of the children's bean bags. Dust blew up into the air and she coughed. "...ass...ass...ass...ass" said the spirit radio over and over as Josie struggled to get up out of the beanbag.

Suddenly the door swung back open as Gretchen walked over looking down at Josie bent over the beanbag. "What are you doing down there?" she asked. Josie looked up and sighed. "I... think I fell." she replied, unsure of what really happened. "Cute undies." Gretchen stated, Josie's skirt had hiked up in the fall and her underwear had a cupcake pattern on it. "Stop staring at my ass, pervert and help me up." Josie complained.

Gretchen lifted Josie up and gave her a playful pat on the butt when she was standing upright, the size difference in the two girls was enough that side by side, Josie looked like a doll next to Gretchen.

"Did... you hear the radio?" Josie asked. Gretchen shook her head and looked down into Josie's bag, it was switched off.

"The.. spirit radio was going nuts, I fell over a table..." Josie replied.

"It's not even on Josie." She stated.

"Well it was a minute ago, I heard it." she said, Gretchen shrugged. Josie wrinkled her nose, adjusted her glasses and stormed out of the room.

The two were sitting in the foyer, Josie's nose buried in her phone as she tried to dig up some information about the library. Digging through results for the Stokes Library had yielded very little, there were actually multiple in the county since they were all donated to the region by the same woman. Nothing relevant had happened specifically in this branch to cause a local spirit to... haunt this place.

Then something she saw piqued her interest, Mary Stokes herself. After a little searching there was an account by a local man detailing 'the secret perverted life of Mary Stokes', it was a little shady but all they really had to go on.

Tapping on the link lead to a man named Andrew Blackwell, and his story about how Mary Stokes, a wealthy entrepreneur in the 1960's would constantly hound him and his wife for "undisclosed sexual favours" after she saved his business by investing in it heavily. It was a newspaper article from the era so there wasn't much on the details of the sexual favours, just that she requested many lewd things from Mr. Blackwell and his wife.

"Hey, check this out. I sent you a link." Josie said to Gretchen who was playing her Switch, ever the professional.

Gretchen pulled out her phone and read the article. "Imagine wanting to eat ass that bad." she chuckled.

"Oh fuck, look, there's more accounts at the bottom of the page!" Gretchen exclaimed.

Josie scrolled down and indeed, there were more articles. Several men and women from the local area were blackmailed into... 'allowing Miss Stokes to perform oral sex on them' said one scandalous news rag article.

Surely this hurt her reputation, she made all this money and donated to honest, charitable things like libraries and orphanages... and then went around at night blackmailing people so she could eat their asses. This was messed up.

"Do you think her ghost is here?" asked Gretchen.

"I... don't know." Josie answered, cautiously.

The two of them looked around the room, the library was large and as the sun went down it became even more foreboding. Josie reached into her bag and put on this headband that had a flashlight on it, Gretchen chuckled.

"You look goofy in that." Gretchen stared blankly at Josie.

"I want to be able to see where I'm going, put your switch away we're going on a little expedition, I want to get this ghost captured as soon as possible so we can get out of here." Josie explained.

Gretchen sighed, slipping her little console into her bag and picked up the camera. She may have laughed at Josie's headlamp, but Josie never cracked a smile at Gretchen's belt of little glowsticks she wore to illuminate the space around her. "It's dim enough to not interfere with recording and it lets me see where I'm going" she'd always say with a proud smile. This time however the green ones had run out so she was wearing a skirt made of multiple different coloured glowsticks and looked like she got lost on the way to a rave.

Josie had her EMF meter in her hand and it made a load of random high pitched squealing noises as she walked down the first floor hallway. Gretchen gritted her teeth, she hated the sound that thing made.

Josie turned a corner and the EMF meter went wild, the needle hitting maximum. Gretchen pushed past her to point the camera down the corridor but there wasn't anything there. Suddenly the meter went quiet.

"I think it's just messing with us." Josie stated.

"The ghost?", gretchen asked. "No, the meter." Josie replied, turning it off.

The two edged further down the hallway, on the left were several spooky looking storage rooms and on the right was the staff office.

"Is it me or is it getting hot in here?" said Gretchen, wiping beads of sweat from her forehead. Josie nodded, pulling the front of her blouse to air it. Josie checked the temperature, it was way too high for an unheated, disused library.

"There's something not right here." said Josie.

Gretchen put the camera between her legs to hold it with her thighs as she took off her jumper, underneath was her tight t-shirt and her breasts pushed hard against it, her nipples obvious even in the dim light.

Josie stared, 'damn', she thought. After a few second's she realised she was staring. "Y-you really went bra-less to THIS place?" she asked, defensively.

Gretchen looked down at Josie's thighs, they were glistening. "Say's the girl in the short skirt. You're asking for it." Gretchen replied, a little hint of a nervous grin in her smile.

Josie looked down at her skirt and blushed, she didn't plan her outfit this morning for a ghost hunting session. She sighed and continued down the hallway. The temperature continued to rise the further they went down, it was now uncomfortable.

"Isn't there a myth about ghosts making rooms change temperature?" asked Gretchen.

"It's about making rooms colder, not hotter. This has to be a malfunctioning boiler or something."

"Why would the boiler be working in an abandoned library?" Gretchen asked.

Josie didn't respond, she knew it was illogical. The lights and sockets didn't work, why would the boiler work? She just turned away and walked down the corridor. Near the end was a door with a set of stairs marked on it, since they'd already passed the grand staircase, this had to lead to the basement.

"Maybe we can find the source and shut it off down there." posed Josie.

She leaned forward and opened the door and a wave of heat erupted up from the basement. Josie was now heavy breathing, the heat was unbearable. She was sweating so bad that her underwear was clinging to her. Gretchen's t shirt was stuck to her and the two were now overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

"We need to get down there, and turn off the boiler." said Josie, pointing down the stairs.

The sound of a large creak followed by a slam came from further up the hallway, freaking the two out.

"What was that?" asked Josie, jumping towards Gretchen and into her arms. The two froze as they waited to see if there was anything to follow the sound. Despite the heat, the two hugged each other tightly, Josie's head almost resting into Gretchen's breasts. An agonising amount of time passed. Then suddenly a light flashed down the hallway.