The Time Machine

"Like in the Rocky Horror Picture Show?"

"Pardon?

""You know," Piper said, and sang, "Let's do the Time Warp againnn..."

He winced at her off-key rendition. "I'm sorry, I don't spend a lot of my free time watching movies."

"Oh, uh, neither do I. But what I really don't get is how you discovered you had to put...you know...spermatawhatza in it."

"It's pronounced spermatozoa. There was an embarrassing but ultimately fortunate accident one night when I was working in my lab -- alone -- and unintentionally ejaculated on the time machine prototype. From that accident, I discovered that spermatozoa cells, like stem cells, had beneficial properties that had previously been unknown. Locked in these cells are what I call time nuclei, and the reactor splits these, just like in nuclear fission, to create a time explosion."

Piper stared blankly at the professor; everything he'd said had gone right over her head. But she was pretty sure he was telling her that the time machine ran on cum. "So if you aren't going to jerk off, how do you plan on getting more...time machine fuel?"

"That's why I set the time machine to bring us here, to eighteenth century Russia. If my information is accurate, Yekaterina Alexeevna is in a town on the other side of these woods."

"Who?"

"Catherine the Great."

"Who?"

The professor sighed. "You really need to start reading more books and watching less movies. Catherine the Great was the Empress of Russia, and one of its most renowned and historically significant leaders."

Piper slowly nodded her head. "Oh, yeah...I think I just watched a show about her on the History Channel. So, how does it help us if she's in this town?"

"I intend to have intercourse with her."

Piper laughed out loud. "Are you kidding me? You think you can just get an audience with the Queen of Russia, and then ask her if you can screw her? Wouldn't it be easier to find a farmgirl and a haystack?"

"Probably, but like I said earlier, the time jump would be too small. We need to make the largest possible time jumps so we can get back to the first century as quickly as we can. And for large time jumps, we need famous people."

Piper was perplexed. "What does it matter if they're famous or not?"

"We discovered, accidentally, that the more historically significant the person is, or will be, has a direct correlation to the quality of the time nuclei. We were in eighteenth century France when Professor Carr went into a village to collect material for the time machine. When she returned, we put it into the reactor and discovered that the semen was twice as potent as any we had previously used. We went back to the village to investigate, and discovered that the young lieutenant who had bedded her was none other than the future emperor Napoleon."

"Oh, I just watched a documentary on him too!" Piper said. "But, he was famous; you're not. What difference does it make how or where you come?"

"Again, its very difficult to explain. But it's related to the point of conception."

Piper's jaw dropped. "You're going to get the queen pregnant?!"

"No, the point of conception -- not actual conception. Professor Carr, through exhaustive research, discovered that the semen she gathered through oral manipulation was more potent than any gathered through manual manipulation. And semen gathered through actual intercourse was the most potent of all."

"Wow...sounds like she really liked doing research."

"Yes. She did. Needless to say, the most potent material is that produced through sexual intercourse between two historically significant people. So the fastest way for us to go back through time is for me to attempt to copulate with as many famous women as I can which, I fear, may be more difficult than it sounds."

"Oh, don't worry," Piper said, "it sounds plenty difficult. But you said two famous people. You aren't famous -- are you?"

"Not yet, but if the time machine's readings of my semen are any indication, I will be."

Piper crossed her arms and looked him up and down skeptically. "Well, I still don't think you've got a chance. If I was you, I'd keep looking for bowlegged farmgirls."

The professor sighed. "Look, this isn't easy for me either. Let's just say...sex isn't one of my strong points."

"Yeah, right," Piper thought, remembering the escort's cries of pleasure as he hammered her on his office couch.

He continued. "Professor Carr took it upon herself -- as a historical scholar -- to enter villages and towns to gather material for the time machine. She was very good at...collecting, and often brought back more material than we could even use. There was no need for Deidre or myself to be involved. Other than the recent encounter in my office and the initial...accident, this will be my first contribution to the time reactor."

Piper arched an eyebrow, and said, "Well, don't expect me to go looking for any contributions."

"Of course not," he said, as they exited the woods and saw a village in the distance. "You have to stay here and guard the time machine."

Piper waited by the cart while the few weary-looking villagers who passed her on the path minded their own business. Twilight was fading when the professor finally returned.

"Well, did you get to see the Queen?" she asked.

"Not even close," the professor answered. "I tried to talk to the guards at the main gate, but didn't realize how rusty my Russian is. I could barely understand them, but they made it pretty clear that, if I didn't leave, the only part of the castle I would be seeing was the dungeon."

"So that's it?" Piper said. "We went back in time and all I got to see was trees?"

"Not quite," the professor said, and pulled a knotted condom, full of semen, out of his pocket. "We're not going back yet."

"Gross! Is that yours? Or some other guy's?"

"Mine, of course! I didn't get in to see the Empress, but fortunately for us she wasn't the only woman in the village."

"So...a farmgirl?"

"I wish. I stopped at an inn to buy us some food and was approached by a...woman of ill repute."

Piper made a disgusted face, and said, "You screwed a 300-year old hooker? Eww...good thing you wore a rubber."

"Unfortunately, I didn't put on the condom until after we had intercourse."

"Umm, doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?"

"For our purposes? No. Professor Carr discovered through her thorough research that any type of barrier between the two subjects seems to inhibit the time nuclei. She approached three young shepherds on a hill one day and, when she discovered they had sheepskin condoms, had them wear them while she masturbated them. We were quite disappointed when we put the material in the time reactor and found it completely inert.

"We also, as she often collected more than we needed, tried to save the semen for future time jumps, but time travel also seems to render the time nuclei inert."

"Wow," Piper said. "Sounds like Professor Carr was quite the cum collector. I can see why you need to rescue her so bad. What about your assistant? Aren't we going to rescue her too?"

The professor fell silent. He looked up at the stars, and when he looked back at Piper she could see tears welling in his eyes. "I'm afraid that...Deidre died."

Piper's eyes went wide with shock. "Died?! I thought you said she was lost. You told me time travel wasn't dangerous!"

"It isn't, it's completely safe. Deidre's death was...a terrible accident."

"What do you mean, how did she die?"

"I really don't want to discuss it, the memory is still very painful," he said, wiping his eye with his sleeve. "But I promise you, I won't let the same thing happen to you, Piper."

He slid back the false wooden floor and adjusted the reactor's time controls. Turning toward Piper, he said, "I just need to make sure you're in the proximity," and pulled her tightly against him as he pressed the button.

* * *

Piper tried to blink the spots away from in front of her eyes, wishing she'd remembered to shut them. She looked around the grove of trees they were in and bent down to pick up one of the golden maple leaves littering the forest floor.

"Are we in Canada?" she asked.

The professor checked the time machine's readouts. "No, we're in Pennsylvania...in the year 1724."

"So -- let me guess -- you're going to go find the Queen of Pennsylvania?"

The professor raised an eyebrow. "There's no royalty around here, and I doubt there's anyone famous either."

"So, who's supposed to help you make goo for the time machine?"

Piper noticed the professor glancing at her; she knew the look in his eye. "Oh, no. Don't even think about it! There's no way I'm helping...get you off. If that's what you wanted, you should have brought that hooker instead."

"I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to find famous women or, for that matter, any women to help me. Professor Carr made it seem so easy. It would make things so much easier if you'd just let me -- "

Piper crossed her arms in front of her. "No. Way."

The professor sighed; he knew his only hope was to find a whorehouse. He left Piper by the cart and headed off down the path in search of the nearest town. As soon as he was out of sight, she followed. She had no intention of spending her time journeying through history guarding the time machine.

When she caught up to the professor, while still making sure to stay out of sight, he was talking to an old, gray-bearded farmer and trying to get directions to the nearest town.

Piper watched as the farmer shook his head and signaled for the professor to wait while he went into his small log house. When he came back out a young woman, who appeared to be his daughter and was probably no older than nineteen, accompanied him.

The girl had wispy blonde hair tied up under a white bonnet and a white apron over her dark dress. The professor nodded at her in greeting, but she kept her head down and didn't make eye contact.

Piper was too far away to make out the conversation clearly, but thought the farmer was trying to convince the professor to have his daughter lead him to town. At first he politely refused, but when the farmer kept insisting he finally relented. The two men shook hands, and Piper watched as the professor led the young girl down the path away from the small farm that was her home.

They hadn't gone far when the professor pulled her to the side of the path by a large oak tree. Piper moved closer, trying to see what they were doing, and was shocked when she realized the professor had pulled his cock out and was wrapping the young girl's hand around it.

He looked both ways down the path to make sure no one was coming as the girl, who kept her head down the whole time, obediently stroked his shaft hard. After no more than a minute, he had her turn around, bending her over as she leaned against the trunk of the oak tree.

Piper snuck closer trying to get a better view, and watched as he bunched the girl's dark dress up around her waist. She didn't have anything on underneath and he held her hip as he lined himself up with her hole.

The girl glanced back over her shoulder, gently biting her lower lip as she waited for him, and moaned as he slid his cock into her pussy. Once he was completely inside he leaned over and whispered something to her. When she nodded, he started to pump his cock in and out of her with long, slow strokes.

The girl was slumped against the tree trunk as he fucked her, and even from far away Piper could tell she was enjoying every second of it.

She braced herself against the tree trunk and started humping her pale ass back against the professor, impaling herself on his pole. And as he picked up the pace, hammering his thick cock between her legs, her moans echoed through the trees.

There was a movement to Piper's right and she spotted the old farmer sneaking down the trail, heading toward the sounds of fucking. She was just about to shout a warning to the professor when the farmer stopped, hidden behind a nearby tree. He obviously had no qualms about the professor fucking the girl, as he pulled his pecker out and tugged it while he watched them.

The professor held the young girl by her shoulders as he slammed his swollen shaft in and out of her. Piper could hear her tiny ass slapping against the professor's hips as he pounded away. Finally, he pulled out of her and whipped a condom onto his cock, groaning as he filled it with cum.

The girl wrapped her arms around him and kept kissing him while he tried to pull his pants up. Piper checked down the path and saw the farmer, who'd shot his load while watching them, also tucking himself back into his pants.

The professor was apologizing to the girl, who was pleading with him to take her with him, when he spotted Piper peeking out from behind the log. He finally convinced the girl she couldn't come with him, and sent her reluctantly walking back home. Neither of them had noticed the old farmer who had quickly retreated back the way he had come. Once the girl was out of sight, the professor headed to Piper's hiding spot.

"What the hell are you doing?" he said. "I told you to stay with the time machine!"

"What the hell are you doing? Imagine if that farmer caught you fucking his daughter!"

The professor gave her a puzzled look. "His daughter? That was his wife."

"His wife! That's sick, she's only twenty and he's like...a hundred!"

"She's actually eighteen and the daughter of a neighbor -- a quite common arrangement for these times. I told him I was heading to town to find a prostitute. And he insisted that I pay him and use his young wife instead."

"He should have paid you," Piper said. "I think he enjoyed it more than you did."

The professor, embarrassed to learn that both Piper and the farmer had watched him fuck the young blonde farmgirl, didn't say a word as they headed back to the time machine.

He was relieved to find it safe and sound where they'd left it. "You have to listen to me and stay with the time machine," he said. "If someone finds the cart and decides they need it more than we do, we're in big trouble. We'll be trapped here forever if the time machine reverts back to its point of origin without us."

"Well, I didn't come back in time just to guard a cart while you get your rocks off. I thought I'd be meeting famous people, and seeing the pyramids and stuff!"

The professor threw up his arms in frustration. "It's a time machine, not a round the world cruise! I'm trying to get back to rescue Professor Carr and, seeing as how you refuse to help me out, you're stuck guarding the time machine while I find women who will!"

"So that's why you brought me back in time? You thought you could bend me over against a tree and fuck me like that farmgirl? Is that it?"

Ignoring her, the professor opened the reactor, poured the pale fluid inside and screwed the lid shut. When he was finished he leaned against the cart, and looked at Piper. "That's not why I asked you to come."

"Then why? Why ask me? I'm only a janitor!"

He stepped close to her and held her by her shoulders. "Piper, I'd be lying if I told you the fact that you're young and beautiful didn't influence my decision to bring you along. But, you're not just a janitor. I've watched you as you've cleaned my lab, my office. I've seen the way you look at the instruments, the wonder in your eyes. I know that look. I've seen it in my student's eyes; I saw it in Deidre's eyes. You've got a hunger for knowledge, a thirst for the unknown. And to me, that's more valuable than any college degree. But the main reason I asked you, was because I knew you'd say yes."

Piper stared at him, speechless. And when he reached out and pulled her near, she closed her eyes as he pushed the button.

* * *

Piper opened her eyes and heard the bleating of sheep. A flock grazed nearby on the hillside they'd appeared on. She followed the professor to the top of the hill and saw a valley on the other side, with a small village beside a river.

"Are we still in Pennsylvania?" she asked.

"No, we're in Lincolnshire, England. In the year 1684," he said.

"And there's some famous chick that lives in that village?"

"No. A famous man."

"Oh my god. You're going to screw a -- "

The professor cut her off. "No, I'm not. This is the home of the genius that is both my hero and inspiration -- Sir Isaac Newton. And before you ask, no, he did not invent the fig newton."

"Ha ha. I saw a show -- I mean, I read a book about him. He's the guy that got hit on the head with an apple."

"So the story goes. Anyways, I never had the opportunity to meet him the last time I was here, so I'm determined to do it now."

"Umm, do we really have time for this? Shouldn't you be...you know...making fuel for the time machine?"

"We have at least twenty-four hours before the time machine reverts to its point of origin and travels back to our time. I just want to see if I can meet him, and then we'll find a woman I can pay to...assist me."

Piper held her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun as she surveyed the town below. "You think there's a whorehouse in that little village?"

"If there isn't, I'll take care of it myself. Don't worry, I'll come up with material."

They hid the cart in a small copse of trees, and on their way into the village the professor spotted the home of a seamstress and bought more appropriate clothing for the two of them, paying with counterfeit silver shillings he'd brought along.

When they reached Woolsthorpe Manor, Newton's birthplace and home, the footman at the door refused to let them in. The professor had read that Newton was notoriously cantankerous with visitors, but pleaded his case as a visiting scholar from the American colonies.

While he argued, Piper stepped back to get a better view of the manor house and noticed she was being watched from the upper window. Moments later, a well-dressed man in his early forties came down the stairs and instructed the footman to let them in.

The professor instantly recognized him from his portrait and bowed. "It's an honor to meet you, Sir Isaac!"

Newton scoffed at him. "Sir? Do I look like a knight to you? Your ignorance shows that you obviously are from the colonies."

The professor burned with embarrassment when he realized his slip -- Newton wouldn't receive his knighthood until nearly twenty years in the future.

But Newton's demeanor completely changed when he introduced himself to Piper. She blushed when he took her hand, bowed down, lightly kissed her knuckles and told her she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on.

After the introductions were completed, with the professor and Piper posing as siblings, Newton invited them in for dinner and tea.

Piper knew Newton was a famous scientist, but she'd always pictured him as an old man with a white wig. The real man was nothing like she'd imagined; he had strong, handsome features and eyes that watched her with a burning intensity. He couldn't stop looking at her and she couldn't stop staring at him; he was the most famous person she'd ever met.

Oblivious to their flirting, the professor talked non-stop about how he admired Newton's writings, while making sure to remember not to mention any works that hadn't been written yet. Annoyed by the professor's fawning, and looking for an opportunity to be alone with Piper, Newton offered to let him browse through his personal library.

"This is an unbelievable opportunity!" the professor whispered to Piper. "The papers in his library may be the beginnings of the Principia Mathematica. Is there any possible way you could keep him busy for a while?"

Piper smiled. "Umm...yeah, I don't think that's going to be a problem."

While the professor went to the library, Newton took Piper for a walk in his garden. She could tell that he was enamored with her, but she could also tell he was really shy, maybe even a virgin.