The Trainer Pt. 02

Amy suddenly remembered why she'd come to Charlie's house in the first place. She needed to talk to her. The afternoon had been so blissful and relaxed that she had almost forgotten about the difficult conversation she still needed to have with Charlie. She didn't want to have that conversation now, but she had to.

So when Charlie suggested they go home too, Amy asked if they could stay for a bit. Daya gave Charlie a meaningful glance and said: "Yeah, you two stay for a bit. Watch the sunset. It's too nice out here to go straight home."

Charlie glared at her; Amy could see it clearly now that she'd taken her sunglasses off. She seemed reluctant to be alone with Amy, but Amy wasn't going to let this opportunity pass her by. So as Daya drove off, she sat down in the sand and Charlie had no choice but to join her, the dogs forming a scattered circle around them.

"You're not going out tonight then?" Charlie said with a grin. "No dancing or kissing with random girls tonight?"

Amy could see she was trying to hide her discomfort behind a layer of jest, but Amy was ready to find out where this discomfort came from in the first place.

"Not tonight," she said. "Actually, not ever. That's really not me, Charlie. What happened with you... I don't usually do that. So, really, you're not as random as you think."

Amy looked at her to gauge her reaction but Charlie just stared at the sea for a moment. Then she said: "So you've met my sister then..."

Amy realised Charlie was doing her avoidance manoeuvres again and she'd have to try and breach the topic in another way. She went along with Charlie's change of topic. "She seems nice."

"Yeah, Dee is cool; if a bit too observant for her own good." Once again, Charlie didn't elaborate but there was a small smile on her lips as she looked into the distance.

"And she knows that you're gay, right?" Amy was starting to get an idea about what it was that Daya may have observed, or thought she had observed. Charlie nodded.

"What about your parents? Do they know?" Charlie had already mentioned that they knew but that it was a long story. Amy had time for a long story now.

Charlie took a deep breath, as if contemplating if she wanted to go into it. Clearly she decided now was as good a time as any and she started talking: "My dad isn't around. He left when I was little. He was having an affair with some much younger girl but rather than keeping her around as a mistress and still taking care of us, like most guys here do, he skipped town and left the island completely, with her. My mum blames his absence for me being gay. No trust in men, no male role model around; that kind of stuff."

"Oh shit...," Amy said eloquently, and then she tried a bit of Charlie magic: "Is it? Is that the reason you're gay?"

Charlie looked at her and there was doubt in her eyes. She didn't think Amy was serious did she? Amy smiled to show she was definitely not serious. Charlie let out a relieved laugh. "You'd be surprised how many people jumped on that explanation. Blame him some more, explain my... condition... double problem solved."

Amy shook her head wearily in empathy. It must be so hard not to be understood or accepted by your own family. "What about your mum?"

"We have a... let's say tense relationship."

"Go on," Amy urged when Charlie paused.

"Remember I said that I used to rescue all the strays and bring them home when I was a kid? There's a bit more to that story than I told everyone." There was pain in Charlie's eyes when she averted her gaze to the ocean once more. Whatever it was, it wasn't a happy memory. Amy wanted to wrap her arm around Charlie's shoulders. Was that weird? Friends did that, right? However, she waited too long and the moment passed.

"My mum really didn't appreciate my little pet nursing home. She wasn't an animal person. I caught her a few times shouting at them or even kicking them when they got in her way. And you have to understand, these were already abandoned and abused animals. That stuff has so much more of an impact on an animal with a history. It got to a point where I was nervous to go to school, worried about what she might do to them. I even skipped school a few times, pretending I was ill. Dee would often cover for me."

She sighed deeply. She was getting to the harder parts. "Then one day I came home from school and they were all gone. I had five dogs and three cats at the time. And a bird with a broken wing, but he was never going to make it. One of the dogs was just a puppy. The gate was wide open. My mum said it must have been the mailman or a visitor but I knew it was her. She probably chased off the ones that wouldn't leave on their own. I looked everywhere for them. I think I stayed out all night looking. I only found one of the cats and three of the dogs. The puppy got hit by a car and died. Who knows what happened to the others."

"Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry," Amy said, feeling tears burning her eyes. It wasn't the story she'd expected, but the girl's reaction made perfect sense with what Amy knew about her. She laid her arm across Charlie's shoulders and gave her a quick squeeze, wanting to comfort her. For a moment it looked like Charlie was going to shrug her off but she didn't.

"Then what happened?" Amy asked, sensing there was more to the story.

"I ran away," Charlie said with a shrug. "I couldn't stay there any longer. I think I was 16 at the time."

"Where did you go?"

"I went to live with this woman I knew from the dog shelter I volunteered at. She'd always been there for me. She understood me. And she changed my life. She..." Charlie hesitated. "This is going to sound a bit weird but there was nothing... sexual; at least not in the beginning. Anyway... she was quite a bit older than me and she was gay. I didn't know that when I landed on her doorstep. I don't think I even knew it existed. But it must have been a part of our mutual respect and understanding already then. She opened my eyes; showed me how to be myself. She showed me to love and care for myself like I did for my animals. We ended up having a relationship, but that was later."

"Wow! So she's the reason you're gay?"

This time Charlie understood she was joking right away. She laughed. "If there's anyone to blame for it, it's her."

"It's a hell of a coming out story. That's for sure."

"Oh, I wouldn't call it 'coming out' exactly. We had our own wonderful little open bubble at her house but we had to be very careful outside. In the beginning no one even knew I lived with her, but it's a small island and word got out. She had also been very careful about her sexuality but there were still rumours about her, especially now that she'd taken in this young girl who wasn't even her family."

"That's understandable, I guess."

Charlie nodded. "Yes it is. And it became too much for my mum to ignore. She showed up one day and literally dragged me home. Of course everyone chose her side and I was still a minor - only just - so there was nothing I could do. She kept me on a tight leash for a while, dropping me off and picking me up from school, making sure I didn't go anywhere else. And then she found this American priest who ran a special edition of his successful conversion camps on the island this one summer."

"What, you mean one of those 'pray the gay away' things?"

Charlie smiled bitterly. "Yeah, exactly. Six weeks I spent at that camp, learning how to be straight. And then there were follow-up sessions for months. That really messes with your head, you know. They make you feel like shit. I was starting to believe I was a terrible person for the way I felt. In the end I pretended I was cured to get away from it all."

"And they bought that?" Now that Amy knew Charlie was gay, it was hard to miss. And it was hard to imagine anyone would really believe someone could be cured from their gayness.

Charlie nodded. "I must have been very convincing. The priest signed me off as completely fixed; another success story for his portfolio. But I think he continues to pray for all of us, just in case. And my mum was the happiest person ever. Who am I to take that away from her? So now we blissfully pretend that I'm not still a big old lesbian."

"You've never brought a girlfriend home?" It was unimaginable to Amy.

"God no! And even if I did, my mum would still say it's nice that we're such good friends. I could kiss a girl in front of her and she'd convince herself it's just something youngsters do these days. Although if it were you, she may be too distracted with the fact that you're white. She'd be too busy worrying you're plotting to enslave me."

"Are you serious?" Amy was too distracted by the statement to linger on the fact that Charlie had just used her as an example of a girlfriend she brought home and snogged in front of her mother.

"Oh yes... Big homophobe, big racist. I had a white grandfather for god's sake. You can see why we don't get along... But enough of this sob story. What about you? What's your coming out story?" She moved slightly so that Amy's arm slid off her shoulder; a clear sign that she was done needing comforting. Amy pulled her arm back and laid it awkwardly in her lap.

Her story was nowhere near as interesting as Charlie's but she was glad the girl was interested enough to ask. "Oh I had a bit more of a classic coming of age story, you could say. I fell in love with a girl in my class when I was 14. Well, as much as you really fall in love at that age. You think you do, don't you? Anyway, we became good friends. It took us years to realise that we were probably over-preparing for when boys would come along with all the kissing practice we were doing."

Charlie laughed. "I bet!"

"We were together for a few years after that; real high school sweethearts. But when we went off to uni, it didn't last in the end. I've had a couple of other serious relationships since, but I've been single for about 18 months now."

"What about your parents? Are they cool with it?"

"Yeah, they have no problem with it at all. I think it was a bit of a surprise at first but the fact that they already knew and liked my first girlfriend really helped. We'd already been at each other's houses all the time before we told everyone, so not much changed."

"That sounds wonderful." There was a pang of envy in Charlie's words.

Amy nodded. "I'm so grateful for how easy it is for me. Meeting you and your friends and hearing your stories has really made me see that."

"Yeah, everyone's experience is so different. That's why it's so good meeting more gay people and making more friends." There was something about the way Charlie said it that made it sound like she was trying to convince herself too. Amy realised that this was her chance to get back to what she wanted to talk about.

"I don't want to be friends, Charlie," she said quietly.

Charlie looked at her in surprise. "You don't?"

"What I mean is, I want to be more than friends," Amy pressed on. Charlie seemed to have developed a sudden interest in her toes, which were digging into the sand.

"I like you, Charlie," Amy clarified when Charlie didn't respond.

"Why?" The question followed quickly. It was a strange thing to ask but Charlie now looked at her intently. She looked genuine, troubled even; not at all like someone who was fishing for compliments.

Amy laughed nervously. "I don't know... I really didn't like you in the beginning. You were rude, condescending, and disinterested. Not to mention the fact that you'd completely forgotten ever meeting me. Or pretended to have forgotten, as it turns out, which isn't much better."

A hint of a smile played on Charlie's lips now, but Amy knew she had to get the words out; get serious again, before she lost her nerve.

"But then... I got to know you and I can see that behind those big walls you've built up around yourself, you're nothing like that. I love how passionate you are. You're talented, smart, funny, beautiful... And you have a way with people..."

Charlie was still studying her own feet when she interrupted: "You mean dogs."

"No, I mean people, Charlie. Much as you don't want to admit that, you're actually kind, understanding, and patient. And you're a great teacher. It's no wonder everyone who meets you finds you so damn admirable."

There was a long silence before Charlie said: "Shit."

"What?" Amy asked, getting more and more nervous the longer the silence and the uncertainty wore on.

"I mean, you could have just told me..." Charlie smiled and it was clear she was trying to make a joke, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"For god's sake, Charlie. You always seem to know everything about me. You didn't know this?" Would she just put Amy out of her misery already?

"I did," Charlie then said, all serious now. She paused before she continued: "And I'm sorry if I let you on."

That didn't sound good. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about dancing, kissing you... I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

"What idea is that? That you like me too?" Amy heard the desperation in her own voice. Was Charlie really telling her that wasn't the case?

"Yeah that one..." Charlie gazed at the ocean so that Amy couldn't read her expression.

"So you don't like me?" Amy simply couldn't believe that. Every time they'd met there'd been an underlying tension; a sign of more brewing beneath the surface. That wasn't just in Amy's mind.

Charlie sighed and finally looked at her when she said: "I do, Amy. I really do."

Sensing the inevitable continuation of that statement and impatient for Charlie to get it over with, Amy cued: "But?"

"But it's just not possible, okay? The dancing, the kissing; that's okay at the Rainbow night and at Pride, but that's not the reality here. You heard my friends, about what gay life is really like here. Do you really want that? What are you imagining? Dinner dates and lunches with the family on the weekend? Happy ever after doesn't exist here; not like that; not for gay people." The words had come out fast; they had been brewing beneath the surface too, waiting for the right time to be laid bare; if there ever was one.

"But your friends still have relationships. They date girls. Can we not at least try that?" Amy knew it wouldn't be easy but to shut down all options, just like that... She felt tears welling up and she blinked furiously to make them disappear.

"It's not as easy as that..."

"So you'll never have a girlfriend? You'll never date another girl?"

"I'm not saying that. But I'm also really busy with the business. I just know I wouldn't be able to give you the time and attention you need. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than me."

It seemed she had changed tack, ever so subtly, but Amy hadn't missed it. "So which is it, Charlie? You can't be with a girl here or you don't have the time?"

"Both." When Charlie looked at her, there were tears in her eyes and Amy realised she wasn't going to change her mind. This was her final answer. Tears started rolling down Amy's cheeks and she heard her breath give the starting salvos of proper ugly crying.

"I'm really sorry, Amy. I really wish things were different." Charlie put her arm around Amy's shoulder and tried to pull her in for a hug. As much as Amy would appreciate the comforting feeling, she knew she wouldn't be able to control herself.

"Me too," she said, pulling back slightly from the other girl. "I'd like to go home now." If there was no way this was going to happen she had to get home, cry her eyes out, and climb into a tub of ice cream or a bottle of wine. Maybe both.

Charlie nodded and, after a moment's hesitation, started packing up and loading the dogs without speaking. They didn't talk the whole way back to Charlie's house but an unstoppable stream of tears kept rolling down Amy's cheeks, falling on her shorts and shirt. At some point Charlie tried to take her hand, but Amy pulled hers back. Any sign of affection would break her last shred of self-control.

"Bye then," Amy said, as she got in her car a while later. Charlie nodded in silence. "Don't worry about calling me, Charlie. I'm going to need some time." She was surprised by how calm her voice now sounded.

"I understand. I'm sorry, Amy, for everything." Charlie looked so hurt that Amy pressed the accelerator to get away too quickly, nearly driving into Charlie's gate. She waited impatiently for Charlie to open the gate and give her a sad wave as she drove off.

She hadn't gotten far before she heard a primal cry emanating from Charlie's garden. "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" may have been the exact content; Amy was too busy crying to fully register it.

* * * * *

"Of course she likes you!" Lucas exclaimed after Amy had relayed the story to him. She hadn't really wanted to talk about it but she'd had a mood like a thundercloud the whole morning. At lunchtime Lucas had decided he had waited long enough and had demanded to know what was going on with her.

"How do you know?" Amy was surprised at how steady her voice sounded. After a weekend of crying and wallowing, she felt like her tears had finally dried up. Or perhaps she'd moved to a different stage of grief: she felt more frustrated than sad now.

"Sweetie, I know everything that goes on in the community. Charlie's friends talk, you know. Besides, I bumped into Daya yesterday. She said you're just Charlie's type, and that you two are adorable together."

"She did?!" So much for pretending to be just friends.

Lucas nodded seriously, clearly in his element in the role of gossip queen. "Apparently she tried to tell Charlie as much..."

Amy was starting to put two and two together. Was that what their argument on the way back had been about? "Let me guess, she had all sorts of excuses for why it couldn't be. Too gay, too busy... She's just going to be single forever." She had already told Lucas all about the reasons Charlie had given her.

"She didn't say. I don't think that's it though..."

"What do you mean?" If there was another hidden layer of knowledge she should have gleaned by osmosis, she wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to hear it. This vagueness was starting to get old.

"Well, I don't think she doesn't want a relationship. She had one for years. Her and Lily, that was serious. Everyone thought it was a matter of time before they would elope and live dykily ever after."

"Lily? Who's Lily?" Amy realised that while she had talked about coming out and past experiences with Charlie, they hadn't really talked much about ex-girlfriends.

"Lily was an expat, like you. She came over for a work contract but loved it so much here that she decided to stay when the contract was up. She found another job, met Charlie, fell in love. She and Charlie were together for years. Lily always said she'd found her place in the world and she'd never leave again. But then she did. She moved back to England and broke Charlie's heart. Charlie was such a miserable git to be around, for a-a-a-ges... Anyway, I guess that maybe after that she doesn't believe in expat love anymore."

Amy processed this new information. Charlie's reluctance suddenly made a lot more sense. She felt a pang of sadness at the thought of Charlie with a broken heart. "I didn't know that...," she said quietly. "Why didn't she just tell me that?"

"She doesn't talk about it, like, ever. Besides, what would you have said if she had?" He didn't pause long enough for Amy to reply. "That you would never do that to her? That you would never break her heart like that?"

Something along those lines was indeed what Amy had been thinking. She glared at Lucas's disapproving look. "What do you imagine would happen, Amy?" He continued. This time he waited for an answer; the one time she didn't have one.

"I don't know," she grumbled.