The Trap

Once the kids got a bit older and didn't need me constantly I started going out with my best friend Claire. We actually met up with my two nieces Kate and Juliet. It was just once every few weeks when we could coincide diaries and I had a great time, the girls were young and full of energy. We got on fabulously; along with Claire who was always funny and could chat easily to just about anybody.

They were both good looking girls and attracted a lot of attention, what surprised me was some of that attention was directed towards me and Claire. The girls and Claire who had been divorced 3 years earlier were fair game and I felt a little left out.

I found myself enjoying the conversation and jokes, the banter was hilarious especially when the young guys extolled the virtues of experienced women, it didn't mean anything. There was no way I'd actually cheat on Paul; it was just a bit of fun and an escape from life as a wife and mum.

We got ourselves into a bit of a pickle one night, some guys we didn't know started to get a bit too handsy. I was worried for the girls but was struggling with a guy who kept trying to kiss me. I was pushing him away and was thinking about pouring a drink over him, when suddenly he vanished! It took me a few seconds to realise someone had pulled him out of his seat and flung him onto the floor.

The guy stumbled up to his feet and his three friends joined him, standing across from my saviour. I suddenly recognised him as Edward Rochester, a wealthy client from work. He looked different without his business suit on; he was a big physical man and had an air of confidence. I think it was that that scared the guys off without as much as a punch being thrown.

I insisted he join us and thanked him repeatedly as did the girls. We spent the night with him without a pause in the conversation. His life sounded exciting, he'd lived in several different countries and been successful. Despite us all wanting to hear more, he spent most of the time asking about our lives and encouraging the girls to chase their aspirations, he was quite... well inspirational. They both seemed a bit besotted by him and I couldn't blame them, he was gorgeous and our hero.

I saw him the following day at work, which was unusual as he would typically only come in every couple of weeks. He was utterly charming and I was in his debt, but he insisted I stopped thanking him. I told him about the girls now being full of ideas about traveling and taking a year out after university. My stomach was experiencing a strange fluttering sensation as I spoke to him.

I found myself checking my make-up and hoping to bump into him. The next time we met he offered to chaperon me on our next night out to help keep me out of any trouble. I laughed at the joke but mentioned details of when we were next out.

My stomach lurched again as I saw him in the bar, we chatted and he seemed to be interested in me... I was beyond flattered. At first my nieces encouraged me, saying it was fine to have a bit of fun and that he obviously had the hots for me. And it did feel like such fun, like being young again when anything felt possible and I wanted to go with the flow.

We met again on the following night out, the girls seemed to get a bit concerned, saying they loved Uncle Paul and not to do anything stupid. I didn't know what they meant, this wasn't anything serious after all.

It was Claire who spotted me giving him a goodnight kiss, I got a lecture from her about being bloody idiot and not thinking about Paul and that I had better not let things go any further. After that, she refused to come out with us if Edward was going to be around.

I tried to leave it there but I was thinking about Edward all of the time. He was so fit, especially when I compared him to Paul who had let himself go a little bit.

It was about that time that I had the idea of Paul helping out my mum. I knew she was depressed and had tried to keep her trips to the doctors a secret from me. She needed to start living again and the only person who seemed to cheer her up and make her smile was Paul.

We'd often see Edward out but I rejected his further advances. Our taxi not turning up and Edward offering us a lift home was when things started going wrong. He dropped the girls, they looked a bit worried as they waved us off and Edward started driving me home. He pulled into a quiet layby near my home to drop me off; but it wasn't long before we started making out. It felt exciting, but I was racked with guilt. I stopped myself and made myself get out the car whilst apologising. I was really confused by all my conflicting emotions; it was all I could do not to cry when I saw Paul.

I refused Edward's offers to take me out but felt my resolve beginning to weaken. I started telling myself a quiet drink with him wouldn't hurt. Then he surprised me with an invite to a concert by my favourite singer complete with back stage pass and a private audience. I had tried for weeks to get just normal tickets and had failed miserably in the poling systems. It was something I had always wanted to experience. That request coincided with my decision to ask Paul to look after my mum, I did it for her... mostly, but had to admit the idea of an insurance policy might have been lingering somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind.

***

The conversation didn't go as I had planned; Paul was just so bloody calm!

"Who is it? And why do you want to do this Susan?"

I tried to be vague about what I expected to happen, "I love you totally Paul, this is just a one off opportunity, it's mainly about the concert on Friday and perhaps the opportunity to share something special. The who doesn't really matter, you don't know him."

I could hardly tell him the truth: that it was a wealthy, handsome and utterly charming client from work and someone who made me feel like a giddy teenager in his formidable presence.

Paul brought me back to the moment, "Don't try to make out it's just a concert; if you want to go with someone else, I won't physically stop you."

No threats of divorce or anger, I was almost disappointed. He should have fought harder for me, but then I had reassured him there wasn't any risk of losing me. Paul appeared more sad than anything.

"You've had you fun with my mum, remember what we agreed, it isn't cheating if you know about it and I will come back to be all yours just like you have."

"You practically begged me to do that and we both had choices, you're not giving me any choice here."

We barely spoke to each other over the next few days; Paul seemed to be making himself busy, but he hadn't moved out or made any demands which was a good sign.

***

Walking down the stairs carefully, I could feel Paul's eye's on me, the bloody split in my new dress was opening to the thigh as I descended, as I tried to hide the stocking tops. Teetering to the bottom, in my strappy heels, he looked me up and down with distain.

"You're certainly making an effort for him, pity you don't put as much effort into us. Are you really sure you want to do this?"

I nodded, "You had your fun and I think I am entitled to the same."

Paul just walked away without another word. I took his passiveness as acceptance and decided not to ask him how he was coping... better not to poke that bear. I left assuring him I would be back by midnight.

The concert was amazing, as was the Michelen starred dinner that preceded it. The sex afterward was well... good, maybe not everything I had hoped but the illicit element was thrilling. He knew what he was doing but it felt practiced and lacked emotion, there was no intensity, his cock felt just the same as Pauls. He asked me to stay the night but I refused, pleased to hold the promise made to Paul. It would have been easy to stay longer, round two might have been better.

I got home on time... just, but the house was empty; it took a while before I saw Paul's note on the fridge, "Back tomorrow."

I called his mobile and got a 'not available' message.

I assumed he went out drinking and stayed at a mates to drown his sorrows, I thought that was OK, it would at least give him some time to calm down, I had sprung all of this on him with little warning after all.

I went to bed but couldn't sleep, usually if I was restless, I would spoon into Paul and quickly nod off. I gave up at 5am and got up, by 10am I had cleaned most of the house just to keep busy; my mind was a mess trying to work out what to say to Paul.

He finally arrived home at 11am, he didn't look hung over.

"I am sor..."

"Don't want to hear it Susan, I am moving into the spare room."

"I love you more than anything..."

The last part was said to his back as he walked into the kitchen. I followed and waited for him to ask how my night had been. I had prepared all of my answers, it was good but not like us, no he wasn't bigger, it was a one off, there were no feelings. I still loved Paul and only Paul. But none of the questions came; he remained silent; making a mug of tea for himself... none for me I noted.

In the end I had to break the silence, perhaps not with the most ingenious of openings, "Are you ok?"

He just looked at me like I had lost my mind.

"I realise last night must have been difficult for you. I'm sorry...."

He held a hand up, "No, no you aren't, this was all very planned and deliberate!"

At a loss for what to say, in exasperation I asked, "Where did you go?"

You know that is the first time you've enquired about me, everything else has all been about you. In answer to your question, I went out on a date and stayed the night."

"What the fuck!"

"Don't worry, it was good, great in fact, I have some feelings for her but it's not love!"

I heard the echo of my owned prepared excuses, "You bastard, which slapper did you fuck?"

"That's no way to talk about your mum."

"No, it can't be; she wouldn't do that to me! You're mine, I will wring her neck!"

"What like you are mine, except when you want to fuck Edward Rochester?"

"How... How do you know his name?"

"Oh I know him or I should say his wife quite well now, we spoke a lot over the last few days."

"He's married!"

"Yeah 12 years seemingly, she is talking about investigators, photos and divorce on the call yesterday. Oh and something about taking him to the cleaners this time."

"What do you mean... this time?"

"Christ you didn't think you were the first did you, not even the fifth from the way she tells it."

"Shit, this is a mess, I'm sorry Paul, can we put this all behind us. I didn't cheat, you knew about it."

"It's cheating if you set me up from the start, so you could be with him. Is that what the tryst with your mum was really about, a trap set up by my wife and which I walked blindly into."

***

I phoned my mum, furious at her, "How could you mum?"

"Wake up Susan, what do you expect your husband to do whilst you sauntered off with a lover and rubbed his nose in it. It's better he was in my bed than someone else's, or off getting drunk or tracking your lover down for revenge, At least I could put a good word in for you."

"How was he, emotionally I mean?"

"How do you think... he was distraught and he seems to know an awful lot more than you think. Did you plan all of this so you could have a fling, it wasn't about me at all was it?"

"It was mum, I thought Paul would help you, I didn't know what was going to happen with Edward."

"Well I'm not sure I believe you and Paul certainly won't. Anyway what on earth are you thinking, Paul is great in the sack. "

"Do you really think so, our sex life felt kind of routine."

"Then maybe you need to up your game girl, he certainly wasn't routine with me, far from it, quite adventurous in fact. I've never known a guy be so considerate and so keen to go down."

"Jesus mum ok, too much information."

***

Paul just glared at me, "Why did you do it??"

Shit, that was the question I had been dreading, I knew the answer, it wasn't complicated but I couldn't admit it without causing further damage. Despite my life being great with Paul and the kids, it was because I wanted to try it, it was exciting and I loved the flirting and attention.

"I don't know, I guess we have become routine, I was flattered and his company felt exciting. I never meant to hurt you, I'll admit I was attracted to Edward but I didn't want to cheat. I thought you spending time with my mum was a reasonable exchange and we could both experience something new."

"What was so appealing about him?"

"He was charming and handsome with an air of confidence. He was different to you, I never saw it as a choice or him being better and I never stopped loving you. We got on, he's younger and successful, he's a nice guy, you'd like..."

Paul's head shooting upward made me stop dead in my tracks; thankfully I didn't finish the idiotic statement.

"Nice guy alright... a cheat and fucking married women. So younger, and was the sex better."

"It was more new than anything but it lacked our connection."

"So I am not enough for you!"

"Nooo, never that, you are my husband, the father of my children and the love of my life. I guess you have let yourself go a bit and gotten a bit podgy, you've said yourself you are over-weight and need to get fit but I still love you.

"Oh, so now it's my fault, I didn't realise our marriage depended on me being thin. Maybe I should find someone else who at least likes me."

"Oh come on Paul, you stay in, watch sport and drink beer; your alternative is my mum and I had to arrange that for you!"

The look on his face made me realise I had said something truly dreadful!

"You bitch, I am tired because I am exhausted from work and earning the money for the house and holidays you wanted, nothing a lover has to think about. So not only an affair, but you think I am fat, lazy and you don't find me attractive anymore. What if I said that to you, how would you feel?"

"I... I'd feel terrible... I didn't mean... I'm sorry."

I burst out crying running from the room.

***

I was lying in bed replaying the previous night, I regretted how the conversation had gone, backed into a corner, trying to justify my actions and only making things even worse. The realisation I had blamed him was truly devastating to me, I was ashamed of myself. What was worse was none it was true. Paul was strong and an attractive man, he had put on a few extra pounds but he wasn't fat. I had always wanted to look after him appreciating how hard he worked... when did I forget about that?

You'd think admitting an affair however brief was the worst thing you could do to a man, but to try and make it his fault when it wasn't was deplorable. Then I had insinuated he wouldn't be able to attract other women. I had hurt him unnecessarily to cover my own guilt; talk about being shallow. I must have gone insane, I couldn't believe what I had said to him.

Why had I done it in the first place, maybe deep down I wanted to take a chance with Edward. I was frustrated at all the things we couldn't do and the lack of money. Someone as driven and successful as Edward had a major appeal, but I didn't want to risk it all and didn't want to cheat. I thought Paul spending time with my mum meant he couldn't really complain. It would allow me to test the waters, Edward wasn't everything I had hoped for, but he was a handsome and wealthy man. The exchange now seemed like a ridiculous idea.

I was worried that Paul would never forgive me. I needed to start putting things right immediately and went to find him.

I went downstairs and cornered him in the kitchen, "It didn't mean anything."

"Maybe not to you, it means a lot to me though."

"He made me feel special and of value beyond my drab life as a housewife and mother."

"And what about my drab and boring life, going to work every day, taking all the overtime to try and keep us afloat, so exhausted it's all I can do to eat and stay awake on the couch."

"I, I didn't think about... that."

"Clearly, well I need to re-evaluate everything as well. I have been so desperately trying not to fail and not to let you down I forgot about me. I need to make some changes, I've decided to stop doing all the overtime, so I have a better work life balance and more time to do things. You might have to reduce your spending, maybe a few less nights out or you can get Edward to pay for them."

"I won't see him again."

"Wow thanks, that is good of you, I am honoured."

Shit, I just couldn't seem to say anything right.

***

I spoke to my mum again, trying to explain myself with the same lack of success I was having with Paul. When I confirmed our sex life was pretty routine, my mum was perplexed. I was staggered when she said Paul had given her multiple orgasms orally and had gotten it up 3 times. She asked what I did in the bedroom to keep things exciting and I was stumped, no I didn't have any sexy lingerie, I rarely sucked his cock and him kissing or licking me 'down there' felt a bit dirty.

"Jesus Susan you'll be telling me you lie there with your eyes closed next."

I really didn't want to reply to that statement, it felt a little too close to the truth.

I tried phoning Claire for some advice and support, but she could barely bring herself to speak to me, asking if I was crazy and reminding me that she had warned me multiple times not to do anything with Edward.

Her end statement caught me off guard, "Paul is a good friend, a good person and he deserved better from you."

***

Paul started spending more and more time out of the house, I worked out he wasn't drowning his sorrows he was actually going to the gym every night.

Then one weekend he repaired his old road bike and started going out for rides. He was going out on ever longer rides, saying it felt good, he felt fitter and more focused. He even joined a club and attended club saying he was meeting people with different ages and backgrounds all with a shared passion for cycling.

He got together with his friends and got back into more of the sports stuff and hiking alongside the social events with them.

I was really missing him... missing the cuddles and conversation. I needed my strong and stable husband's help. I was trapped by my own doing and couldn't find a way out of it.

We almost bumped into each other at the bathroom door. Paul had just showered and had a towel wrapped around him, he looked good... really good. It hadn't taken much to get rid on the weight, he did a manual job and was ripped underneath, I found myself turned on, that realisation hit me hard.

"You look good, great actually, I only said you were a few pounds over weight, you don't need to go to the gym all of the time.

"Part of the reason you slept with another man is because I was fat, sorry that wasn't your actual words, what was it ah yeah... podgy."

I groaned inside, "I never meant that, I am sorry for mentioning it."

It was as if he hadn't heard me... There was an edge and underlying anger in his voice.

"But you were right, I wish you had mentioned it earlier we could have sorted it together. Once I started back I enjoyed it, and it's not for your benefit, it's for me.

He pushed past me and closed his bedroom door..

***

The counselling began in standard fashion, what did we want out of this?

I replied, "I want to repair the damage to our relationship, to build the trust and love again and get back to where we were."

"Ok we will explore that some more, and you Mr Edmonds?"

"I would like partner who respects me... one I can trust."

I was delighted, we wanted the same things more or less, at least he wanted us to stay together, I already respected him and was sure I could win back his trust."

Then Paul went on, "I certainly don't want to go back, it would be idiotic to repeat the same mistakes that put us here. Susan called me fat and lazy and that loss of respect enable her to cheat. As for trust, I just don't see how that would ever be possible again."