The Trap

The counsellor asked if I wanted to respond, I was stunned and struggling but managed to speak.

"I didn't see it like that, it wasn't a rational decision. There might be something in what you are saying, I lost you, forgot about all the positive things and everything you do for us, but I never stopped loving you."

"Maybe you do love me, but you made it clear you weren't attracted to me."

"That's not true, I am attracted to you, you look amazing."

"And what happens if I put a few pounds back on or I get exhausted at work again."

"Nothing would change; I'd try and support you... by being a better wife."

"It did change though, you didn't like what you saw and found something else, younger fitter and probably with a bigger cock."

"He wasn't... bigger, anyway it wasn't that, we were... we are good together. Is that what you can't get over, the sex?"

"It's all of it, but you made sure to let me know you had a good time, so yes you emphasised the sex."

"It wasn't like the love like we share."

"I think I deserve a partner that finds me attractive and can't wait to drag me into bed, like you did to him."

"But I do find you attractive!"

"Do you, to be honest you never put that much effort into the bedroom, you just lie there most of the time like I should be honoured to get near you. When was the last time you dragged me to the bedroom and why do I always feel like I am asking for a favour."

"What, seriously, I thought our sex life was good?"

"Yeah my experience with Anna made me realise that the passion was missing, perhaps that's what you were looking for... maybe you were different with him

"But I... I wasn't different, it was like it is with you."

The counsellor made us take a break to calm down, I was still trying to get my head around what Paul had just said and remembered my mum's words about 'upping my game'. I had to move the conversation on, there was no point going around and around.

"Paul, I'll keep saying it, I am sorry; I will never do anything like that again, it was selfish and stupid."

"Yeah but I bet it's a memory you want to keep, your guilty secret or will you share some fond memories and jokes with your girlfriends."

"I wouldn't do that, I just want to forget it. We can't keep hurting each other; I want us to get back together properly."

Paul seemed to pause at that, clearly working something out, "I'm not aiming to hurt you, but I need to do things that are right for me, not just you. You were right in a way, I don't like who I am and I need to sort that out for myself."

"How can you even think that, you're the best man I know, so strong and caring. I didn't mean any of it. I was just looking for excuses; it's my fault that you're feeling that way, let me help put it right."

"Maybe before you could, but I don't think you can now, you're making things harder not easier. I need to respect myself first; I took a lot of that strength from having you with me, maybe I got too dependent."

"Please don't say that, I am still here and would do anything for you. I never thought it would come to this."

***

Things didn't improve in the following sessions, he just couldn't get over what I had done. That was bad enough, but then he wouldn't let go of some of the things I'd said to justify myself. I was attracted to him and did respect him, but he just wouldn't accept it.

"I still don't really understand why."

"I can blame motherhood, boredom and losing sight of things, but I think the opportunity was there and I wasn't strong enough to resist it."

"That sounds a piss poor reason to end a marriage. You know I can't forgive you, we're done, and I want a divorce!"

The reality of my situation had sunk in and I was fighting a losing battle. "I understand, I am really sorry, I still love you and would do anything to stay with you but I realise that is impossible now."

Paul looked at me uncertainly, no doubt wondering if I was calling his bluff or was moving on from him.

"I guess you win then, had your fling with the rich boyfriend and now you can run off with him. I'll end up living in a shoe box, struggling to pay for that and get to see my kids once a fucking month and you will probably poison even that. What did I ever do to you to deserve that?"

"I would never do that to you Paul, I still love you. I'll agree to whatever you want on the money. You're a great dad; they need you, more than ever, you could see them whenever you wanted. I know this is all my fault."

I think those responses took him completely by surprise; he looked confused just nodding in uncertain agreement.

I had decided to go along with everything Paul wanted, including starting a divorce, I would resist but not too hard and I was determined to remain friends with him. The anger would fade over time and I certainly didn't want to burn my bridges. If I was just perfect through a separation, then I might just be able to win him back.

Paul is such a good guy and was totally reasonable during our initial separation. I got to stay in the house with the kids and with support payments. Paul had alternate weekend access, but I encouraged him to spend as much time as he wanted with the kids, he really appreciated that.

I would survive: I was determined to stay strong, even if this resulted in divorce; I was an independent and attractive woman. I had stayed in touch with Edward, he was indeed careering toward his own divorce and trying to limit the damage; he wanted us to get together. At the beginning I thought of him as trade up from Paul, that notion was ruined when I found out he was married and now at best was a fall back option.

Things quickly deteriorated with Edward. His arrogance and superior nature didn't take long to materialise, no wonder his wife said I was welcome to him. It turns out he didn't have as much money as I thought, and he would lose most of that in his divorce, I mean who has 5 kids these days.

He was looking like a very poor alternative to Paul. It certainly made me appreciate everything I had with Paul. I forgot how much I depended on him, he was quietly reassuring and emotionally so supportive. He was so easy going and never complained about much of what I suggested.

I managed to stay on really good terms with Paul and we were friendly. I could see that he still checked me out from time to time and dressed to encourage more of that.

It was on a night out with colleagues when I saw Paul with the couples we used to go out with socially. I kept looking across, he hadn't seen me. As ever he was quiet but when he spoke everyone listened and always seemed to laugh, he was the centre of the discussion without having to say much. He looked so good, slimmer and tanned; and like he received some female advice on his dress sense. I pondered how I came to focus on the negative aspects and minor irritations when we were together, taking all the good things for granted. There was so much I missed about him, his support and unconditional love and... and he looks bloody gorgeous sitting across there.

When he went to the bar to order more drinks, I built up the courage to speak to him.

"Hi Paul."

I could see the shock on his face but he recovered quickly, "Hello Susan, it's nice to see you."

"Thank you, you too, it's good to see you out with friends."

"I've always done that, you just stopped coming out with us. You should come across and say hello to the guys."

I hesitated, unsure what reaction I would get, Paul was always popular and I had failed him, "I can't do that, I am embarrassed having cheated on you."

"They will be ok with you, no one picked sides, I am sure they would be happy to see you."

In a few words he made me realise what I had lost and I wanted my husband back at any cost! Thankfully we had just separated and not divorced, I still had a chance and he had just been absolutely lovely to me, there must still be feelings there for me.

"Do you have to be so perfect Paul, can't you leave me with something to cling on to. You're allowed to be bitter and angry with me, I deserve it."

"We have kids and need to move on, be good with each other for them."

"I knew you were a good man Paul, I hadn't realised you were a bloody Saint."

"Hardly that... there was your mother."

"Yeah, but I practically begged you to do that as well and you always did things I wanted."

***

I finished things with Edward for good, time to stop hedging and win back my husband. The weird thing was Edward didn't seem bothered at all, he said I was his biggest mistake ever and he lost his wife for a shit fuck, the cheeky bastard!

I made sure to spend more time together with Paul and the kids. He really was an excellent father, so protective and nurturing, making them laugh constantly and had a patience level way beyond my own. We chatted more and I often kissed his cheek as he left with the kids.

I didn't date or see guys and made sure Paul knew that. I also made sure he knew plenty of guys were trying for me but none were up to the standard I was used to and that was the honest truth of it. My plan to win Paul back was going well and I knew the draw of being a whole family again was massive for him. If I could just get him back I would be the best wife ever.

I even enlisted my mum to talk to Paul; standing next to her listening on speaker as she made the call to him. Mum started by emphasising that I had been an idiot and knew it.

"I just can't get over it Anna, it is the trust more than the sex... she completely blind sided me!"

"She loves you Paul, please go back to her and the kids, she got greedy and stupid but she is devastated, I am getting quite worried about her, she needs you."

I nodded in silent agreement.

"The stuff she said, I am not even sure she likes me...fat, lazy and that other shit."

My mum's eyes drilled into me, emphasising my mistakes. "You know she didn't mean any of that Paul; she was just looking for excuses, go back for the kids or as a favour to me."

"I like you Anna, I really do and you're the sexiest woman I have met, but our time together did demonstrate something was missing between me and Susan. I just don't think she was passionate about me, it's probably why she set us two up and why she cheated."

I almost shouted no, but managed to hold my tongue.

"I am certain that is not true Paul, if it would help get you both back together, we could come to an arrangement."

"I really enjoyed out time together Anna but that wouldn't be right. Maybe if I had resisted more with you, me and Susan would still be together. Anyway you should look to meet someone special to share your life with, trust me you'd have no shortage of offers."

"That's very kind of you to say, thanks Paul, our time together really did mean the world to me."

After the call ended, my mum pointed out that I was married to a lovely man and that it might be better for us both to move on.

My ploy of using mum as cover had backfired catastrophically, showing Paul what he had been missing sexually, it was infuriating and totally frustrating. I wanted the opportunity to spoil and entice him and to fuck his brains out.

***

Despite my campaign to win Paul back, the legal wheels moved inextricably onwards. We were due to meet in a restaurant sign divorce papers, but I had other ideas.

I had bought a designer dress, lingerie and heels, wanting to look my best. I could see his eyes all over me; my body tingled at the thought.

"Nice outfit, is that to emphasis what I am losing or are you just gloating some more."

"There is no gloating in this travesty, the outfit is for your benefit you dummy, I want you to notice me again."

Paul looked confused, "Let's just get this over with, I have already signed the papers, just take them."

"Maybe we should sign them yet."

"You have to be joking, what on earth are you talking about?"

I am talking about staying together as family, we're meant to be. I've no intention of seeing anyone else, and I wondered if there was any chance for us. I love you, it's that simple, I didn't realise just how much and I was a fool to risk losing you but I know deep down you still love me."

"I was never enough for you; you always wanted more things and money. It was the life you asked for that we built, and then suddenly you didn't want it. You stopped socialising with our friends: preferring shopping and your girls' nights out."

"None of that matters to me anymore Paul, I just want our family to be together, just resign if you don't want to work, we will find a way to manage."

"I am happy with my life; you weren't so there's no point coming back to it."

"I want our life together back more than anything; my... interlude with Edward was a terrible mistake. I would do anything you wanted sexually, I should have been more adventurous with you instead of looking elsewhere, my mum is still singing your praises."

"Yeah, until the next rich slick Casanova turns up and flashes a smile and a credit card at you. You know that expensive dress can't cover the self-centred person inside."

His comment really hurt, "That won't happen Paul, neither of us are seeing anyone and I know you are still attracted to me."

"Who says I am not seeing anyone, I've agreed to take Claire out tonight, we've seen quite a bit of each other but she insisted we wait until these were signed before going any further."

"Claire, my friend Claire... you can't be serious!"

"Oh but I am, deadly serious in fact. We've been talking since before your tryst, how do you think I found out about Edward."

"I thought his wife contacted you."

"No I contacted his wife after your little request, she was already onto him. It was Claire who warned me about what you planned and who with. She had tried talking sense into you repeatedly, but you were determined to do it; that's why she stopped going out. She thought telling me would put a stop to things, guess we both underestimated how determined and selfish you are."

My mouth fell open; I couldn't believe Claire would betray me and get together with him.

Paul went on, "She doesn't think I am fat either. You know how it is, you think you have everything sorted out and then life and people change. Turns out Claire always thought you were lucky to catch me. We... me and Claire decided it was sensible to wait and not make any rash decisions especially as the children were involved, but I will be seeing her. It turns out some women are attracted to me after all."

Paul put the final nail in my coffin... "I did take a long hard look at myself and realised my only mistake was loving you. Sign the papers Susan, we're done!"

The divorce proceeded, there was little I could do to delay things. I would often see Claire and Paul together, they looked so fucking content and my kids love her to bits, she always was good fun.

I try my best to be happy for Paul, I really do, he deserves it after all... but it's just not fair, he should be mine! Maybe if I keep being nice I will eventually find my way back to him.