All Comments on 'The Trojan Horse Wore Hightops'

I'd love your feedback on the story, either in the comments or a DM on what you liked and didn't like. If you did not like it, was it the subject matter or the way it was written? Did you feel misled about where the story was going to go? If you've read other stories of mine, how did this one compare?

I'm always looking to improve as a writer!

I really liked it, and it was interesting to see the change of mind from wanting revenge to care, and then to love. Would love to see where you go with it, if you continue

"To Be Continued"

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I see from your list you know how to use chapter numbers, yet you choose to exclude one for this story. That makes it an easy rating of 1.

liked it and i am wondering what happens next. Does sunnie actually tell her that she is her child

The emotions and sense descriptions are really powerful. Except for the explicit nature of the subject matter this reads like literature.

By way of criticism I'd just offer that private thoughts not spoken aloud shouldn't be in quotation marks. It made keeping the dialogue and internal monologue hard to keep separate at certain points.

"I'm always looking to improve as a writer!"

That is in quotes because you said it, so don't whine about the response.

You need to learn a great deal about the use of commas. You do it very poorly, and it makes your writing confusing.

Stop being lazy. Read what you've written when you're done, but BEFORE you hit that submit button. I don't mean skim, either. Sit down and read every word. After every sentence, ask yourself if that sentence actually says what you wanted it to, or did you leave out words or put words in the wrong order, or worse, do your participles actually apply to the subject you mean them to. Unless you're more than absolutely sure, because you've looked it up recently, look up words you're using.

I started out thinking this was just another big dick/tits story, then changed my mind. It was written by someone who wanted to write a big dick/tits story, but make it seem innocent. That objective failed because you dwelled on the big dick/tits. It was just another big dick/tits story.

Try harder to make the details realistically. Unless these two lived somewhere besides the entire North American or European Continents, no minor, and I mean absolutely none, would be charged with a crime for having sex with an adult. It doesn't matter what claims the adult made, the term statutory rape actually means something. Look it up. That one point was enough to convince me you're a lazy writer, even ignoring the poor use of commas, total lack of editing, and poor word usage.

In my experience, if I'm lucky enough to find lesbian stories under 'Taboo' they tend to be out-and-out fetish works, so stumbling on a futa piece that actually has heart was a pleasant surprise. While I'm not a fan of hyper, I like that there's -character- to these characters: Sunnie lays on the sociopathy a little thick, but given her background it's at least understandable. It's largely personal preference and I don't know where you plan to take this story, but it's refreshing to see this sort of sex scene played for simple -pleasure-, and not hammering in the usual BDSM power-fantasy.

cageysea9725's critique is needlessly abrasive, but you may want to get an editor, or at least a proofreader: there are several typos and odd sentence structure that go beyond the colloquial tone, and it does hurt the text, particularly in the sex scenes.

Which is a shame, because despite the rocky syntax, I -love- when an author can convey the scene internally. "Porn talk" is a meme for a reason, and minimalist dialogue works here—my main critique is you're mostly describing the physical motions, rather than how it actually feels. And given we're dealing with hyper proportions, there's a -lot- to feel!

In sum: the presentation is rough, but I like the spirit. Keep practicing and you should work out the kinks on your own, otherwise you might want to find a beta to help polish the final draft. Cautiously optimistic for future chapters.

Thank you for taking the time to give feedback @SirDigbyChickenCaesar! It's really valuable and I'm glad you liked the core of the story.

I did edit with several proofread and a number of AutoCrit iterations but I was so eager to get this one out that I skipped past my fantastic beta readers and that was a mistake that shows in the work: I see there's a typo right there on the first page and I missed it despite a number of re-reads. I've used beta readers in the past when I'm less sure of story structure and I was confident in this one, but I need to remember that's not the only reason we get beta readers. Lesson learned for future stories: always Beta read, no matter what!

@cageysea9725 I'm not going to whine and your feedback on editing better is valid.

Your comma feedback would be more helpful with examples: "poorly" doesn't identify the issue in a helpful way. Am I over-using? Under-using? Is this the oxford comma debate?

I did want to address the bit that I deliberately didn't state in the story for a few reasons but thought I made clear: Sunnie wasn't charged with for having sex with an adult. She was charged with rape, which minors can be convicted of in the United States. The Nun initiated things (statutory rape) then when caught, blamed Sunnie, saying she forced her, presumably so she herself, wouldn't get in trouble. The judge believed the nun and Sunnie was convicted.

Thanks for reading!

Looking at the comments, you got some good feedback and I agree with most. Your dialogue and descriptions of the scene were good! Keep it up! I look forward to reading more from you.

When's the next chapter coming out?

I can't wait to see more of this!

... well that took a turn I wasn't expecting.

This was a long exposition, but the payoff was totally worth it. I look forward to continuing.

The first half of the first page I had no idea where this was going, and some of the vernacular and imagery (the massive breasts and cock for instance) seemed a little like porn platitudes, but the set-up was SO genuinely intriguing I held on. And so fucking glad I did. The unfolding of the dialogue and relationship was masterful, and genuinely affecting! Really glad I stumbled on this, and I’m diving right into the next chapter.

Thanks for reading, all and welcome to the story, Lance. I'm interested to hear how it goes from beginning to end, now that the arc is complete.

I don't hide the extreme elements very well and maybe I even use them to subconsciously bait the horny into what I hope to be a legitimate story, but the most interesting throughline to me, is telling very human stories with the very kinds of humans that people tend to sexualize, dehumanize and objectify.

I know it probably turns off some readers, just like some of my other stories do for having anthro/furry characters (the Pairs of Pumpkins series) but those extremes and niches are never the focus of the story, and making it good despite the cliches is what is incredibly interesting to me!

Please let me know what you think after the end of the series!