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"I've always loved you," she said quietly. "Why else would I have done all of this? Why would I have accepted your family's bizarre laws and traditions and found myself marrying, not just you, but your brother as well? It doesn't change the fact that I don't belong in your world, with all of these people. I'm... damaged, broken, used, and putting me in a submission position and headspace when you wanted me to meet with people who would be working for me just proves that you don't think I can take on the role needed to help you lead this family. Why would they bother respecting me when you obviously don't? You mightn't have planned to follow through, but even the threat to do it showed how you feel about me and my place here with you."
"Fuck! That's not how it was, nothing like that even entered my head!" Matteo's emotions warred within him. "Believe me, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and only you. Your submission stays in the red room, I understand that now, and I won't cross that line again... Not ever. I wasn't thinking, things had been so unbelievably good since moving in here that my brain went south. I have no other excuse, aside from the fact that my desire and need for you made me do something unbelievably dumb, and I guarantee you it will never happen again. You are not that girl anymore, Cat. You do not have to battle every day just to survive, and, if I made you feel that way, I can't apologise enough."
"I do love you, I always have. There is no need to call off the wedding, but..." Cat paused. "You're wrong. That girl who survived rather than lived for so long is a part of me, and she will always be a voice inside my head reminding me that I'm different to the rest of you. That I don't belong here."
"Without you I would have married a woman I didn't love, and Jacobi or Ricco would be getting the chair, maybe even Lucca. Without you I would still be obsessed with work and shutting everyone out of my life, including my brothers. You made me a better man. You brought me back to my family in a real way again. You belong with me, never ever doubt that," Matteo said. "You have been told by enough people that you are the reason I have started acting like part of this family again."
"I guess we both have psycho ex's," Cat sighed.
"Last I checked, yours hadn't murdered anyone," he shrugged, making her smile crookedly.
"I'm tired. I'm not going anywhere. I do love you, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to lose my mind now and then. It's a lot to take on, you know? What happened almost undid everything I have tried to do to convince myself that I could be the woman you want me to be, instead of just a whore," she finally used the word Ned had labelled her with.
"You are the woman I want you to be, you don't have to try and convince yourself, or me, or anyone of that. You are!" Matteo said.
"And Ricco?" she asked. "He knows what I was, what I put up with. Does he honestly believe I could be the woman you need?"
"More than anyone, Ricco knows what my love for you has done to bring me back to the family and the life I was destined for, he loves you too," Matteo said. "Not in spite of your past, but because of how strong and compassionate it has made you. He feels worse than I do about what happened tonight. It was his idea, and he blames himself for how upset you got." Everything was calming down, and she was talking like she normally would now. The mask had dropped, and Matteo knew they would be okay, although he would find some way to make this up to her and show her how much she was loved, not just by him, but by his family.
"Then you should probably go and reassure him that I am not going to run away or do anything more drastic than get some sleep," she sighed. "Because, even though I love you, I'm not using the bathroom in front of you, and I will have an accident if you don't leave me alone for a few minutes."
"Okay, but I love you, and we will be getting married because we love each other, not for my family or the expense or anybody's hurt feelings," he took her in his arms and kissed her lightly. "Marry me, Kitten. Be mine forever because you love me."
"Yes," she whispered, and wondered how she had ever doubted his feelings for her. He wasn't Ned, she knew he would never treat her that way, but it had all come crashing back down on her at that moment. Ned never would have released her so quickly at a single word or fought so long to bring her back from her dark thoughts. "Yes, because I love you that much." She kissed him again and then pushed him out of the bathroom with a small smile.
*****
- COMMENTS
Leifsonabout 2 years agoFor the first and second series, the need to safeword provided memorable moments, and important changes in the character development. One of my favorite scenes in the Vitali part of the story.
Jake7518almost 4 years agoYou do such a great job effectively their disscribing emotional shifts and growth amazing writing!
Anonymousover 5 years agoI got very excited when she safeworded - I always prefer when she stands up for herself - and felt very happy that she insists on keeping the kinks private. However, I again got disappointed while reading her reasoning - she shouldn't have to feel like she's not good enough to insist on boundaries to her submission, and I am worried that Ricco's earlier musings about how he'd like to expand her submission boundaries really are a foreshadowing of how they are going to make her bend again eventually :(. And I agree with comments that there really wasn't anything to punish her for when it's Ricco's fault in the first place! They need to have fundamental equality in their relationship, either everyone is eligible for punishment, or no one is, but certainly they cannot demean Cat like that... And there really is something fundamentally wrong with using physical punishment on grown ups... children too... really, there is just no excuse...
curvygirl00about 6 years ago@Gypsytramp After reading your comment and your list of symptoms, I believe that you also have CRPS or at least a similar condition to me. I agree with what you are saying about Stories dealing with disabilities and BDSM. I get so frustrated when I do read a story where the illness isn't consistently there and amazingly disappears when convenient. I wish mine did! Its not easy navigating the world of BDSM when you have any limitations and its so hard to find a Dom who understands or even wants to try. your comment felt like you put into words all that I feel at times and I just wanted to say thanks and that I get it. :)
Also Ellie, I second Gypsy's suggestion that you might take on a story with a disabled character in it. Preferably a female one. I would never feel comfortable suggesting it to another writer but I think you would be able to do it justice. If you and wanted some insight to chronic illness I would be happy to help.
I'm also going to look up the naked gardener as well. Thanks for the tip. :)
Ellienora35about 6 years agoShe trusted them to do what they told her they would. Empty threats erode trust. Even if they had some plan not to put her to the world, the submissive headspace at all in the environment they were putting her in eroded her power. Cat was right about that.
What I don’t understand is why the communication doesn’t have to go both ways. If Matteo and Ricco already had plans and people worked out, why didn’t they tell her that already? And if Ricco was already bringing in caterers, why didn’t he say something? Now that all of this went down, why didn’t Ricco want to be part of the conversation in some way. It seems like he is only there for the fun and games, but when things get serious, he bows out. Also, Ricco knew this was his problem, but he let Cat take the fall for it. She did what she saw to do, and it wasn’t right or enough. No wonder she is feeling like she isn’t worthy. They have a lot to do to help her feel like the Goddess she is, and I hope she trusts them a little less when they tell her they will do things in the future. I love this story so much that I have reread many of the chapters
Gypsytrampabout 6 years agoSometimes on this site I go from link to link to link and end up reading all kinds of stories. Today I read one in the romance category called The Naked Gardener about a woman who is in pain when her skin is touched. I left a long comment on it and I'm sharing it with you because for a long time I've thought you could write an excellent BDSM story where the sub has a chronic illness and the Dom has to accommodate for that in their kink and personal life. I know you've had cancer and I'm sure you have experience being sick and tired of being sick and tired, how it fucks with your head, your emotions, how you just want to be your old self again (but with chronic illness you will never ever get there, even just physically), how you push too hard to keep doing what you did before, how treatment and testing will literally never end, etc. It'd be such an interesting dynamic to explore and I think you'd do it justice. Just an idea to add to what I'm sure is a long list of future story ideas.
And here's my comment on that story:
I loved this! I, too, suffer from severe neuropathy due to an autoimmune disease of the central nervous system. Thankfully, it's mostly under control right now thanks to Pregabalin. Before that I was on Gabapentin for years until I was eventually on the max dose and it no longer had the desired effect. I dread the day Pregabalin no longer helps me. While reading, I kept wondering why she didn't take any meds. Life was pretty unbearable before them, for me. I chose to assume that she tried them and they didn't work for her or she eventually became immune to them. I remember what it was like to not be able to be touched because the pain was too intense. That pins and needles, itchy, tingly feeling of being on fire is miserable. I was nodding my head when you mentioned tight constant pressure not being as bad as loose touching. It reminded me of how I'd lay in bed and it'd hurt to lay down but eventually I'd get used to it. The real torture came from someone trying to put a bed sheet over me. Fuck no. The pain of a thin little bed sheet was unbearable. When I read that I kept thinking, "but being underwater helps." I'd spend entire days in the bathtub, sometimes even sleeping in it, just so the pain would be lessened, to have just an hour or two where I didn't want to scream. I preferred warm or hot water over cooler water though. I always felt like I was on fire so the temperature change with cool water was uncomfortable. Anyway, while I was thinking about how much being submerged helps, you introduced a pool not a page later. Really great work on accurately describing life with neuropathy and how painful and isolating it can be.
I often think about how I'd love to read a story on here in the BDSM category where the sub was chronically ill and how that'd change the play. I'd love to read the steps the Dom would take to make BDSM accessible for the sub while still being mindful of her symptoms and limitations, which can be a broad, varied, long, and constantly changing list. It'd be fascinating to read the tricks and work arounds the Dom would use to still accommodate the sub's desires while constantly having to keep an eye on her health and limits considering that the chronically ill often push themselves harder than they should in every day life and pay for it later with pain, exhaustion, and/or an increase in symptoms of their illness. I've considered pitching this idea to one of my favorite authors here but she's in the middle of a long series right now. Anyway, this story is the closest I've come to finding something like that here and it was lovely. Usually what I come across that includes disability, especially in Romance, are stories where a person is either blind or deaf, or a spouse or parent finding love again after cancer has taken their spouse/child. While those are great, they don't necessarily encompass the often shifting landscape of living with many neurological or rare diseases or even of living with cancer (rather than being the widow/widower). Representation matters and it was great to come across a story where I share a symptom with one of the characters. Thank you.
mommylovestoreadabout 6 years agoThe last scene with Cat and Matt was so moving. Life is not all smooth sailing sometimes we have to weather the storms.
curvygirl00about 6 years agoSo yesterday morning I wake up way too early and I was stoked to see that not only was there a new chapter but a whole extra story too. Yay. Perhaps it was because the day before was my bday and everything.
I loved loved loved ch23 I love Cat. I love Mat and Ricco. Even more than Peri and Josh and that was not possible. Actually I think I relate to Cat better but still.. I see so much of myself in Cat and was in tears when she reverted back to that scared wounded girl after she safe worded. It was perfect and so real. I really hope the story lasts 50 chapters (no pressure. lol) because its the highlight of my sad, single and currently sexless life. I have a chronic illness and your stories have helped me survive some shitty times. Thank you.
BUT THEN.... I started Ashton Hill Fools and was loving it. But then I get to page 9 and its GONE. I could cry. please pleeeease put my mind to rest. when can I finish the story??? I love it so far. That first kiss scene was Amazing and as good as any scene between Cat and her boys and half way through them finally doing the deed it vanished. Im sure there is a good reason its been taken down. I just want it back so bad. <3 <3 Wow you have way too much power over my life. lol.
