The Valenswolf

The clock in the PipeCo break room flipped to 11:45am, and the yard foreman had just started a pot of coffee. Fifteen more minutes and the horn out in the yard would sound, alerting the crew that it was time to break for lunch.

This daily routine at the little pipe supply company ran like clockwork. Earl would come into the office just before lunch to brew a thick dark pot of what he simply called mud. He'd been making coffee that way since he was in the Marines, and wasn't about to let a girl like Gina screw it up. She had only been working there a year, and was all of 20... if even that old. What could a chubby young soda pop drinking girl like her possibly know how to make good coffee?

Then like every other day, Earl would stand there jiggling the pot trying to coax the coffee machine into working a little faster. He wanted to grab the first cup before the yard horn beckoned the rest of of the crew in for lunch, and the closer it got to noon the more the pot got jiggled.

Nothing Earl did had any effect on that grungy old machine, and inevitably the yard horn would sound before the coffee was done. Then Earl would yank the pot out to pour a cup as fast as he could. Of course coffee spilled all over the machine, and Gina would snicker. A couple of minutes later the crew would wander in and paw through the fridge to find their lunches.

Then the guys would sit around the little makeshift break room jokingly taking jabs at each other, arguing about sports, calling bullshit on one another's stories, and telling lies about the women they'd had. All the while Earl would bitch about the sandwich his wife had packed, claiming it was made from a horse's reproductive parts.

This was the lunchtime routine at PipeCo nearly every day of the week, but not this day. This was Friday, and for the last several months the crew had been cheating the time clock and taking a long lunch break to go out somewhere. Even Vinny and Frankie, the truck drivers, had been stopping in on Fridays, talking like wanna be wise guys as they joined in on the verbal fray.

Indeed this was Friday and the men were already taking their verbal shots at each other while they tried to decide where to go eat. That's when PipeCo's owner, a hard working straight shooter named Matt Mathews, walked out of his office scratching his head looking at the clock. It seemed he thought that bit of extra scalp stimulation might help him figure out what was wrong with that clock.

The guys instantly stiffened up and tried to look innocent... well as innocent as a bunch of rough necks could anyway. They could only wonder if this would finally be the day that Matt would come down on them for knocking off early for lunch, but Matt had a much bigger problem on his mind.

"Hey guys." Matt looked around the room to make sure he had everyone's attention. "What are you all getting your wives and girlfriends for Valentine's this year?"

"Fuck that!" Earl grumped from over by the coffee machine. "I ain't never gotten laid on Valentine's Day, so I don't buy none of that shit."

"No shit Earl." Carl, the new equipment operator grinned. "Who would want to fuck an old wrinkle wagon like you?"

"Keep it up Young Bastard." Young bastard... that's what Earl always called Carl. "I wasn't always like this. I used to be young just like you, but when I was young I was actually good lookin'."

"Yeah Right. As if you were ever actually good looking." Carl half mumbled.

"Yup, had so many women I after me I had to swat 'em away with a big old stick. But take it from me, even back then I never got laid on no Valentine's Day."

"Yeah Carl." Frankie chimed in. "Listen to old Earl over there. He might even give you that magic stick of his to beat off with. Lord knows he can't do it anymore. He's too old to swing a stick."

"That's right Young Bastard, and you too Frankie. Just wait. Age caught up with me, and it'll catch up with every one of you. You'll see."

"What about you Robert?" Matt directed his attention to the one guy in the shop who actually seemed to be happily married. "You got any ideas about what I should get Carol for Valentine's?"

"Shit no. It's not even a real holiday." Robert complained. "It's one of those god damned Hallmark holidays. To me Valentine's Day is just an excuse companies use to pollute the airways with ads for the worthless shit they want us guys to buy."

"You got that shit right." Carl chips in. "Valentines ads are the worst. You know, like that nasal sounding jewelry store guy that makes you feel like a giant fucking turd if you don't drop three months' salary on some bracelet he claims he had to blow a guy in Antwerp for."

"No shit. That jewelry guy blows big time." Vinny agrees with Carl. "How about that place that wants you to drop some serious coin on some fucking spa certificate, just so some young stud can feel your wife up for an hour... and don't try to convince me they don't do happy endings at those places either. Why else would women go for that shit?"

"That's no fucking joke Vinnster." Frankie piles on. "What's even worse are those fucking steak and lobster places that say you are lower than whale shit if you don't drop a couple hundred bucks on a half-full plate of food and a fucking cupcake. Hey Earl, you ever tried that one? Maybe a steak dinner and a bucket of flowers would get your old lady to put out."

"You mean bouquet, don't you Frankie? Carl corrects Frankie trying to sound superior. "You mean that Earl should try steak and lobster with a bouquet if he wants to get laid."

"Fuck that." Earl grumbled. "I ain't about to spend no two hundred dollars on some hunk of old dead cow and a sea bug. And don't get me started on flowers. How can anyone charge that much for something that grows in fucking dirt? Not only that, how the hell does the god damn price go up four times just because it's the middle of February?"

"You know, there's always the old stand by." Robert adds, sounding as if he is trying to be helpful. "You guys know what I'm talking about. Those expensive fucking chocolates that just sit on the counter until they go bad because the old fat ass wants you to think she is watching her figure."

"Yous guys got it all wrong." Vinny pipes up using a voice like he's the spawn of Al Capone. "It ain't those shitty overpriced gifts that's the problem here fellas. What we got here is a bunch of outfits that got nothing to sell but some worthless V-Day crap, and they have somehow convinced every woman on earth that she is entitled to that shit. God forbid a man don't buy his gal exactly the right brand of bullshit every February 14th.

"That's no joke." Carl admits. "And, god forbid you make plans that somehow aren't what she's been told counts as romance that fucking week."

"Tell me about it." Matt finally gets into the anti-Valentine's fray. "Last year I made a reservation at Morten's Steak House a week in advance, and got this bag of candy hearts with erotic sayings. On my way home, I dropped a hundred bucks on a really nice bouquet."

"Holy shit boss, you dropped a hundy on fucking flowers?" Frankie teased, acting as if that made Matt some kind of an idiot.

"Sure enough Frankie, and when I got home my wife told me to go change my clothes because I was taking her and the kids to Chucky fucking Cheese... and get this, it was because it's now their Valentine's Day too. I love my kids to death, but they damn sure aren't my Valentines. Last thing I can imagine is anyone getting all romantic with my little ones."

"Yeah, you know they'll throw you in jail for that shit." Earl grumbles as he tries to coax the coffee machine to work a little faster.

"You knuckled under and went to Chuck E Cheese anyway didn't you?" Vinny snickered.

"Yup, had to. The wife wouldn't have it any other way. So my big romantic evening consisted of watching the kids run around screaming until my son barfed up half a bag of erotic candy hearts. It took me days to find those erotic candies, and it took less than five minutes for my wife to give them to the kids. She barely even looked at them. All I can say is it's a good thing the kids can't read yet."

"And what about their periods." Carl laments. "I don't know what the fuck they spray on those god damned overpriced flowers, but whatever it is, it makes a woman get her period in the blink of an eye."

"Yeah, and those Valentines periods always come with a splitting headache too." Robert adds.

"Like I said to start with." Earl grumps as he self-righteously points to everyone. "I ain't never been laid on Valentine's Day, and I'll bet none of you have either."

"Speak for yourself Earl." Vinny points back at Earl. "Me and Frankie... we get laid all the time. Maybe you should hit the night clubs on Valentine's like we do."

"Yeah." Frankie puffs out his chest. "Those bitches all flock to us after their worthless husbands and boyfriends don't treat them right."

"Gawd, you two clowns really do think you are god's gift to women, don't you?" Earl drips with sarcasm.

"Yeah them bitches ain't never the same after they've had the Vinny treatment." Vinny adds, trying extra hard to sound like a player.

"To hell with that." Earl chides. "You two chumps couldn't get laid in a whorehouse on free samples day. You two guidos out pickin' up women?... Hmpf. Those gold necklaces and that two-bit cologne you two douche bags wear belong down at Packard's.

"Are you talking about The Packer?" Carl chimes in. "That's a gay bar Earl."

"Yeah, that's the place I'm talkin' about. You two guys are headed down to The Packer tonight aren't ya?"

"That's right Pisano." Frankie says in a voice that he seems to have stolen from an old gangster movie. "That's where we are going to meet your mother."

"Yeah, your mother." Vinny adds as he flicks his fingers under his chin trying to show Earl disrespect.

"I've got a question for you boss. What did Carol get for you last year?" Robert sincerely asked.

"A card." Matt shrugged his shoulders.

"Just a card? So typical." Robert responded. "Us guys go all out every year and spend big bucks on our gals and all they give us a fucking card with nothing more than a stupid poem or a fucking joke."

"And if you're lucky that joke on the card is actually funny." Carl added on. "But even if it is, the damn joke is always on the man. Those stupid fucking poems are even worse. No matter which kind of card you get, Valentine's cards always make men out to be worthless groveling weasels. I mean, when did Valentine's Day become All Men Are Fucking Schmucks Day?

"When? You ask?" Earl points at everyone again, but this time with a stern level of authority. "I can tell you it's been that way since before any of you young punks were ever born. Hell, as far as I can tell Valentine's Day got fucked up even before I was born. So forget about that bullshit. You ain't gettin' laid and that's that."

Gina, the shy quiet office manager, had been quietly sitting in the room the whole time the guys were swearing like sailors and bitching about Valentine's Day. Young Gina wasn't what any of the guys would call dating material, so they never paid much attention to her. Vinny and Frankie were convinced she was a lesbian. On top of that, her lack of confidence had always kept her from joining in on any of the guys lunch time banter.

Now for the first time ever Gina almost rudely butted in on the guy's conversation... "You know what you guys." She said sounding as pissed off as she could. "I've never gotten any on Valentine's Day either, but that's not the point of it all."

The guys just sat there dumbfounded staring at Gina's pudgy young face until Earl feigns astonishment and says, "She speaks... the girl actually has a voice."

Gina rolls her eyes at Earl and continues... "You guys don't listen to Earl. He's nothing but a grumpy old man. If I had a man who was nice enough to bring me flowers or chocolates I would love him with all my might. If a guy took me out for a nice steak dinner, he would be in for a nice time with me when we got home. And if he bought me one of those beautiful diamond bracelets... Well, I'd do just about anything he wanted."

"Now that's the way it should be." Matt agreed. "Valentine's should be easy like that. God I wish you were my wife."

"Mr. Mathews!" Gina openly blushes, secretly hoping he meant exactly what he said.

"Sorry Gina. I didn't mean it like that. I just wish my wife had your attitude about the whole Valentine's thing."

"Come on Mr. Mathews. Your wife is not so different than me. I mean you are married to an actual flesh and blood woman aren't you? Go out and get Carol something nice. I'm sure she will appreciate it just as much as I would."

"Well I'm not so sure that Carol is actually a woman like you say. Sure, she's usually sweet and loving, but not on Valentine's Day. Something strange happens to her this time of year. It's like she's some kind of bi-polar werewolf, and Valentine's Day is a full moon."

"A werewolf huh?" Gina grins, thinking there might be a bit of hope for her and the secret crush she has on Matt.

"Well, she doesn't grow hair or anything," Matt continues, "but it seems that no matter what I plan, she finds a way to ruin it. On top of that she usually finds something to get all pissed off about and goes completely ballistic. In fact, the only real fights we've ever had were on Valentine's Day, and one year she actually kicked me out. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have called her the Valenswolf that year, but I swear she changes!"

"Okay guys, it's time for lunch." Gina points to the clock. "Let's get out of Mister Mathews hair so he can go Valentine's shopping."

"What? I can't believe it. Gina is actually going to lunch with us for once." Robert states in amazement.

"Does that mean we can't swear today?" Carl inquires.

"You guys can talk however you want around me. I've been sitting here every day for a year and it hasn't stopped a single one of you from having a potty mouth. Now let's go get some fucking bullshit barbecue down at the god dammed Branding Iron so Mister Mathews can go get his wife some fucking Valentine's shit."

With that, the guys headed out the door, eyes wide, and jaws slack, all wondering where their overly shy office assistant learned to talk like that. Little did they realize, she actually learned every bit of it listening to them at lunch day after day.

The last one out the door was Gina, who just before setting the locks, shooed Matt along, telling him to go shopping for his wife.

****

Later that evening, Matt came home to a house that resembled chaos on steroids. The kids were running and screaming and jumping on the furniture. Every room was strewn with toys that were covered with odd bits of red and white paper that may or may not have been cut into the shape of a heart. One of his kids wasn't wearing his pants, which Matt found hidden behind the plant stand soaked with urine.

How could they have made such a mess? He wondered. They couldn't have been home for more than 20 minutes. They don't usually act this crazy. It must be the sugar, he reasoned. They must have completely gorged themselves on those chalky candy hearts at daycare.

As he came into the family room Matt's wife gave him a red envelope. That's it. Nothing more. Just one red envelope obviously containing a Valentine's Day card. If he is lucky, there will be a note telling of the romance to come later, or maybe a blowjob coupon will be neatly tucked into the card.

But alas, it's just a card. Worst of all she didn't even bother to sign it, and Matt is pretty sure it's the same card she gave him last year. Matt reads the card anyway, and forces himself to laugh at the punch lines, even though the poem paints the husband as little more than a stupid bumbling jackass.

As soon as he is done reading the card, Carol puts out her hand waiting for the shower of gifts she thinks she so deeply deserves, but Matt produces nothing.

"Don't you have something you want to give me dear?" Carol asks, leading Matt on.

"Later honey." Matt answers, hoping to make this Valentines Day more romantic by waiting until after the kids to go to bed, and avoiding last year's fiasco at Chuck E Cheese.

"What the hell Matt!" Carol shouts as she goes into her usual Valentine's tirade. "You know it's your responsibility to get me and my children Valentines Day gifts. What are you thinking coming in here empty handed?"

Matt is beside himself. What he heard wasn't that she was displeased with his lack of gifts. What he heard was the fact that she now considers their children to only belong to her, and that his role in this marriage is little more than supplying her and her kids an endless flow of money and trinkets. He has become the dreaded 'husband appliance'.

"Get out!" She screams. "And don't come back unless you have proper Valentine's gifts for both me and my children."

Matt should be irate and he knows it, but he doesn't lash out. Deep down he is far more hurt than he is angry. Carol has once again turned into the Valenswolf and destroyed his plans for Valentine's Day romance. Instead of fighting with her again this year, he simply turns and leaves.

As he drives away, he tries to remember if there was even one time that his wife actually gave him something more than an insulting card on Valentines Day. He starts to think that Earl might have been right all along. Indeed, he couldn't think of even one Valentine's Day where they had sex. Maybe it did happen once or twice, but one thing was for sure, it certainly wasn't worth remembering. All Matt knew now was that he needed to go out and fix this.

His first stop was at that nasal sounding guy's jewelry store where he found a sign on the door saying they were sold out of the ridiculous trinket they had been advertising all week. Still, the number of men in the place was mind boggling, all dropping truly big money on what the sales clerks were telling them was the next best thing. At that point Matt realized the nasal sounding guy has been running the same bait and switch racket for years, and he leaves the store in disgust.

Next he stops by the little specialty candy shop where he found last year's erotic hearts, only to find they were already closed for the evening. So much for the chocolates that were destined to end up in the kitchen cupboard uneaten.

As he drives toward the flower shop he passes the Chuck E Cheese pizza place, and he sees that the parking lot is jammed as full as it can get. He feels sorry for all of the fathers that had undoubtedly been forced to go there instead of doing something romantic with their wives.

When he pulls into the flower shop he sees a big sign plastered on the window saying that all Valentine's bouquets will now be delivered the next day. This new sign all but covers the sign that shows the store's hours and their stingy no return policy. Well so much for that plan.

After that he goes to the Hallmark card store and the place is nothing less than a mad house, full of husbands and boy friends who neglected to shop ahead for their sweetheart. Men are everywhere picking through the bent, torn, and inappropriate cards. All trying to find that one gem that might get them out of the dog house.

That was it. That was Matt's last chance. This Valentine's Day was an even bigger disaster than the last. The gifts, the cards, all he had planned, even what he had said... it was all a huge mess. He sat there wondering if he could have done something different, made a better plan, or said the right thing. None of that mattered now. What is done is done, he figured, and there was no way for Matt to take any of it back.

His fate was sealed. Everything leading up to this point only meant one thing. His last stop would be to a place on the other side of town in a seedy old industrial area next to the river. The last thing he wanted was to go there, especially at that time of night. He had to go though. There was someone there he needed to see. Someone that might be able to help him out with his little Valentine's gift problem.