The Worst of Both Worlds

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Author's Note/Disclaimer: I originally wrote this piece quite a while ago. I was dealing with writer's block as I worked on another story and the idea for this one wouldn't go away. The full title wouldn't fit in the allowed space, so I've put it at the top of the story, as well as split it between the title and short description.

This piece is autobiographical. Everything in it is true. Everything. It covers ten years of my life, even though it's not that long of a piece. The only updating I've done to it since originally writing is error-checking and slight grammatical touch-ups. (A slight bit of content editing as well. I used to say "chick" waaaay too much when talking about women.) Since first writing this, there have been plenty more share-worthy bits, so this likely won't be the last autobiographical piece I share.

For now, enjoy!

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The Worst of Both Worlds: Confessions of a Bi-Male Slut

You know that old joke? A guy goes into a bar, orders ten shots of tequila and downs them all. Bartender asks what the occasion is. Guy says he just got his first blowjob and the bartender congratulates him and offers another shot on the house. Guy declines, saying if ten won't kill the taste, one more isn't going to help.

Well, like all good jokes, it's funny because it has a grain of truth to it. It's nothing more than a goofy joke until the first time a guy blows his load in your mouth. Then you understand all too well what that guy with the ten shots of tequila was after. Oh sure, having a guy cum in your mouth is hot, don't get me wrong, but you're not going to be moaning with joy like some pornstar when it happens. It's gooey, it tastes weird (One girl I know described it as 'salty bleach.' Doesn't that just make you hungry for it?), and it's not the easiest thing to swallow - especially if the guy's a real gusher. Trying to swallow his cum, while he's still spurting and pumping in and out of your mouth, is not that easy. Maybe it gets easier with practice, but it's nothing I ever strove to be good at. (Note: I'm damned good at giving head, just not swallowing, okay?)

Yeah, I know it's not safe, but what is? Does that mean I condone it? Hell no. I'd tell anybody who asked me if they should do it that they shouldn't. It can be a power-trip if the guy will relax and let his cock do its thing. Or it can be a real chore if your guy can't control himself. "Sorry," he'll say. "I just got carried away." Sure you did, pal. Meanwhile you're the one with the dent in the back of your throat and cum running down your chin. But a lot of guys, especially the ones who are strictly tops, just care about busting a nut. Any discomfort you suffer is merely an annoyance that'll delay the next blowjob. Got news for you buddy, if I get annoyed, there is no "next blowjob." Get it?

"Dude," I hear you saying to yourself, "if it's that bad, why do it at all?"

Simple. I love sucking cock. Not "giving head" or "performing fellatio" or "conducting oral negotiations." Sucking cock. That's how much I get into it when I do it. I fantasized about it for the longest time before I ever did it. It got so bad that I was bobbing my head, imagining a cock in my mouth as I was jacking off. And I had a girlfriend at the time!

Well, she and I broke up, and not because of my desire to taste meat. We just grew apart and the break was about as clean as it could've been. We're still friends today if that lets you know how smooth the break was. There was one other girl after her (before I got to my first guy) but she and I didn't last long. We just didn't click and I was really horned up to get with a guy. That said, she was the first person ever to rim me and I thank her for that. If you've never had it done to you, I highly recommend it. Maybe my ass is just extra sensitive, but I thought I was gonna pass out from how good it felt.

Enough about women, though. I'll get back to them later.

So there I was, horny for a guy and I had no idea how to meet one. Sure, I knew where the bars in my town were, but I wasn't ready for that. Where else to turn? The only other place I could think of - the personals. "Disillusioned, Elitist White Snot." I think I'll remember that headline for the rest of my life. I can't remember the rest of the ad, but I cracked up at the headline and knew I wanted to meet this guy. Okay, I'd pretty much decided to sleep with him if he agreed to go out with me, but we're not up to that part yet. The ad was amusing enough to warrant a call to the 900 number (we're talking pre-tinder days here) and leave a message if he sounded cool. He did, so I left a message. Two actually, since I got cut off by the machine while I was leaving the first one. I started my second one with "How rude!" and just kept going from there. I guess that made an impression since he called the next day.

We chatted for a bit, not about anything in particular and agreed to meet up in a couple days. I met him at his place and we hung out for a while. Maybe that was part of sizing each other up, I'm not sure. I've had a few gay friends, but this was the first time I was meeting a gay guy as something other than a friend. He was a few inches taller than me, maybe 6' 3" or so and had a nice, sturdy build. Not a gym rat or anything, but he clearly made the effort to keep himself fit. He was nicely tanned and was sporting a businessy crewcut. He was certainly easy on the eyes, so I didn't mind the chitchat.

He talked about his job at an ad agency he was a partner at and I thought that was cool since I'd just gotten my B.S. in advertising a year ago. After a bit of that we went out to get something to eat. He had me drive his car, I'm not sure why. Maybe he just like being chauffeured around. (I'd biked over to his place, so my wheels weren't really an option.) We went to a little local place we both liked and had a simple dinner and talked more. The usual "first date" banter, I suppose. What do you do for a living? What would you rather be doing? Nothing too serious. Finally dinner was over and we went back to his place. We chatted some more - him, to put me at ease, I guess. Me, because I had no idea what my first move should be. He solved that problem. "I'm going to do something I've been wanting to do all evening," he announced. "I'm going to kiss your neck".

He'd been sitting on the couch and I was on a footstool in front of him. He walked over to me, bent over with his hands on my shoulders and did just what he'd said he was going to to. I closed my eyes, sighed and just let it happen. He took this as a good sign, which it was, and moved on to my mouth. I wasn't sure what kissing a guy would be like, but it wasn't that different from kissing a girl. After a minute or so, he broke the kiss, reached down and pulled my shirt off. Then he kissed me again and this time his hands started rubbing my chest and back. It felt REALLY good. A bit more of that and he took me by the hand and led me upstairs to his bedroom.

I was nervous and excited at the same time. He sat me on the edge of his bed and took off his shirt and pants. He was halfway hard already and his cock looked huge through his briefs. Then he bent down and pulled my shorts off, leaving me in just my Calvins (I'm usually a boxers guy, except when it comes to riding a bike. Tried that once and the results were uncomfortable to say the least.) with a very visible erection and a large wet spot on the front.

"You sure look ready," he teased.

I blushed and couldn't think of anything to say in response.

"Good," was all he said.

He pushed me down onto the bed and laid down next to me. We kissed some more and started rubbing each other all over. He really liked my ass (I think having a good ass is probably the best side-effect of lots of cycling.) and kept squeezing and kneading it with his strong hands. I touched him all over and my curiosity finally killed off my nervousness. I took off his underwear.

This was the first time I'd seen any cock besides mine this close up. Closer than I'd seen mine actually, since I'm not quite flexible enough to check myself out that well. He was fully hard and had a lot to show off. He was easily eight inches long, maybe a little more than that, quite thick, and he had the biggest balls I'd ever seen hanging down from the base of his cock. I'd never seen an erect - and uncut - cock this big before and told him so. He seemed amused by that and let me play with it while he laid back and enjoyed what I was doing. Now, I'd never touched any cock but my own, but for the most part a dick's a dick. What works for one is gonna work on any other. I stroked it, rubbed it, played with the head, took as much of it as I could in my hand and slid the skin back and forth. He got even harder, if such a thing is possible, and swelled a little more. He was leaking pretty steadily by this point, so I got my hands slicked up with his precum and started working him a little harder. I guess he didn't want to cum yet, since he took my hands off his length and said, "my turn." I let him flip me onto my back and he moved down to my crotch. I thought he was going to finish stripping me then, but he had other ideas. He lowered his mouth to my cock and started licking me through my briefs. If I'd been oozing before I was positively flowing at this. Christ, did it feel good. A couple minutes of this and he was ready to get down to serious business.

He grabbed the elastic waist of my underwear and pulled them off. I remember my head catching as he pulled them down and my cock slapped back onto my stomach with a loud "Fwap!" and a splatter of precum on my belly.

"Did that hurt?" he asked.

I mumbled something to the effect of "no" and he got right back to work. Now, I'd had my cock sucked before, but rarely this enthusiastically. He damn near inhaled it, taking it all into his mouth on the first go. He held it like that for a moment, his nose pressed into my pubes, and started licking and sucking without moving his head. It's like he was nursing or something. I let out a long, low moan and then he really started going to town. Bobbing, licking, sucking - he really knew what he was doing. I did not last long at all.

"I'm gonna...." I moaned.

I don't know if he didn't hear me or didn't care, but he went right on with what he was doing. My whole body started tensing up and he reached beneath me, taking my ass in his hands. That was all it took. I moaned louder than I probably ever have before and he knew what that meant. He squeezed my ass and pulled me all the way into his mouth as I came. And, man, did I ever cum. I was groaning and shooting and he just kept on sucking, never stopping for a second. He kept going until I'd stopped twitching and finally let my cock slide out of his mouth. I was panting and gasping, my whole body feeling drained. He moved up next to me and propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at me.

"Wow," I complimented him as he started rubbing my chest and stomach. "That was great."

He didn't answer, instead leaning down to kiss me. I could taste myself on his lips and that magic tongue (yes, I know what I taste like) but that didn't bother me. We made out for a little bit until I got my strength back. Then it was time for me to take care of him. I didn't go down on him that first night. I can't say why, since I'd thought about doing it for so long. Maybe I was a little intimidated by his cock. Maybe I just wasn't ready to do it yet.

He didn't seem to mind, so it was okay. We traded postures, him going flat on his back and me rising to one elbow so I could watch him react to my attentions. I worked him with my hand as though I were jacking a larger version of my own cock. He must've really gotten off on getting me off, since he didn't last much longer than I had. After a short while his cock swelled and his egg-sized balls drew up - all the tell-tale signs of an impending climax. He shot like I only wished I could, blasting ropes of cum all over his chest and belly, grunting all the while. Again, his talents warranted the only compliment I seemed able to come up with that night.

"Wow."

He'd made quite a mess. "Do I need to get something to clean you up?" I asked.

"No, I'll get it," he said as he got up to head to the bathroom. After he came back to the bedroom I took my turn doing a little clean up and returned to find him under the covers. I climbed in next to him and we curled up together, him wrapping his arms around me as though I needed protecting. I didn't, but it felt really nice.

That night was the start of a four-month relationship that was quite the learning experience. We'd get together a couple of times each week to go out to dinner, then feast on each other back at his place. The second time we were in bed together I didn't hesitate at all when it came to sucking his cock. I dove in like a pro and I guess he liked the way I did it. Afterwards he asked how many guys I'd been with.

I laughed as I asked him, "including you?"

"Sure," he replied, "including me."

"One." The look on his face was priceless.

"How can that be?" he wanted to know.

"I dunno," I shrugged. "I had a girlfriend who always claimed that she 'gave head like an angel.' I guess I paid better attention than I thought I had."

"I guess," he replied, still dumbfounded.

After I got home the next morning I called her up.

"Have I ever thanked you for being such a good lover?" I asked.

"I don't think so," she chuckled.

"Well, I should have. Because you really were," I informed her.

"Thanks," she replied. "what brought this on?"

I told her the story of the previous night (yes, I really have told her stuff like that) and while she may have thought it was weird, I think she got the point of what I was trying to say.

This guy was also the first guy I swallowed for. I hadn't planned on doing it, and he didn't force me to - it just happened. He was sitting on the edge of his bed and I was kneeling between his legs (a posture I seem to have developed quite a fondness for). I was working my magic on his cock and he started moaning louder, signaling his approaching climax. I kept right on going and he said, "you're going to take it?" My only reply was to start working him in and out of my mouth faster. He moaned one last time and started shooting. I knew how much he could cum, so I'd backed off, only keeping the head in my mouth. He shot so much, so fast, I barely had time to register the taste. I was just gulping and swallowing, trying to make sure I caught it all. I kept my mouth on him 'til he was done, then bobbed a few extra times to clean him up. It was only then that I really noticed the taste - gunky. That's the only word I have for it.

Supposedly some guys taste different from others, but it's all gunky to me. (Women, on the other hand, do have quite a flavor spectrum.) He wondered why I'd decided to do it, and I told him I wasn't really sure - just seemed like a good idea at the time. He agreed.

I had a bunch of "firsts" with this guy, but not the big one. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was eager to get him inside me. He just didn't have a clear understanding of the necessity of lubrication. With his cock, you'd think he would've had a Ph.D. in KY, but he didn't. We tried a couple times, but he was just too much. He'd get the head to start going in me and I'd tell him to stop. I've since taken a guy his size who knew what to do, and it just made me wish that my first male lover had known his stuff. Maybe we would've lasted longer than four months...

But we didn't. He was falling in love and I just wanted to play. He actually sent me a "Dear John" letter to break up. What the hell was that about? Shit, if you want to dump me, just say so. If you don't want me around, I'll move on. Not a big deal.

I never topped that first guy either, and have only done it once. It was a one-nighter that was probably a bad idea from the start. I was hanging out in an arcade, just playing games and this cute, dark-skinned guy walked up to me. I thought he wanted to join the game, but he just watched until I was done. When my game was over he commented on the pink triangle pin on my jacket and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. Sure, I figured. Why the hell not?

Well, a quick beer and a short walk later, and we're back at my place taking each other's clothes off. He was decent looking - good bod, nice cock - and seemed to like how I looked, so we went at it. I still hadn't been fucked yet, and while he may not have been as big as my former boyfriend, I wasn't willing to take him on so quickly. He asked if I wanted to fuck him and I said I'd never topped anybody. He didn't care, and I guess he just wanted somebody to get fucked that night. He had lube in his backpack and took care of getting himself ready while I grabbed a condom. He got on all fours and I moved into position behind him.

I'm sure you know how it went from there - in, out, repeat until completion. It was okay, I guess, but not as good as sex with a woman is. I guess maybe I thought it was going to be something it wasn't. I love the way it feels to be inside a woman, and it's just not the same with a guy. Or maybe I thought it'd be one of those "first time" experiences that always seems so good when you look back on them. You know - first kiss, first real kiss, first time you feel somebody up, first time somebody feels you up, first time you see somebody else naked, first threesome. Those all stand out in my mind, and I can tell you when, where, and with whom they all happened. But doing a guy just doesn't compare to any of those experiences. Nothing spectacular, nothing tragic, nothing special.

Thinking back on it, the first time I got fucked was about as memorable. Maybe it's the same for guys as it is for girls - the first time somebody does you isn't the magical experience you've been led to believe it is. It was another one-nighter - sensing a pattern here? - this time with a guy I met at a club. He was a bit of an oddball, and I probably could've done better, but it'd been a while since anyone other than me had gotten me off, so I was willing to take whatever came my way. (As long as it was half-decent, mind you. I do have some standards.) He was an average looking guy, if a little stocky. I had a few inches of height on him and was in better shape. He was your typical "teddy bear" type - cuddly, strong enough for what he needed to do and just cute enough that you wouldn't mind waking up next to him. We talked a bit, drank a bit, and after the club closed we ended up back at his place in nothing but our skin. His body was about how I'd expected it would be, maybe a tad chubbier than I'd thought, but most importantly - average cock. This, I thought, was something I can work with.

We went through all the preliminaries easily enough and he told me he wanted to fuck me. I was nervous, but he was a reasonable enough size and seemed to know what he was doing, so I told him to go ahead. He laid me on my back and got us both ready, putting on a condom and lubing both it and my ass. I was a bit wary, and I guess making fists in his sheets before he even tried to enter me gave me away. He told me to relax, put a thick pillow under my ass, and pushed my legs up towards my chest. He went in easier than I'd expected and damn, did it feel good!

I'd done some playing of my own back there, but it was nothing like what I was getting from him. I'm not sure if that's how it feels when a girl gets it from a guy, but I imagine it's not too terribly different. I've had girls moan when I've been inside them, and damn if I wasn't moaning at having this guy in me.

Clearly, he liked the reaction he was getting from me, and since I appeared to have no trouble taking him, he really started going at it. I'd thought getting pounded like that would've hurt, but it didn't. It felt great! I'd figured this was about as good as it could get until he squirted some lube onto my cock and started working it in time to his humping. Oh man, was I ever in heaven then. I wasn't able to take much of that and before long I was cumming all over myself. He rode me throughout my orgasm, then told me to grab my knees. I was only too happy to comply. Freed from having to hold my legs up, he leaned over me and placed his hands by my shoulders. Now he didn't have to worry about anything but chasing down his own orgasm, which he did in short order.