The Worst of Both Worlds

(If you're a bi woman, you've got it made. Straight guys love you because they think you'll let them watch you get with another girl - even though you most likely won't. Even if lesbians aren't into you because you get with guys, there's plenty of bi women who don't want to be thought of as lesbians even though they won't go near a guy. And that's fine!)

So everybody thinks of bi people as going out and having the full gender buffet wide open to them, but it's not always a party. All the good stereotypes about being gay? You don't get 'em. Snappy dressers, good dancers? Please, I couldn't dress my way out of a paper bag. Not that I walk around naked all the time (hmmm, but I do at home so maybe...) but I'm not a "well-groomed" person at all. Baggy shorts, a t-shirt and a short-sleeved shirt on over that and I'm set. And don't even get started on hair. Ugh. My hair does whatever it wants, don't try to reason with it. Dancing? How about you just shoot me now? It'll be less painful for all of us. Give me time and I could come up with more stereotypes I don't live up to, but you get the idea.

"So is there anything good about being bi?"

Sure. You really do get to pick from the whole buffet and not just a certain portion of it. The quality may not be what you expect all the time, but that goes for anybody - no matter what they're into. If you think I'm wrong about that, go look at the couples that come out of any bar paired up together at closing time. More often than not, you can tell who "settled" and who "scored" pretty easily.

You get to travel in both worlds - gay and straight. It's like dual citizenship for sexuality. Granted you're considered a tourist in both places, but what the hell, everybody loves to travel, right?

And every once in a great while, something happens that makes you forget all about whatever label you've picked for yourself. Could be a guy, could be a girl - that's not the point. The point is that somebody comes along (or comes along again) that restores your faith in the world. Remember earlier when I mentioned the "ruin our friendship" myth? This final tale is about how much crap that line really is. (You didn't think I'd end this on a down note - gloomy title or not - did you?)

She's a wonderful friend and I've known her for more than ten years. I don't even remember when we met. Doesn't matter, I suppose. She's been a pal since day one - whenever that was. We'd hang out, do fun shit together, even pass out in bed together when we got tired - but nothing physical ever happened. She's one of the coolest people I've ever met, and I still care about her even if I don't see her that often. She's one of the four great crushes of my life. Maybe you've had more than four, or less, but I've just had the four.

One, nothing ever happened with. The second was the girl I mentioned back at the beginning that I called to thank for being a good lover - I think you can figure out what happened with her. Number four I met a few years after this part takes place, and I've been with her ever since.

But this is about number three. We lived about 2,000 miles apart at the time of this event and hadn't seen each other for a couple years. We'd gotten back in touch and she wanted to come for a visit. We'd hang out, I'd show her around my new town, and maybe do some camping while she was here. Sounded great to me. She came to town and hadn't changed much since the last time I'd seen her. Still her cool, cute, outgoing, do-anything self.

We did stuff like we always had in the past - go out to eat, explore the city, chill in front of the tv, and crash together when it was time to sleep. The first two nights she actually slept next to my bed (her back was bothering her from the flight) and we talked until we dozed off. The third night, she climbed into bed with me and still nothing happened. The next morning I woke up first and lay there watching her sleep in her t-shirt and boxers. "This is stupid," I told myself. "You're worrying about being rejected, just like when you were seventeen. Worst-case scenario is a 'no,' so stop being such a wimp about it."

Boldened by my inner-monologue I reached out and started caressing her tummy, firmly enough not to tickle, but softly enough to enjoy the feel of her skin. She stirred a little, so I kept at it, eventually sliding my hand under her shirt and rubbing beneath her breasts. As I started touching one of her breasts she opened her eyes, looking out at me through half-lidded eyes.

"I don't think this is such a good idea," she said.

"How come?" I asked, not removing my hand.

"I don't want to mess up our friendship," she explained. (See! I told you you'd see that line again.)

I just gave her a look as though she'd said the goofiest thing I'd ever heard.

"Okay, I guess that does sound really dumb," she admitted. (So, guys - girls too, I suppose - if anybody ever uses that line on you, call them on it! It's pure bullshit and they know it.)

That admission was all the encouragement I needed. We only did some basic fooling around that morning, and for the next few nights until we "did the deed," but I was in no hurry. It was the most fun I've had being naked with somebody in years.

If you've never laughed with somebody (WITH, not AT) during or after sex, you're not really getting the most out of your time together. Case in point. The first night after we'd fooled around (I'd like to point out that she made the first move that evening, so no getting pissed at me for starting before she woke up the first time.) I was left with quite a mess on my stomach and chest.

"Do I need to get you a towel or something?" she asked me.

"No, it's okay," I told her. "I've got a washcloth in my night stand."

"You loser!" she laughed.

Not something you expect to hear from somebody in bed, but I guess it was kinda true. Hell, without intending to, I'd just admitted that I jacked off enough to be prepared for the aftermath. It was so unexpected that I couldn't help but laugh along with her.

That moment set the tone for the rest of her visit. We could go out and do "friend" stuff every day and every night we were back in bed together. The only exception was one night while we were camping. We'd gone on a long day-hike and were pretty beat. We were in our own sleeping bags, but weren't totally zipped up yet. I rolled over, kissed her and started messing around. I must've been more tired than I realized because the next thing I knew I was waking up to her chuckling and telling me, "we don't have to fool around every single night, you know?" I think I grumbled something about wanting to try anyway, but she just laughed and pulled my hand out of her shorts. She gave me one last kiss for the evening then I was out like the proverbial light. She stayed with me for two weeks and they were two of the best weeks of my life. I was dropping her off at the airport all too soon. I still remember the last kisses she gave me outside the terminal. Not long, passionate ones either. Just simple, chaste ones. Maybe you'd call them "good-bye" kisses, but I thought of them as hints of things maybe yet to come.

I coasted on the high I got from that visit for quite some time. You need something like that to come along every now and then and no matter what else is happening in your life. No matter what your job is, no matter how long you go without sex, no matter how much of a slut you are - all will be right with the world. And if everything doesn't get right with the world? Fuck it. Make a new world for yourself. Write it. Draw it. Build it. Just don't be satisfied until it's good enough for you.

Okay, so that's not the strongest ending in the world, but what do you expect? This is a confessional monologue, not a story. It's all true, so that's got to count for something. If you want something deep and meaningful, turn off your damned computer and go outside. Get together with some friends. Go to the park. Get lost in the woods. Stand naked in your backyard and stare at the stars. Just do something different from what you've been doing all day. Do something NEW, for fuck's sake. Okay?

Trust me, you'll feel better for it.