All Comments on 'The Yips Pt. 01'

Good stuff. Really, really good stuff. Thank you very much.

LWlurker

Interesting!

4

It's not exactly.....finished

Off to a great start.

A very good story that has drawn the reader in. I am looking forward to the next chapter. The characters are complex and well developed. Good start to what could be a great tale

Fantastic tale!

Wow! Damn good start!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

There was a lot of story packed into this part 1. Well researched and highly detailed information re the game of Baseball. The names were a tad confusing at times: Meghan, Melody plus the other "sisters". But looking forward to developments from here. I really hope he doesn't turn out to be some type of cuck idiot. His emotionally cheating wife is turning into a cheating slut physically and has "followed the money" by hooking up with an American Football player. One can only hope he gets crunched in a game, ending his own participation. Still, long-term contracts and his ad-hoc income via adverts mean he won't be penniless. But what happens when the quarterback dumps her? Cheers.

Whoa, this is very, very good. Like the style it's more than merely enjoyable.

As a Red sox fan. Thank you. Love it so far.

Yankees Suck!!!👍🍺

Awesome start don't take forever to complete. A Five star for this one.

Well written, looking forward to seeing what happens next. 5*

From one who had visions, I appreciate your knowledge and writing skills.

A bit long. For me it dragged on and felt the same story could have been told I a lot fewer words but I appreciate the effort and look forward to the conclusion.

Gave it 5 stars because it's so well crafted. But I also don't really like it much, because that well-crafted structure reduces the impact of the story. The expressive energy doesn't build, it leaks away between the seams.

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Some genres can get fancy. The literary story, obviously, and also SF. Others --- Westerns, mystery/crime, the LW tale --- are best served by a more straightforward approach. Still, hats off to your skill.

Excellent start to the story. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Absolutely brilliant! The local color is great, (back in the 70’s I worked summers for the Wareham school dept. with several of the CC League ball players, I also would bring dates to see the glass flowers to impress them with my appreciation of beauty!). Unfortunately, none of the players that I worked with had it together or were as smart as Bryan. None that I knew made it to the “Bigs”

Your characters come through as three dimensional real people. Your scene description is excellent also- contrasting a typical dorm room with Lauren’s immaculate one, (“no socks under the bed”) gives an insight into her character.

Can’t say enough good things- keep up the great work!

An easy and guaranteed 5; a fascinating and new expose into the life of the professional athlete- in this case a baseball player, with all the intrigues of his personal life woven throughout. A life which most of us can only imagine and dream about.

Can't wait for Literotica to implement a 1-10 scoring system; would make for much more accurate scoring. This would be a 10. Thanks.

Incoherent and jumps all around, This story made no sense.

Gave you 5 stars for a well crafted story. I hope the subsequent chapter goes as well. I thought for a bit you were going to go very heavy into sports, but you used the terms well to illustrate various ideas. like corking a bat.

There's a lot to like in this one. I have no interest in baseball, either as a sport or recreation. Nevertheless, the detail about what the game demands at a high level was absolutely fascinating. The plot is creative, but could use some tightening. The character development is mostly good, with some glitches. For example, if a Texas oilfield worker today lives in a trailer surrounded by chickens in a god-forsaken rural part of South Texas, it's because he wants to. Even with the boom and bust cycle, a guy who has been in the oil business for years will easily be able to afford a decent home in a small town in South Texas. Of course, the plot point was to establish what "Lauren" was afraid of returning to, but it could have been done in a more credible way. The "Mel" and "surgeon" characters are annoying feminist virtue signalling, and the treatment treatment of Harvard, today, as an ever-so-special intellectual place is pure anachronism. I graduated from HLS and have other academic degrees and prestigious post-graduate fellowships. The women at HLS were nothing very special intellectually, nor were they when they got into practice. That is not to say they didn't have fine resumes, but in these days of AA/"diversity"/"equity" pathologies, the listed achievements frequently didn't, and increasingly don't, mean much. As for Harvard, outside of STEM, the institution substantively might as well be "Harvard State University". It still, unfortunately, enjoys a lot of unmerited prestige that is carried over from a better past, but the faculty, curriculum, and students are so politicized now that it resembles a Marxist re-education camp...a re-education camp whose internees, guards, and administrators are wildly narcissistic... offering "struggle sessions" instead of an educational institution with serious courses. "Mel" is just a Marvel Comics character and, given the truly fine character development in the bulk of the story, she stands out as a mistake like an unforced error in the infield.

I know Hondo well, and your use of "local color" in places was another strength of this piece.

Wow! Best story I've read here in a long time. Literature on Literotica's Loving Wives, who'd a thought?

Profound , deeply despairing and professionally written ! Can’t wait for the complete series , a literary equivalent to the World Series ! Excellent bar none !!!

Wow!

This is excellent writing.

Thank you.

Very good. I am not an avid baseball fan, but the career events flowed well. Possibly a bit too intellectual for some readers here, but not overly done. Fate took Bryan’s soulmate away and he tried to move on with an incomplete replacement. She is broken and the asshole took advantage of her weaknesses. Not excusing her, she owed it to Bryan to explain her fears.

Best he latch on to Brie.

Liked it a lot!! 👍👍

Excellent start! I’m hooked, you dang Hondo Owl.

Maybe the best story every on Literotica. I can't wait for the second installment.

This story is right in my wheelhouse. Baseball and unfaithful wives, ain't that America? I enjoyed this more than any other LW story I have read in some time. I like it better than the shit I post. Very well written, plotted and delivered. I am eager to read the next chapter. Thanks for posting. (5 from me)

OK story. But I thought it had a lot of unnecessary filler that didn't really add anything to the story. Waiting for the rest of the story before I score it.

Love it! I'm hooked.

Great setup - hope our hero gets a better life with Melody. 5*

You got me! I played baseball. Everybody I knew played baseball. None of us we good enough to start on the HS team, but as kids we all played. So there darn well better be a Chapter 2 and 3 or whatever you need to finish this tale.

FTDS.

Yah I know it is fiction but I got caught up in the story

The MC is good with a bat so I hope that he uses it on the football guy

Knees arms head whatever

Oh and Burn the Bitch

Deep, and profound

You are a really, really good writer! Great story!

Simply one of tne best stories posted in LW in a long while.

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The detail enriches the story…it does not encumber it. The novelty of a professional ball player that is also an expert in classical languages was fascinating. The storyline, while a common trope, is being told with skill. Love the characters….especially his sister Brie :)

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One plot mystery…..why couldn’t have Lauren stayed with him in Phoenix?

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Looking forward to the next chapter (s).

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4 strong ****

She has already cheated, story seems over.... story just seems to be his failure to deal with it in any way.

You hit a homer with this one, hope I don't have to wait to long for the next chapter!

Great story. Very well written. Marvelous job on the characters in this story. Hopefully you will continue. Looking forward to the next chapter. 5stars

You are officially my #1 choice to read here now. I loved the corked bat metaphor. Your characters are real and breathing creations that have a coherent and realistic conflict which you have developed in beautiful language. I could be satisfied if this is the end of the story, but I certainly hope it is not. I will hold you to this being part one...like in the title.

Can't wait to read the next part of your story to see how Bryan deals with the demons chasing him. Not being a big baseball fan growing up, although Micky Mantle was a childhood hero, that part was a tad tedious to me. Just wondering how strong Brie's power will be revealed.

If RobertaBob wants to make witch and warlock magic a major part of the plot then change category. The plot and characters were good without the magical vibes telling about wife cheating. That is lazy writing.

I would change my opinion if he can turn the football player into a bunny in a cage is snakes. Magic should have more than just a feeling of something wrong.

Great story... I want more!

Great job so far! Unlike an awful lot of the contributors to Lit, you can really write! The story is engaging and convincing, the characters talk like actual people, and you create situations where we care about them and wonder what will happen next. Or, rather, we speculate and imagine, then read on eagerly to find out if we are right. This is everything we look for in a great story.

Thanks so much! ohio

Superb! Thank you for the skillfully crafted story. I can't wait to read the next installment. There are so many divergent possibilities for plot and character development open with the ending of this part 1. It will be exciting to see where you take this tale next. I admit I can't even guess where this is going. 5/5

Can't wait for the next installment.

Im loving it so far. Great set up. I cant wait for the next part.

I can't wait for part 2 and I do hope it will be coming soon, this is so much better than most of the LW stories lately. You have a gift so please use it and help us LW fans come out of the doldrums and so 5 doesn't come close to the true score for this wonderful story!

I kept thinking as I read this, "Have I read this before?" I thought I had some sort of weird deja vu, until the comment about Tom Brady having six championship rings. He won his seventh two years ago. Was this story, or one very similar to it, published, then pulled? I like it. It's a good story so far. Has my attention. I just swear I've read this before.

It’s going to turn into a RAAC.

Page 5 early.

Not sure who he should be more afraid of, Lauren or Brie.

OH SHIT.....now i have to wait for more of this great story!

I have no idea why the hell you are writing something this well crafted (albeit much too padded with excessive info that wasn't needed and rather dragged it down) in the shit hole that the closeted boys have dragged to new depths of late.

Im looking forward to part II.

End of page 5:

Hot damn, dodged a bullet! Bitch with baggage is gone. OTOH, he has a self professed witch in his room.

Good story so far. Keep in coming.

Great story! I do have a nit to bring up. The minor league team is in Worcester. There’s no “h” in the name. And for those of you outside central Massachusetts, it’s pronounced “woostah”. Don’t ask why. It just is.

Re: Anonymous and Harvard. You're picking on the smallest (and imagined) nit in the story. The only point of mentioning Harvard was to show how driven Mel is, nothing more, but somehow it's triggering in you some weird form of PTSD. Based on your comments regarding the intellect of the women/minorities ("AA") who attend, though, I would eat your hat if in real life you have ever had any association with a top-10 school outside of an hourly employment position. "Marxist re-education camp" - too funny, that hat of yours is doubtless red, with a four letter slogan designed to appeal to the marks. "Feminist virtue signalling"? I'm shocked that someone with your background an towering intellect could so misread the story (hint: that's not what the author is doing), but if you look hard enough, I suppose you'll eventually see monsters under every bed.

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And yeah, unlike you, I actually do have a piece of paper from one of those schools.

I read it a second time and decided that 5 was a more appropriate score!

5

great writing i give it a 5 to encourage another chapter

I'm hoping it's Brie, not Melody. Too formulaic.

Write about what you know! Of course, it helps if you can write and helps more if you can do it well. Good job!

I like the derails you include. Ithey make the story much more engaging.

I like the story, though I am not a baseball fan. That means it is well done.

Re: re anonymous and Harvard. As I read the comment, he was generally favorable about the the story, as am I. The fact that he criticized aspects of it doesn't change that. I do, however, disagree with your blather about our allegedly "elite" colleges and universities. I have diplomas from 3 and taught at 1.

So, not a Marxist re-education camp? You claim the piece of paper, but you somehow don't get the alumni magazine from the prestigious institution you allegedly have a diploma from, or is it that you don't read with comprehension? Gramscian Marxists (and variations thereon) have wholly taken over administrations and most departments. Further, only someone afflicted with invincible ignorance can deny that the "affirmative action/diversity/equity" programs and admits haven't degraded the quality of the intellectual life of the university and it's student body. Since the 90s the content of the SAT has been manipulated to try to eliminate racial disparities on the assumption that the test is "culturally biased". Despite that, in litigation we have discovered that an Asian applying to the defendant school may have had to have a score 450 points higher than an "approved" minority to receive an equal chance of admission. What happens when you put students with an average of 1500 SATs together in class with 1050 SATs? Standards fall because the less academically capable students cannot perform at the level of rigor or learn at the speed of the other students. When you factor in the false consciousness of "grievance" that many of the "diversity" students bring with them, the result is...well, for example, the Yale, Harvard, or Stanford history or "studies" departments. If you don't admit that, you obviously didn't attend, don't pay attention, or approve of it and believe that denial furthers the cause (rather like the "old style" Marxists and their denials about Alger Hiss). As for the "point" of the story, I would agree. The few things the other commenter mentioned as criticisms are not the "point" of the story: they are aspects...cultural artifacts, if you prefer, but he wasn't claiming they were the point.

Wow, great start to what I'm sure is going to be an epic story! Truly looking forward to the next installments.

Fantastic writing! 5*. The way you have chosen to tell the tale, from present tense to past and back is a bit confusing, but I can overlook that. I really hope you have the rest written and submitted so we can read this one after the other.

Outstanding. 5*

This has to be part 1 right? Terrible way to end it....

Shit … this is a great story, and like my Saturday early PM serials, it is to be continued a week later! PLEASE?

Now following. First story of yours I’ve read. 4 pages in I know I will read them all.

Well the baseball stuff made as much sense to me as cricket would to most Americans but that really was an excellent story. Thank you and looking forward to part 2.

Great start, but the "Mel" character was written like a cardboard prop. As for the "elite" university debate below, the Ivies have lost their luster, except among those unacquainted with what they've become over the last 50 years or among alums in denial. WHAT you study is now far more important than where you attend.

I'm not a big sports fan,but I feel I've learned something about baseball and now have some appreciation for the sport and how hard even the athletically gifted have to work to excel. I'm looking forward to the next part.

boring

Excellent. Besides the relationship dynamics I loved the description of The Game. You can tell your love of the game and it’s nuances. Beautiful.

Get busy and finish this story or I'll have the coven descend on you. No score yet but this one might be a 12 star!

Drew me right in. Sometimes seemed to drag, but not enough to diminish my interest. I look forward to the next installment.

Excellent. Love baseball. More.....D

Fuck. I hate when an author leaves s story hanging like this. 1 * Can't stand to be jerked around by a nobody

I really enjoyed this. Can’t wait for the next installment

Excellent read. Love a good baseball story, with sex thrown in. Five stars very well written. Hope chapter 2 is not far off.

Great read thanks!

Very well written.

One thing amazes me.

Even though I've never watched baseball,

all this writing about it,

never put me off.

That shows, to me, the quality of the writing.

Top ratings from me.

Thank you

You couldn't have just used pawtucket so I could pretend Luccino didn't fuck us over? Sigh. Otherwise, it was fantastic. God I love baseball.

A little verbose

God you must love baseball lol. Not my country not my game but I do love films about the sport, your in depth descriptions of the finer aspects were fascinating but I have no real reference points to compare it to, still very interesting stuff.

As to the the story? Must be difficult married to someone crazier than a box of frogs.

Very well done though and I look forward to the next part.

Wow! Just …. Wow! Keep them coming - please?

55555! Terrific story. Thank You very much.

It suffers from being the length of a novel on a site in which the contributions ought to be short.

Too long, and it’s part one?

Trying to compete with War and Peace?

Great tale. Can’t wait to read the next installment

How dare you be honest about my beloved Jets?

I'm a sucker for baseball stories and this didn't disappoint. Moving on to the next chapter.

5 - great storytelling. Looking forward to part 2

and just as boring, and effeminate. When I first read this I thought: Wrong Country, Wrong Culture, Wrong Sport. This should be British, with a Cricket Cuck having his wife seduced by a footballer. The wife of course is a "chippy", I think, from whatever parts of England produce white trash. This story was 90% homage to the sport of baseball, the other half was just tedious obnoxious fag cuck shit. And probably an insult to the average American baseball player. You think a man who makes his living swinging a 2-pound club 70mph, hitting a target smaller than 3 inches flying at 90mph with fractional inch accuracy, imparting over 4,000 foot pounds of impact energy, is intimidated by any man? No, not the professional baseball player, but easily the professional baseball fan. This is a story of vicarious cuckoldry, very well crafted and told, but no less obnoxious. And insulting to both the baseball player, and poor women in general.

So Lauren is afraid of being poor, paranoid, apoplectic, and must subsume her morals, ethics, virtue, human decency, to the pragmatic application of her sex and charm to defraud men into providing the life style to which she wants, craves, covets, and of course, being a young beautiful sexy American woman, is entitled. Marriage vows and commitments be damned. And what does the Cuck do? He sympathizes with her. After all, Its Not Her Fault. She's POOR; what do you expect? He married a beautiful sexy sociopath because he is a cowardly opportunist with low intellect. He got exactly what he married, and what he deserved.

If it hadn't been for the distraction of the baseball theme this would be just another mediocre cuck humiliation story, who of course ends up with a more beautiful intelligent and fertile woman. The sad part is not how the cuck was treated, but that he will probably pass on his defective genes. Darwin weeps. I just yawn. But thanks for the effort.

The last guy bloviated enough for the next few months of comments. This story, while certainly related to others of its type, is told extremely well. Give it its due and don’t dig for flaws like a pig after truffles. I actually liked the wife’s muscle fetish- most authors say things like “she didn’t like big muscles, but lean ones like a swimmer”. I’m tired of the swimmers getting all the appreciation. Of course our protagonist is being done wrong by a muscle-bound horn dog, but it’s still a refreshing change to read. Probably not muscle-bound: good athletes work on flexibility…

Sorry....I gave up after page 1....This story starts out jumping all over the place! He was young then in college, then had a girl who was the love of his life and got hit by truck then his coach was handing him a wood bat then he is somewhere reading kid stories with a woman named Mrs Lowell and three teen girls?

None of the plot lines or characters were developed? I just couldn't go any farther!

Empathy isn't a gift when reading LW stories i fear

If it happened to me, a certain football quarterback would get mugged and his throwing arm would “accidentally” get broken in three parts!